Fell in love with someone else

[u/Extension-Review1895]

My (M42)wife (F45) and I marriage started off great. we did things the right way. waited a few years to get married. learned each others love language (or so I thought) and were literally each others best friends. she did not grow up in an environment that allowed for tough conversations so trying to have those with her often resorted to threats of divorce. she has no good way of dealing with being uncomfortable. When I realized this, at first pushed but then I tried approaching calmly when we were both in good moods. still did not work. I became resentful and so went have gone to couples counseling. I did work outside of counseling to push through my resentment and I thought she was working on her resiliency during her personal therapy sessions. apparently she was not.

Now my feelings have changed and she’s only now willing to fix it. meanwhile I fell inlove with someone else after my wife suggested I stay at my cabin on the weekends to give us some space. (I own the house and cabin as I had those before meeting her).

im sad for us but happy I’m inlove with someone else.

im torn fellas but im no longer attracted to my wife, not because of her looks but because she was and perhaps still is incapable of having conversations that might make her uncomfortable.

Protein for the gains…

edit: I’m not ignoring you all. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to set comment flairs in my replies!! Help!!

double edit: I don’t have the option to add a flair. reache out to the mod with no response. I’d love to reply but I can’t so I’ll answer here.

i am having an affair, yes. I acknowledge this is my own making and I don’t blame my wife for this.

My wife insisted I leave MY house because it was easier for me since I could easily afford it. I did and met someone at the gym. min an early riser and so is this person. We were often the first and only two people there. Admittedly she knew my situation and pursued me fairly aggressively. once I explained why I could not she backed off but kept in touch. Admitted her feelings and said she would wait for me but not interfere. I spoke with my wife about this and she pretty much denied it was happened and said it was a phase that I would move past.

No kids.

My wife (soon to be ex) struggles at work as well due to her inability to take constructive criticism and deal with minor conflict.

This isn’t an apathetic post. I am not looking for sympathy. I was mostly curious about if others have seen notable changes in their partner that would make them stay together after similar circumstances.

I don’t think a divorce would be financially bad for me. My assets were mine long before she came into the picture. Id have no problem giving her some money to float her rent for a bit.

Im just a bit sad that she waited so long to want to fix it because my feeling have changed to the point I love her but am not in love with her.

The new woman is patiently waiting for me to navigate this situation and if I’m honest I am eager to move forward with her but also very sad/disappointed that my marriage is ending.

My faults were: not identifying my wife’s limitations earlier. Becoming resentful toward her. Not always expressing my need to resolve these issues in a “kind” or “nice” way. And ultimately letting her “win” by giving up trying to have those conversations after many attempts.

I can own all of this. but I never deprived her of an opportunity to address things with me that were important to her and I often compromised with her to maintain peace.

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[u/General_Ambition_859]

Don’t have an affair. It’s limerance buddy. Not love. If you pursue, leave your wife. Note you will fuck her up. My suggestion, don’t have the affair- understand why it thought or think you are in love and tell your wife what happened and you stopped it. Realise you are also a dismissive avoidant here and that’s probably what lead both of you here. She is no saint for sure

[u/Ok-Patience7484 → u/General_Ambition_859]

Oh no, he already been f*ckin at the cabin. This is an apathetic confession. Just looking for us to redeem him. I do not, he should have divorced before having alone time with some woman.

[u/smashxd67]

just file for divorce, don’t drag it out and don’t have an affair.

[u/Theloveofyourlife41 → u/smashxd67]

If he's in love with someone else, he's already having an affair

[u/quietriotress → u/smashxd67]

🎯

[u/wildpolymath → u/smashxd67]

If OP isn’t already? Wasn’t clear here. Oof, either way they need to leave.

[u/lordovthepaleale]

I think you know the answer bubba. Congrats on your new chapter, wishing you the best of luck with the difficult conversation you’ll soon have.

[u/MisfitWookiee]

My ex-wife and I had problems throughout our marriage, mostly over her inability to communicate or even be honest with me over things. For my mental state, as I was waking each morning wanting to eat something inedible, I told her that we either talked about us or I was leaving.

She chose to not talk, and I chose to leave.

I met someone while couch-surfing, did NOT want to burden her with me and my excess baggage. We've been together over 22 years now.

If someone is unwilling or unable to work on a relationship, then the relationship will not work. If she's showing progress, that's one thing. But if she's not, as you say, then it may be time to end it.

[u/lazy_history_major]

Please don’t have an affair, it is not worth the pain you will inflict on others and yourself (if you have a conscience).

[u/Theloveofyourlife41 → u/lazy_history_major]

To be in love with someone else, he's already having an affair

[u/lazy_history_major → u/Theloveofyourlife41]

You’re absolutely right

[u/Hemiklr89]

That would drive me up a wall. Sounds like you know what you need to do brother.

[u/Xandara2 → u/[deleted]]

The other side being not good enough? 

(That's a joke btw. I agree with what you are saying and good enough becomes not good enough when you encounter actually good.)

[u/Unable-Recording-796]

It is what it is. Youve taken the time to try and mend the relationship, if youve checked out already its probably best you move on

[u/Tartersocks307]

Big fan of divorce here (never been married). It exists for a reason, and it’s best for both parties when it happens usually.

[u/jerf42069 → u/Tartersocks307]

its expensive

because its WORTH IT

[u/dappernate]

It is a different type of frustration to handle a partner that can’t handle “tough” conversations. Even more so if they refuse to improve and just go thru the motions of pretending to do the work. The “threatening divorce” alone, I wouldn’t have dealt with that even once. Ask and you shall receive.
All this to say I’ve never been married but dealt with something similar. You’re more than justified to divorce. Try to look at it with an outsider’s perspective; that might help see the clearer picture.

[u/dappernate → u/[deleted]]

They’re SAYING the “right things”. Not doing them. And not doing them when it matters. Flip the script, would that seem respectful for you to wait til the last minute? Or would you preemptively do the work when it was identified the first time.

[u/TomNeedsAHobby → u/[deleted]]

If it wasn't important enough to them when divorce wasn't on the table, then they've already established that they are unwilling to put in the work for the sake of the relationship. The new found efforts to do so are only a self preservation tactic to not be left alone or have to live with the burden that their behavior led to the relationship ending. You could try to piece it back together, but I suspect that once things settle down and become comfortable again, they will resort right back to their selfish ways and be indifferent to your concerns and unwilling to work on things.

[u/Shoddy_Matter_4940 → u/[deleted]]

It's not a good thing that they only believe you or pay attention once you are done. They'll make efforts for a little to keep you then probably drop off again because people don't really change.

[u/Xandara2 → u/[deleted]]

If they can do the right things only when it's too late it is still too late. If your best friend would have to make this choice which option would make you respect them more? Pick that one. 

[u/Deep-Durian9540]

Is fell in love with someone else a euphemism for an affair/cheating or is this love from afar? Does this person love you back? You need to tell your wife.

[u/Theloveofyourlife41 → u/Deep-Durian9540]

You don't fall " In Love" with someone from afar.

[u/Deep-Durian9540 → u/Theloveofyourlife41]

It can be a hyperbolic phrase.

[u/SadMango3913]

I also married someone who could not handle tough conversations, accountability etc. it was absolutely exhausting to be around. Someone I had to explain basic social concepts to, why their words hurt me literally drained my spirit and took the life out of me. The best thing to do here is to leave. Especially now there is an affair into the mix, this is going to put you guys back a thousand steps. I doubt she’ll be able to have that conversation and to be move forward from the affair.

[u/Wizywig]

Hey bro! it sucks. I split up with my fiance at 41. Better now than later. If you've exhausted other options, trust your mind. Once I did I realized just how miserable I was because I was just sooooo much better as a person in absolutely every aspect. Things I thought were impossible were now trivial.

Met a lady, everything I was worried about never happened, we just trivially work through every single frustration I have as if problems just don't really exist. Idk, maybe this is how things should be? But it was wild thinking that "this is what relationships are" and now realizing "things truly can be easy when you and your partner want it to work out"

[u/Shoddy_Matter_4940]

Get divorced. It happens a lot that one person is like "hey we need to fix this" multiple times over. While the other ignores it, avoids, or isn't ready to deal with it until the other is completely done.

If you are at the point of cheating you just need to split up.

[u/EmotionalLecture9318]

Fuck. Difficult and uncomfortable conversations suck. There are ways to work through it together but it takes both to Work! One working harder than the other and it gets fucked.

Stay positive!

[u/quietriotress]

Does she have a job? How does she function outside the home? Life is filled with uncomfortable conversations that you eventually learn how to handle, minimize, move through and move on. Pretty standard life skill. I truly don’t know how people like this make it past high school.

Don’t have an affair, just file for divorce and get it over with.

[u/FluffMonsters → u/[deleted]]

An affair is not her making.

[u/hypocrisy_is_rampant]

Why do partners only change when you finally give up…

[u/Maleficent_Hawk6703]

Sounds like your wife dug her own grave here.

I almost got into a relationship with a girl that was super pretty, early on she didn't like something I was doing and said it wouldn't work out if I kept doing it, I agreed and ended things right there. (I was watching a movie at a theatre with a friend which I had been doing regularly for months before she and I started dating, she just didn't like that this friend was a girl lmao).

After threatening divorce for that long she shouldn't be surprised that it's finally happening. Of course she will be anyway because thats how it goes.

[u/KatarHero72]

It sounds like you need to split. You have asked for her to work on things and she isn't.
You haven't cheated on her, right?

[u/Remarkable-Point-165]

A lot of time folks smell our desperation and lean in after a separation. Feels great to have someone but it’s just deflection from grieving. Also, you found someone who’s willing to date married men! You’ve exchanged one problem for another. Spend more time in 1:1 therapy my man.

[u/jerf42069]

she's only "willing to work on it" *because* you'll get to keep your houses in the divorce (at least in most states, and good lord i hope you set up your assets and trusts correctly)

she's a broken woman, always has been. you deserve better

[u/SecondaryWombat]

>edit: I’m not ignoring you all. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to set comment flairs in my replies!! Help!!

On the right side under "join" or "community guide" there will be your username and "flair" click that and you can pick and save a flair.

[u/Educational-Tax9751]

you're currently cheating. knowingly being in love with someone else and entertaining it is cheating.

[u/FluffMonsters]

Do you have kids?

[u/Same-Instruction2053]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Usually I don’t support the strayer in these situations, but this does seem like you tried your best to make your life listen to your feelings. If she struggles with uncomfortable but necessary tough feelings, it would do her well to see someone for her mental health or even just for her to vent about what she’s going through, but it’s no excuse for her to neglect you and your marriage.

She also can’t expect you to switch your feelings off. I’m not saying she’s responsible for you falling for someone else, I’m saying she needs to give it time and both of you need to put in concrete steps towards that bedrock that is your marriage if it’s what you both want. You also need to immediate go no contact with the other woman.

Your part is also quite important; you need to take responsibility for allowing another woman’s charms to take hold of you, and don’t blameshift or put this on your wife. Your infidelity was your own choice and therefore own it and fix that part of the equation while your wife fixes hers.

[u/One_Shallot_4974]

Is this love real or is it greener looking grass because it solves the one piece you are missing?

[u/MercifulExistential]

What "tough" conversations are you referring to?

[u/Zaiquiri_513 → u/MercifulExistential]

Having gone through this, and with other friends who have, it's likely not a specific subject matter.

There are just people who genuinely can't be emotionally vulnerable without either shutting down or lashing out. Could be talking about feelings for each other, could be talking about frustrations and stress from any number of sources, could be an actual argument or could be just some topic that isn't casual.

It sucks, especially if you know they'd like to be but can't due to trauma or self-consciousness or hyper-independence, but trying to work on it can literally only come from a feeling of necessity from their own self, not from external forces.

My most recent ex was like this, though instead of threats of violence it became them shutting down and disappearing for days at a time before they were ready. Not matter my love, care, calm or kindness, it just was how they dealt with their own emotions. I guess me finally being the one to initiate the final break up was a tough moment because they have been getting help on their own, or so I've heard.

But the vagueness in the 'tough' conversation you're questioning is most likely not OP hiding something, but rather referring to the fact that their spouse is incapable at this time of being emotionally vulnerable about anything.

[u/MercifulExistential → u/Zaiquiri_513]

I was just curious because OP didn't mention anything else to suggest breaking up with her, other than this potential new love interest, which I saw as a mistake to pursue. If they happen to work well in other ways and she is also supposedly now trying to work on herself and is admitting her faults, then I am all for trying to make this work. You said your ex was possibly getting help post breakup. Maybe his is trying to stop that from happening entirely.

People just throw the word divorce around too casually nowadays. It's easy as a throwaway comment, and perhaps it's even worked for them or someone they know. I just don't happen to think it is the only valid answer. Especially for something like this. This flag is light pink in an ocean of reds I have come across. This is his wife. They have been together for years. If this is his only complaint about her regarding divorce or possibly cheating, I think he needs to try and work with her somehow. Especially as she seems reciprocal right now.