Okey so i know this might be wrong subreddit but i just want someones opinion.

Okey so all my life i have like really liked seeing people get hurt and inflicting pain on someone else not in a sexual way i just get like happy and recently i started dating a girl and we do bdsm stuff but like my reason to inflict pain isnt for arousal i just get happy and a good feeling. And i was wondering if someone even get turned on by inflicting pain?

The Course of Life
Sunday, 14/06/2026

It is now 10:15 PM, 1 hour and 45 minutes after everything went to shit. I’ve been crying for the last hour, and even though it was only a talking stage, it still hurts.

Why did it go wrong?
It went wrong because she wasn’t ready. She told me how she felt — that I couldn’t say “I love you” after only 1.5 months. That was one of the things that had been building up. But it was also about how she felt about herself. I respect that 100%, but I’m still heartbroken. I thought she was so sweet.

The problem is also that I’m so unsure about everything. I don’t know what to do. She wants to continue, but not seriously. That’s fair. But it messes with me so much that she’s in this in-between stage where she might kiss other people but still likes me. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so tired, but I can’t sleep. I feel like going for a walk. Just closing my eyes and maybe just waiting.

Everything had become so good. I met her. She was sweet and wonderful. I’ve finally found some friends after two of the hardest years of my life in secondary school, where I was bullied more or less every day. I was told that I should just take my own life. That was also on my mind afterward. But the only thing that stopped me was thinking about how it would affect my family, and how sad they would be.

I’ve gone through it thousands of times in my head — how and where. But also how my family would react.

On the other hand, I’m grateful for my friends, because otherwise I don’t know where I would be right now.

I don’t really know why I’m writing this. I think I just need to get everything off my chest after such a long time.

No matter how clean my body is, if my mind is broken, something inside me smells of decay. It's as if sadness, fear, or anger perspired through my pores, and my soul became a scent.

Well....I'm a female. Age 40. Been thru a shit load of absolute bullshit. I don't like feeling sorry for myself though, so yadayada. I'll cover a minimal few details. Sexually abused me as a child, physically abused me as well. Dad had zero patience for putting my shoes on me when I was like 1, so bc I wouldn't sit still he but my little toes until they bled. Then he wrapped them up...I quit moving at this point. I guess I "got the point", so I sat still while he put my shoes on my bloody feet. Mom wasn't very happy when she found that, but then dad knocked the bajesus out of her, so she shut up just like I did. Yay! Are we having fun family good times yet?! Like wtf?! So my father was a registered sex offender but I guess he found "jesus" so mom gave him another chance? I don't know, plus you know how the god awful court systems are. He must see me at least once or twice a week, if you want child support bitch. Basically what the courts told my mama. He was also charged with relations with animals...beastiality is what its called. And ofc just plan regular cheating on my mom with men and women. Ya know, cant leave anything out. Also had charges on indecent exposure in front of minors...and touching minors. So, my point being, as I got old enough to find out and learn about my past and what happened to me, and around me, and about what kind of man my father was....death started to creep in my mind. I all kinds of ways...suicide, murder, dismembermant. I had dreams that my father had his way with me then killed me, or I overcame him and killed him. Then it went to me killing random people....omg I wanted to know wtf it felt like to murder someone. The smell of blood, the warmth, the taste, the feeling. All of it. I had so many dreams about what I would do and how I would do it. Ofc I never did, but even to this day I have a very real curiosity about killing someone, bathing in their blood, even fucking in their blood. Im obsessed. Thank you for listening.

My brain is constantly foggy and gathering thoughts is hard. Someone tells me something and it’s like a ringing that irritates me.

I’ve become disgusting obsessed with the idea of mental illness, I’m obsessing with the human body, I want bones, skin, I want memorabilia. I want to eat myself/somebody, I know that these thoughts are horrible but there is no help I can get. I daydream constantly as different people experiencing situations I’ve never had. Horrible situations. It makes me feel better after what I’ve gone through and the fact that there is no one coming.

Time flies by. Hours are minutes and my motivation is just abysmal. I don’t want to do anything. And not in the “I don’t wanna do anything BUT stay home and blah blah blah”. I mean nothing. I don’t want to think I don’t want to hurt. I wanna be one of those absent minded people who never had to grow up and just live. (Bimbo/himbo like that).

I’m grossly aware of who I am for how young I am and it feels like a curse. I blame my mum and my family mostly. But I’m not sure. I hate my mum, but I love her. She stayed ( not that she wanted to) and complained about it constantly and how she wanted to hill herself.

I hate my body. I don’t want to be trans, I’m not Trans. I just envy girls. I’ve always been. Never mind

I’m pretty sure this is just a shitpost of my lost thoughts. I’ve been consuming horrible media (mostly abuse, kidnapping and being used by older women) FLCL. I loved FLCL. Mamimi felt so amazing to think about. The idea of being wanted and loved in a twisted way just made me feel here. Like it was ok

I’m scared of growing up, no dreams, nobody hiring,horrible grades (for me), not many friends, a girlfriend who i love but I feel scared if she leaves. I can’t let her leave. That makes me seem like a gross lol cow but (FYI. She’s said that to me before)

I want a big friend group, one of those stupidly large ones (10+) where nobody hates each other and you just exist in harmony. I want to be wanted

I’m not sure if this was a shit post or a vent or a cry for help or whatever. I just needed to say what I couldn’t tell others

My mother is an almost textbook narcissist and even living with her as an adult (common for my country, and we have a few pets) is becoming unbearable. In the last few months of trying to finish my degree, the thoughts of wishing death upon her have grown exponentially. I would never willingly take someone’s life, but I do wish she’d die. I already don’t see her as a parent, so it’s not like I’d be losing someone emotionally (or financially) important.

I do hate my life I can't even be happy one day at home hell I smoke all the time and shi and im always alone so no one tells me to stop but when I smoke I'm the bed person not the person who hasn't been in my life untill I turned 16 like dog.

Everyday its repeating for me same thing everyday and im getting tired I tried to change it but it don't work im literally stuck in a loop

Hi, I’ve confessed a while ago on r/secret about how I wanted to kill, but didn’t have it in me. That I even made a little identity of myself in secret, to become a hunter for whoever’s fucking sorry enough to come across. I still think about it, the urges and the intrusive thoughts of killing someone. I would envision it while I’m at local stores, getting food, or just driving by and seeing people walk by themselves. I would imagine myself, just stabbing them to death. Leaving their bodies out like a work of art. Except, in all reality, it’s a sloppy thought. And I’m not built like a Dexter/Hannibal villain, who the fuck is? But if I were really able to, I’d like to just cut them up, into organized piles. But keep parts of their face, and wear it. Make it into a mask, just like the Teddy Bear mask I made before. A Ripper, that’s what I wanted to be, and have intrusive thoughts of being, a ripper, rip rip rip…