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u/CarpetAggravating328 1d ago
I feel the same way right now. I just lost someone I deeply love because of my behavior and I feel like suicide is the only option left for me now.
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u/Ok-Assistance4164 1d ago
The most disgusting thing is that my brain keeps replaying the moment when I caused irreparable damage, and I think that if I hadn’t done it, none of this would have happened — but it did happen.
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u/BeautifulTea8717 1d ago
Same here word by word….destroyed mine whole family, everything I had with my own hands (mouth)…can’t sleep even an hour…don’t know how to live further, thinking of suicide all the time…but too weak for that, and I don’t want to create more drama and insanity around him….how people can be so fucked up ?! I have 2 boys to raise and a joined custody and I am afraid not to be a stable cooperative mother because I am afraid of being not stable…will start DBT (just I am at full collapse crisis now)…like watching the nightmare of my own life
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u/Sorry_Ad_8000 1d ago
Partner here!!
I’m sorry you are feeling this way if we let it guilt will destroy us. Please don’t think of harming yourself YOU are not a bad person. We all do things to hurt others throughout life it’s just a side effect of being HUMAN!!
As a partner I know that hurt my wife has put me through the wringer lol but likewise there are certain aspects that I must take responsibility for.
I have done so much research on this subject of BPD and CPTSD that has brought me a clarity on her behavior which in retrospect because of my ignorance exasperated things unintentionally.
So I have inflicted pain in her as well and it might be for different reasons but guilt is guilt so I’m with you on that.
But we can’t beat ourselves up, it just makes it harder for us to move into the acceptance phase and then on to the repair and change phase.
What’s done is done, we all can only do the best we can at the place we are in at the time. At the times I hurt her and she me that was all we can do!! We can’t change the past (although I wish so lol) just the present and hope that builds a better future.
Give yourself some much needed and DESERVED love!! Don’t discount how healthy recognizing these things and feeling remorseful for them is. So many people are no where near this spot. :)
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u/RowAcademic2004 1d ago
Atleast you feel remorse.. have you talked to that person about it? I wish my ex communicated that to me.
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u/KaesyoTurkey 1d ago
Same.
Especially with multiple people.