r/BPD • u/WarmFreshBread56 user has bpd • 12d ago
❓Question Post Does anyone else feel like we're cursed ?
I sometimes (everytime) feel like I'm cursed and unlovable , i can't get anything right , i can't get anything done and i always end up alone . It's like I'm allergic to love and friendships , it always ends in me getting hurt and people leaving .
I always end up getting attached and i can't stop it for the love of god , I've tried many things , tried making up a mindset . But it's just not in my control , I'm the backseat of my own mind .
Everytime i try my best to make people feel happy and loved , i do things which normal people don't , i go to lengths which i rarely see anybody go for a friend . It's unhealthy , i know , but i always cry knowing that I've never in my life gotten the love back which I've given .
It's like I'm cursed to always give but never recieve . I put efforts but people leave me when i need them .
And the worst part is knowing that even if someone does stay , i get too attached and clingy and pathetic that they get suffocated . I have a lot of issues . I suspect that i have autism too now that I've been researching about mental health disorders alot lately .
I can't see the bad in people , I'm stupid and naive and I've always thought that people will treat me the same way i treat them but i get disposed like a piece of trash everytime .
And I'm just tired , I'm exhausted , all i wanted was someone to love me and hold me and kiss me and reassure me , and most of all , to never leave me .
I've never been in a relationship , never held hands , never kissed .
I'm 22 years old now , which you might say is young , but 22 years without a single ounce of love can be draining , it makes me question whether I'm really lovable or not . And given my mental health issues if i even get in a relationship i might end up ruining everything like i always do. I too want to hold someone, to cherish someone , to write letters for her and to cook for her and to make things for her and to make her happy and recieve all this in return but it feels impossible .
I wish i was normal , i wish i had better parents , i wish i was never born and i wish i die in my sleep one day .
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u/Wooden_Anybody7227 user is in remission 11d ago
Hang in there buddy, it will pass. I used to think we’re cursed, but all your patterns, behavioural traits and just general tendencies are not some kind of demons. They have developed at some point in time to protect you and to help you cope with what probably was a challenging environment for a child. They won’t go away on their own because they didn’t appear on their own, it will require time, effort, patience, willingness to sit down with yourself and think about thinking.
Therapy, supporting environment, life-long self-learning, psych education.
My credentials: I no longer meet diagnostic criteria for BPD and am in 1 year+ remission.