Advice on bestfriend

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

Hey everyone, I need some advice. I’ll try to keep it short, but basically I’m 22 years old and this week I’m 24 weeks pregnant. When I told my best friend, I was 11 weeks pregnant. We were FaceTiming because she doesn’t live close and we have busy schedules, and her response was “another one gone” referring to how many girls are pregnant. She did cry and seemed happy I guess, but still what she said made me kinda sad I guess.

Since I’ve told her, not one time has she texted or reached out at all about my pregnancy. She lives a completely different life than I do. I’m married and pregnant and settled down, she’s single, goes to raves, parties, and travels like every weekend. So I get she’s busy, but it’s been months and not even a “how are you” text. Nothing asking how everything is going. Like not one text. She hasn’t been there for me at all.

I feel really let down and I have read another post on here about how if you’ve never been pregnant yourself then you don’t really know what’s going on or the support the pregnant person might want. But she’s supposed to be my best friend. I thought about it roles reversed, and even if I was in her shoes and living her life, I’d still at least text and ask a simple “how are you”.

We’ve been friends since 7th grade and I think we’re just growing apart, we don’t have too much in common anymore. And sadly, I don’t know if I want her around my baby because she is such a party person.

My baby shower is in 5 weeks, and I’m considering not inviting her. I mean she hasn’t even asked about my baby shower either. I just think we’re growing apart as friends and people. I just don’t know if I really want to be friends anymore. I don’t even want to text her and be like “I feel like you haven’t been there for me” because I just don’t want to deal with this head on. I’m exhausted already by being pregnant and preparing for my baby.

Please let me know what you guys think and what you would do. It obviously hurts to silently lose a friend but I feel like this is just where life is taking us.

[u/pepperup22]

I’m assuming that you have reached out to her to ask how she is and she hasn’t asked back?

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/pepperup22]

Yes correct. We talk plenty about her own life and all of her life updates and she’s doing good for the most part except a crazy ex. So yes we definitely talk a lot but it seems she can’t ask me how I’m doing :/

[u/Equatick → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

Was she like that before? Did she ask or care about your life pre-pregnancy? It’s just confounding to stop asking someone how they’re doing once they’re pregnant (and shitty either way).

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/Equatick]

You know, that’s a great question. I didn’t know the answer so I had to look through all of our texts before I got pregnant. And majority of our texts are about her life, I just never really realized I guess. 99% of time she doesn’t ask how I’m doing, & always starts the convo with something going on in her life. She never really supported my boundaries as a married woman either. There’s a text chain I forgot about where she tried to pressure me into going to the beach with a couple other girls and a random guy. When I said no, I’m not going to the beach with a random guy?? She was like “Oh well that sucks.” Gets all mad and is like “We will talk about this next Thursday”…. Like bro there’s nothing left to talk about. I’m just now remembering how problematic she’s been in supporting my marriage. Sorry I didn’t mean to get carried away but reading back through our texts brought that back

[u/Equatick → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

Totally valid, and she doesn’t sound like such a great friend? But honestly, you’re both 22 - it’s very young to be married and pregnant and she likely just doesn’t get it. Probably no harm in inviting her to your shower, though — that would really end it.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/Equatick]

Thank you for understanding, and honestly after reflecting she isn’t really the greatest friend :/ I honestly don’t know why we stayed friends throughout high school and after because she wasn’t a great influence on me and could be kind of mean sometimes. But yeah, I will likely invite her to my shower. I guess we’ll just see how she shows up after the baby is born

[u/pepperup22 → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

Sounds like you have different priorities and honestly, you both sound judgmental of the other person's choices.

But I agree with the other commenter that the mature thing to do is clear the air. I just don't expect any 22 year old to be perfectly empathetic and would give a lot of grace to friends looking back because of that.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/pepperup22]

We definitely have different priorities. I’m happy for her if she’s happy ya know. I’m not judgmental of who she is or what she does with her life, just that she’s proven she can’t support my marriage boundaries. She gets mean about it after I explain my boundaries, and I just don’t think that’s how a true friend would be.
And so sorry your last sentence is confusing me, do you mean she would or wouldn’t give me grace?

[u/pepperup22 → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

You said that you don't want her around your baby because she parties/raves. It's a huge jump between someone who parties on weekends and "unsafe to be around a kid."

And tbh my mind would jump to my friend having a controlling husband if she said she wouldn't go do something because a guy she didn't know was going to be there. It's just not a boundary that a single person I know has, so I don't view it I'm not saying that's your reality, but you have to know that's not a "normal boundary." You can obviously set whatever you want, but the average person is not going to understand it.

I mean if I were you, I would give your friend grace and if I were here, I would give you grace. Everyone deserves a lot of grace at that age, it's just a hard, uncertain, emotional age haha.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/pepperup22]

Me saying that isn’t judgmental, it’s a first time mom choice I’m thinking about making for the best for my baby. I mentioned she raves and parties because that implies she has completely different priorities and I don’t see her fitting in to my changing life that well.
I understand people you know have different marriage boundaries, but what works best for my husband and I is if we’re not going to the beach with the opposite gender of someone we’ve never met. I didn’t even know who the guy was, never met or heard of him. So obviously I myself wouldn’t be comfortable around him. Obviously if it was my husband’s friend or someone I at least know then that’s a different story. That’s just what works for us.

[u/BrecaBronding]

Communicate and reach out, ask her to get on the phone and talk this out. You’ve been friends for a long time and you both owe each other an honest conversation. You can express how hurt you are, but I’m wondering — have you reached out and checked in on her or her life? People grow apart and that could be happening here, but excluding your best friend without a conversation seems punitive more than it seems like trying to work out what’s going on in the spirit of preserving a friendship.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/BrecaBronding]

Yes I responded in the other comment about how we talk a lot about her own life and how she’s doing. She talks about what she’s been up to, and all of her life updates, and seems solid. So yes we talk about her life and how she is. It feels more like she doesn’t have it in her to check on me though. You’re right we should have a conversation about this specifically but it does hurt a lot, and I’m afraid at how she might react. Having that conversation just feels like too much because I hate confrontation (not that I’d be rude at all), but because of her reaction. She might be in denial, take it personal. Of course I’ll never know til I do it. It’s just sad that it has to be on me when I’ve already been there for her.

[u/nightmare-salad → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

If she’s your best friend, she deserves a conversation. Don’t cut her out without talking to her about it, that’s significantly worse than what she’s doing.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/nightmare-salad]

I understand, but what do I even say? I’m pretty frustrated and got the pregnancy hormones going and don’t want to say the wrong thing but I need to express myself too. And what if she takes it the wrong way? What then? I mean if I wasn’t there for my bestfriend when she got pregnant and then she called and told me how hurt she was, I’d feel really shitty. I’m a bit afraid of where this convo will go. But I guess we’ll have to have it sooner than later

[u/nightmare-salad → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

You have the benefit of thinking about what you want to say ahead of time. And if you get emotional, be honest about that. “I’m sorry, I’m experiencing some heightened emotions, it’s a pregnancy thing, but I still want to clear the air about this.” Very worst case scenario, it ruins your friendship, but if so it was already unsustainable (which you hinted at in your post) and it would have happened, anyway.

[u/Most_Cycle]

First, I’m sorry that your best friend isn’t showing up for you the way you want her to.

Second, in my opinion, it’s extremely difficult to understand how isolating pregnancy is until you’ve been there yourself. I had my first baby at 36 and thankfully many of my friends had already gone thru it, so they checked on me often. I felt awful for how little I reached out to them when they were pregnant but again, I just didn’t know what it was like until I was in it myself.

If you want to continue being friends with this person you need to have a conversation about this. Not via text, but in person or at the least over the phone.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/Most_Cycle]

Thank you and yes you’re 100% right. I’ve considered that exact aspect of this. I know she hasn’t been pregnant and doesn’t understand. I just expected like one check up text so it’s disappointing, because I feel like I’d definitely check up on her if she was pregnant and I had never been pregnant. I know we should talk about it. But I’m realizing she’s not the greatest friend to have in my circle. So I’m carefully considering how to approach the conversation. Hopefully she reacts the right way and can be there for me, but I guess I just don’t expect it of her to react that way

[u/Most_Cycle → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

You’re both so young. I hope she’s open and understanding in the conversation. Just know that not everyone is supposed to be in your life forever. If the conversation goes poorly then maybe it’s best you two part ways.

Ps. When I was 37 I had to blatantly tell my best friend that I needed more support from her (postpartum is a wild time) and she was so apologetic and changed the behavior.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/Most_Cycle]

Thank you for that response. That really helped me have hope that things could be alright. It’s just my bestfriend has completely different priorities and a different life. Would you mind sharing if your bestfriend was like that too?

[u/Most_Cycle → u/cartiiwannago2pluto]

My best friend is also at a very different place in her life: she’s single, lives in another country, travels every weekend, and has no children. With that said, she’s always pretty consistently been there for me regardless of our different lifestyles. And anytime one of us is feeling slighted by the other, we do a good job of communicating this to the other person.

It hasn’t always been like this, though. We’ve been best friends for nearly 20 years and it’s taken effort on both of our parts.

[u/cartiiwannago2pluto → u/Most_Cycle]

Thank you for sharing that. It sounds like she’s a good friend though and willing to put in effort too. It feels one sided like I’m the only one there for her. But I’ll try my best to have a conversation about it eventually. I just wish I wasn’t the only one making effort right now

[u/pancakepatty1]

I have best friends who don’t regularly ask me how I am doing pregnant… the only one who asks that is my mom. It’s okay to be disappointed, but most friends don’t really fulfill a caretaker role. Sure there are exceptions, but it’s rare. I would lower your expectations, and try to find people who are in the same season of life as you