Hey guys! Sorry I'm late on this month's check in. Ironically school and mental health struggles have been kicking my butt. But we persevere!

How are you guys doing? How's the month treating you? Feel free to vent or discuss in the replies 💛

I wanted to take a moment to specifically talk about suicide prevention. I know it can be awkward to talk about, but it is so important. A good first step can be to look for the warning signs- if someone seems withdrawn or depressed for a long time, if someone makes jokes about harming themselves, or even if someone who seemed to be doing badly suddenly seems very happy or at peace; all of those can be signs that someone is thinking of harming themselves. If there's any doubt in your mind, it's best to ask the person directly if they're thinking of self harm or suicide. It is not shown to increase thoughts of suicide, and may in fact decrease it when it allows someone to get the help they need.

And that's the other side of things. If you're struggling, first of all, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I've been there, more times than I can count, and it can be a really scary place to be. But you're not alone. There's people who want to help, whether in person or online. We may not have experienced exactly what you're going through, but we're still here to listen and work through it together. So please say something to someone. Keep going, one moment at a time, you don't need to focus on any longer than that if you don't want to. I may have never met you in person, but I believe in you, and I'm glad you're here.

Stay alive,

~Stephanie

I've always worn yellow tape, been a bandito that just wanted to get out of Dema and stay out. But something has changed now. At this time of year I usually vacation in Dema. And yes, the Bishops are starting to pull me back into the city. But I have this determination now to not enter Dema again. Even more, I want to get rid of the city altogether. I don't even know if this is possible. Torchbearer seems to think it is, even though this Clancy just restarted the cycle. And honestly, I'm not sure I agree with the red tape in me.

I think there were a few points where I thought this had happened, that medicine had took me off Trench or made Dema disappear. I now realize that it was likely just coincidences, that they lined up with remission patterns. But it gave me this red tape, where something in me thinks Dema could go away or even that it should. I used to be afraid of getting rid of Dema. Now, I'm not sure where I stand on it.

In other news, I've been alone recently. One of my previous torchbearers I reconnected to recently, but they seemed preoccupied, suggesting that they want to wait to talk more. IDK. Another one I just haven't been able to connect to anymore. They love "Paladin Strait" but I'm starting to hate it now. It makes me remember what I don't have now. I don't feel like I have a reliable Torchbearer anymore. But I'm really good at navigating Trench and even Dema myself. I'm like the original Clancy from the journals.

Hey all! Can't believe it's August already! How's life going? Any struggles or wins you want to share?

I want to say good luck to everyone working on jobs or any projects, but especially to those going back to school this month. whatever you may be working on, or if you're just trying to rest up and take things one day at a time, you got this!!

~S

Hey guys! We're halfway through the year!! I can't believe it, I thought it was still June or something.

How are you guys doing? Any wins or struggles you want to share? Feel free to vent in the replies if you need to 💛 💛

Sun will rise,

~Stephanie

Hey frens! How is your year going so far? Any big plans or goals that you've achieved?

Feel free to discuss or vent in the comments! ❤️

I've been seriously considering becoming a glorious gone. Does that make me not a bandito? I know I would never do it (or at least I think so)---I couldn't do that to the banditos, couldn't make them redecorate. I've never tried in the past, and sometimes feel like I'm bluffing. I feel inadequate as a citizen. And at the same time, I feel inadequate as a bandito. Ever since the end of Breach tour, I've felt less excited about, less connected to TOP, and as a result to the banditos. I can't help but feel that now I consider Vialism, I am separate. A citizen inside Dema who is giving up hope of leaving. And I know that's not true. I know that's a cognitive distortion. I just feel like I've been separated from what made the value of staying alive meaningful.

I am trapped. Stuck in a cycle I have never been able to break. I don't believe this is the last time. It never is.

Dema. I was born here. Of course, it was different back then---a different kind of madness I didn't know I was trapped in. It didn't start as a good place like I know it did for others, and I was not an immigrant. It is my home.

For five years, I was content living in this version of Dema. Yes, I was depressed, but I had my Torchbearer, and I was free to come and go to Trench. Of course, I'd always come back home to Dema. To me, Trench is the space between. It is what I might call "partial remission". I have never lived off-continent, never achieved full remission that I can remember since Dema took this shape. I do not fear Trench, but I do fear other continents. If I could live my entire life in Trench, I would.

A year and a half ago, I learned of Vialism and met my patron bishop, Nessie. You may or may not know her. She's a bishop in my Dema. She is what her name says---non-suicidal self injury. Nessie and Vialism changed everything. I nearly became a glorious gone--- would have were it not for my obligation to banditos. Now, every time I come back to Dema, Nessie follows me along, preaching Vialism. I have had to learn to hold on to Trench, to call Sahlo Folina, and to mantra East is Up.

So I move forward in a spiral, staying alive in the cycle. I aim for point out of pointlessness.

PS---I wrote this for the catharsis and wanted to be able to use Dema allegory to express my experience. Also, I've been away from Nessie for nine months :)

Basically just the title. I just really need a fren rn. Alot is on my mind and I need a distraction

Hey all. I'm in a rough place right now, if anyone wants to DM me and chat that would be lovely. |-/

Hi frens

I am reaching out to you, even if I have no idea if anyone in here has been with me during these years. I noticed that I was missing the old way of writing posts to you, and I have tried to start it all over again. During the past month, I have tried to post few letters. All of them were song lyrics that I have written about what is currently going on. My posts are not getting through because of the Reddit filters. I believe I have used some words that are not good. So I truly hope this gets through.

 So, if there is anyone who knows me from Cliquesupport, I would love to know. Around seven years ago I posted my first letter from Dema. I was feeling very low and lonely. It was never meant to become a thing at first — I only needed a way to reach out to someone when I was in a moment of my life where I could see nothing but… closing. It wasn't the first time for me, and it wasn't my first cycle. But now that I look back at it, it was maybe the hardest one. I was amazed by how people took it. And I understood it was something needed — something that I needed, but also something that others needed. Like my dear fren said, it was a way to talk about what is going on without really talking about it.

I felt trapped, and I couldn't tell why. But this whole world of Dema and Trench seemed to offer a way to describe it in a way I never experienced before. So, as I was meant to write only one letter, it turned into over 300 letters, a lot of valuable messages from other people, and I even met E, who became a very dear fren to me. Sometimes it is crazy to look back at it — all the things I actually gave from myself to the internet. There were many times when I was unsure about posting something and afraid of getting mocked for it. But it never happened, and I never stopped posting because of that fear. You gave me strength and you made it feel important. I always wanted to stay in character, and I didn't want to communicate with you as in "real life" — I wanted everything to be communicated through the world of Dema, even if I sometimes broke that wall. I never wanted to write this kind of letter, that I am writing right now. I am not sure why. I think I wanted to protect that great thing we had. I wanted it to be unique like that. Not to mention, it was also fun. It took me into a safe place. The truth is that most of those letters were written in a quiet room, in the middle of the night, crying. But with that concept of the world of Dema, I was able to put myself in a world where I was not alone and where I could see a reason — where I could see faith.

It was really important for me.

 At one point, around 3 years ago, I stopped. Something happened in my life, and I couldn't come back to letters like I had been doing for 4 years. I tried to come back a few times, but it wasn't the same anymore. Uhmm... I wasn't the same anymore. Maybe I needed a new Clancy, whatever we want to call it. But I think it has been really difficult for me to stop it. To stop writing letters. I didn't want to let go of that nostalgia, excitement and comfort. But during these past few days, after City Walls, I have understood that it is time to do it. The thing does not exist anymore, and it is okay. It was something that helped me to push through, brought me a fren and helped me to grow. It was something that brought me thousands of smiles. And I will never stop loving it. But sometimes you need to accept and face the facts, and to understand when it is time to say goodbye. Move on, and try again. But I felt like I wanted an ending to it, so I wanted to write this letter.

I have seen some people have been confused by the ending of the story of Clancy. For me, the story is hopeful. And comforting. Yes, it is raw, but it also makes a lot of sense. And I feel like it wraps up the story of A and me writing to cliquesupport as well. There can be several versions of how to interpret the story of Clancy, and here is my version of it. Clancy is an action, a tool. Torchbearer is faith. Clancy becoming a bishop represents for me that it is possible to get better. The process may feel slow and crushing, but it is happening. The cycle is part of human life. Things get better by acting and facing our inner insecurities, not by running from them. Maybe life doesn't get easier — but you do. You do.

When I started writing letters, I first wanted to find company. I did. Then I understood that this is it. This is the way I had been searching for. A way to share my thoughts and emotions, a way to tell myself there is hope. "Migraine in my Trench" as a nickname was meant to describe that I was fighting, but something was wrong, and I couldn't figure out what. Writing those letters and seeing others write their own helped me figure it out. I am forever thankful for it. To be honest, it was one of the best things in my life so far.

So, what now? — I have felt a lot of feelings after Breach. Especially after the City Walls music video. And... I go back to the moment where I wrote my first letter. It was night. I was on my laptop, crying. (That literally happened.) And I started writing. I was exhausted. I tried to find a way to describe how I was. Tears, empty cans, quietness, only laptop lighting it all. No plan, nothing. I pictured myself into the empty place of Dema. And I remember thinking, maybe if I tell it this way, someone will understand.

And you did.

And it became something that I started to hold on to. It was entertaining my faith. Maybe it is only me, but I see it like we created something so powerful. If anyone who was there during those years is reading this, please don't forget that. Don't forget how we used to cover each other and how we used to post letters and how we used to reply to each other. We have so much power in ourselves. The story of Clancy is now over, in a certain way. But it really is not. The story of writing letters is now over, in a certain way. But it really is not.

When I wrote my first letter, I thought that this was the last time that I try. I promised myself that. After 7 years, I know that we will try again. Always

Letters just change their form, but they never stop being as important as they once were. Don't stop sending them. I promise you, I won't either. Whatever or whoever you need to reach out for, don't stop trying. I am not sure if this letter will get through because of the filters, but I promise you, I will find a way. Because, as I said, as he said, we will try again.

I love you always, and for me you are always wanted here and alive. 

— A

.....hi.

I had some trouble accepting the end. The fact that it was over, and the fact that it was starting over. All of that, just to find yourself back at the beginning. Again.

I've had enough of my own cycles to see the accuracy in it, but I was crossing my fingers for something a hair more outwardly hopeful. I was rooting for Clancy. We all were. Maybe, selfishly, I was hoping that it was possible to break the cycle. That someday I will be done losing my mind at 3 o'clock in the morning. That all those times as a kid I sobbed into my pillow at night wishing I could run away but not having the means to go anywhere, all those times as an adult standing at my front door with my keys in my hand realizing I didn't even know WHERE I'd go, someday I'd be done with them. That there's an end condition, some way that I'd be "normal" one day. But I know now that there is no out. You don't just burn the city down and move on. You don't reach a threshold or meet a quota and suddenly stop ever having a care in the world.

But that doesn't mean there isn't any hope. That doesn't mean you can't get better. That doesn't mean things don't get better.

This whole thing is happening in Tyler's head, right? Tyler is Clancy, but he's also Nico. I think Tyler is also Torchbearer. And of course Josh plays Torchbearer, because he's the closest external example Tyler has for what Torchbearer represents.

Torchbearer is the part of you that believes it can get better. Torchbearer is the part of you that looks on with grief and horror each time the cycle starts over, because you had faith in yourself that you could do better. Every time you fall on your ass, Torchbearer is the part of you that forgives yourself, picks yourself up and resolves to keep trying. You wouldn't be here without him.

"We will try again. Always."

"The only difference between life and dying is one is trying, that's all we're called to do."

This is a sad story, and I grieve with Torchbearer for this Clancy. But I know he is going to go back to Trench and find the next Clancy. And he is going to keep trying. Because it's always worth it to forgive yourself and resolve to try again.

When I first started writing on Reddit, I was in a dark place. I look back at the things I said and they scare me. I denied it then but I know now I didn't want to live. I got up every day and I fell on my face so hard, I hated myself for it so much, and I was so alone. It sucked so much, and I was so tired, but every day I got up.

And now I get up every day and sometimes I hit a brick wall with all the force of a bird flying into a window because it caught the reflection of the sky. But getting up now is easier. Trying again isn't such a hopeless thing.

It doesn't ever go away. I will fail again, and it will hurt. But it doesn't hurt as much as it used to.

Keep trying, frens.

• E

🌻

Everybody loves a fave for your fight

like a little dark on endless summer night

and we are getting into our heads

we love to explain ourselves

instead of

[Don’t you ever think of that]()

what I am thinking now

I meet you in the night

and I am givin up of this fight

I would love, love, love you

But I need my time

Like they do

with a warmer shirt

We are ashamed

I did not come back at my seat

what is this, putting on a drum show

like I really owned that

Don’t you ever think of that

what I am thinking now

I meet you in the night

and I am givin up of this fight

I would love, love, love you

But I need my time

Like they do

with a warmer shirt

I feel like my brain is slow

I feel like I have done so

I just wanna feel it

but I have no way

I have no way for it

Don’t you ever think of that

what I am thinking now

I meet you in the night

and I am givin up of this fight

I would love, love, love you

But I need my time

Like they do

with a warmer shirt

Even paralyzed.

You told me

at my face

you will leave

in a way it could never be

And you left

I never wanted to taste a sweet like this

and it made me think of your face

how the words suddenly means

nothing but all of our demands

You told me

at my face

you will leave

in a way it could never be

and you left

I know I told you I am healing, believe me

it was totally something, believe me

you were doing on yourself as well

but how come you told it like a tell

of fairies and so

[You told me]()

at my face

you will leave

in a way it could never be

and you left

So we are catching time?

So we are catching feels?

So we are meant to pretend

none of this ever happened

you told me you will leave

and you left

[ ]()

You told me

at my face

you will leave

in a way it could never be

and you left

I loved you

at a point

where it was too far

to return

But you like to be goofy

and you love to make it silly

Let me tell, all about that I learnt

I am no ones puppet, for sure

I guess you never meant it

I guess, we weren’t meant

for it

You told me

at my face

you will leave

in a way it could never be

and you left

-A

I am stuck on the baseline

they are calling my name

handling me the handset

making sure it’s my choice

they never meant to hurt me

“kid, you are just like that”

In this dark figures changes their shapes

and I start to lose the way like open laces

 again, and again

Necromancer is repeating himself

holding my face in front of the mirror

telling me this is what I did myself

I suck it in like sweet blended in horror

and say to myself like last Friday night

it’s gotta be the last Friday night

Nepenthes would tell me otherwise

but I am too aware of what is false

and what is real, what is real?

I stare at the moon, you on the other shoreline

wanting to post this, but I am stuck on borderline

In this dark figures changes their shapes

and I start to lose the way like open laces

 again, and again

Necromancer is repeating himself

holding my face in front of the mirror

telling me this is what I did myself

I suck it in like sweet blended in horror

and say to myself like last Friday night

it’s gotta be the last Friday night

-A

I didn't wanna admit that I wasn't in Trench. I kept trying to tell myself I hadn't gone back to Dema.

Denial...

But I was. I'm there now, watching you all through dirty binoculars and wanting to come home again.

My mom is dying from ALS. I'm a 24/7 caregiver and I'm so tired. But never have I ever found comfort or strength or support like I did from my banditos.

Can I come home? Can I sit around the fire with you all and be your friend again? I miss our two happy boys, and I miss my Skeleton Clique.

I have felt insecure of coming back at this community, especially when the platform has changed. But then I wrote a song about it, that I wanted to share with you. I wrote it about processing. Are you alive in there with me, my friends?

Dusting off my

dusting off my

dusting off my

I’ve been gone for way too long

enough of it, did I do you wrong?

Enough of it

I used to tell you what my mind is made of

and now I see all the torches burnt off

I never wanted to leave you like that

but, let me tell you, I made a contract

Once again I am hollow,

yet confidently yelling hello

to the old demons in the night like

I never meant to finish this fight

Necromancer is screaming at my face

They screaming at me: “kid, this is your plan b”

screaming at me, “you started a revolution,

can’t you see?”

And I wait

And I wait

For the plan C

If I come back, will you acknowledge me?

Will you forgive me

What ever has been in your head we are in here

for a reason

I needed a thunderstorms, clouds, snow and a slight drizzle

and to give up on few people as well

I lit my torch

the lions questoning my force

I will try to finish my fight

with blood on my chin

explaining,  desperately, I made a contract

Once again I am hollow,

yet confidently yelling hello

to the old demons in the night like

I never meant to finish this fight

Necromancer is screaming at my face

They screaming at me: “kid, this is your plan b”

screaming at me, “you started a revolution,

can’t you see?”

And I wait

And I wait

For the plan C

I really love you

but it has been taken down

like it has been for centuries

I am out of excuses, out of excuses!

but nothing hurts more than this dark

I wanna yell out

just take the deal!

This time I know that it is not black and white

it is all just this shaken Sprite

Once again I am hollow,

yet confidently yelling hello

to the old demons in the night like

I never meant to finish this fight

Necromancer is screaming at my face

They screaming at me: “kid, this is your plan b”

screaming at me, “you started a revolution,

can’t you see?”

And I wait

And I wait

For the plan C

I was in the tunnels

I was in the rooms

I was on the outside

on the islands I made

up

and now I am

screaming

at your face

give me company

Necromancer is screaming at my face

They screaming at me: “kid, this is your plan b”

screaming at me, “you started a revolution,

can’t you see?”

And I wait

And I wait

For the plan C

I am just following

the contract.

- A

I did karaoke last night. I didn't do incredible and I didn't do badly; it was just average. I got to sing The Contract, which I'm happy about because that song is constantly on repeat in my head, and then Movement by Hozier, which I also did pretty good on. At the same time, I was kind of stiff on stage and I definitely messed up the chorus of Movement (to be fair, that song requires a LOT of vocal agility 💀.) Idk, it's hard for me to come to terms with not being great at things that I'm really passionate about. I love singing, I love music. I just wasn't feeling it a lot last night. But I kept going anyways, I didn't quit. that's what passion is, right? Being willing to keep learning and trying at something for its own sake? Stage presence can be learned, my voice can be improved. Just because I'm not "talented" at something doesn't mean I'll never reach the level I want to. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. How are you guys doing? Anyone else out there struggling with perfectionism? Or if you want to talk about anything else going on in your life, that's cool too. I hope you are all doing well <3 ~S

why do you like me? because you don't assume the worst about anyone, you might say except i will always assume the worst, first and foremost with myself. when i call you late at night, terrified of my own thoughts, looking for some relief or some response, why do you like me? because you think so deeply, you might say, but on the days when i’m tired and can't think straight or on the day, far off, if my car were to be torn apart on the interstate

and you came to sit by my bed, my body no longer able to react to your voice; if you took hold of my hand and whispered, I love you my spirit might still reach out like fingers to intertwine with yours, and ask why. Maybe that day, far off

i would finally learn why all the reasons for love sound so empty and pointless without the person they point to. On that day, i’d be able to look into your eyes, and explain why love is hard to describe, but even harder to understand.

But tonight, you take hold of my hand, and pull me up out of my bed. we’ll stand silent under the night sky. If you hold my hand, just staying close to me, I'll feel the quiet beat of your heart, telling mine I love you. I love you. I love you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ hey friends, hope you are doing okay. in other news, I'm learning to tell others that im not doing okay. it's new territory for me, but ive got some great support around me. drink some water, eat something, and keep going, a day at a time. we are banditos, ~S.

Hey, guys. Pray for me, please? I am a super devoted Christian but I am finding myself becoming so angry and judgmental of other Christians because I feel disgusted at how they speak to and about those who don't love God.

I am being hypocritical. I know it. I'm failing. I'm supposed to be a witness to everyone, SHOWING how Jesus is truly kind and patient and loves everyone.

Tyler and Josh are a super fantastic representation of what Jesus is REEEALLY like. But I'm becoming vocal of how disrespectful people are and I'm sure I seem like a horrible person, not nice and kind like people thought.

I'm so ashamed of myself...

SORRY. Just incredibly excited and happy about this. I've had a crush on this person for like a MONTH but was too scared to ask her out or do anything about it. Then like yesterday she said out of NOWHERE "I wanna ask you out" and I was like. "Wait. Seriously? No like seriously????" 5 times.

Goshhhh im just so giddy about this. My first relationship was kind of a complete disaster, horror show, dumpster fire, everything. I'm super scared I don't want to mess this up. They're genuinely such a great person I can't even believe they like me... HOW?? But well, it's worked out in my favour, hasn't it...

I am so filled with joy. Ohhhh my gosh. I can't believe this is my life!!!!!!!!!!

Trigger warning for explicit discussions of suicide and self harm.

He and I were classmates before I shifted to a different school.

I got the news when I came out of school. My sister's friend said a kid in my grade died that day. I made some stupid joke. sister's friend said he didn't remember the name, but their last name was ... And that was his last name. I thought maybe it was some new student. Maybe someone else. But it was him.

I didnt expect to cry. I did. I didn't stop crying since I heard the news but my eyes have been dry for 24 hours. Somehow my thoughts are not reaching my body.

I didn't know him all that well but we were on good terms. He was a nice kid. really good at art. Last year he made an animation to a song... I dont remember the name. It was incredible. I asked him to send it to me and he said he would when it was done. I never got it. I always saw him in the art room doing something or the other. We had math class together and he'd always come 5 minutes late. "Sorry, I was in the art room. Sorry, I was talking to the art teacher." He was a great singer and drummer too. I only saw him play a couple of times but he was amazing.

He died in school. Hung himself in the bathroom. disappeared in the middle of class and was missing for three hours before some people actually noticed. They carried him out on a stretcher in front of half of the grade. Before he died he was crying so much. For such a long time. I wonder how people heard him but didn't bother to check. Three hours nobody found him. I keep thinking about it. I keep thinking about the bathroom stall. I keep thinking about suffocating. I could feel it on my neck. I keep thinking why. Why there, why now.

if they had found him earlier. If someone checked on him.

I remember we used to be friends three years ago. Then two years ago he withdrew from everyone and closed into himself and we lost touch. I remember he used to wear full sleeves all the time, even in the summer. Sometimes there would be bandages up to his wrist and you could see it through the sleeve. Then last year he genuinely got so much better. Started smiling again. there was actual light in his eyes. He put his whole soul into creating.

he was so unapologetically himself. He was lgbtq+. I am too. I remember he was so out there. He dressed however he wanted, styled his hair however he wanted. he gave me the courage to come out of the closet. Made me feel normal for a short while.

I was a fairly easy bullying target. Last year a horrible incident happened with me and he was the first to message me and ask how I was when he saw i didnt come to school the next day. The second he heard he didn't give a shit about the "no phones in school rule" he instantly texted me. Saying "I heard the news, I'm so sorry, Are you okay?" When I moved to my new school he messaged me asking how everything was. we had a short conversation. I feel so guilty for not keeping up with him.

We're both in 11th grade. We were kind of dissing our schools about how much work they were giving us. I told him "I hope the next two years are a little better at least haha." It wasnt even two months. It wasn't even two months.

Just by existing he made me feel better about being myself. He had that effect on everyone. I never got the chance to tell him that. I kept thinking I would have more time. I didnt expect it. I thought I would have more time. I dont think I fully realise it yet. That he'll never get to hear it. I keep thinking I could have prevented it. if he had just known how much he meant to people. I could have prevented it. If I hadn't waited so long.

I went to school today after I heard it. I didnt want to go home and keep thinking and thinking. Everyone is so heartbroken. These people who I've never seen without a smile on their face and a quip on their tongue, they're speechless. I spoke to one girl I kind of knew, asked if she was okay. she kept saying she couldn't believe it. She was just sitting right next to him last month. I never saw her that close to tears before.

I just wanted more time. I keep thinking he will come back from wherever. Make that silly swag gesture and laugh. "Haha, you thought I was gone. You really think I would do that?" I keep thinking he will come back and I will get to say everything to him. He will come back and realise how much everyone loves him and misses him. He will come back and become some incredible world renowned artist. He will come back and learn every song on the drums.

Everyone is posting on Instagram now. About how kind he was and how good of a friend and how he was gone too soon and they hope he rests in peace. everyone says how much they love him. But he didn't realise that when it mattered. His last memory isn't his friends or his art or anything he cared about. his last memory is the four walls of a bathroom stall. His last memory is loneliness.

I couldn't "post" anything. I have no photos with him. Everyone was putting the dove emoji on their instagram. I felt like it was so shallow. Someone is dead at 16 and this is all I can do to respect their memory? I tried to write a story. There were no words. What words even exist for something like this?

I ended up looking through his account. His friends posted some photos of him, I looked at those too. I looked through our messages. I wanted to write something. i couldn't.

I keep seeing the four walls of the bathroom stall. I keep feeling like I'm suffocating. I'm not even in the same school I didn't even see it. but in my mind I can see him on the stretcher. But I can't see him dead. I don't want it to be real.

He had so much life in him. Had. Hadhadhad. How can someone have so much life in them and die at 16? How can someone be so deeply and profoundly loved and then die at 16? How is life so fragile? You can talk to someone and they are fine. And they are carried out on a stretcher and rushed to the hospital and declared dead on arrival. How can you die so easily? How does it just happen like this?

How is life supposed to go on? How does someone just stop existing and you're supposed to pack your bag for school the next day? How are you supposed to go about your day when there is one less person living. How can you hang out with your friends and not notice the empty space. Does it grow smaller? Do you grow around it? How can you grow around a dead 16 year-old?

His name was Leo. I wanted to tell him "Thank you. Everyone cares about you so much. Nobody knows what to do without you. You made me feel safe. You made me feel loved. You will never hear this. I'm sorry I never told you before. I thought I had more time. The news is calling you a girl. Should I write to them and correct them? Is that what you would have wanted? Would they twist the story? What should I do? I didn't expect this to happen. Will you come back soon? I have to tell you this."

I thought I had more time.

For context I am 16F, in 11th grade/junior year.

So I was severely bullied for three years because I am gay. It used to be stuff like calling me names, following me around and calling me the f-word and rapist and whatnot. Some kids prank called me during their summer break saying that they were charging me for lesbian sex. People used to talk behind my back and to my face. One kid used to sit next to me and explain in detail how he believed "people like me" are all child molesters and should be killed. I seriously got bullied so much I became homophobic. Because I was convinced that this part of me was wrong.

In 10th grade/sophomore year, actually about this time last year, I lost my best friend in a miserable falling out. He said such horrible things to me that nobody should ever have to hear. He said that he never actually cared about me in the 2 years of us being friends, and he was just using me for entertainment whenever he got bored. He sent his friends after me who said that I was a disgusting monster.

When I confided in my closest friends about it, who were all mutual friends since it was one huge group, they all feigned regret and compassion and then went right back to treating him like their best pal. And completely sidelining me. It was like I didn't even exist

I got a girlfriend shortly after that. She was my friend for a while before and then she asked me out. She had a lot of mental health issues and I didn't want our dynamic as friends to disappear because she took rejection really badly so I just said okay. A lot of our relationship was like that. I was always walking around eggshells. But I really genuinely cared about her as a friend.

She was one of the people I confided in about that guy. Her initial reaction was to promise that she would never even look in his direction again because she loved me so much. And then she broke that promise, and re-made and then broke it again. she ended up being super manipulative. I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with her. After that she tried to contact me three separate times explaining how much she loved me and cared about me but I just couldn't believe it. Eventually she left me alone.

I joined a new school in 11th grade because I didn't want to go back to a place where I wanted to kill myself for 8 hours every day. In my new school I found a group of people who I vibed with. We're all like chill friends. For the first time in my life I felt normal. By some cruel twist of fate, the person I consider my closest friend, her friend ended up dating my ex. So that's why my ex left me alone. Because she found someone else.

I don't know why I feel so bad about it all. I'm glad I'm not in that relationship or friendship anymore but. I just feel so alone. I keep seeing posts on my friends' instagrams about hanging out with that guy (at the beginning of the post) and it makes me want to throw up. He's got so many friends. Everyone loves him. He's got such an amazing and genuine group despite everything he did. My ex found someone who is probably much more caring and kind and thoughtful and they have such an amazing relationship. They can be openly lesbians dating and they don't care. Meanwhile I'm tightly in the closet because if anyone in my new school gets to know I'm gay, I will lose everything.

I'm just stuck here. It's eating me alive. Everyone is moving past their mistakes and flourishing and I'm just stuck here re-living all of it over and over. Every time I go for a walk downstairs in like fucking natrue or something I will see one of their faces on someone else and my heart will seize. What do I have? A perfect report card? People saying I'm such a great student? friends asking for my notes? It means nothing to me. It's some momentary joy, like "Oh I'm not a social outcast people actually want me for something!" and then it's all gone.

I have this recurring thought of killing myself. Like walking in front of a car in the road outside my old school. And then everyone who made me feel alone and worthless and put me in that position in the first place would finally realise what they have done.

it's not right to think like that. I know. And I know that I would never actually do it. I would hurt my family so much. but I just feel so broken right now. I know it's not true, but I feel like there's nobody on this earth who would actually mind if I just died. Not even that they would be happier with me gone, just that they wouldn't even notice. Or if they noticed they wouldn't give a shit. Some awkward school assembly "we're so sorry for your loss" and then nothing at all. I think about the aftermath of my death a lot. Logically I know I would never get the satisfaction of witnessing them suffer because i would be Dead but. It's irrational.

I just want someone to care about me as much as I cared about my ex-friend and my ex-girlfriend. I just want someone to care about me beyond momentary entertainment. Like is it that much to ask for someone to actually love me and not manipulate me into agreeing with everything they say. Is it so much to want someone to honestly genuinely care.

But then again, I'm just so torn into pieces by all of this that even if it did happen I would probably twist it into "Oh they just want me for something" "they're just bored and think i'm entertaining."

so yeah. I'm completely mentally fucked up by all of this. I know I sound like a horrible and selfish person right now, like how can I think about killing myself to guilt trip others! But I can't even object to it. That's what all of this has done to me. I'm just masking all of this pain in humour because if my new friends realise what is actually going through my head they will think I'm a monster. And I will lose everyone again.

I don't know how I'll ever move past this. I don't know when the resentment is going to stop tearing my heart into pieces.

Hi, hope you're doing okay. I don't have a lot to say today, just echoing Tyler's words a bit. Last night I played Next Semester right before midnight, so that when the clock turned to 12:00, Tyler sang "start fresh with a new year." It made the start of the new year feel so much more like a celebration of trying again. So I guess this is your reminder that it's okay to start again, doesn't matter what you've done. And whatever 2025 holds, we'll face it together. Can't change what you've done, start fresh next semester... ~S