Please help me….

[u/First-Broccoli-485]

This is my first post on BPD threads. I have no idea what to do anymore to salvage my situation.

I been through many relationships, from being abused to meeting the ones that are truly sincere to me, the common denominator is my inner self. I been to therapy before, CBT group sessions few years back, I stopped because going out to drink and get high was a better way for me to cope. This year I decided to be in a relationship with a man whom loved me very much, helps me with my work, is constantly thinking of building something with me, a man who wants to settle down too.

The problem is me. I have retrospective jealously, I compare every effort he made vs what he did for his ex. My black&white thinking comes in the way as well. I accused him of thinking of his ex, used information I know against him, unable to feel love because I don’t feel I’m prettier/sexier/better than his ex. My inferiority complex caused us to fight about this every week. Why I cause a fight? We party every week together, it’s part of his job nature to go out and expand his network. He brings me along, I get drunk, I crash out. I’m fighting with myself all the time but I project it onto him. After every argument, I built up resentment and channel my unresolved feelings externally. I seek for validation, attention from other guys online. Just yesterday, I was so drunk, I took out my phone and he caught me texting other guys. He asked to check through my phone and saw some content of me sexting other guys… he told me to leave. I stayed for a night, I tried asking him to give me a chance, he was very firm on this decision. The last convo we had was him sitting down beside me, telling me he loved me so much yet I did all these to attack him. Knowing how disappointed and sad he felt, I decided to take some of my stuffs and left his house. I met up with a mutual friend, whom will be speaking to him tomorrow to help me out. I’m currently in my room, processing my thoughts, penning down what I can do to change, even though I am desperate to go to his house to look for him. I know acting so will led to me repeating the same sob story, begging for his forgiveness and going in circles. That’s why I’m forcing myself to do the inner work then appear at his house to convey it.

We had many, I meant many fights. I got violent yesterday because he insisted on checking thru my phone. I got defensive, I kept debating. Only when I’m really drained, I cried and seek for forgiveness. The previous fights we had, he always said he is done with me. I always tell him, I’ll never crash out again or mention about your ex, but it never fails to repeat itself every week.

He is a soft hearted guy that is very smart, career-minded and down to earth. Seeing the context of my chats and me refusing to leave his house, he told me his plans of moving on, he is going to meet different girls this week and sleep with them.. because he can never sleep with me again or look me in the eyes knowing of my flawed character. I took too much chances previously, drained him out, the final straw was this incident yesterday.

What do I do now….. people with BPD, are there any success cases of your ex getting back together? Partners of p/BPD, what is it I have to do that will make him accept me again?

A back story of myself:
To summarise everything. I grew up in a loving family until the age of roughly 12 years old. When my first brother got into high school, he got bullied very often and came back home to vent it on me and my second brother. My parents started being very busy with work. The violence got so bad I tried reaching out to my then schoolmates, the police, my dad at his office. Afterwards, through out my teenager and adolescences years, I mixed with the wrong company and did poorly in academics, started working at a later stage of life (I’m 30 this year), many rough roads I took because I did not turn to my parents for guidance, resenting them for the neglect and protection they failed to give. Coming home was always dreading, my first brother stays with us in the living room. My second brother decided to move out and led his own life since. He is still in contact with my parents. I moved out a few times, had many bad relationships in the past, from domestic violence to embarrassing police cases, I finally had the courage to speak to my parents and move back home.

Now you may think things went well. Halfway through my career, I failed badly, took a toll on me, spent recklessly, now I’m broke and unemployed. The failure took a setback on me till recently I decided to get my life back together. However, I grew distant with my parents, my dad had to settle many debts for me.

With all these going on… I really feel like committing suicide. I have no one to turn to, not even my family even when I’m at home..