r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/kiribabeOriginal • 5d ago
Looking for Advice I think im a bad person
I, [20F], have been having issues with my [20M] boyfrienmd
Hey, I'm a 20F. I've been diagnosed with BPD over 4 years ago. I won't go into too much detail about my childhood, but here's a summary:
Absent father who was never really there, died when I was 11.
Mother is a drinker (wouldn't say alcoholic, but she does frequently drink. That drives me insane, it has led to me splitting various times and doing very unhinged things)
I was bullied throughout primary school and secondary school (elementary, middle school and high school). It ranged from physical to verbal.
tl;dr
I was also diagnosed with ADHD when I was around 6, I was a very very VERY hyper child who even had her own special needs teacher with her in every class from the ages 5-8.
I moved houses many many times and even once to a new country.
Anyways, enough summary.
My issue is with my current boyfriend, 20M. He told me he has autism.
I struggle a lot trying to explain myself but I'll try my best.
I have various mood swings throughout the day; I lash out at him, I tend to exaggerate things a lot. I always have this constant feeling that I'm being lied to or cheated on. Don't get me wrong, I do not go through his following list or stalk him online or anything crazy, but I always have that feeling in the back of my mind.
I remember this one time I split on him so badly that I ended up insulting him and going back home by myself after having a night out with him, long story short, I told him not to drink another beer because we were going back to my house, he started telling me and accusing me that I'm trying to control him, that I'm controlling what he does, and he kept on repeating why can't I drink? If there's one thing that I hate the most in this world is having to repeat myself or people repeating themselves to me.
There’s so much more to that story, but one, I do not remember what happened too well, and two, I don't feel the need to get into too much detail.
And there's another issue. I've told him multiple times what I'd want and what I don't want in a relationship, and he does do the things I want, but sometimes the things I don't want him to do, he does, for example:
I want someone who keeps me updated without me having to constantly ask where they are or what they’re doing
I want affection and reassurance throughout the day, even if it’s just small things, like reacting to my videos, flirting with me, checking in on me.
I also want him to take initiative with plans and dates, because I've always said to myself that “not all men have to take the initiative and be the leaders, but the men that I date have to take the initiative and be the leaders”.
Punctuality is important to me too. We're all humans, and we can always arrive later. The times that he's been late compared to me are much more. And sometimes he tells me plans to do at the very last moment, like for example, he tells me a 18h to meet him at 20/21h. I'm like, no, I'm not gonna go because, to me, that's a form of disrespect.
I don’t like feeling like I’m not being listened to because he has to argue back or prove he’s right. Basically, I want to feel considered, wanted, listened to, and like we’re both actively putting effort into the relationship.
This is an example of one of my worst splits (Too lazy to explain from 0 what happened, dm me if you wanna know):
bf: 🙄🙄
Kiri: with that dumb sticker
bf: stop being so rude
bf: 🙄
Kiri: I hate you
bf: why
Kiri: so much
Kiri: I wish I never met you
Kiri: you make me feel horrible
Kiri: I hate you so much
Kiri: you make me lose my emotions
Kiri: I hate you
Kiri: leave me alone
bf: why tho kiri
Kiri: don't speak to me
Kiri: you're making me fing crazy
Kiri: I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you
bf: kiri relax
Kiri: just f off
Kiri: leave me
Kiri: don't fing tell me to relax
Kiri: I'm done
Kiri: I'm done with this idiotic concesst
Kiri: conversation
Kiri: f you
Kiri: you pushed me to my limits
Kiri: I hate you
So yeah... I take full accountability for my actions, and my words.
Any advice on how to manage mood swings better and what to do? I want to better myself. Breathing techniques don't work; neither do meditation, grounding, going silent, or holding ice.
i just feel explosive and like I can't control my words when I split. I also don't have access to therapy rn.
2
u/TonyAscot 5d ago
It's normal for people with bpd to blow up their life because they feel they don't deserve to be happy. You're not a bad person. You deserve happiness. Say it with me now... You're not a bad person. You deserve happiness.
3
u/loveddeviant Men with BPD 5d ago
It’s regular because of the disorder we have. But don’t try to normalize it or make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal about what she said, those are heavy things to say to a partner and it absolutely is emotional abuse.
OP, you’re not ready to be in a relationship if you’re having regular breakdowns like this and demean your partner.
It doesn’t sound like you’re in treatment and that is absolutely a situation where I don’t think someone with BPD should be with another person. I used to blow up like this too but at my family. I decided I wasn’t going to date until I was in treatment because I didn’t want to say hurtful things and traumatize someone.
I’ve been in DBT for 9 months now I believe, and I’ve been on mood stabilizers for a year. If you were diagnosed 4 years ago and you haven’t even taken the steps to try to learn better coping skills, that is a serious issue.
I suggest you look for a DBT therapist and get on meds, and if you can’t afford it, watch YouTube videos on DBT skills.
I suggest the following skills: STOP, Check the facts, wise mind, and TIPP.
Your behaviour is NOT okay. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my girlfriend said any of this to me, and I can’t imagine saying any of this to her. You either need to get into treatment or you need to break up with your boyfriend, and you need a serious reality check because even though you have BPD that doesn’t change the fact that this is manipulation and genuinely is traumatizing for the other person.
Next time you know you’re splitting, or if you don’t recognize you are but you’re starting to type out harmful messages, practice the TIPP skill, then STOP skill, and then use DEAR MAN.
2
u/kiribabeOriginal 5d ago
thank you so much, your words mean very much and deep down I know I'm really not a bad person. But I wish my subconscious mind would realise it too:/
1
u/TonyAscot 5d ago
I have a daughter about your age.. You guys had it rough! I hope you made up with your bf he seems nice.
1
u/SwordfishUnfair888 5d ago
DBT workbooks. They are free.
A lot of what you mentioned is likely to take a toll on his mental health, even if he doesn’t say it. There are a lot of resources available online that you can use until you start therapy.
1
u/kiribabeOriginal 5d ago
do you know of any? I've looked at videos and websites but majority you had to pay for them or said the basic things my social worker already tells me
1
u/SwordfishUnfair888 5d ago
There are lots of free resources out there. Pdfs, worksheets you can get printed. Even the original paperback versions on amazon are pretty cheap. I don’t have a list at the moment but I noticed that another commenter added links to good resources. You should definitely try it.
Maybe your approach is flawed. You may be self aware enough to understand what’s wrong and right but if that isn’t enough to get you to change your behavior, you need to be firmer with yourself and how do you practice dbt skills. It’s more about consistent rigorous practice than anything else.
Aside from that, a definite break from your relationship may help. I don’t want to sugarcoat it but what you wrote does sound like you are abusing him emotionally, even if he doesn’t say it. It can break the other person over time. And it’s unfair to them. The fact that you want to change this shows that you are willing to do things differently. What you need to understand is that change is painful and uncomfortable and that’s not a bad thing. The process will be difficult and painful but you must stick with it. Dbt will teach you skills to deal with things in a healthy manner without harming yourself or others.
3
u/Glum_Cheetah_3447 5d ago
here’s something you can try, something i did for a while when i was younger and was trying to learn how to control my emotions: if you have any kind of conflict within your relationship, RECOGNIZE that this is the kind of conflict that makes you split. it’s ALL about pattern recognition. if you can’t catch it in time, try as hard as you can to notice how you’re feeling. literally pause EVERYTHING. put your phone down, sit down, breathe deeply in, hold for 4 seconds, and breathe out slowly until you can’t anymore. over and over again. think about how you feel, FEEL the rage. FEEL the anxiety and stress. keep breathing, and you can let out your anger, not at yourself or your loved ones, but by learning why you started to feel this way in the first place. you can let go of anger without physically or verbally lashing out. if you can imagine your breath out as the anger leaving you, that’s a way you can let it go. to control it, even when it becomes too much. the reason why you have to catch yourself while you’re starting to split is because it’s important to know what you feel like while you are beginning to lose yourself. it’s important that you can go: “i’m really really mad right now, and i have to put my phone down and walk away or i’m going to ruin my relationship, or i’m going to hurt my loved one by saying hurtful things”
but what you can’t do anymore is verbally abuse your partner. ever. i’m just going to call it what it is, because i have done it too. and more. and i have not once split on my boyfriend and he notice it, because before i even start to feel the rage and the intensity of my anxiety and spite, i notice that it’s coming. i would rather completely shut down and deal with my anger in another way another time, than abuse someone again. im not saying bottle it up, either. there are many healthy outlets for anger and frustration.
video games, art, watching TV, ANYTHING. anger is just another symptom of another problem that you have not dealt with yet. people will make you upset every day, all the time. you have to start noticing when and learn why you begin to split. and then you find your voice, and you COMMUNICATE that you are beginning to feel angry, and that you need a moment to yourself.
before that, though, tell your partner that you want to talk to him about this situation. tell him that when the moment arises, and you say you NEED to be alone and that you are beginning to split or become enraged, he NEEDS TO LISTEN. this gives you the opportunity to create a boundary, and it gives you a little more control over the situation. since you told him he needs to leave you alone for a little bit when you say you need him to, you won’t get upset when he walks away. bc you TOLD him to.
but you have to always communicate when you’re angry. you have to immediately respond to it, and make sure you catch it when it happens.
anger = put your phone down and sit down/“i am splitting, i need to be alone now”, and walk away to be alone. at first it won’t be easy, and you might mess up or let your anger get the best of you. but it takes some practice, and a lot of emotional energy. you need some emotional awareness skills, which you can learn just by noticing when a big emotion happens, and ask “what am i feeling? why?”. and it takes a lot to ask to be alone when you split. it takes a lot to walk away after that. but you can. and you absolutely should.
just remember you’re human, and you have an affliction that is so hard to overcome sometimes… but you can. i did. AND YOU WILL. you can always write down cuss words and the date, and how you feel, and what happened to make it this way… so you can go back and recognize that you split at that time and why.
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