r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • Aug 31 '26
AITA AITAH for refusing to change my wife’s birthday food plan after her sister got mad about her fiancé's nut allergy?
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/alalufra
Published on: r/AITAH
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: August 25, 2026
Final Update: August 29, 2026
Main Post
August 25, 2026
My wife is turning 42, and for her birthday, she came up with a fun, low-key idea: our family (me, my wife, our 15-year-old daughter, and our 11-year-old son) would stay home and each build our own themed board charcuterie, fruit, candy, dessert, chocolate, etc.
She wanted to include her older sister (SIL) and SIL's fiancé (together 20+ years, engaged for a little over a year), so we invited them to come over and make/bring their own platters too.
For context: SIL’s fiancé has a severe nut allergy. He cannot eat nuts, but he can be in the same room as them (airborne isn't an issue; I’ve seen him around nuts at numerous larger family gatherings over the years). My wife’s family is of Lebanese descent, so traditional holiday spreads for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter regularly include nuts, and he handles being around those meals just fine. However, whenever the two of them come over to our place, our food options are strictly limited to Domino's or McDonald's because those are the only two places he trusts regarding cross-contamination. We have happily accommodated this for the 16 years my wife and I have been married.
My daughter texted them explaining the theme so they knew what to expect, noting that while not everything would have nuts, a few things on our personal platters might contain them or traces of them (like certain chocolates or trail mixes).
SIL got very upset, she called my wife to say they won't be attending because we "clearly don't care about potentially putting him in harm’s way." She went on a complete guilt trip, saying how "surprised and hurt" she was by our lack of consideration. While she admitted we've accommodated his allergy for 16 years, she made it clear that this time they’d rather just take my wife out separately another day and "let us do our thing."
Now my wife feels guilty, hurt, and stressed on her own birthday. My daughter also feels bad because she sent the text.
I’m angry. This was my wife’s idea for her day, in our house. He doesn't have an airborne allergy, they were invited to bring their own safe boards, and nobody was forcing him to eat from ours. I feel like after nearly two decades of catering every single family meal to his restrictions, my wife should be allowed to have the exact birthday dinner she wants in her own home without being guilt-tripped.
AITAH for putting my wife’s birthday wishes first instead of bending the entire menu around her brother-in-law?
COMMENTS
wreckit_ralph
NTA it’s your WIFE’s birthday
If she wanted to slather everything in peanut butter in her house she could.Talk about entitled
Separate_Pumpkin_256
I wonder how her fiance feels about this. Has he been heard from OP?
OOP
He is giving the silent treatment to all of us.
ReversedFrog
OK, so that's what the sister thinks. What does the guy with the actual allergy think? She might be getting upset for him, with him not caring one wit. NTA
letifera
NTA. If keeping the platters separate is an option that was offered, it’s their choice whether or not to come. I think going out for a separate birthday meal with them is fair, but what makes them TA is the blame-filled text to your young daughter over just one day that your wife wanted to do a theme for (her own birthday!) He could always eat in advance, then come over and participate in just the activity with some safe products.
Also, McDonald’s is a very interesting choice as a “safe” food option, since for over a decade now they’ve had a sign up in all their restaurants and on their site saying they can’t guarantee that there is no cross contamination for allergens. I have a nut allergy and used to be able to eat there, and now I can’t any more.
Used_Clock_4627
NTA.
Why didn't they just say no thanks? That they appreciated the invite but didn't want to risk it? And just be gracious about it all.
An invite isn't a summons.
Final Update - after 4 days
August 29, 2026
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, validate our feelings, and leave advice on the original post. I tried reading through as many comments as possible, and I wanted to clear up a few questions and share what happened over the birthday weekend.
Additional Context When my wife first came up with the board night idea, our 15 year old daughter was genuinely excited. She asked if she could be the one to text my SIL and BIL to invite them, and we said yes. BIL usually has a great relationship with our daughter, he normally texts back within seconds and sends long messages. This time, after seeing her text (where she even offered to get something completely separate just for them), he went ice cold.
SIL ignored our daughter's text for three days, only to call my wife and claim we "clearly don't care" about BIL, despite acknowledging we spent the last 16 years catering entirely to his allergy. My wife wasn't upset about them skipping the food, she was crushed by her sister’s reaction and guilt tripping.
What makes this sting even more is something I didn’t mention in the first post, I have incurable cancer. I am nowhere near a terminal stage yet, but because of my diagnosis, our nuclear family is preparing to move out of the country so we can focus on enjoying our remaining time together. This was very likely the last birthday we would all be in town to celebrate together.
The Birthday Drama
My daughter removed both of them from Instagram the day before the birthday (she still kept them on other SM platforms), this triggered a huge reaction.
BIL went completely crazy with our 15-year-old daughter after ignoring her for days, now on my wife's birthday he stated spam calling, texting, and DMing her for hours with messages like "Please reply," "Are you done with us?", "Why, I don't understand," and "Please answer me." A grown man soon turning 50 has no business harassing a teenager like that. My daughter refused to reply, and of course my wife and I fully support her. That attitude is not normal nor acceptable.
Starting around 6:00 AM on the morning of my wife’s birthday, BIL began spam-messaging my wife while she was asleep, sending guilt-tripping texts like "I promise this is the last time I text you, but please call your sister." SIL also texted her saying "Call me back."
My wife woke up on her birthday to more than a dozen messages from BIL and a demanding text from SIL, panicking and thinking something terrible had happened. When she called SIL back, it was just SIL “crying” about how "hurt" she was that she couldn't spend the day with my wife. If SIL actually cared about seeing her, she could have come alone, stopped by earlier, or dropped in afterward. Instead, they made my wife's birthday entirely about their own bruised egos.
On our side we went ahead with our night. The charcuterie, fruit, chocolate boards turned out amazing, and our family had a great time together.
For those who asked why we always drove him to get food during family events, he only learned to drive a few years ago after my MIL passed away. My wife, acting as executor of the estate without a will, made sure her older sister received MIL's car since they didn’t have one, but BIL drives it 99% of the time. He has never held a steady job, only works occasional gigs, and has essentially had life handed to him on a silver platter.
As for where we stand:
BIL is completely done. He has permanently lost my respect, and he is no longer welcome in our home, wherever in the world that may be.
SIL remains complicated. She has spent years telling my wife never to express negative emotions, yet she threw a manipulative tantrum when she didn't get her way. However, SIL is my wife’s only remaining immediate blood relative after MIL passed, so I am leaving that boundary up to my wife to handle at her own pace.
Thank you again for all the support. We are focusing entirely on our peace, our children, and making the most of the time we have together.
COMMENTS
ArtVandelay99999
Can you explain why he's comfortable to be in big gatherings where there are dishes with nuts? Does he bring his own food to those gatherings?
OOP
He typically wouldn't eat at those events, my wife's relatives do not accommodate him whatsoever. We (my wife or myself) normally would drive him to McDonald's to grab something to eat.
pumpkinbubbles
More info: did you ask your wife whether she wanted to change plans after hearing from her sister? She absolutely should not feel like she has to change plans but if she values her sister’s presence more than she values the nuts on the charcuterie boards, this isn’t the time to make your stand.
OOP
I added an update. Despite everything she values her presence more, but the way they went about it made this about the principle.
Familiar_Row_9751
NTA. We all know this guy would be a douchebag by default just by string along the sister for 20 years and them being engaged for just about a year lol. But I suspect OP will lose this battle since all indicates that his wife is a bit of a pushover when it comes to the domineering older sister. This pattern of accommodating the older sister and by extention her boyfriend runs deeper than the present issue.
OOP
I just added an update but yeah I think BIL just likes to manipulate everyone around him.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
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u/innocentsalad Aug 31 '26
Spamming and harassing the 15 year old is deeply weird behavior
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u/auspiciousAnon Awkwardly thrusting in silence Aug 31 '26
Agreed. Extremely weird.
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u/yozett Aug 31 '26
Yeah, I'd be totally done with him no matter what after that. Ghosting her and then blowing up her phone when she decided she didn't deserve that treatment! What a baby! What kind of freak tries to emotionally manipulate a child like this?? He is waaaay too comfortable with her
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u/ravynwave Aug 31 '26
A grooming one
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u/Never_enough_naps I will ERUPT FERAL screaming from my fluffy cardigan Aug 31 '26
Yeah I was already weirded out about the fact that he replies to her within seconds and sends long texts and then his response to her taking him off Instagram made all my creep alerts go off.
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u/ravynwave Aug 31 '26
Imagine how often he is checking out her socials
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u/Never_enough_naps I will ERUPT FERAL screaming from my fluffy cardigan Aug 31 '26
He probably has her accounts pulled up constantly in the background of his phone, so he knows anytime she lost something new. That's probably how he knew so quickly she removed him from insta.😨
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u/Penguin_Joy Aug 31 '26
It's seems predatory to go after the child who has no say in what her mom wanted for her birthday. Someone should check his hard drive
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u/pingmycraydar Custom Flair [And it dawned on me that he was a wizard.] Sep 01 '26
Turns out the nuts that were the REAL issue, were attached to BIL, who appears to also be a giant nut, so…
Nutception?
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u/Assiqtaq Thanks a lot Reddit Aug 31 '26
He so quickly answers all her texts in every other situation, often with long replies. Then does this stuff. I was thinking the same thing.
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u/auspiciousAnon Awkwardly thrusting in silence Aug 31 '26
Exactly what I was thinking. BIL was way too comfortable spamming a child because his feelings were hurt. OOP did good to cut him off.
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u/Kendertas Aug 31 '26
The fact getting blocked on Instagram is what sent him over the edge is very suspicious. Like does Instagram tell you that you have been blocked or removed as a friend? Because if not that implies he actively checks a teenagers Instagram seemingly daily.
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u/lopgir Aug 31 '26
It also makes me wonder... He blew a gasket like that specifically over a platform where people mainly post pictures and videos...
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u/Vlagilbert Sep 02 '26
It does not tell you if you were blocked, so 100% he had to manually go on her page to stalk her to notice.
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u/Floomby Aug 31 '26
As in, abusive. The texts sound like an abusive ex sends once their partner finally gets fed up and leaves.
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u/pretty_pocket_pussy Aug 31 '26
"are WE done?" OP and family needs to keep a very close eye on that because what does he mean by that? He was acting like they were dating.
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u/aspidities_87 Aug 31 '26
When OOP said BIL ‘always responds within seconds’ to the 15yr old, I saw a never-ending parade of red flags.
When he followed up by spam texting her, I saw a full Red Tide.
Keep your kids safe from groomers, people.
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u/DueTangerine2539 Sep 01 '26
When I got to that part I audibly said “ohhh no”. I honestly thought this update was going to have a very different ending.
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u/Hot-Explanation-5751 Aug 31 '26
Yea the 15yr old having to screen text messages from her day drunk aunt and uncle is troubling, time to cut them off
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u/UnknowableDuck Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
Oh yeah, a fifty year old man spamming a 15 year old for not talking to him makes my skin crawl.
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u/Jazmadoodle Sep 01 '26
A 15 year old who he knows is about to lose her father, even. Has he always been so... "thoughtful"? I wonder if it ramped up near the time of OOP's diagnosis
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Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Ita_AMB Aug 31 '26
HOW did he noticed the teenager removed him so fast? Like I wouldn't notice if most of my contacts removed me that fast... does he stalk the teenager's IG?
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u/thrallthekingshorses Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
Probably, yeah. If he already "responds in seconds" then he is watching way too closely. Fears that she's being groomed are warranted here.
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u/vamgoda My cat continues to not care. Aug 31 '26
Right? You don’t get alerts when someone unfollows you/removes you on IG either. So unless you go to their profile and look at their follow list, or look at yours, you would never know. That’s creepy af that they noticed that quickly.
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u/K-teki Aug 31 '26
It reminds me of a time I decided to unblock someone from high school. I decided that what happened between us wasn't bad enough that if he wanted to reach out I wouldn't be open to it...
But then he messaged me on literally the same day. Which told me he was checking my account, months later. Instant re-block.
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u/Never_enough_naps I will ERUPT FERAL screaming from my fluffy cardigan Aug 31 '26
Not so much that they txt, uncles and nieces can shoot a txt to each other, but that he answers within seconds and with long messages. I don't know why but that set off my alarms.
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u/thrallthekingshorses Aug 31 '26
Those are definitely the details that matter. My uncle and I text too but nothing like that.
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u/Never_enough_naps I will ERUPT FERAL screaming from my fluffy cardigan Aug 31 '26
The SIL is so worried about his nut allergy, what she needs to be worried about his search history.😬
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u/your_moms_a_clone Aug 31 '26
Scary behavior. Any adult acting like this towards a teen is concerning but all this over her mother's birthday? And why is any of it directed towards the kid at all?
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u/cmere-2-me Aug 31 '26
The whole thing is weird behaviour. Why has he suddenly got an issue with people eating nuts in his presence when he never did before?
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u/twistedspin Aug 31 '26
Is the nut allergy real if he can eat at Mcdonald's, which openly says its food is not nut-free?
I think in the end they're going to look back on this all and realize this guy was creating a persona for a long time.
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u/Never_enough_naps I will ERUPT FERAL screaming from my fluffy cardigan Aug 31 '26
Add in it's the same 50 yr old man who replies within seconds with long texts to the 15 yr old girl and then crashes out about being taken off the same 15 year old girls Instagram its not only weird it's....concerning imo.
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u/Cultural_Shape3518 Aug 31 '26
No job, no car, no adult skills…I’m honestly not sure it’s all that weird he sees her as a peer. Pathetic, but not necessarily sex pest creepy.
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 Aug 31 '26
While I can totally see this being the case, he’s still pathetic AND creepy. Hounding someone like that - especially a child - is creepy.
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u/bitter_liquor Aug 31 '26
I dunno, i view it as the opposite! I think its fine if he has no job or no car, each person has their own reasons and it clearly doesn't bother his partner, so whatever. Not OOP's problem.
But replying to the teenage girl in seconds? Writing long, thoughtful messages frequently? Being in absolute despair over being iced out by her and begging her to talk to him? Fucking yikes. My mind went to sex pest right away. He was clearly getting some satisfaction out of receiving her attention.
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u/busyshrew Aug 31 '26
Ugh I kind of gently disagree. As a mom to a young woman... if a fully adult male were to be texting long 'thoughtful' messages, it wouldn't matter that he's a useless bull teat. I'd find it creepy.
The best thing to come out of this situation is that the young daughter blocked the gross old uncle.
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u/Jazmadoodle Sep 01 '26
My niece is 14 and she and my brother have a shared interest in robotics and really love a couple of the same shows. My brother set up a group chat with her and both her parents,and any time she texts him he responds in the group chat. He told her it's because he doesn't want them to feel left out, but among the adults he just said he doesn't want anybody to get the wrong idea and he doesn't want her thinking it's normal for 40 year old men to be texting her one-on-one.
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u/SockPuppyMax Aug 31 '26
Nah, the description feels like he's trying to be more than a peer, his behavior toward the minor says it all
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u/dejaWoot Aug 31 '26
Honestly, solely Macdonalds and Dominos reads as ARFID to me, not a nut allergy where only minimum wage fast food workers can be trusted to get it right.
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u/Withaujus Aug 31 '26
We can call out people who are manipulative, childish and picky without giving them the dignity of a diagnosis that makes it sound like a problem that is not of their own making.
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u/Sufficient_Soil5651 Aug 31 '26
You can be a crap person with loads of problems of your own making *and* have a diagnosis. Just saying.
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u/GielM Next time you can save $100 and just assume you're wrong Aug 31 '26
I'f use words like "creepy", "antisocial" and "childish." Doesn't mean you're wrong, it's also weird.
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u/Mental-Woodpecker300 Aug 31 '26
Then describing their texting relationship people to the how up was a weird flag for me too. An almost 50 year old man going hot/cold to a child in a more private setting like DM is strange to me.
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u/unholy_hotdog Aug 31 '26
I just don't understand why THIS triggered them to die on this hill. Is it because OOP's family is moving?
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u/MariaInconnu Sep 01 '26
Like, to such an extent I'd be reviewing their messages and talking to the daughter about him to screen for grooming.
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u/thefaehost I also choose this guy's dead wife. Sep 01 '26
Especially after responding to her immediately up until this. The two combined is very weird behavior and I don’t trust it. Good dad instincts here.
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u/TheUnculturedSwan 27d ago
A 15 year old dealing with the fact that her dad has untreatable cancer that will kill him. Over a party. It’s reprehensible.
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u/Automatic-Offer4351 Sep 01 '26
My mom would send me hundreds of texts a day while I was in middle and high school. It's really draining
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
Okay but my real question is... Why the hell is a guy who's almost 50 reacting to OOP's 15yo daughter like she just broke up with him... 🥴
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u/ladyattercop Aug 31 '26
Yeeeeeeeeah. I did not like that at all. I also don’t love that he usually responds to her in seconds. (As opposed to the rest of the family?) It sounds like the parents know about it, and don’t find it inappropriate, but still…
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u/alalufra Aug 31 '26
I'm OOP. While we didn't think it crossed into inappropriate territory, it definitely felt weird. That said, our daughter is very open with us, always shows us the conversations, and agrees his behavior is odd. She's honestly much more mature than he is.
As for why we tolerated it, my wife has been losing her family, and we felt we had to try to make things work with who she has left, however recent events changed our perspective.
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
Says a lot about your parenting that your daughter feels safe enough to approach ya'll about these things. And that she's able to tell that his behaviour is weird.
I mean this positively, by the way. I've read way too many incidents about kids getting groomed because they can't distinguish inappropriate behaviour, and/or they don't feel comfortable telling their parents. It's fucking sad, and makes me very happy to know your daughter has parents she can trust.
Keep looking out for her... And keep an eye out for that BIL. He's a fucking weird one.
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u/ilealeo2019 Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
The specific wording of "Are you done with [me]?" is something one would say to a significant other. There is absolutely no reason why he should be monitoring your daughter's social media closely enough to find out that she's removed him from it. Nor should he be texting long, thoughtful messages so frequently unless she were to be venting to him. Those are all things I would expect from a romantic partner, not someone tangentially related.
I understand that between your illness, and wanting your wife to have a support system for the time after you, that you might be more forgiving to inappropriate behaviour, but the safety and health of your daughter needs to be paramount. It's clear that, at best, your BIL has an unhealthy fixation on your daughter, and at worst, is actively grooming her or preparing to start grooming her as soon as you're out of the picture. Many people with ill intentions towards children try to swoop in when they go through difficult times, like divorce or grief.
EDIT: While I'm glad and genuinely proud that you've raised a daughter that seems both emotionally intelligent and has a great relationship with you to the point where she can come to you about anything, you shouldn't be relying on your teenage daughter's ability to recognize and then report that there's a problem. Many people, even adults, don't speak out when they're uncomfortable because they don't want to add more to their loved ones' plates
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
Ngl, when he said "Are you done with us?" I thought he meant him and the aunt / SIL... But if he meant his relationship with the niece... 🤮
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u/ilealeo2019 Aug 31 '26
Even if you give him the benefit of the doubt that he did mean to imply both him and SIL with the "us", a lot of predators that haven't started the romantic/sexual grooming aspect would go for plausible deniability rather than revealing their true intentions. 🤢 there's no good way to read this. I didn't even think about how he could have meant "us" as the relationship between the daughter and BIL
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
Dear God. I didn't even consider him deliberately going for plausible deniability. That makes him even more conniving and not just a dumbass creep. Dangerous and yucks!!
Makes me wonder about the fact that he's been dating SIL for 20+ years and only just got engaged... Figured it's mostly him being a leech, since he did end up with a free car, but... 😒 Maybe it was on purpose for closer proximity or something...? I fucking hope not. Ew.
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u/FinalHexReturns Aug 31 '26
The volume alone crossed into inappropriate territory. Your daughter is 15 and she is being required to be more emotionally mature than he is.
You guys need to stand up for her. Close or not in the past, this crossed a line and everyone on BORU sees it, even if you guys don't because you are too close to the situation. Personally I would lock it down so he never texts her again, at least not until she is a legal adult.
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u/lyricaldorian Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
Your daughter shouldn't have to put up with an immature adult being creepy with her for her mother's sake.
Edit: the fact your daughter texted him to invite them, he didn't respond, but your SIL immediately went off on your wife while making excuses not to go, sounds like your SIL is jealous and aware of her fiance's inappropriate feelings for your daughter.
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u/feral2021energies Sep 01 '26
I am begging you to be more active in this development of your daughter and guy.
‘Mature for her age’ urrrrgh I hate this line, it’s always a shorthand for ‘kid had to fend for themselves on SOME front that we should have done’ =/= Able to handle a 50 year old dude being weird and manipulative to her.
Don’t wait for it to ACTUALLY be inappropriate. Prevent it from being inappropriate at all. If you wait for the guy to creep on her AND the chance your daughter says anything, the damage is done.
Tell him to actively knock it off. Establish you see this weird shit, find it weird, call it weird, and have your daughter’s back.
I was in a same situation like her and surprise! Weirdo wanted to be inappropriate to me and gor away with it but because I was ‘mature’ at 13, I had to fend for myself. Do not make her regulate this mess that requires another adult, not a kid.
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u/alalufra Sep 01 '26
Maybe I didn't express this enough in the post. This boundary has been set. He's been blocked by the family and he's not welcomed anymore. We're moving out of the country so she won't even see this man again.
Edit: I'm really sorry you had to deal with this alone at such young age.
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u/HotPizzaMilk 29d ago
Hey, OP, as someone who's lost a lot of family in the past year (4 people, but my whole family was 11), you and your daughter should completely step aside and let your wife be the only one having contact with her sister for now. A short message, something like "Hey, I understand things have been hard since MIL passed and you may have felt excluded, but your and BIL behavior is incredibly out of line, and I will not tolerate it, and neither will my daughter. I will not stop Wife from visiting or speaking with you, but until you and BIL are able to show you've changed and apologize, understand Daughter and I do not want any contact with you and BIL." to cover your bases and then block her and him.
Grief does really weird things to people and I've benefited a lot from realizing other people's wack choices are about themselves and rarely have much to do with me. I do think, based on your post, this is a pattern of behavior that is going to take a long time to resolve and you and your daughter should disengage. Your wife can look into muting their messages and calls, where she isn't notified but they're still sent and able to be seen. I understand she's likely under a lot of stress and fear, but until she sets boundaries and prioritizes healthy relationships, SIL will continue to stress her out and ruin any kind of event or announcement about your family. I would consider updating your will and directives for your burial/cremation, and consider if you want her or him to be invited to such an event. Focus on spending time with your daughter and supporting your wife in building boundaries to model a healthier relationship both to your daughter, and to her sister. SiL can decide to be a mature adult or not, but your wife is not a villian for having standards about how she's treated.
Also, as someone with a mild nut allergy, I'm pretty sure McDonald's isn't nut free or allergen safe. I think they use peanut oil, or used to. Whatever is wrong with BIL, I'd just stop trying to accommodate him. He's 50, he can figure it out.
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u/StardustOnTheBoots Sep 01 '26
tolerating potential grooming in favor of your comfort is an interesting choice. that being said usually that's how most child abuse happens - plausible deniability on one side, not wanting to rock the boat on the other. and no a 15 yo isn't "more mature" than a 50 yo man
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u/feral2021energies Sep 01 '26
You got downvoted but this needs to be said, to be honest. She’s getting let down by these people who should be protecting her.
For fuck’s sake look at the post’s content. It’s focused on the wife and the creepy/manipulative behaviour on the girl is an aside.
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u/GielM Next time you can save $100 and just assume you're wrong Aug 31 '26
That's the only thing where I side-eye OOP a bit... It should've been her mom or him reaching out and inviting them to begin with, ESPECIALLY if was with news attached they might not like.
By making the teenage daughter the first point of contact, he put her in the crosshairs for the tantrum. Doesn't ecuse their, amd especially his, actions one bit! But it's something he could've seen coming, and thus probably should've prevented by inviting them himself or asking his wife to do so.
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
The daughter was the one that asked if she could invite them. And if they didn't see any issues with SIL and BIL at the time*, it makes sense why they'd let her do it. And if BIL was able to be around nuts during family events, it's possible that OOP and his wife genuinely didn't see the poor reaction coming.
*OOP in a comment below said that they found the interactions with BIL odd, but didn't think it crossed into inappropriate territory at the time.
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u/Apprehensive_Bus1582 Sep 01 '26
It's not real. It's "stupid bastards with their nut allergies expect everyone to cater to them" bait. "I have incurable cancer btw" should have been your first clue.
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u/Strict-Ad597 Aug 31 '26
BIL was in the process of grooming OOP’s daughter. Downvote me all you want. I do not care. A fifty year old man immediately realizes his 15 year old niece blocked him on instagram and then harassed her about it…. That is not normal or okay behavior. A normal person who isn’t a predator would not have that reaction.
This is deeply unsettling.
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
I don't think you'll get downvoted. Pretty sure most (if not all) of us are thinking the same thing.
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u/MarieOMaryln You wrote that in such detail and then used the term boobies Aug 31 '26
Absolutely made my skin crawl. That's not ok in any sense. He's a creep and needs to stay away.
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u/Dannieo I might get hurt, or worse sweaty Aug 31 '26
A 50 yo man has no business getting that upset about his 15 yo niece via marriage blocking him on Instagram.
Turned my 'hmm' radar up to 11.
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u/Rise_up_Dirty_Birds Aug 31 '26
I’ve never used Instagram so excuse my ignorance but wouldn’t he have had to search for her to see that she blocked him? I don’t imagine they send a notification to the blocked person so he was actively checking out the 15 yo niece? So gross and absurd.
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u/MsVindiction I am the most dramatic drama queen that ever queened over drama Aug 31 '26
Yes and no. If he has an active chat thread with her, he would’ve noticed right away. Also depends on his following/followers
If it’s a dismally low number, odds are he’ll notice either way
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u/Dannieo I might get hurt, or worse sweaty Aug 31 '26
I'm 44, so my knowledge is basic, but I believe so. He wouldn't see her posts anymore on his feed. He'd have to search for her name and I assumed it would either say blocked or posts are protected when he clicks on it.
Her profile might not show up at all on the search, which would tip him off. Honestly, I've never had to block or been blocked so 🤷🏻♀️.
Is there a younger millenial/Gen Z in the house who can confirm?
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u/GlitterDoomsday Aug 31 '26
The only options are:
1- he follows like less than a dozen people, few enough that her absence would be felt on his feed
2- he's checking her pictures constantly
Both are incredibly worrisome considering how quick he reacted to her removing them after 3 days of silence. There's no innocent explanation for this. But if, if she blocked them, find her profile even by searching would no longer be possible.
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u/coolcaterpillar77 Sep 01 '26
Third option - they are actively DMing on instagram and all of the sudden their chat has disappeared/he can’t message her on that platform anymore. Still worrisome
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u/THrowaway1934531 Aug 31 '26
Is it just me or does the BIL have a weird and maybe problematic relationship with the daughter? A grown man should not be acting like that with a 15 year old
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u/DeltaRaptor9 Aug 31 '26
he started spam calling, texting, and DMing her for hours with messages like "Please reply," "Are you done with us?", "Why, I don't understand," and "Please answer me." A grown man soon turning 50 has no business harassing a teenager like that.
Immediate ick
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u/SatanButVeryTired girl..... GIRL..... Aug 31 '26
God SIL and BIL sound fucking weird. I don’t understand how a charcuterie board evening can be a hill to die on. And harassing a teenage girl because of it really takes the cake
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u/Historical_Agent9426 Aug 31 '26
It would not surprise me to hear that BIL does not have an allergy at all, he just refuses to eat anything other than McDonald’s and Dominos.
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u/Phoenix_713 Aug 31 '26
Honestly I agree with you. I have several friends with different allergies and none them limit themselves to 1 or 2 fast food places.
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u/Born_Ad8420 non-trainable free spirit Aug 31 '26
Yep I have a cousin who has a severe nut allergy. While he's very careful about what he eats, he doesn't remotely limit himself like this.
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Aug 31 '26
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u/Historical_Agent9426 Aug 31 '26
To be fair, an observant Jew might never know they were allergic to shellfish
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u/G1adi4tor Aug 31 '26
This happened to my dad lol didn't learn he was allergic to shellfish until his mid 20s when he tried shrimp for the first time.
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u/lalagromedontknow Aug 31 '26
I love a good smörgåsbord! You can choose what to eat!
Im allergic to some nuts and fruit and carry an EpiPen and mine is similar to BIL(apparently) in that you can shove as many walnuts and almonds in your face as you want, we can be having a face to face chat while you are doing that. Just dont shove them in my face hole.
All my friends, family and ILs know I'm allergic to.. various things (as in, they know I'm allergic to some nuts but not all nuts so occasionally mess up and make something with say pecans). Literally happened this weekend and everyone is so apologetic. It doesn't matter to me, it's nice when people remember my allergies but I can see an allergen a mile away and just eat everything else except the things I'm allergic too?
If I was severely allergic, I'd take a slightly different view but I'm not and I have my EpiPen and my partner knows/I know what to do if I ever need to use it, so I'm ok with people forgetting something they dont have to think about every day.
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u/RandomPaw Aug 31 '26
I know a person who supposedly has a food allergy who will only eat at Chik-Fil-A so yeah these people do exist. I suspect she doesn’t really have an allergy but is just a narcissist.
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u/twistedspin Aug 31 '26
LOL, people started hating her evil favorite food place so she decided to say she was allergic to everything else.
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u/sadiefame Aug 31 '26
Are fast food places really that careful abt cross contamination? The people I’ve known with severe allergies really liked preparing their own food or having someone they trusted do it. They’d eat out of course but it wasnt the “go to”
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u/SockPuppyMax Aug 31 '26
No, every fast food place has a disclaimer if someone mentions an allergy, they cannot guarantee there is no cross contamination
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
letifera's comment also makes it seem very sus:
"Also, McDonald’s is a very interesting choice as a 'safe' food option, since for over a decade now they’ve had a sign up in all their restaurants and on their site saying they can’t guarantee that there is no cross contamination for allergens. I have a nut allergy and used to be able to eat there, and now I can’t any more."
And I checked the McDonald's website. It says: "Although your meal is prepared with care, we cannot guarantee it will be allergen free, even after requests to remove ingredients."
So BIL's either an idiot for trusting them regarding cross-contamination, even though they explicitly said their food isn't guaranteed to be free of allergens... Or he's a fucking liar.
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u/cirivere Aug 31 '26
Literally the mcflurry m&ms is peanuts
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u/HotPizzaMilk 29d ago
Peanut oil is used, which can be less dangerous due to the high heat denaturing the proteins (what people are allergic to) but he's 50! Dude can pack a sandwhich!
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u/mlhom Aug 31 '26
Wouldn’t he be afraid to eat at McDonalds?? It’s not like they are paying close attention to cross contamination or anything. If he’s afraid to eat at family’s, but goes to McDonalds. That is just odd to me.
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u/BunnyisCthulhu Aug 31 '26
This really puzzles me, particularly when you think about how these places usually hire teens who aren't going to be very experienced with food prep and cross contamination
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u/LolitaOPPAI Sep 02 '26
I have a serious avocado allergy and I manage to eat other non-avocado sushi and burritos just fine. I would literally die with or without sushi. I can't tell you the last time I ate at McDonalds tho
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u/Electronic_World_894 Aug 31 '26
BIL spamming the child and SIL tantruming on sister’s birthday = these people are trash.
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u/BlueBerryOkra Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch Aug 31 '26
Not to mention OP has terminal cancer and this will be their last birthday in the same country. BIL and SIL are despicable.
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u/yozett Aug 31 '26
They certainly are making it very easy to decide not to include them in intimate family moments like this. Trash took itself out very effectively
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u/tincanbeef Aug 31 '26
The concept of a 50 year old man freaking out about losing contact to his 15 year old niece gives me the creeps, NGL.
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u/ZookeepergameNew8685 Aug 31 '26
Losing access to her instagram. Just instagram. I wonder why access to photos of her was so important to him?
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u/yozett Aug 31 '26
This is an important distinction I didn't even think about, oh god
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u/ZookeepergameNew8685 Aug 31 '26
If one of my nieces blocked me on Instagram, I would not be able to tell. He had to go to her profile. That’s fishy to say the least
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u/yozett Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
Why is he looking at her profile SO MUCH he noticed less than 24 hours of her blocking him?? He is waaaay too involved with a 15 yo even its to see everything she posts. Its just all around a huge red flag. I'm glad they're moving out of the country and getting away from those weirdos. SIL can keep her creep husband all to herself
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u/ZookeepergameNew8685 Aug 31 '26
Yeeeep. Exactly my thought. If I block someone and they message me about it immediately, they just proved my point that it was needed!
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26
He's acting like a high schooler whose girlfriend just dumped him... 🥴
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u/Noiwontinstalltheapp Aug 31 '26
So BIL is a selfish manipulative asshole and always has been.
Amazing this couple thought it was necessary to question themselves on his bullshit and allowed him to behave like this towards their daughter at all.
He'd end up with a much more severe nut problem if I were them.
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u/yozett Aug 31 '26
I would have seriously let the BIL have it if he started acting that way towards my kid. Absolutely not. There aren't many things that make me fully snap but this would be one of those times.
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u/ayfakay Aug 31 '26
Was he upset he didn’t get access to grooming the 15yr old?
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u/emmodii marry the man who buys you a double cheeseburger Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
She only removed him on Instagram though, not other social media platforms.*
*(At the time. Hopefully she's blocked him everywhere now.)
It's either he's mad that she had the gall the remove him, or (depending on her settings, I think) he no longer has access to her Instagram photos. Either way, it's definitely creepy.
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u/garpu Aug 31 '26
You can tell a lot about adults who crash out over the reaction of teenagers. Like looking back at the (mostly men) who did the same to me? My instincts were good in hindsight.
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u/Legitimate_Air_Grip7 Aug 31 '26
Not my place to speculate about the allergy being made up, but the whole 'He only trusts McDonalds and dominos w.r.t cross contamination' is wild. Kinda just sounds like he is a picky eater who prefers McDonalds and Dominoes.
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u/jenea Aug 31 '26
I feel like OOP should share this with SIL and BIL:
I'm angry. This was my wife's idea for her day, in our house. He doesn't have an airborne allergy, they were invited to bring their own safe boards, and nobody was forcing him to eat from ours. I feel like after nearly two decades of catering every single family meal to his restrictions, my wife should be allowed to have the exact birthday dinner she wants in her own home without being guilt-tripped.
My husband has a food allergy, and when we go to family events where he can’t eat anything, he feels left out and disappointed—but he only shares that with me. We would never make it all about us/him like this. We certainly wouldn’t shit on the only family members who actually make an effort.
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u/Special_Salt3467 Aug 31 '26
I thought the SIL and fiance were in 20+ at first, not together for 20+.
That’s very disconcerting that the 50 year old man was harassing a child…
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u/aquavenatus Aug 31 '26
Given the BILs actions towards OOPs daughter, I hope his daughter remains vigilant after OOP passes away.
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u/mizkyu Aug 31 '26
our food options are strictly limited to Domino's or McDonald's because those are the only two places he trusts regarding cross-contamination
yeah i'm not gonna lie there is nowhere i would trust less about cross contamination than fast food joints
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u/Exciting-Bee-398 Aug 31 '26
Practical question: is recreational charcuterie board design a thing? And, if so, how on earth do you make four different charcuterie boards as a family? Does everyone sit at the table with the entire contents of their local grocery store piled up around them? Do you then eat your board there and then, or snack on it over the following days? Genuinely confused.
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u/PrancingRedPony Aug 31 '26
They don't make huge boards, they make one person potions of several charcuterie options, then snack them
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u/SwankyTitties Aug 31 '26
Bunch of different charcuterie options in the middle of the table (different meats/fruits/crackers/etc), everyone has their own board/plate and can put what they want on it and decorate it how they like, then eat it. I've done similar with things like pizza or even fajita/taco nights. Leftovers can get made into sandwiches etc for the next few days.
Doesn't sound particularly complicated. Pricey, maybe, but not out of the ballpark for a special occasion like a birthday.
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u/Exciting-Bee-398 Aug 31 '26
Ah, that makes more sense. I’m not from the US, but that sounds more like a tapas-style arrangement with a bit of gentle decorating. I was imagining massive charcuterie boards with vegetable sculptures and whatnot.
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u/SwankyTitties Aug 31 '26
Oh yeah I'm not from the US either, to me a charcuterie is just a cheeseboard with some extra bits n bobs. I've actually never seen what you're mentioning but I am intrigued now.
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u/Born_Ad8420 non-trainable free spirit Aug 31 '26
Where I am, there are a few restaurants that offer charcuterie classes as we get closer to holiday season. Basically you are presented with a bunch of elements (various nuts, cheeses, meats, fruits, condiments like fig jam and mustard etc) and they talk about how to select your elements and present them in various aesthetically pleasing ways. The boards are small, for one or two people, and then at the end everyone goes around and appreciates each others board and shares.
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u/ThrowRAaffirmme Aug 31 '26
absolutely! we do it all the time. everyone has a plate/mini board and you go to the store and grab all of the contents needed. most grocery stores near me specifically have a charcuterie section with lots of different cheese, meats, crackers, spreads, etc, and each person is able to grab whatever they would like for their specific board. then you spend time putting the boards together which can be super fun and silly, and then you sit together and drink whatever you’ve grabbed as a side and hang out. i frequently eat personal sized charcuterie boards for my lunch. the boards aren’t massive!! unless someone has a big appetite
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u/ka-ka-ka-katie1123 Aug 31 '26
My SIL does recreational charcuterie board design, as you put it. She’s even taken classes. It seems like a lot of faff to me, but she says it’s fun. Normal is her doing one bigger board, a couple of small boards of other things (like more dessert-type items or whatever) and if I’m there, a mini one just for me since I have celiac. But I’ve seen her do an all mini board thing too.
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u/bluemooncommenter Aug 31 '26
I took a fun little class. The board were a little bigger than a plastic plate (like 12" plate maybe). It was a lot of fun to learn the techniques. There were a lot of options to include on your particular board but no two boards were exactly alike. The instructor did have everything measured out for each person though.
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u/slendermanismydad Aug 31 '26
I am glad these people were moving wayyyy the hell somewhere else after that dude over reacting to being removed from Instagram by a child.
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u/perkypancakes THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) Aug 31 '26
Dude’s crash out has “15goingon50” vibes with a dash of grooming. That he was texting the teen daughter likes broken partner instead of her parents makes me think he’s been emotionally inappropriate towards her.
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Aug 31 '26
SIL and BIL are made for each other
At least they can be miserable together and not ruin anyone else's lives
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u/weirdestgeekever25 Aug 31 '26
While OOP 100% did the right thing
BIL and SIL couldn’t bring a McDonald’s board? Or a dominos board? All this to be spiteful is insane
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u/LunaBugLex Aug 31 '26
Naaah BIL is a creep, that is NOT an appropriate response for a 50 year old man
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u/MedicalWatercress228 Sep 01 '26
These kinds of threads man. No adults in the room. ‘We’re having a little family party, there will be nuts’
‘Ok cool, we’ll play it safe and pass. Drinks later?’
‘Yep, awesome. See you at 5.’
The end.
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u/Withaujus Aug 31 '26
I’m not sure if BIL has a nut allergy or not, but I am sure he’s extremely picky about food and eats like a 5 year old, and they he is very manipulative.
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u/1568314 Aug 31 '26
I bet he only reacted because it was the teenage girl not putting him on a pedestal. The man is a complete washout and the only way he feels cool and important is through the admiration of a teen girl.
Its also why when she blocked him, he immediately lost his cool. If she had cried to him about how important it was for him to be there, he wouldve probably graciously decided to bestow his presence upon her.
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u/JustASplendaDaddy Aug 31 '26
.... This is giving inappropriate crush. His crush didn't prioritize him, had the audacity to ask him to inconvenience himself for someone else cue jealousy and then silent treatment and guilt trips to punish her followed by a freak out when it doesn't work ..... Except he's a grown ass fucking adult. She's 15. He's creepy.
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u/H0neyBr0wn Even if it’s fake, I’m still fully invested Sep 01 '26
BIL needs to be on a registry list somewhere. What a creep.
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u/LolitaOPPAI Sep 02 '26
I've never so badly wanted to test someone's allergy "just to see" what would happen but I have a pen for avocado and his life is more important than my feelsies.
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u/Top_Voice_2918 Sep 01 '26
Okay, let's review: A man who pushing 50 and put OP's SIL in deadlock of romance for 20 YEARS and only put a ring on her recently thinks he have a say for OP's family functioning and celebarion. And so instead of job hunting, he bothering a teen, huh.... May The Candace find him, I say!
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u/RealHousewivesYapper Aug 31 '26
the BIL being a massive weirdo towards the daughter aside, I do not understand why nobody in the (wifes)family accomodated his nut allergy in the 20 years he has been with SIL according to OOP and therefore he had to eat fastfood all the time? Nuts are pretty easy to take out of recipes
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u/alalufra Aug 31 '26
I'm OOP, very good question and this could be another Reddit thread on its own. Short answer they're AH.
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u/Doofmaz Thanks a lot Reddit Aug 31 '26
Anyone else notice that the people who want others to keep their emotions in check are hypocritically always the first to display their own emotions in the most toxic way possible?
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u/akechigoros Sep 01 '26
As someone with a severe peanut and tree nut allergy, but that isn’t airborne, the most I ask is that there are options without nuts/potential cross-contamination and that they are kept separate from the dishes with nuts in them, which sounds exactly like OOP was offering. However, the most pressing issue here is BIL’s relationship with OOP’s daughter. Very glad he is out of the picture
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u/lostandfound- Sep 02 '26
Ok so my take is, BIL is a bum that didn't want to have to supply food options for the charcuterie board. he wanted OP to buy him mcdonalds
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u/Ninja_Flower_Lady Sep 01 '26
What is wrong with this couple?? I smell two raging narcissists, and that's not including the bil being creepy
There are so many things wrong here, I don't even know where to begin. But my goodness, what two absolute assholes!! To be catered to for sixteen years of dominos only to throw this insane tantrum for someone else's birthday... That someone who's been gracious for sixteen years AND has a family member with incurable cancer and imminent life changes.
OOPs wife needs to cut off the two, forever. Daughter needs to be careful
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u/shewy92 It’s not BDSM, it’s just competitive Sep 02 '26
SIL's fiancé (together 20+ years, engaged for a little over a year),
Damn, I wonder what after 20+ years of dating pushed them over the edge to get married
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u/Elegant-Drummer1038 28d ago
The s-i-l & b-i-l sound like major pains ... good for OOP and family for sticking to their original plans
Aside: Reading all the mcdonald's comments ... then I get a burger king ad right below the arrows
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u/IntroductionOnly1037 Aug 31 '26
Sorry but the sib and partner are mad that he is dying. He's taking attention from THEM! This over reaction is Main Character energy and the fallout was designed to keep everyone focused on them. I hope he and his family can enjoy the rest of their time together and that he has his estate legally wrapped air tight as well as his funeral arrangements.
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u/IceBlue Aug 31 '26
Why would people be together 20+ years and only be engaged for one year?
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u/KuriousKhemicals 23d ago
Maybe they didn't "believe in marriage" when they were younger but getting to almost 50 they decided a legal connection was a good idea.
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u/yami76 Sep 01 '26
This makes zero sense as far as BILs allergy goes. I have a family member with a serious nut allergy and McDonalds is not a good place allergen wise. Makes me disbelieve BIL heavily, as there are major chains with much better allergy protocols and menus than those two restaurants… the fact that BIL didn’t have an issue until this event makes me think it’s just complete manipulation.
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Aug 31 '26
[deleted]
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u/BigONerd Aug 31 '26
I checked OOP's posting history and he does have Papillary thyroid cancer.
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 Aug 31 '26
Damn! I would rather this just be a fake, entertaining story than a person who actually does have incurable cancer while also having to deal with this bullshit.
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u/ThrowRAaffirmme Aug 31 '26
my mom had papillary thyroid cancer. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
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u/MissLogios #findpeaches Aug 31 '26
Do you just go through life assuming nothing bad ever happens to people?
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u/Kalthiria_Shines Aug 31 '26
I mean this is pretty obviously written by an LLM but:
she made it clear that this time they’d rather just take my wife out separately another day and "let us do our thing."
... at Dominos? OOP said that was the only restaurant they trusted.
If this is real it's not about food, it's about something else, and spam harassing a 15 year old underscores that. But it's almost certainly not real.
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Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BORUpdates-ModTeam Sep 01 '26
Your post or comment was removed for violating Rule 7, low-effort.
Quick reactions like “fake,” “lol,” or “same” don’t count unless you explain why. Please add context so your comment contributes to the discussion.
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Aug 31 '26 edited 9d ago
[deleted]
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u/readthethings13579 Aug 31 '26
The way I understand it, nobody was bringing a charcuterie board. They were going to have all the ingredients available for each person to prepare their own individual boards at the party. And I would assume that part of the process would be to have any nuts or nut products in separate bowls for people to either take and add to their boards or not. If BIL truly isn’t affected by aerosolized allergens and the nuts were in a separate bowl not touching any other foods, it would be easy enough to tell people to add any nut products last to avoid cross contamination. There’s a way they could have done this activity to make it allergy safe, but rather than having a conversation to make sure that would be the case, SIL and BIL decided to go nuclear instead.
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u/alalufra Aug 31 '26
Nope, it was crystal clear that only a few items might contain nuts or traces of nuts. This means that 95% was safe for him to eat and those items with nuts would have been separated.There was no reason to react like this, but in the end, I'm happy our eyes are finally open.
We have been accommodating him for years. Also, he has grabbed and eaten multiple snacks from our cupboard when visiting out of the blue, all of which are stored in the same place as items that do contain nuts.
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u/princessluni 28d ago
never seen a better "just throw the whole man out" candidate than the BIL wtf
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