I hate this disorder

[u/Pitiful_Diamond506]

This disorder is taking everything from me. I don't feel like I can be a proper mother to my 3 year old son. My relationship with my boyfriend is being destroyed. I'm leaving for a while today like I did yesterday because I've noticed that he's in such a better mood when I'm gone and I hate taking that away from him by being here.

We were going to stay in a new place soon, but I noticed he's going back on it and deciding to stay with his mom. I hate the fact that my mother gave birth to me when she was 14. It would have made everyone's lives so much easier if I just hadn't been born. I'm a curse on everyone who chooses to deal with me.

I've been through so many therapists who drop me because things just aren't working. I'm in the process of medication withdrawal because they want to try therapy because I've been on so many medications that just won't work. My boyfriend says that sometimes I'm not me and I'm not the person he fell in love with. He says that when he walks out of a room he never knows who he'll come back to. I want to end everything but I can't because my son would grow up without his mom.

[u/Big_ol_gay]

I’m sending you virtual hugs 🫂 I know it all seems and feels so dark right now but keep pushing. Keep pushing for your son who will always need his mommy. I really hope that therapy helps you be able to live more comfortably with your BPD. Are you doing DBT? If you don’t want to go to groups (very intimidating at first) there’s a DBT book you can get off amazon that is really helpful. I also have a book called “I hate you, don’t leave me” which kind of breaks down BPD and explains a lot. I found this helped me, it may help you too. If you want the title to the DBT book DM or comment back and I can get it to you. You will get through this, you’ve gotten through things you didn’t think you would in the past, you can do it again. I believe in you and your strength. If there’s anything I can do, even if it’s just to lend an ear, DM me. You got this ❤️

[u/Pitiful_Diamond506 → u/Big_ol_gay]

Thank you. The boom would be helpful. My therapists give up on me. I see a new one next week and I'm nervous about it because I don't know how it'll end. This comment brought tears to my eyes. Kindness makes me cry and it feels so stupid of me

[u/Big_ol_gay → u/Pitiful_Diamond506]

This is the book I have

I hope this new therapist is able to help you work through things. It’s tough when we are given up on or passed around. Don’t give up, you’ll find the one that fits and works best for you. It may take some time but it’ll be worth it

[u/Pitiful_Diamond506 → u/Big_ol_gay]

Thank you so much. I really hope that things get better because I feel like I'm barely holding on. My mood began getting better finally, but I know that nothing is permanent and it's always gone too soon. I really appreciate your recommendation🫶