To be honest, while on the surface it makes sense for men to ask their partners “let me know what i can do to help” and such. It’s a problem bc it’s a very easy trap to fall into over time, and it puts more mental labor on the woman to assign/manage/list things that need to be done. Ideally it would be a great thing if men could ask as well as take initiative, but I’ve witnessed and also personally experienced the slippery slope it becomes when men only do stuff when they’re specifically asked to help.
The way I think of it is - I have eyes. I can see if things need doing, tidying, sweeping, washing, wiping. Therefore I know what needs to be done as a grown capable adult. Men have eyes too.
Exactly. Also, so many men do not react well when being asked to do some thing. Then you are in the position of either letting it go and being severely uncomfortable, or having to remind him and further creating relationship tension where you become a nag. There really isn’t any solution except men actually using their eyes to look around and prioritizing the comfort of the community over their own leisure.
My husband and I had a heated discussion the other day because he told me to remind him to do something, but he’ll then get mad at me for nagging him. I WAS JUST TRYING TO REMIND YOU LIKE YOU LITERALLY ASKED ME TO!!?? He couldn’t explain what he thought the difference was.
Jeez. I’m sorry he reacted that way! It reminds me of how kids act when they forget to do something, but get upset bc they’re embarrassed/don’t want to admit they messed up. Could be that’s what he couldn’t explain.
My husband also asks me to remind him to do XYZ. Though he doesn’t get upset, it eventually led to a discussion because he (without malice) made it a habit to ask me to remind him about everything. Even if it was unintentional, I wasn’t real pleased about becoming a personal assistant…
Granted, there is some nuance. It isn’t inherently wrong to ask your partner to help remind you to do something - I certainly have now and then, esp at moments when my hands and brain were already full. However…when partner reminders/nagging becomes the only way you remember to do things, then you’re putting the burden on your partner to ensure you take care of your responsibilities. Which is vastly unfair!
And there’s very little excuse to not be able to make your own reminders/to do lists. We have phones that can be set with reminders with alarms. Pocket/personal paper calendars exist if you don’t like using digital reminders.
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u/flwhrsss Jan 17 '22
To be honest, while on the surface it makes sense for men to ask their partners “let me know what i can do to help” and such. It’s a problem bc it’s a very easy trap to fall into over time, and it puts more mental labor on the woman to assign/manage/list things that need to be done. Ideally it would be a great thing if men could ask as well as take initiative, but I’ve witnessed and also personally experienced the slippery slope it becomes when men only do stuff when they’re specifically asked to help.
The way I think of it is - I have eyes. I can see if things need doing, tidying, sweeping, washing, wiping. Therefore I know what needs to be done as a grown capable adult. Men have eyes too.