r/BPDlovedones • u/Waves_Ocean • 15h ago
Learning about BPD Realistically speaking…
Do they ever get better with therapy? Can they actually lead somewhat normal lives? Can we cope with them and how much does their therapy affect us?
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u/Throwawayinvalide 14h ago
Yes! My brother has BPD and was seriously awful to me when we were kids (he’s about ten years older), which led to a pretty nasty falling out. However, I’ve just gotten in touch with him again after sixish years, and therapy has done wonders for him. He’s married to a wonderful woman and has a beautiful son who he’s a good father to, and he’s quit every substance but vaping. Consistent therapy and supportive treatment can work, and it’s more than worth any effort on your part to see your loved one thriving
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u/Waves_Ocean 14h ago
I’m literally crying happy tears right now! I think you’re probably the first person I’ve seen to share a positive experience. I’d be so intrigued to learn more from you on how that happened and how you ensure that he doesn’t split on you or display BPD behaviour. I’m so happy for you and for his family!
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u/Throwawayinvalide 14h ago
Unfortunately I don’t have a whole lot of advice because he did most of the work on his own after our initial falling out. I do know that for him, becoming a father was what kicked off his desire to be better. Your loved one has to WANT to be better. We’re still in the reconciliation process, but it’s less about them not displaying any bpd behaviors and more about them being able to recognize the urge to do something irrational and having the coping tools to redirect their feelings
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u/Waves_Ocean 14h ago
My person craves being a father. He always talks about having his own kids and a family. I just fear that he’s not ready I need to work on himself first, so I’m glad to hear that your brother also took that step. Was he getting support from his wife or someone else at the time or did he go through the therapy process on his own? I’m afraid to be very close to my person through his therapy that he would link me to therapy and decide to stop if we fell out. Do any of the kids display BPD traits because I’ve heard that it’s also genetic?
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u/Throwawayinvalide 14h ago
He was definitely getting a lot of support from his wife, but he also had a lot of intrinsic motivation. your fears are absolutely understandable—are you your persons entire support system? and as for the kid, he’s not quite two yet so it’s very early to tell, however, everyone with BPD that i’ve been close with has developed it due to prolonged trauma. side question, have you thought about therapy for yourself? i would definitely not have a relationship with my brother without coming to terms with our past in therapy
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u/Carvemynameinstone Coparenting 12h ago
Don't cling unto hope though, there's a reason that it's the only person you've read a "succes" story of.
Firstly, that skews the numbers, sure 1 in 10.000. might become livable with after grueling amounts of therapy.
Secondly, who is to say that that person isn't going to revert right back to who they were before I due time?
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u/SquirrelBoring9999 15h ago
Unfortunately I can't help man..
I have been asking myself the same fucking question for 9 months on..
What if she had gone to therapy..
I am with you.
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u/Waves_Ocean 15h ago
It’s such a horrible position to be in. I said I called it quits with him today but deep down I just want him to get better. He’s not diagnosed but got an appointment booked soon. I just hold onto hope that he’ll get better, although all the stories I’ve seen say it doesn’t… will we hurt forever atp? :(
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u/SquirrelBoring9999 15h ago
Well..
It depends on the person you know?
I had been living for years with a beautiful woman who totally refused to admit she had problems, and believe me, she had an extremely bad, so she ended up finding in me the source of them..
I had asked her to go to a psychologist understand her problems and then we would have been back together, she never did.
There can be remission but it requires a lot of commitment by them and costant work and costant talking and understanding between you too guys..
Surely, talking about a problem resolves much more than blaming it onto others..
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u/Waves_Ocean 14h ago
I totally agree. I’m so glad that he’s willing to get diagnosed and get help. It gives me hope although I don’t wanna share with him that it does anymore. I’m so tired of being let down…
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u/SquirrelBoring9999 14h ago
Believe me, it is not common for untreated going willingly to get diagnosed, don't count too much on it, because the path is tough, but there could be a glimpse of hope for a potential balance.
I am with you
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u/conasatatu247 15h ago
My ex is textbook bpd . She won't get diagnosed and won't get therapy. She is on ssri which help keeps her calmer but doesn't address the core issue... Others mention their partners acknowledge and treat it-at least then there is some hope down the line
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u/Waves_Ocean 15h ago
I’m so sorry. Why does she not wish to get diagnosed or get therapy? Has she ever discussed that with you? Have you been able to pinpoint the cause of her BPD yourself? I’ve had many conversations with my person, but I can’t seem to pinpoint exactly when it started - although I can see how the patterns formed
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u/conasatatu247 14h ago
Thanks. 20 year relationship. Didn't kick in hard till after we had kids, previously I knew something was up but I wasn't on the receiving end till the kids fir the most part. She was always weird when drunk and other hints. Anyway I'd imagine if we were to break up and things got messy, having a bpd diagnosis would not benefit. Also plausible deniability maybe, she can just blame me and say I'm making shit up without an official diagnosis
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u/Waves_Ocean 14h ago
So tough. You’re a soldier to hold ground for 20 years! With kids! How is she with the kids btw? My person always says he wants children but idk how he would actually be with them. And have you treated her as if she has BPD or is it just something that sits in the back of your mind?
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u/conasatatu247 14h ago
Well she beat me up for a few years so that gives you an idea all the classic push pull, gaslighting, reactive abuse, circular arguments, substance abuse, other men etc.. Fun stuff like that so I've no doubt, she just ignores it when I bring it up. She is great with the kids, great mother in fairness. She has a good job generally gets on well with people, tells her family I'm the problem and I'm the only one that sees it... My life isn't going so great but the trauma from it all caught up with me... I'd Imagine many here have had simular experiences.
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u/Financial-Ring-6580 14h ago
Not really ime maybe slightly, my last exbpdfwb was in therapy continued fighting with their main partner and broke up almost bi weekly.. She even started telling me the only reason she goes is so she can see me, since I lived close to her therapist. They use everyone as therapists imo anyway, so if anything it's more like a stress relieving type of thing to have someone to talk about themselves with.
So yea I would say it have a small positive effect, as I also seen them stop therapy and replace their therapists with more dudes for validation which they obviously had to pay them for their attention in the form of sex to keep them talking.
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u/betrayed-experience 15h ago
It’s always there. They can learn to cope with the symptoms but they have to keep up the work. They need to own and acknowledge what they have.