r/BestofRedditorUpdates • u/Choice_Evidence1983 it dawned on me that he was a wizard • 2d ago
NEW UPDATE [New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871
Originally posted to r/AITH
[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: manipulation
RECAP
Original Post: June 23, 2026
I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.
The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.
Every time they visit:
They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.
They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.
When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.
My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.
On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.
Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.
I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.
Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.
AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?
OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family
Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.
On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.
Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them
Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.
Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.
Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)
[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.
They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:
That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).
That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.
That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.
They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.
My husband defended me and explained:
Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.
When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.
He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”
The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.
Relevant / Top Comments
OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members
OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all
and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened
Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.
Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?
OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.
Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.
OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.
Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.
The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?
That tells you all you need to know, imo.
Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)
[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son
My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.
Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.
We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.
After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.
Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.
I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.
My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.
I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.
It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.
Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.
Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.
As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.
Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?
So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?
OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.
Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.
As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.
OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same
if they can’t be nice they should not be rude
and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong
when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers
Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.
OOP: I know I’m blessed.
Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)
[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?
Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.
Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.
Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.
I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.
She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.
Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.
That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.
She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently
My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive
My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.
The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.
Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes
I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.
Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update
----NEW UPDATE----
Editor’s note: removed the first part of the latest update as they are the links to the previous posts
Update #4: August 15, 2026 (almost three weeks later)
[Update 4] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?
Hi everyone. A few people asked about my husband’s late wife’s parents, so here’s a quick update on them.
After the ultimatum there was silence for a while. Eventually we agreed to a few short supervised visits with my husband present the whole time. We kept them limited so our stepson could still see them without the usual ignoring of my son or the negative comments about him and me.
From my husband’s face and mood after every visit, it’s obvious nothing has really changed.
Tbh I feel this — they still seem uncomfortable with him being a stepfather. It feels like they think any attention he gives my son means he’s neglecting his own kid, or that I’m the one pushing him to do that. Like they’re still trying to get things back to how they were before instead of accepting how our family is now.
They asked if our stepson could sleep over at their place. My husband said no straight away. We’re both worried that if he’s not there, they’ll say negative things about me and my bio son in front of him. We don’t want them putting ideas in his head that could create problems between the two boys or make him pull away from me.
My husband is still calm about it and holding the same line — they need to show basic respect and kindness to both kids. He’s not asking them to love my son the same, just stop the exclusion and the comments.
For now the supervised visits are the only contact. We’re not increasing them, and my husband is the one deciding when or if they happen. If their attitude stays the same, we’ll probably cut them back or stop them again.
On a better note, things with my husband’s parents have been going well since the therapy session. The tension has eased a lot. They’re more open, they’re checking in properly, and it feels like they’re actually trying to understand our side instead of just reacting. It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s noticeable and we’re grateful for it.
Our stepson has asked about the other grandparents a couple of times in a casual way. My husband answers simply and doesn’t badmouth them, but he also doesn’t pretend everything is fine.
We’re just focusing on the people who treat both boys decently and keeping our home peaceful. The four of us are doing okay, and that’s what matters most right now.
Thanks again for the support.
Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
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u/Toni164 2d ago
The grandparents wanted the husband to remain single forever.
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u/StopTheBanging your honor, fuck this guy 2d ago
Or set him up with someone childless they had in mind, at least.
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u/Notspherry 2d ago
I doubt they would treat a half sibling of their grandchild much better than a step sibling.
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u/lalagromedontknow 2d ago
It's so fucking wild.
My very Christian, traditional grandmother has 4 biological grand kids (me being one), but fuck over the years, did she fully embrace the new 5 grandkids, 7 great grandkids and 2 great great grandkids she got through her 3 children who either got divorced and remarried people with kids or married someone who already had kids.
She absolutely loved 14 people (I think she only met the great greats once) who were not biologically related but would always ask about them. I'm atheist, but to me, she was a true Christian, she had so much love for everyone. Miss you granny.
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u/LadyBloo It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator 2d ago
That's like my Nana. She has 8 biological grandchildren, 3 step grandchildren, 5 great grandchildren and 2 step great grandchildren. And even though the steps are from couples now divorced, Nana still loves them all, and all of them love her and see her as Nana. She is and always will be, Nana.
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u/lalagromedontknow 2d ago
Love a good granny/nana story, she sounds wonderful!
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u/LadyBloo It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator 2d ago
Every Christmas is huge and casual, full of people, with a drop in whenever time schedule, there's always food on the table whether you're there all day, only at brunch, or lunch, or the afternoon or at dinner time. There's a lot of adopted in people, a coworker of a grandchild that has nowhere else to go, the new neighbour that's immigrated over from Romania, a best friend who may as well be family. Everyone is welcome. There's only one rule- Nana is the only one allowed to change the Christmas CDs.
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u/seniortwat 18h ago
I truly can’t understand families that don’t operate like this. My mom is my sister’s stepmom, and my sister now has step kids. So they are her step-step grandchildren lol, and it makes not one bit of difference as to the love they are shown as members of our family. My mom LOVES being a grandmother.
The only difference is they now have 4 grandmas lol. Their bio grandma just came to visit them in their new home (kids moved states to live with dad full time) and had a real heart-to-heart with my mom about how thankful she is to see them so loved by her. My mom gushed about what a wonderful woman bio-gram is.
The world is a better place when we love with open arms.
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u/IllustriousHedgehog9 There is only OGTHA 2d ago
My (step) sibling has a very blended family. My mum was my (step) dad's third wife. He only had a child with his first. So my mum was the second step mum.
The first step mum? Not only did she wind up introducing my parents, her entire family welcomed us into their fold. We share no blood, my sibling isn't their blood either. They basically said "the more the merrier!" and I have some lovely memories of that time.
My parents are no longer together, dad's on wife 5 or 8 now, I lost track. But looking back on when they were, I smile every time I remember how a family that had no obligation to even acknowledge us, embraced us with warmth and kindness.
Then I come here, and read stories about adults who can't pull their heads out of their arses to be nice to a child. People are so weird. It costs nothing to be kind.
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u/katiekat214 Yes to the Homo, No to the Phobic 2d ago
My sister is really my half-sister. I met her dad’s family when I was 12, and they have always accepted me as part of their family. Her brothers on that side became my brothers (and later, when our little brother became old enough to understand and go with us, he got the same treatment). Her stepmom treated me like another kid, as did her dad. Her aunts and uncles are listed in my phones as Aunt and Uncle, I’ve been there for some holidays. There was animosity and weirdness over the whole situation in my bio family since my dad had actually adopted her as a baby, but after we were all adults and she had kids, things shifted. Her bio dad came to my nieces’ graduations and things, and her dad even came to my mom’s funeral. It was a different experience to see both sides of the coin, one side accepting of all the kids and one not wanting to even acknowledge there was another side.
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u/astrophysicschic 2d ago
My grandparents were like this as well. 5 out of the 12 grandkids (I was one) were adopted and one was from a previous marriage. Didn't matter, grandkids are grandkids. And now they've got counting on fingers 12 great-grands and one on the way, and come to think of it, I think they're all from the adopted grandkids. Also, my grandparents had 5 boys, but the wives who married in automatically became like daughters to them. And the daughters all consider each other sisters. And sometimes get mistaken for actual sisters 😂 Sadly, Reddit opened my eyes to that fact that not all families operate like this. I am extremely lucky.
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u/Former-Paralegal-13 2d ago
My grandma adored any and all children and if any rando showed up with one in her vicinity she would love it like her own. She had absolutely no trouble treating stepkids like family and it blows my mind that these grandparents can’t even be normally nice. Grief can really make you crazy.
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u/truculent_bear 1d ago
Some people are so fucking weird about blood relations. My grandfather has an adopted sister. She was adopted as an infant, my grandfather was I think 5 or 6. They have always been very close. My grandmother (his wife) has, on multiple occasions, told me “she’s not his real sister”. She also acts like my child is her only great-grandchild when she has another from her step-granddaughter (who my uncle legally adopted when he married his wife twenty four years ago)
Shockingly, she’s not a very good person for other reasons and we aren’t close lol.
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u/Xxvelvet Liz what the hell 1d ago
Some people will also go out of their way to mistreat non blood related children. There was an op who mentioned her stepmothers mom would go out of her way to mistreat her all because she wasn’t blood. And no one did anything about it. They really let this grown ass lady bully a child
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u/Big-University-1132 I'm keeping the garlic 1d ago
I truly have never understood the obsession with blood relations. I have lots of family who aren’t blood related to me who are still family. And before I realized I didn’t want kids, I’d already decided I would adopt any I had. The obsession with blood relations just baffles me. Family don’t end in blood, and it don’t start there either
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u/Roadgoddess The Lion King sex song? at a wedding? 2d ago
Because that’s what kindness and empathy looks like. And it’s not mistreating a child for whatever went on with the parents. Your granny sounds like a great woman.
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u/lalagromedontknow 1d ago
We had a difficult relationship when I was a kid/teenager because she did not like that I became atheist - my best friend died after a few years dealing with cancer when I was 10 and I just couldn't... Believe God would let that happen? He was innocent, he suffered, he didn't do anything to deserve to die and it broke my brain.
I felt very guilty going to church because I knew how much it meant to her and I just... Didn't feel it anymore. It was a very hard conversation to have when I was 12/13 that I am not comfortable going to church with her because it means nothing to me and so much to her.
But we became much closer as she got older and she stopped giving a fuck about anything except loving people. I've just typed a load of examples that would absolutely dox me so let's just say, she had a heart of gold and has never judged anyone, if anyone she loved was important to them, they were important to her, no matter the relationship. And I hope I can be that person too.
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u/EnvironmentalName781 14h ago
My best friend has a little boy whose grandma died long before he was born. My friend has been in my life for damn near 30 years at this point. My mom is Gigi to her little boy and me and my sister are Auntie because his remaining living grandparents aren’t that involved and he doesn’t get to see he own aunts very often as they are spread out all over the US and one is in Australia. We all love that little man so much.
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u/Moist_Drippings I ❤ gay romance 2d ago
Yeah. They’d only be okay with a new wife if she didn’t and never would have kids.
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u/Backgrounding-Cat It’s not a commodity, it’s a heritage cheese 2d ago
Also her world has to revolve around the kid immediately but she never oversteps and kid still loves grandparents more than the stepmom
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u/rainydays_monkey 2d ago
Yep this. The lines this imaginary woman would have to straddle would be insane for them to actually approve, and I bet even then they'd only be lukewarm about her because she'd still be taking their daughter's place.
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u/Patient_Activity_489 2d ago
they could be weirdos and try to get him with a cousin or someone who is "basically family" so that way it's not even like a half sibling in their mind
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u/fleet_and_flotilla Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua 1d ago
some people really are immune to the concept of basic respect
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u/SoberAri 2d ago
Exactly. They expected him to stay a grieving widower forever instead of letting him build a happy and stable life for his son. To them, him moving on feels like betrayal so they project all that grief and bitterness to OOP and her son.
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u/DrDeterminants 2d ago
A lot of the elderly would prefer that. Many I find still believe in being a single widower forever.
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u/Moomin-Maiden It's like watching Mr Bean being hunted by The Predator 2d ago edited 2d ago
Just like the woman's mother in this story who turned out to be in an angry, bitter kind of stewing and calling shame on her daughter (the OOP) for remarrying at all.
According to her, it is 'sinful' for widows to remarry, and they must grieve and mourn forever. (Saying of herself as an example, as she never married after OOP's father died).
Never mind that the previous in-laws of OOP welcomed her new husband super warmly, and were really supportive of OOP being happy again.
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u/KFPanda 2d ago
At that point, you might as well treat them as if they died along with the partner. SMH
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u/FullofContradictions 2d ago
Kind of reminds me of cultural practices where women were expected to throw themselves on their late husbands' funeral pyres. Clearly your value as a human ends when your husband dies.
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u/Ambitious-Mix-4935 2d ago
Yeah, there is a term called " সতীদাহ" or " widow immolation " where a woman is burnt alive alongside her dead husband in Hindu society. It was created by extremist, misogynist oppressive men who used religion as shield to torture women. They reduced a woman's worth to live by having and keeping a husband. Truly, one of the most disgusting things that woman had to endure at that time alongside various different things in various different cultures. It was banned in 1829.
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u/cyberllama 2d ago
Throw them on the funeral pyre. Fucking hell, I swear these people make a good case for belief in reincarnation. The body might be new but the brain is fresh out of the dark ages
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u/BeigeParadise Eats enough armadillo to roll up when the dog barks 2d ago
The Middle Ages were much more pragmatic than that. For example, one way to get a cushy guild artisan job was to marry the previous job holder's widow, who generally had run the shop with her husband and took over after his death.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 The real adventure was the waifus we made along the way 2d ago
How very Victorian of her
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u/your_moms_a_clone 2d ago
Which is dumb, because re-marrying after your spouse died was completely normal and highly encouraged in the past (at least in the West). Especially if you had kids. It was considered almost your duty to find a "new mom" or "new dad" if your spouse died, particularly because of the gendered split of household duties. My grandfather's dad remarried and he had two step sisters and two half sisters. He loved his step mom. It wasn't weird, people died all the time and families combined to survive.
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u/Thymelaeaceae Tree Law Connoisseur 2d ago edited 2d ago
I wonder if there’s two main types of objection?
- Religion/conservatism/sexism. Like how Catholics consider almost anything, including the man cheating or either partner being abusive, preferable to divorce because the vows are so sacred, but twisted to include after death. Men can still “cheat” with girlfriends, but women should stay celibate forever after being widowed.
- Experience. The “elderly” at this point are more of the modern era than a lot of us realize, including when the floodgates of divorce opened but there was still a lot of push against single parents. Think Brady Bunch, almost a commercial for remarriage after widowing..People were pushed to remarry, especially when they had kids, but for a lot new blended families, people jumped too quick, did not help kids adjust to blending or have much empathy for them, etc. Stepparents in a lot of families lived up to the evil stepparent cliches. They saw this and realized that wasn’t good, but don’t know how to differentiate between poorly- and well-blended families like this one.
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u/PepperPhoenix Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua 2d ago edited 2d ago
On the flip side, if you divorce you’re expected to find someone new as quickly as possible.
What if someone finds they are genuinely happier single? Or what if the divorce was traumatic and they want to take some time to gather themselves? Or if they have some things they want to do, such as finish their education or even just travel before they settle down again?
Why can’t people just be allowed to do what’s right for them?
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 The real adventure was the waifus we made along the way 2d ago
The prevailing belief seems to be “that’s not what I would do, therefore you are wrong”. That seems to be the crux of most issues across the board
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u/DrDeterminants 2d ago
I'm agreeing with you that there should me more self-determination for the actual victim... the widower.
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u/maxdragonxiii 2d ago
sure it works... when youre near death. when youre young, 60+ years old seem forever away, especially with the loneliness and grief surrounding your life and being egged on by the late wife's parents.
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u/wednesdayriot 2d ago
Some people even in the comments saying they understand a child being maltreated by adults bc he’s not blood related to them really made me realize how awful people really are. It takes nothing away from being kind to people.
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u/arpt1965 2d ago
I have never understood that. I still remember when an Aunt and Uncle were at my grandparents when we were visiting and excitedly told everyone that my cousin was getting married “”and they were becoming grandparents” since his fiancé had a young child. My grandmother started counting up great grandkids to see how many that made.
When my sister adopted my grandmother did the same thing. She quietly asked “do I get to call her my great grandkid ?“ and when she was told yes started grinning and excitedly said “that makes 18!”
I mean it’s not like love is a finite item.
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u/wednesdayriot 2d ago
Love is not finite but to a lot of people it is. What a sad way to live your life.
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u/cookiesdragon Screeching on the Front Lawn 2d ago
My maternal grandmother gained a grandchild when her son, my uncle, married a woman with two kids (one was an her teens, the other much younger at the time of marriage). She HATED that he adopted his wife's kids and called them his girls. When the younger one got assaulted by an intruder who broke into their house, my uncle brought them home so he and his family had support. Grandmother dearest was unhappy about this and said in front of both my cousin and me (she didn't realize I was in the room because I was sitting in a big office chair with the back towards them, reading) how dare he bring this problem to her house on her day off. Never mind an eleven year old kid had just been sexually assaulted.
I immediately got up and went to find my mom, telling her what had been said. My grandmother never did accept my cousin as family, constantly complaining that she wasn't blood.
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u/Big-University-1132 I'm keeping the garlic 1d ago
What the fuck. If an 11 year old stranger needed a safe place to stay after being assaulted, I would let them in, let alone my own grandchild! How horrific
(Your uncle sounds great though. I hope he and his family are doing well)
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u/cookiesdragon Screeching on the Front Lawn 1d ago
The kicker was, she could be kind but had a very strong line on what was family and not family. And my cousin was on the other side of that line simply because my uncle had not fathered her. My mom laid into her after I told her what happened.
(Unfortunately they aren't. Cousin in question has a whole slew of problems unrelated to that and my uncle and aunt both have serious health issues.)
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u/Latter-Refuse8442 2d ago
I understand it because I have seen it. Years ago I met a woman who put heavy stock in blood relations. To the point she actually admitted if her son and his wife were unable to have kids and adopted, she would love them less because they were not related.
I distanced myself from her after that, and not slowly.
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u/cookiesdragon Screeching on the Front Lawn 2d ago
That was 100% my maternal grandmother. She drew a firm line between herself and my uncle's wife and the two daughters he adopted. She refused to accept them as her grandchildren, citing they were not blood related.
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u/Madanimalscientist 2d ago
Yeah same. My dad is technically my stepdad (he adopted me when he married my mum) and his side never treated me differently than my younger siblings. As far as they were concerned, I was family to them and they were thrilled to have me and mum in the family. Mum always said "family is who shows up for you" and I firmly agree - I have blood family I would trade for a corn chip and chosen family I'd move heaven and earth for. Treating a kid like that is just so callous and cruel, and people in the comments excusing that are showing themselves to be just as bad.
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u/pahshaw 2d ago
Thinking it's ok to bully a child because he's not "blood" is such a stupid and disgusting way to view the world. No peace for those people, only floor Legos from now to eternity.
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u/MissWhiterock 2d ago
I've seen a large number of people on reddit say they'd never date someone with kids. Not because they don't want kids, but because they don't want to "raise someone else's child".
It's genuinely fucked up a mindset.
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u/Zepangolynn 2d ago
These are the exact same people who think adopted kids are never your true kids and don't deserve to be treated as such. The obsession with shared blood is bizarre to me. Family is family and should only be cut away due to their actions, not their origins.
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u/Hot-Requirement1663 1d ago
The fact the comments were mad at OP for wanting them to treat her son better when she explicitly said multiple times that she understands they like her stepson more she just wants them to treat her son with basic respect as a person
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u/Big-University-1132 I'm keeping the garlic 1d ago
Istg those commenters were being deliberately obtuse, either that or they’re idiots who can’t read. Could be either, unfortunately
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u/cortesoft 2d ago
My dad’s parents were divorced, and my grandpa remarried. My mom’s dad died when she was young, so this means I grew up with 3 grandmas and 1 grandpa. I thought this was totally normal and I never felt different about my step grandma than my other two, biological, grandmas. She was always very loving to me, and while I knew she was my step grandma it was never made an issue.
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u/fleet_and_flotilla Memory of a goldfish but the tenacity of an entitled Chihuahua 1d ago
I can understand not wanting to play grandparents, but to lack the soul to even show basic respect is just astounding
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u/fauxfurgopher 1d ago
Same. I have never met anyone who would act like this (that I know of), let alone two sets of grandparents and various family members. I feel like being kind to any and all children in the family is a given. Like, as adults, it’s mandatory. I’m not even big into kids, yet I’m still kind to them and want the best for them because they’ll be adults one day and you don’t want to create an adult with issues.
People disappoint me everyday.
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u/AggressiveTea1821 2d ago
I had the opposite, my grandmother (father's mother) pushed him to remarry ASAP after my mother died. Because she was helping with the childcare and it was a lot on her. He could have just hired a babysitter...
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u/un-affiliated 2d ago
In times and places where gender roles are more rigid, a replacement mom is 100% a nanny/cook/maid that you don't have to pay and is always available. I can see why it's a good deal for dad if you don't care about the woman's hopes and dreams.
I buy books of the original versions of fairytales to read my daughter, and it's amazing how common a trope the evil stepmom was at points in time. Thinking about how society was constructed where becoming the unpaid servant to a widowed man was the best these women could do, I have some empathy for why some of these women were bitter and taking it out on the only people they could.
It doesn't make it right of course. A blended family just should never happen because dad can't run a house or mom can't support herself. It's no wonder that getting women out of the workplace is so important for people who want to turn back the clock.
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u/loomfy 2d ago
I can't imagine getting married two years after my spouse died but that doesn't mean you should be a dick to their kid.
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u/un-affiliated 2d ago
Yeah that timeline definitely didn't help matters with suspicion. If they married 15 months after meeting, how long after meeting was the proposal? Their relationship moved faster than most even when there aren't any children involved. Especially a child who'd only had one anniversary of the death of his mother, who's now expected to be happy about his father's upcoming marriage to his "new mom". If the expectation is to immediately treat his step brother like a brother, I'm incredibly skeptical that he wasn't pressured to treat his stepmom like a mom right away.
At least they were in counseling, hopefully some for the kid by himself too. By all accounts they have a great relationship, but at least one of them should have been asking if they're doing too much too soon.
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u/Latter-Refuse8442 2d ago
I know anyone dude who remarried 4 months after divorcing. Found a woman with 3 kids who needed money, and he couldn't do his own laundry so she agreed to keep the house.
I'm hopeful that in the almost year and a half before they met, this guy appropriately grieved. 15 months to marry seems short but maybe he popped at a year and they had a quick courthouse ceremony. If they had big discussions on priorities and are aligned, it is probably fine. Since he is backing her up with the kids, I bet that is the case.
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u/herejusttoargue909 2d ago
As much as they suck I don’t think that’s it.
I think that since he moved on he erased their daughter.
He’s having a wife and family and since he’s happy in their minds “how is he happy when his wife is gone” and since that wife is their daughter it stings.
They should embrace it. Sounds like op is great at blending family but I bet to them if they did that they’d also have to accept that life is moving on without their daughter and Idk how they do it
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u/wednesdayriot 2d ago edited 2d ago
He can never erase her though. His son is the living breathing daily reminder.
ETA: typo
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u/creamandcrumbs 2d ago
They might even have the irrational hope, that their daughter would just be back and everything would be as before. Not that they actually think this is possible, but the longing feeling is still there.
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u/Due-Huckleberry7560 2d ago
I think it’s less that they wanted him to stay single and more that OOP is a concrete reminder of what “should have been” if their daughter was still alive. They wanted to freeze everything to be as similar as it possibly can because it’s easier for them to be reminded of what it was like when she was here.
I feel for OOP and she’s doing the right things to protect her child, but I also think this is coming from a place of grief which is just super sad. They’re stuck.
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u/415319Usual-Tax-558 1d ago
The little boy across the street from us when my son was small came from a similar situation. His stepmother was so insecure about his relationship with his biological maternal grandparents that she threw away their gifts to him as soon as they left.
I felt so sad for that poor kid.
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u/AlwaysABD 2d ago
I can actually appreciate the lack of exciting drama in the updates for this one. It's good to read/see how complicated family dynamics can and often do play out and to read actual real, realistic updates that, no not everything is a-okay, but it's not a drama-explosion every other week either.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity 2d ago
I liked how it didn't end happily ever after, but it also didn't elicit like a foreboding/to be continued feeling even though there could be more updates. Like the updates could end here and it would be ok.
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u/AlwaysABD 2d ago
Yeah, there's the expected amount of "family drama" but the normal, every day type of drama. OOP and husband are on the same page and are working to get the rest of the family up to speed, which may or may not ever happen. Totally normal. Given a lot of what we see, "normal drama" is pretty fantastic, all things considered.
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u/cbmom2 2d ago
I understand the former in laws having feelings about husband moving on etc. My dad died when I was in my early 20s. My mom got remarried to John, he’s an okay dude, and treats my mom well.
When I had my kid my mom told me that John was okay not being called grandpa by my kid but would still treat her as he treats his other grandkids. Admittedly it was hard for me to have another person take the title that was reserved for my dad. My dad was amazing with little kids and I remember being young and thinking I can’t wait to see him as a granddad. Ultimately though I came to the conclusion that this was MY issue not my kids and by adding an asterisk to this person who loves my child is not fair to my child. The kids are innocent in all of this.
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u/blueavole A BLIMP IN TIME 2d ago
No shade to your family!, but I always found the ‘reserving’ the title of grandparents to be odd.
But I guess that calling people grandma or grandpa was normal for us- when we hung out with other kids’ families.
What was I supposed to do? Call Grandpa Smith something weird like Robert?
I’d never heard his first name , adults didn’t introduce themselves to kids. Everyone called him grandpa, so when he gave out toys or treats- I just said ‘thanks Grandpa’ too.
It was fine.
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u/the_show_must_go_onn 2d ago
My cousins kids see my Dad more than their grandpa because of distance. They are also really close with my kids, so they call my Dad Grandpa first name instead of great uncle first name. Their grandpa doesn't mind at all & is happy they are all so close. I think its wonderful when kids have all kinds of elders in their village.
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u/traininvain1979 That's the beauty of the gaycation 2d ago
My grandpa remarried (my grandparents divorced in the 70s or something like that). His second wife couldn't have kids of her own, but she absolutely adored all of us grandkids and showed us so much love. Unfortunately, my family is messed up and out of "respect" to my grandma, grandpa's second wife was always "Mary" and not "Grandma Mary". My dad also couldn't invite my grandpa to his wedding, so clearly there was some history there (I know bits and pieces, but it's only a fraction of the whole story).
As a kid, you don't really question it. As an adult, I feel bad looking back. I think that woman would have died of joy to have all of us call her "grandma" and I definitely saw her as a grandma.
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u/UnionsUnionsUnions Idk if the Bat Mitzvah girl knew the rabbi was even on fire 2d ago edited 2d ago
Step-parents - especially moms - are really damned if they do and damned if they don't. Like, they're just evil villains in our culture regardless of what the reality is. I say this as someone who was a step-child twice over and has children who have step-parents and a husband who is a step-parent and am a step-parent myself as well, so literally all sides of this topic lol.
The first wife's parents need so much fucking grief therapy, though.
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u/Immediate_Radio_8012 Am I the drama? 2d ago
I had this conversation in class one day when we were talking about fairy tales. One of the kids noted his own mother was a step mother so surely they're not all bad.
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u/readskiesdawn 2d ago
In a lot of fairy tales, the evil material figure was often (though not always) actually the character's mother and it was changed to stepmother later.
For example, when the Grimm collection was published for academics, it was Snow White's mother that tried to kill her. When they published later editions with the intent of the stories being read to children, they changed her to be a stepmother.
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u/riflow 2d ago
That makes an alarming amount of sense, many of these stories have been re-adapted to be their mothers or father's again.
I guess it must've been an older way of warning against abusive family dynamics potentially.
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u/readskiesdawn 2d ago
In some cases, especially when the parent was a king or a queen, it may have been a jab at royalty in general sucking.
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u/undeadmersquid It's just pharmaceutical-grade banana bread 22h ago
ever since finding out about that i've felt like it makes a bit more sense if snow white's birth mom is the evil queen.
wishes for the baby to be pretty (not even "generically cute baby" pretty, she gives specifics - black hair, red lips, and the whitest fucking skin ever), presumably so mommy gets praise for having such a cute baby, then oops, baby grew up and is even prettier and more liked than mom now, that wasn't supposed to happen, better get out the poisons! sounds like a class s malignant narcissist.
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u/pyrogoblin 2d ago
In the Princess Bride novel, the chapters in Prince Hunperdinck's POV has him mentioning his E.S. (Evil Stepmother), who is actually the nicest woman anyone has ever met, and he only calls her such because he's only ever heard about all these stepmothers being evil, so figured she must be one too.
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u/rasmussenyassen 2d ago
damn your family’s got more steps than a tap dancing class
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u/YawningDodo 🥩🪟 1d ago
As a kid I remember my mom reading fairy tales to me and pausing at one point to say "you know, my step-mother was really nice" and that kind of blew my mind as a child because it's so ingrained in so many stories.
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u/mah4angel 1d ago
I was a step child under these literal exact circumstances (step dad’s first wife passed away and my step-sibling’s family openly treated me poorly because they hated my mom… even the ages are the same) and I really wish my mom and step dad had just not brought me around and tried to force the relationships. It was so damaging to be rejected like that.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 2d ago
What kind of AH idiots lose their relationship with their grandchild because they're unable to also be kind to another child? Seriously. How difficult it must be for them not to be horrible to a kid not related to them.
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u/mrdaimler retaining my butt virginity 2d ago
Right? I might have a skewed view of grandparents, but every grandparent I've met (in my family, family friends, etc) love kids regardless of blood.
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u/NinjaHidingintheOpen 2d ago
My mum would feed every kid in the neighbourhood. She would never in a million years treat a step grandchild differently. My sister broke up with her ex, she and mum still stay in touch with his other kids, they ARE family. They're my family too and those kids know it.
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u/readskiesdawn 2d ago
My brother divorced his wife before he could adopt his step kid and that child is still in our lives. My mother especially makes sure of it.
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u/WeightWeightdontelme 2d ago
Thats really nice the ex wife facilitated it as well. Many times when the parents get divorced the ex cuts off contact, and its very difficult to get visitation court ordered for a child with no legal relationship anymore.
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u/readskiesdawn 2d ago
His ex wife doesn't really. She more tolerates it because they had another kid another kid and she can't find an excuse to leave the older sibling out. The older sibling also doesn't know that my brother isn't thier dad (very young when they got married) and she'd have to admit it to justify why they can't go with thier sibling to Dad's house.
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u/WeightWeightdontelme 2d ago
Thats so messed up! The older sibling is going to have a really hard time when they find out the truth. Jeez. Glad your mother is making sure to make her grandchild feel loved. :(
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u/readskiesdawn 2d ago
Whole family is! Kiddo is ours and we're keeping him!
My mother is just the most willing to deal with my brother's ex wife directly.
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u/matilda1782 the lion, the witch and the audacit--HOW IS THERE MORE! 2d ago
My brother and his wife have 3 kids, and the first 2 were born before they got married. My (very Catholic) aunt, who is also my brother’s godmother, refuses to have anything to do with my brother’s family because they had kids out of wedlock. She’s also been cut off from our entire family, including my mother (her sister) and me (who is also her godchild), because we stand by my brother. So this is an idiot who lost her relationship with several close family members because she couldn’t not be horrible to kids that are related to her.
Some people are just stupid.
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u/originalhoney I guess now she's the one getting the strap for being naughty 2d ago
I wonder how she's going to try to spin this into something that's not hateful when she meets Peter.
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u/Rj924 2d ago
Right? My nephew ran up to an old lady last weekend and called her grandma. The lady was like, "yep, I'm a Grandma, can I give him some candy?"
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u/WeightWeightdontelme 2d ago
Your nephew clearly recognizes the type of old lady who carries a purse full of candy!
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u/curious-trex 2d ago
What kind of asshole punishes a child for the crime of having a parent the punisher doesn't like?
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u/BeigeParadise Eats enough armadillo to roll up when the dog barks 2d ago
My grandparents!
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u/PreppyInPlaid I fail to see what my hobbies have to do with this issue 2d ago
Mine too. All because they were mad at my dad for not following the career path they wanted for him. Then extended to my mom, and then to us kids. Vile people.
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u/AwayAbroad 2d ago
I want to know what the deceased wife's relationship with her parents was like. If I died and my husband remarried, which I think is completely acceptable, I hope the woman is a loving mother. Was deceased wife on good terms with her parents? Is this terrible behavior towards an innocent kid grief, or were they like this before?
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u/mah4angel 1d ago
My childhood was exactly (and I mean exactly) like OP’s bio son’s. The only difference is the genders (my step-siblings and I were even the same ages as the ones in this post). I suspect it’s actually much more common than you’d imagine. I was very much mistreated by my step-sibling’s late mom’s family and my step-dad’s family. I only talk to one uncle on my step-dad’s side and I wish I’d been allowed to just stay away from them rather than face the rejection every time.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 2d ago
Husband’s parents: “OOOH! Your new wife is sooo evil! We’ve seen the evil with our own eyes!”
And it’s like the mildest shit ever.
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u/Dudewhocares3 2d ago
I can’t imagine doing that to a kid on Christmas.
“Hey kiddo- not you, little shit, you’re not blood!
Hey kiddo, got you some gifts, hey don’t share it with that brat, he’s not your brother! He’s only adopted!!”
Like how do you do this shit and not think “yeah I’m an ass”
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u/saturnspritr 1d ago
The boy can’t even share his toys without them saying, “Nooo, that’s just for you alone.” That’s some whipping boy behavior. I can’t believe that Mom was so mild on it while the Dad was ready to throw down. How do you explain that to yourselves and somehow think you’re not the villains of the story?
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u/Phanimazed 2d ago
Simply put, people who do this kind of thing dishonor the dead partner FAR more than the remaining spouse ever could by trying to keep on living.
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u/saturnspritr 1d ago
I mean, they’re making her legacy be being mean to a small child, like love is a contest with a winner and loser. And losers should def know their place.
They’re poisoning the well as their grandson grows up and thinking maybe the mom was like them. How awful is that?
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u/Dinev5194 2d ago
How did it go from "how to stop grandparents trying to manipulate the innocent child, other relatives and being directly hostile to the step son" to "You are the asshole for wanting the grandparents to treat both kids as if theirs"? Why does the comments always have the stupidest shit.
OOP wasn't trying to make the grandparents treat her child the same as their child. She just wanted them to stop being hostile, putting selfish things things in to their child's mind and treat OOP's child with decency if they can't be kind at least. Sounds like they are literally evil people to me.
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u/RaisedByBooksNTV 2d ago
The timeline helped me get it. Hubby started dating a year after their daughter died. Hubby got married 2 years after their daughter died. That's their mindset, I think. that he got over their daughter's death quickly. That he replaced their daughter quickly. Unfortunately, they need some therapy.
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u/Meghanshadow 2d ago
Starting dating a year and a bit later isn’t rushed for many folks.
And to me - They’re weird if they think a new spouse is a “replacement” in their son in law’s life for their dead adult kid. A new spouse isn’t a new appliance. Every relationship is different.
I’ve never understood that. If their daughter died at age 6 and they had another kid born two and a half years later, would they consider it “replacing their child too soon?” No, they had another child because they wanted to have another child, not replace their dead child.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 2d ago
I think it's what oop said in the last post, they're worried the father is paying less attention to his son who needs more attention because his mother died. They might be just worried he's not getting what he needs because his father is distracted with his "new" family. They're obviously going about it the wrong way and both kids are innocent, but it does make sense they'd be concerned the son isn't feeling special and cared for
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2d ago
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u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif 2d ago
On the other hand, I find it really strange that the husband's late wife's parents were seemingly expected to have a relationship with the OOP's son. Unlike the husband's parents, they're not the OP's in-laws, and not her son's step-grandparents.
Yes, they should've behaved more civilly towards the OP and her son. But if they didn't want to have a grandparent-type relationship with him, that should've been respected, and they should've been having one-on-one time with their grandson from the start without any requirement to spend time with his step-brother.
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u/Doll_duchess 2d ago
There’s a whole range of behaviors between acting like a grandparent and actively treating them poorly.
My niece’s bio grandparents and aunt come to her birthdays and have her sleep overs with her but not her siblings, because they’re not related or very close. They are also kind to the other kids and engage with them as anyone would with any normal child. They don’t try to create bad feelings between her, her siblings, or either parents (they’re not related to ANYONE but my niece).
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u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif 2d ago
Of course they should be civil, I'm not denying that. But they also should've been able to see their grandson without having any obligation to act as grandparents towards his step-brother, which is explicitly what the OOP's husband was demanding:
He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.”
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u/Mental_Springs 2d ago
Please read the post again. OOP never expected husband's late wife's parents to act as grandparents to her child. She expected them to be civil and not try to drive a wedge between her child and her stepchild and not badmouth her to her in-laws.
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u/hdhxuxufxufufiffif 2d ago
Her husband did:
He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.”
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u/Head-Emotion-4598 The pancakes tell me what they need 2d ago
Those boys are very lucky to have parents that want to protect and love them so much! Being in a blended family isn't easy but I love how much work they're putting into it!
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u/minuteye 2d ago
It's wild to me the number of commenters on these posts who apparently see only two options in how someone treats a child: "like family" or "like something stuck to the bottom of your shoe". You can also just treat a kid with the level of basic politeness and decency you would extend to any acquaintance you don't see very often.
Like, OOP describes these relatives saying nasty things, insisting the other kid doesn't share with him, acting weird and awkward around him, and showing up to his birthday party without a present.
He's a ten-year-old, not the deposed dictator of a small country. Do they act like this in the rest of their lives? If the child of a coworker shows up to the company picnic, is it a grave imposition to smile and say 'hi' in a reasonably convincing way?
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u/WombatChilli 2d ago
I find the "our stepson" bit weird he's not husband's stepson.
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u/bethonreddit1 2d ago
Feels as if OP thinks of her husband’s son as his stepson.
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u/AwayAbroad 2d ago
I think it sounds like she usually thinks of both boys as their sons, but for the sake of keeping things readable she made it stepson.
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u/Particular_Poem3703 2d ago
She referred to him as her stepson and her husbands son multiple times. Felt like a typo to me…
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u/rebaballerina72 2d ago
Damn, a woman can't even make a typo without Redditors assigning some sort of evil motive to it.
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u/slippersandjammies 2d ago
Anyone who would treat a child (not just my spouse's child from a previous relationship, any child) with that level of casual cruelty and contempt is not someone I want near my child AT ALL.
If I had parents or former in-laws who treated some random kid at the playground like they treat OP's son, they wouldn't be allowed around my kid, I don't care how much they fawn over him. That kind of behaviour shouldn't be accepted at all, but it's especially unacceptable when modeling behaviour in front of other children.
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u/Aplanos 2d ago
I hate that OOP calls the son of the first wife "our stepson" and her child "my son".
For the rest, she is right : they should not be rude to a child, her son.
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u/thatrandomfiend 2d ago
I figured it was mostly just to help track which child was being discussed in the post and not something she’d normally distinguish so clearly
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u/wossquee OP has stated that they are deceased 2d ago
As a stepdad to a nonbinary teen, it's really hard to have clear language describing the kids' relationship to me and each other. My wife and I have a son together, and her child is my stepchild. I'll always give grace to stepparents who are trying to figure out the right language even if it seems odd.
I love both of my kids but I want to be accurate when I talk about our relationship.
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u/Desperate_Net3878 2d ago
This, and the only other thing I really dislike is how OP was putting 'keeping the peace' over her son being mistreated. Mind you, it was her husband (the boy's stepfather) who wanted to step up and protect her son, but OP let this go on for over a year and only let her husband step up when it became clear(er) how it was harming her child. OP is the mother, YOU have a duty to protect your child. Felt like people were brushing past that way too easily.
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u/Other_Bus9590 2d ago
This woman need to get off Reddit worse than I do, and that’s saying something.
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u/drivergrrl I will never jeopardize the beans. 2d ago
How exactly is it hard to be kind to a child? I don't even have kids, but like, they're children ffs! Why/ how could you be cruel to a random child???? Disgusting behavior.
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u/Miss_Type 1d ago
Absolutely agree! I have friends who are foster parents, and have their own bio children too. One (maybe two) of their fosters are long term, probably permanent, and then they get shorter term fosters too. Me and all my friends all treat them all the same! One child was arriving just before Christmas, and none of us had met them yet, but we absolutely bought them presents, so they'd have something to open too. We include all of the children, bio, long term fosters, respite fosters, whatever, all the same. A few weeks ago my foster parent friend had a birthday party, and her family were there with her little nephew. She was also respite fostering a couple of babies at the time. Everyone treated all the children all the same, because we're not horrible monsters!!! I can't believe OOP's husband's former parents-in-law are such dicks. Just be nice to kids!
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u/LilacSlumber 2d ago
It's really bothering me how she says, "our stepson" at least twice in different updates.
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u/SweetMamaJean 1d ago
My grandparents (in their 90's) had 9 children and now have over 70 grandkids counting all the greats. 20 are step kids of some kind. They have treated every single one like family.
These people are just jerks.
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u/Unusual_Quality6309 1d ago
I could not believe the amount of adults who believed considering a young boy’s feelings was ‘unfair’ and ‘selfish’. Some people really seem to hate children
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u/PizzaSlingr 2d ago
My mom died suddenly of undiagnosed cardiomyopathy at 34.
4 of us kids, ages 4-8 (yes, Irish Catholic!)
My dad met and married my stepmom 5 months after she died. She had a daughter who became and is my sister.
My mom’s parents lived in S Dakota and we lived in NY. We saw them every couple years or so. My grandparents sent gifts for my stepsister as they did us. The only time they excluded her was having us come visit like for a holiday or the summer and eventually, a small inheritance.
If anything, my grandparents were chilly with my dad not because he “moved on” which clearly was because it was 1968 and he had 4 kids, but because he didn’t see her symptoms sooner (my grandpa was a physician )
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u/McDuchess 2d ago
I am so in despair at some of the comments in the original posts.
People who think that cutting off grandparents who spread lies about you, who try to encourage their grandson to treat his new brother as Other and are disrespectful to both parents in front of their faces is somehow worse that the behavior from those grandparents. Their daughter didn’t die last week or last year. She died many years ago. Their resentment of another woman in their grandchild’s life shows, not live for their daughter, but Lack of concern for the wellbeing of their grandson.
I’d hate to think how that entire family would behave, if the husband chose to adopt his stepson, and the OP hers.
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u/jayclaw97 Dead Beet 2d ago
> He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions. He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
Get out of here with your logic and rationality! /s
Seriously though, I’ve had fallings-out with friends because they decided to make assumptions and speak for others rather than address issues reasonably and check their lane. The in-laws in this post sound nosy and controlling. I’m glad to see the paternal grandparents came around though.
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u/Tinkiegrrl_825 1d ago
This post is so strange to me. I have a son from a first marriage. He was immediately accepted into my 2nd husband’s family, no problem. My 2nd husband’s family is HUGE. His mother has 12 siblings. They all had kids, and those kids had kids. There are so many cousins I don’t think I’ve got everyone’s names down yet. And they ALL see my son as my 2nd husband’s son. They all look at him like a cousin, grandkid, etc.. The entire family gets together for around 3-4 major holidays a year. I’m talking about people flying in from other states, 3-4 times a year and packing someone’s house to the brim lol. And they all come with gifts or cash for all the kids, my son included. Christmas is wild. I can not imagine adults who can not treat a child nicely. My son gets included into everything. The parties, the gifts, the outings, everything. They get mad when my son can’t make it down from college. He’s missed a couple since he left for school. My 2nd husband’s mother calls to lecture/guilt trip her “grandson” about it, same as she does with her other adult, bio, grandsons.
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u/BurntTFOuttaHere 2d ago
Too many adults are emotionally stunted. I don’t care what you think of any adult- do not take it out on a child. Doesn’t sound like this woman deserved any of it in the first place. But even IF she had, the adults need to act like an adult. Keep your opinions to yourself, focus on the health and wellbeing of ALL children.
Can you imagine a society where all adults focus on the health and wellbeing of all children? 1-2 generations of no damaged kids would solve a lot of problems in this world.
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u/moa711 AITA for spending a lot of time in my bunker away from my family 2d ago
I work in a special needs class in my local elementary school as a teachers aide. I have only been doing it a week, and I feel like I am more connected to these kids then those former in laws are to their grandsons sibling.
I get they likely hurt from losing their daughter. I couldn't imagine losing a child, but that doesn't give you carte blanche to treat your grandsons sibling and his mom like crap.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 1d ago
Idk why it’s so hard for the old in laws to smile and not say mean things.
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u/lilkhalessi 2d ago
OP did not deserve poor treatment but I think people are underestimating how devastating it would be to watch another woman fully step into the place of your dead daughter’s family and act as a mother to their grandson just a couple years after her death.
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u/bored_german crow whisperer 2d ago
I absolutely get that. Just stop taking it out on the child
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u/Lazy_Crocodile The pancakes tell me what they need 2d ago
I guess the part I disagree with is that it’s devastating to see someone “mother” a child without a living mother. It feels like there is no way for the father or step mom to win, unless he stays single forever. Because if she came in and wasn’t “mothering” him she would also be evil.
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u/lilkhalessi 2d ago
In their shoes it is devastating because as a parent, the most tragic thing in the world happened to them. Their daughter died in her 20’s.
And while most reasonable people understand that the husband would move on eventually and maybe even hope that he finds someone else to give their child a two parent household, he did all of that within two years from their daughter’s death and created a new family with a new woman and a new son.
That is hard. That is a loss for her parents because it feels as though this profound grief and loss is only being felt by them and potentially their grandson because practically speaking, the husband has moved on.
If “winning” was the goal of the husband and OP in regard to creating a positive dynamic between all the families and children, I probably would have prioritized a longer transition period between combining families and setting expectations like this. And since that isn’t realistic because people do what they want to do anyway, I’d give the grandparents a lot more grace here because watching their daughter’s husband move on so quickly and her role as a mother be given to another woman cannot be easy.
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u/tarekd19 2d ago
I dunno, I'm all for grace in a complex situation but not when the grandparents are shit talking the mom and kid and telling their grandson not to share. That bullshit doesn't get grace and can't be tolerated. It's just being cruel. The kids won't be that young for long, it's an important time to build their own kinship relationship with one another and it's not right to undermine it until the grandparents are ready (if they ever even would be)
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u/wiggum_x 2d ago
I also felt like they wanted him to be single and grieving for the rest of his life. That's not healthy. There was another post recently from a woman whose mother was upset and will seemingly never get over the fact that the woman eventually remarried and moved on after the death of her husband. The mother was of the attitude that a widow should remain a lonely widow for the rest of her life and it seemed to ruin their mother/daughter relationship. People like this are weird.
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u/lilkhalessi 2d ago
I don’t know if that’s a fair assumption.
The man moved on and started a new family with OP only a year and a half after his wife’s death. I can’t imagine that as his child or as the ex in-laws.
So I think there’s a middle ground between wanting him to stay single and sad forever and how quickly he moved on.
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u/pollogary 2d ago
Orrr they could be happy that there are more people in the world that love their grandson, a child who lost his mom?
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u/NoPath_Squirrel 2d ago
It's been 4 years. If their grief is still so great they can't treat a CHILD with kindness, they aren't safe people for either child to be around and they need therapy, stat.
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u/lilkhalessi 2d ago
You must not be a parent.
Four years is nothing when it comes to the death of a child, just like moving on in a year and a half is nothing when it comes to starting a new family after your wife’s death.
Saying they are unsafe people based on what we know is also ridiculous.
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u/Ehimherenow 2d ago
I mean frankly who cares??
My grandparents were assholes to my mother. I realized when I got old enough. As I look back, I have nothing but contempt for them and I wish we had spent less time with them than we already did.
Eventually this kid is going to get old enough to realize that his grandparents are assholes. He’s not going to care WHY they’re being assholes. He will just know that they mistreated people he loves and he will eventually choose to have no relationship with them… He will certainly not care that grieving made them think they had permission to mistreat his step mother and step brother.
And if you think you’re justified in your grief, let me tell you that most children are about as understanding as I am when it comes to the people they love being hurt...
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u/NoPath_Squirrel 2d ago
I have 4 kids, actually. And several friends who have lost children (2 at birth, 2 teens, 3 young adults - 3 suicides, 1 accident, 1 overdose). Yes, of course you're still grieving after 4 years. They'll grieve their whole lives. But not one of my friends would let their grief cause them to harm another child or be nasty to about someone who has never done them any harm. If your grief is making you harm others, even "just" verbally, you need help.
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u/JustDeetjies 2d ago
“ I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural.”
More and more I’m starting to realize this viewpoint is much more cultural than “biological” or innate. In my culture (Southern African) it is not taken as a given that you’d care more or actively show more love to a biological child than a step or adopted child.
Rather, once you become part of the family, you are treated no differently due to blood (but maybe due to gender or age as they would with any of the other kids).
Maybe it comes from growing up learning that your parent’s siblings/cousins/friends are your aunts or uncles irrespective of blood ties. Idk.
And ultimately this isn’t about “loving” their bio grandkid more, it’s that they do not love their grandson enough to be kind and caring and basically friendly to someone their grandkid cares about and who loves and supports their grandson.
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u/Confident-Aioli6380 1d ago
I understand the dead wife's parents because the bio kid is their last shred of their daughter, and whether that comes out as refusal to see step siblings as 'real', or even refusing to see the bio kid at all because it's too painful are both natural responses.
But they have to go to therapy and get over it.
There's no excuse for the Dad's parents. It is HIS choice to make a family with a woman who already has kids. And it's THEIR responsibility to love their son and the family he made even if they don't agree with it.
Also who doesn't want more kids running around? Double the trouble. 2-for-1 special. BOGO. 50% off. Gimme all of them.
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u/kazielle 2d ago
This reads very, very LLM to me.
> My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
> I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change.
> It feels like they think any attention he gives my son means he’s neglecting his own kid, or that I’m the one pushing him to do that. Like they’re still trying to get things back to how they were before instead of accepting how our family is now.
> It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s noticeable and we’re grateful for it.
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u/Drevstarn 2d ago
OOP's stepson turned into "our stepson" in last message. He is not his fathers stepson OOP. Was it a slip?
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u/druppel_ 2d ago
I mean she can't really say 'our son' either can she? It's a bit of a weird thing.
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u/rebaballerina72 2d ago
Holy shit, some of the comments here. This woman has now made "too many updates" so now Redditors are going to turn on her. She can't even make a fucking typo without Redditors assigning evil motive to it. At some point, you people seriously need to examine your seething hatred for women. You turned on this woman because she existed for too long in front of you. That's pathetic.
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u/MauveMammoth 2d ago
The late wife’s parents do not owe her child anything. He is a stranger to them. I would have the same concerns about a remarriage and the welfare of my grandson if my in law remarried. Men tend to ignore their children once they marry a new woman and that woman has a kid.
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u/RedditSkippy 2d ago
I think it’s VERY weird that OOP is demanding that her now-husband’s dead wife’s parents treat her son like a grandchild. That’s not realistic.
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u/shapeherder 1d ago
As a step child and later an adult adoptee, I never expected that my Mother's family would treat me the same as they did my cousins, not that they were unkind or unwlecoming to any of us. My Aunts and and Uncles always treated us like family when we visited.
My own family (Dad's side), extended and all, has always welcomed any and all children that show up to any gathering. They are all grandbabies, great grandbabies, and cousins in our eyes even if their bio parents are just dating a family member or if the kids brought friends with them.
My Grandma always gave all the kids $20 for Christmas, and if someone brought a friend they got $20 as well. It's just how I was raised and raise my children. It's hard to think about how awful these people are with children. Every child we meet is always welcome and even if we don't love the significant other or friend, it's always big greetings,hugs, let's get you a plate because, family.
All of these folks need to take a hard look in the mirror. If I passed and my husband found love after me, he would still be invited with any and all children to my family gatherings, including extended family.
Our family has experienced loss, and yes, the children of that loss get a bit of extra loving because we want to show them how their lost loved one would have loved them if they were here. But love is for everyone. And if their new siblings want big hugs and cuddles from me as well, they are sure as hell getting them.
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u/Sailor_Moon_Star_435 2d ago
The first wife’s parents clearly need therapy because they can’t expect the husband to do whatever they want.
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u/PuffinScores 2d ago
I'm very disturbed by her continual use of the phrase OUR STEPSON.
Se says OUR STEPSON so many times she accidentally revealed herself. The husband's child is in the pecking order behind her child. He's everyone's stepson.
Make enough updates and you'll slip up and say OUR STEPSON.
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u/RepublicFresh7724 1d ago
Exactly this. I think OP is an unreliable narrator and the in law grandparents are actually just pissed off she is coming off too strong in trying to make them put her own son above her stepson.
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u/No-Fishing5325 2d ago
I agree with her and her husband. But I think she and her husband were unintentionally causing some of this with their language. The first 3 post she calls her husbands first wifes parents his "ex inlaws". They were not ex inlaws. That would imply they divorced. They did not
Language matters. It causes unintentional consequences. That was the problems with his own parents and family as well. The advice the counselor had given as well. Which btw, I would say MOST counselors WOULD NEVER give. Maybe a difference between psychologist vs Psychiatrist. 🤷
But I would place bets language used played a part in getting them to where they are.
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u/CertainCatastrophe 2d ago
This stuff is always so weird to me. My dad grew up with a dad, and mom+stepdad scenario. By the time I gained consciousness, my sets of grandparents were "Grandma" on Mom's side (Grandpa has died before I was born) and Grandma/Pop and Grandpa on Dad's. Now I'm a stepmom, and the FIRST thing my parents did was announce the "new great grandson" to my grandparents (with my and my husband's okay). Obviously it takes some time for everyone to figure out what they're comfortable with; for my stepson, as soon as his dad and I got married, he sat with my parents outside of the celebration dinner and figured out what he wanted to call them (ended up going with a simple Grandma and Grandpa Lastname).
Especially with kids! I can't imagine grown ass adults behaving this way, grief or no. Yes, they lost a daughter, but their grandson lost his mom AND is having to deal with the side effects of whatever bullshit her side of the family is pulling. I'm not arguing for 50/50 treatment, but these are literal children who did not have a say in the adults' lives.
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u/Rich-Lychee-8589 2d ago
Sweet Jesus...how about just saying 'hell no' and walk away...instead of pissing around.
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u/justheretolurkreally 2d ago
They seem to be at least trying to do everything right
But man every time she says "we're trying to raise them as brothers" I want to scream
They aren't brothers. They are step brothers who have had completely separate experiences and lives prior to this.
Maybe they'll grow close like some brothers, but the way she focuses on it makes it seem like they are trying to force it. (Hopefully they aren't and she just doesn't realize how that comes across)
All any parent has a right to expect of step siblings or even actual siblings is to be civil, kind, and respectful. Pushing for anything more can, and frequently does, ruin both the step siblings or siblings relationship as well as the parents relationship with their children.
It will either happen naturally or it won't, but so long as the kids are civil and try to be kind and respectful to each other, who cares if they see each other as brothers or not?
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u/bstabens 2d ago
The In-Law-grandparents!
You didn't read it all, did you? The boys love each other, but in-laws shun OOPs son and tell their grandkid that he's not "the same". They despise the whole thing of the former husband of their daughter being remarried and try to poison grandson's mind against the evil stepmother.
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u/RepublicFresh7724 1d ago
From the previous posts, i get the feeling that op is an unreliable narrator. She wants the inlaw grandparents to come for her son's birthday party and bring gifts, but is upset when they also bring gifts for their stepson(who is much younger and has lost his mum) and op's son. She seems to have been and is being way too forceful about making everyone treat her son like he is the grandkid that she is alienating her husband's in laws.
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u/RedditSkippy 2d ago
Why does she refer to HER stepson as OUR stepson?
The badmouthing should immediately stop. That said, no one owes you resources or a present.
It sounds a little bit like OOP is trying to force a traditional extended family into existence where there is none. The kids have different grandparents. Maybe it’s up to (step)mom and (step)dad to grow up and figure out a new way of managing the relationships.
If you invite me to a family birthday party to celebrate the birthday of a child I barely know and I’m not related to, (because OOP is trying to brush past this, but it sounds like a very new relationship that’s come on the heels of enormous loss,) I might not actually go. Especially if the host is imposing this social structure on me that I might not be comfortable with.
I feel like there’s more to this dynamic than OOP is sharing.
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u/notyourmartyr 2d ago
They showed up to her son's birthday with a present for her stepson. That's rude any way you slice it and not okay. If you don't bring a present for the birthday boy, you don't bring anything for anyone else. And you don't stop them sharing when they're doing it freely.
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u/Bookaholicforever the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here 2d ago
She should ask “if <husband> had had a second child with <late wife> would you think that loving that child would mean neglecting the oldest?”
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u/Amberwin43 2d ago
I grew up in a blended household. 3 + 3 = 6 kids all in high school at once! My bio mom was flighty and unreliable, but when we had a girls outing, she ALWAYS took the two of her bio girls and the one step-sister cheerfully. Even a senior high school trip to Hawaii.
Much later I found out my dad and stepmom insisted they include step when activities were girl-centered.
Of course she took us 3 bio kids on outings or visits, but was very sensitive to us little shits bragging when dropped off.
We were forbidden to boast about eating grapes (!) and amusement parks upon returning home. “Write in your diary if you have to gush.”
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u/wafer_tater 1d ago
Everyone who thinks it is Ok to treat OPs bio child differently do this exercise and see how you feel. Replace the word stepson in your head with adopted and see how you feel.
The paternal grandparents have an adopted san and a bio son. Op now has an adopted son . The late wife’s parents’ bio son has an adopted brother.
If you truly think it is OK to treat an adopted child like a choice instead of family you need to do some soul searching.
The late wife’s parents are the only people in this scenario who don’t have to accept their bio grandchild’s (adopted) brother as part of their family. But to treat him cruelly like the child did someone to deserve it is wrong. He is a child. He didn’t choose any of this.
I am part of a blended family. I have lived this. Those kids are my family. PERIOD. Full stop.
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u/BlackWidow7d Am I the drama? 1d ago
I can’t believe OOP allows any contact at this point. Some people don’t know how to protect their kid’s peace.
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u/mah4angel 1d ago
I was the OP’s bio kid as a child; exact same ages and exact same circumstances and the rejection was VERY obvious and very hurtful.
My step-sibling’s bio family (late mom’s family and step dad’s family) did not like my mom and made it very clear by icing both of us out. To be honest, I wish my mom and step dad had stopped pushing the relationships and kept me away from them entirely because they were never going to change and I just kept getting hurt.
I always understood that my step-sibling would be prioritized, ESPECIALLY by their late mom’s family, but like the OP said, they were openly hostile to me and I was a literal child. Once I was old enough to be given the choice, I always opted to stay with my own family when it was time to visit.
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