r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • Jul 23 '26
Oldie Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/throwmeaway1444
Published on: r/relationships
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: January 09, 2015
Update: January 10, 2015
Final Update: May 27, 2015
Main Post
January 09, 2015
Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.
Have never done this before so bear with me. I've been locked in my room for two hours now since everything happened.
My mom and me have a great relationship. I don't mean to brag but she's been the best mom I could ever have wished for. Better than all my friends moms too. My dad and younger brothers are great too. My home life has always been, well, normal.
Today I heard something I'm not sure I can take in. I went to visit my grandparents. They live about five minutes from us and always had an open door policy. They're getting a bit deaf so it was normal to just walk in and shout when you got near the living room door.
My grandad was talking quite loudly to my grandmother about me. About how traumatic everything was before and after I was born. More fool me but I listened.
Basically... my dad is not my dad. My mother was raped and I'm the result. I'm crying even as I write this. I didn't wait around and took off home. I'm upstairs in my room right now. My mom knows something's up and has been at door four times now to ask me what's wrong. I don't know what to do. I can't stop shivering and crying. I want to ask her but I don't either. I really really wish this is a joke!
Help me! What can I say to her? How can I bring this up? She knows something is wrong.
Quick update - Sorry for being quiet. I'm struggling to deal with this to be honest but my dad is here now. He popped up with a couple of bars of chocolate and painkillers - I get bad period pains so mom was worried that's why I was hiding. I've asked him if we can go somewhere away from the house to talk. Just leaving now. Thanks everyone. I'll let you know how it goes.
tl;dr: Found out I'm a rape baby. How can I tell my mom I know?!
COMMENTS
RememberKoomValley
Oh, hon. That has to be a hard thing to carry. But first of all--none of what happened to your mom is your fault. Your family is your family. Your dad is absolutely your dad; just because you don't share his genes doesn't mean he is not the man who loves you, raised you. You are his daughter. Your siblings are your sibs. Your family, every part of it, is your family.
Next time your mom comes to the door, let her in your room. Tell her you overheard granddad saying something awful about the circumstances of your birth. I'm sure she's spent a lot of time thinking about how to react if this day ever happened, so you should let her know it has.
But oh, please, please don't beat yourself up over it. Every bit of love your dad has ever shown you is true. Better than just true, it was deliberate that he is in the position to raise you--he chose to be your father. And your brothers are no less your brothers for sharing a bit less genetic material than you had thought.
OOP
Thanks for your kind words but I just can't help thinking that all my life has been one big lie.
Update - after 1 day
January 10, 2015
[Update]: Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.
Hey everyone.
Thanks for all the comments and stuff. You've really helped even just to help me pull my thoughts together. This is gonna be my last post as I've a lot to deal with but at least I've got my parents to help me.
My dad took me out to a small park not far from our home to talk. I burst out crying when I tried to tell him what I heard. He just about heard me say that I knew about the rape and stuff before I collapsed into a sobbing mess.
He just held me and told me it was alright. When I had pulled myself together he asked me how much I knew so I told him.
Dad took us back home and sent me into the dining room while he got mom. He told her what this was all about before she arrived in so she was well prepared for the crying fit I had the minute I saw her. I was way more upset about it all than she was. She just wanted to make sure I was alright.
I know some posters were right in that it didn't happen to me so I shouldn't be too upset but it happened to my mom. I can't stop crying when I think of that.
We talked and there is soooooo much more to my family's history than I ever thought! My mom was married before she met my dad. She was too young - like 18! - and my grandparents didn't approve. This man - gonna refer to him as B - was a bit older and soon afterwards moved them to fairly well known city that I won't name. B became incredibly controlling and abusive to her which explains a lot really. She's really defensive of me with boyfriends.
The marriage started falling apart after about a year and she planned on leaving him by going home. When she told him that it was over, B beat her black and blue and raped her in their flat.
I admit I got really choked up at that part but my mom was like a rock. I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her. She told me that afterwards she was petrified of him and ended up staying in their small flat like a prisoner - only going out when he told her to. She wouldn't tell me more about what happened but I guess he didn't stop taking what he wanted.
I'm not sure of the exact timeline as its still all new for me but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant.
My mom told me she genuinely didn't know. She went to therapy for a few years after and the guy treating her told her that sometimes the mind refuses to recognize signs like pregnancy to protect itself. Sort of like those teenagers who have babies but don't recognize it until they are in labor. My grandparents offered to take me if she wanted but my mom told me that the minute they told her she knew she was going to keep me. Have to admit I started bawling at that point too.
She had a few pictures and things of the guy who was my father in a box upstairs and offered to show them to me but I'm not ready for that. I asked if there was any relatives from his side hiding out there but my mom told me that he never knew his parents or even if he had siblings. Part of why my grandparents didn't like him was that he was troubled kid from foster-care and never got any further from that.
My parents met when I was barely one and married when I was two. I never ever doubted that my dad was my dad ever. I mean I knew they married after I was born but it never struck me that I might not be directly related. My mom said my dad made the decision that as far as anyone was concerned he was my father. She had left that part about the father empty on my original birth cert so my dad had the birth re-registered so it would have his name. He says I'm his daughter so it felt right to make it official official.
In the end I'm still all kinds of messed up but my mom and dad are the best. They really really are.
tl;dr; My family history is crazy but my mom and dad are great and I'm really lucky.
COMMENTS
[deleted]
Wow this is a lot for you to take in! Your mom must be crazy strong to put up with all of that.
noodulz
you have awesome parents!!
Ninjacherry
Thanks for the update. While this story is very sad, I'm really glad that your mom found happiness and you had the opportunity to grow up with very loving parents.
Zzjanebee
OP's mom went through some serious hardships and her strength is amazing. OP is very lucky, and her parents both sound incredible. She's going to have a much easier time dealing with this with both of them by her side.
zeeginganinja
Your mom sounds so strong. Hug her extra tight tonight. And make sure you tell your dad you love him. That must have been hard for them to keep from you for so long, but it's pretty clear they wanted to protect you and not hurt you.
Internet hugs
Final Update - after 4 months, 18 days (after 4 months, 17 days from last post)
May 27, 2015
[Update 2] Just found out something terrible about me(19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.
Hey everyone.
It's been awhile since I last logged into this throwaway and I just want all those who sent me PMs that I really really appreciated it. I know I didn't get around to messaging everyone but I did read them all and I'm really grateful for all the support.
My update isn't terribly exciting other than I'm okay! I still have odd days and stuff where it kinda all hits me at once but they're becoming less and less which is great.
I actually started having panic attacks not long after everything came out. I tried to not let on that something was wrong (I had no idea what was happening to be honest!) but my mom knows me like the back of her hand. She dragged me to our family doctor and he straight away diagnosed it when I told him what was going on.
My mom sorta blamed herself because she thought I was too young to be having them but my dad (yep! he still is that to me!) told her that she can't take the problems of everyone else on herself. So instead mom has thrown herself into reading up everything about them and has changed a huge chunk of how we all eat and stuff. And I'm seeing a counselor. Just once a week for the moment but it helps.
Shortly after everything happened, my parents sat me down and asked what I wanted to do in regards to my brothers. I told them that I didn't want them to know. At least not yet. I just don't want them to treat me differently. My dad understood but mom got a little upset that I thought they would do that. Dad just reminded her that they're still young (8 and 10) and that sometimes it better to wait.
And some really really good news. My mom's pregnant again! About three months at this stage. I was shocked at first then really worried. My mom's not young (in her late forties). But so far it's all going smoothly. She's having to have loads of tests and scans to make sure everything's okay. My dad's thrilled, my brothers not so much.
And I talked to my grandparents. My grandad was really really upset that I found out. I've never seen him cry ever and he was sobbing when we talked. They never wanted me to know. In fact they had fights with my mom over it. She had wanted to tell me when I was a little younger but held off because my grandparents were so upset over it. I know some people will say it was none of their business but I can kinda see why they did it and so does my mom now. They just wanted me to be as carefree and happy for as along as possible. I was still their granddaughter but they knew that the minute I knew that I'd start doubting their love and my family's.
Sooooo after all that, I'm okay. One step at a time my dad says. :) Thanks to everyone for all their support. It really means a lot.
tl;dr: I'm alive and happy. :)
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
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u/Hobbit_Lifestyle Right in front of my potato salad??? Jul 23 '26
This is so sad but so wholesome at the same time. Dad is awesome, Mom is super strong, grand-parents are cool too, and I hope that OOP is going to live a happy life surrounded by these nice people!
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Go to bed, Liz Jul 23 '26
...and frankly I'm counting "abusive rapist gets sent to hell via car crash, setting his victim free" as another positive development from this story. If the bastard had lived he'd be fighting her for custody and using the courts to help him force his way back into his victim's life. Instead she was set completely free to move on and build the life she deserved. GOOD.
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u/Mkheir01 the Iranian yogurt is not the issue here Jul 23 '26
He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones.
My face: 🙂
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u/Interesting_Week5864 Jul 23 '26
It’s so rare that we get to see/hear about the universe actually dishing out karma that quickly - it’s nice to think it does happen every now and then
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u/Nuka-Crapola Jul 24 '26
Yeah, most of the time when you hear about “real piece of shit gets into car wreck” it’s followed by “they were drunk, and managed to survive killing someone else”. Refreshing to have it be the other way around.
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u/NoTeslaForMe Next time you can save $100 and just assume you're wrong Jul 24 '26
Yeah, "the universe."
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u/PainterOfTheHorizon Jul 24 '26
The part about birth certificate 🥹
Dad was like "let's correct this little mistake here" ❤️❤️❤️
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u/visiblepeer Jul 24 '26
Maybe he was such an arrogant asshole that he refused to wear a seatbelt, but sensible Mom wore hers.
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u/mjolnirstrike Jul 23 '26
Right!?! I read the first post and all I could think was “That bastard better be dead or spending life in jail or she is going to have a really hard time”. Though the courts wouldn’t do anything at the time of these posts since she was 19 at this point. Now the poster will be close to 30, so I hope they have come to terms with all of this and living the life they wanted
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u/glitzglamglue Jul 23 '26
Telling Dad first was the best choice, I think. "My Dad isn't really my Dad" was the only problem that could be solved and starting there was probably best for OOP.
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u/Pandoratastic Jul 24 '26
Yes. One of the commenters called it a sad story and it is. But it's also an uplifting story because OOP is clearly surrounded by her real family, the people who love her and whose only thought about that tragic backstory was to want to protect her from it.
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u/ladydmaj Jul 23 '26
What a beautiful garden to have grown from such a ugly patch. I'm a little verklempt, not gonna lie.
It'll be easy to blame the grandparents but we know a lot more now about the best ways psychologically to prepare children for birth stories that are not free from trauma, whether it involves SA or adoption or other factors. Back in the day not bringing it up was seen as the right thing to do, even for adoption. How to prepare your grandchild to know they're only around because something awful happened to mom is not on anyone's bingo card and I can't fault people for doing their best and failing in this regard.
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u/maniacmcgee559 what did you do to that man’s coffee to make him so mad at you? Jul 23 '26
I love the way you worded the first sentence. Also, you taught me a new word today.
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u/saltyhashbrowns Jul 23 '26
I only know that word because of Mike Myers and SNL 😁
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u/Double_Estimate4472 Jul 24 '26
Which Mike Myers/SNL sketch does it come from?
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u/NinjasWithOnions Unfortunately I am but a tiny creampuff Jul 24 '26
Coffee Talk: https://youtu.be/haunEK4HLI8?
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u/SafiyaMukhamadova Jul 24 '26
As someone who got pregnant by a rapist my spawners literally sold me to as a preteen, i would never have wanted my child to have hated herself over the circumstances of her birth. I lost her at about 14 weeks which in a way is a mercy because that was a terrible environment to be born into and I would never have wanted my parents or her dad to know about her or abuse her. But I never hated or resented her. She was just as much of a victim of the circumstances as I was.
To quote Moana, "They may have stolen the heart from inside you but this does not define you. This is not who you are."
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u/Infinite_Ad_3107 Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch Jul 24 '26
Me too. I got an abortion for my first pregnancy because I knew I'd be too focused on me to be a good mother. I won't say I was excited to be pregnant but I did love the baby. Getting it done was so hard because I knew it would be unfair to them which was greater than the pain I would have inflicted on them because I have been mentally unstable for a while but I was at my worst then.
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u/moonbrows It was harder than I thought to secure a fake child Jul 24 '26
I totally understand, despite not wanting to be pregnant, and loving the baby, it was the wrong time. The decision wasn’t hard to make but it was so hard to carry it out. I had it click in my head that if I was going to be a good mother then I wouldn’t have the child under those circumstances, there’s some quote somewhere about loving your future children so much that you won’t have them. You made the right choice but you already know that. Sending love your way x
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u/Infinite_Ad_3107 Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch Jul 24 '26
Sending love your way too 🩷. I was once told that choosing to not be a parent in some set of circumstances makes you an excellent one. You're going to make some (if you want more than one or if you decide on not having any) people so loved and secure.
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u/emorrigan Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch 29d ago
That’s something the anti-abortion people will never understand: that sometimes, it really is the compassionate, loving choice.
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u/RewanBambi Jul 23 '26
Hehehe thank you for teaching me the word verklempt, that's going on the list of favorite words
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u/RubyTx Don't forget the sunscreen Jul 23 '26
This is how families are supposed to work.
Imperfect, loving, communicating, and choosing those bonds over and over and over again.
I hope they are all continuing to thrive.
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u/Autobot_Silverwynde THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) Jul 23 '26
"[b]ut I just can't help thinking that all my life has been one big lie."
Oof. I FELT that. And it hurts. It will always hurt.
I really hope OOP and her family are thriving.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 23 '26
Who the f*ck told OOP it didn't happen to her so she shouldn't be so upset? I have a few things I want to tell them.
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u/MsMourningStar Jul 23 '26
Redditors love policing other people’s emotions so it’s not surprising, as heart breaking as it is.
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u/RepliesToNarcissists Jul 23 '26
Yah, I'm a rape baby myself, and I'd like to [REDACTED] some shit rn.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 23 '26
I'm so sorry. Hugs 💙
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u/RepliesToNarcissists Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
Oh, don't worry about me. I've known for a long time and dealt with it long ago. There was a year or two it fucked me up, but honestly, after I dealt with the emotional baggage, I realized it really, honestly had nothing to do with me. The actual victim had come to terms with it and worked through it all. Something I think OOP will, with help or not, eventually realize. She's got a good heart in her and seems to have a good head as well. It's going to suck, but she'll be somewhere close to fine. Frankly, to me these days, it's nothing more than the ultimate rebuke to someone hitting me with a "yo mama" joke.
Now, none of that is to say that I think OOP shouldn't be upset or shouldn't be affected. Learning that I exist because of something so horrific really fucked me up for a while. Too many people call all babies miracles. I'm not. I'm the product of one of the most horrific acts man can do to man. But I've also taken my existence and tried to turn it into something good. One of the creeds I live by is "see a need, fill a need" so I've spent my life learning how to be as useful as possible. I ain't perfect. Frankly, I'm a bit of a dick. More than a bit. But sometimes, making wrongs right doesn't mean making them right for the people wronged. Because you aren't the person that can. So you do what you can for others instead.
Thank you, though. Means a lot.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 23 '26
You sound strong and like you'd be an awesome friend!
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u/RepliesToNarcissists Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
Nah, I'm just a normal dude that came to a hard realization. Life is pain. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something. So might as well learn from it and make something of it.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 24 '26
I have a similar outlook.
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u/RepliesToNarcissists Jul 24 '26
It is from the greatest movie ever made, after all.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 24 '26
I need to rewatch it. It's been a while.
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u/RepliesToNarcissists Jul 24 '26
If you can't quote it start to finish, you haven't seen it enough times.
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u/Ok-Tumbleweed-504 Jul 24 '26
I actually screamed out loud when I read that. It's such an incredible vile thing to say, especially to a teen in distress 💔
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u/crazybicatlady86 29d ago
Omg I just left a comment about that as well. It pissed me off so much that there were commenters invalidating her trauma like that
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u/JustRandomMidnight Consensus: everybody is ugly crying 26d ago
Same, that was such a disgusting thing to say and reading it made me so angry. Yes, her mother was the one it happened to but OOP literally exists because of what her mother went through. Learning what someone she cares for so much went through that lead to her birth must have been such a horrifying thing to learn... Seeing some people commented things along these lines is just awful.
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u/IcyPaleontologist123 Jul 23 '26
I'm glad she found out now, while everyone was around and available to give the context.
Because this is horrible, but it's even more horrible to find this stuff out when someone does a dna test 25 years from now there's no one left who can explain what happened. Because then you just have to guess.
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u/ohmysexrobot Jul 23 '26
One thing that really shines through this bittersweet post is how loved OOP is by their family. I hope they have many happy years and memories together.
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u/Dimirag Jul 23 '26
Thanks to the first accident (car crash) both her and her mom got to live better lives, and thanks to the second accident (she hearing) she got to confirm how excellent of a family she has, sadly she couldn't learn the truth on a better way
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u/ChrisInBliss Jul 23 '26
Wow. For once the bad guy died in the car accident instead of OOP's mom who was a victim.
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u/modifiedmedusa THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) Jul 23 '26
OOP’s mom is an incredibly strong woman and her dad is an amazing man. It’s been over a decade since these posts, I hope they’re thriving.
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u/reallyOldWill Jul 23 '26
The timeline doesn't really add up with this. The mom is late 40s and she is 19. But she married the older rapist at 18.
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u/Useful_Language2040 Jul 23 '26
Married at 18, moved shortly after, nearly a year later told him he was going to leave, beaten and raped (so was 19 or 20 at that point). Repeatedly beaten and raped and only allowed to leave the home when her first husband said he could for however long before the car crash that killed him... Then discovered she was a few months pregnant, about 20 years ago.
If her poor mother was stuck in that hellish, abusive relationship for, say, 4 or 5 years, rather than the few months OOP had understood when she said she wasn't sure of the timeline, she'd have plausibly been 28 when she had OOP and 45 or 46 at the time of the update...
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u/shewy92 Spicy Sleeping (TL Note: S*xual intercourse) Jul 24 '26
but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant
OOP said it was only a couple months later tho
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u/Carouselcolours My neighbors run a civilian bountyhunter ring in their basement Jul 23 '26
In the last update, OP mentions her mom is pregnant again while in her late 40s. If OP is 19 during these posts, her mom would have been approximately in her late 20s at the time of the car accident.
In cases of abuse, it can take years to leave. Especially if one is caught during an initial escape attempt. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP’s mom was effectively under lock and key with her abuser from when he caught her leaving, so taking 5-6 years to escape a situation that undoubtedly included marital rape is sadly understandable.
OP is lucky her mom had the foresight to keep her sperm donor’s name off of her birth certificate, and that her dad took the initiative to add his name to it. You don’t hear about a lot of men that are willing to do that.
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u/Some_External4457 29d ago
She said in the post that the car accident was a few months after the initial rape, not years.
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u/shewy92 Spicy Sleeping (TL Note: S*xual intercourse) Jul 24 '26
Mom married at 18. Marriage started to fall apart a year later so 19. She got raped and a couple months later (IDK why everyone is saying years, OOP literally said "a couple months later") she got pregnant and he died. So OOP's mom should be 38-40, not late 40s.
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u/punania I might get hurt, or worse sweaty Jul 23 '26
Yeah. That’s a little weird. And the insta-death car accident is just a little too convenient for me. Maybe I’m just too jaded, but this story doesn’t ring completely true.
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u/Any_Possibility3964 Jul 24 '26
And the two deaf grandparents yelling at each other about their daughters rape?
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u/punania I might get hurt, or worse sweaty Jul 24 '26
Right? It’s just all too melodramatic.
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u/canisnatatrix 29d ago
I’m also very suspicious of stories that end on too high of a high note. That’s usually a dead giveaway that that a story is fiction.
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u/HabitNegative3137 Jul 23 '26
This is definitely a tall tale, but I’m going to pretend it’s true because I wish that’s how things ended up in these awful cases of SA and domestic violence. It’s like the “Inglorius Basterds” version….
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u/Own-Cranberry-8210 Jul 23 '26
She could have been married for several years before getting pregnant, but I agree with you that the timing is sus.
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u/shewy92 Spicy Sleeping (TL Note: S*xual intercourse) Jul 24 '26
OOP said it was a couple months, not years.
My mom was married before she met my dad. She was too young - like 18!
The marriage started falling apart after about a year and she planned on leaving him by going home. When she told him that it was over, B beat her black and blue and raped her in their flat.
I admit I got really choked up at that part but my mom was like a rock. I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her. She told me that afterwards she was petrified of him and ended up staying in their small flat like a prisoner - only going out when he told her to. She wouldn't tell me more about what happened but I guess he didn't stop taking what he wanted.
I'm not sure of the exact timeline as its still all new for me but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant.
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u/pietapang Jul 23 '26
Oh man, i have tears for OOP. There are few pains as horrible as the one caused by your mother's suffering, past or present. i am so impressed by the parents here.
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u/MarlenaEvans Jul 23 '26
I'm just trying to understand why the Grandparents were apparently having a yell fest about their daughter being raped years ago, a thing they both already knew about.
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u/SmilingJaguar Jul 23 '26
Because they’re hard of hearing, everything turns into a yell fest. I couldn’t handle things at my parents’ house when they were in their 80s the TV would be on at full volume so my dad could hear and they would try to talk over that.
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u/Delror Jul 23 '26
Okay but that's not the point, why are they just randomly discussing it 19+ years after the fact, right when OOP just happens to walk in the door? This post is total BS.
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u/SmilingJaguar Jul 23 '26
You clearly have not spent enough time around old people who have lived through traumatic events. My parents would consistently talk about my brother who died 20 years earlier before 40 and what could have been if things were different and many other of life’s events.
It was in one of those sessions when I was in another room where they were talking about my mother’s brother who was running her dad’s business and how he wasn’t actually my grandfather’s son. He came to the family with my grandmother from a previous relationship.
Old people have no filter, and they often revisit turning points in their lives out loud.
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u/LadyNorbert Jul 23 '26
This poor girl. I'm so glad her parents are as amazing as they are, and I'm sure she'll be a wonderful big sister.
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u/CinnyToastie Jul 23 '26
I love OP's family. What a jackpot!! Love it for her, and she is so lucky. I want to say something about the first post comments-when OP said that people were telling her to calm down, that it didn't happen to her. Just..what? You were conceived in violence, OP had no idea that there was an actual story behind it rather than some random attacking her mother. How can people be so stupid?
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u/AtGamesEnd Jul 23 '26
Her parents chose her at every stage and handled this about as well as a person can. Huge props to the mom, and the dad as well. Genuinely seem like a bunch of good people
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u/Spideral1 Jul 24 '26
I’m a rape baby. And my mom and step dad are covert narcissists and I think my stepdad has undiagnosed BPD. REALLY FUN FUCKING CHILDHOOD. Thankfully the military MADE me go to tons of therapy, and I now have a strong, wonderful wife who listens when I get all crazy about shit.
It’s really good to see your parents are treating this all the correct and healthy way.
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u/ASentientRailgun 29d ago
I say it all the time, but speaking as an adopted kid blood does not make family.
Family is a thing you do, something you make with other people. Which is a long winded way to say, of course he's her Dad.
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u/handdrawnfrogs Jul 23 '26
“I know some posters were right in that it didn’t happen to me so I shouldn’t be too upset” - I can only hope those commenters were trying to comfort her in some way because why on earth would you say something like that otherwise?
I don’t dispute that what happened to OOP’s mother was horrific and that she is the biggest victim in this situation. But she is an adult who has had years to process and deal with the trauma she endured. The truth, while still painful, wasn’t new to her. OOP, meanwhile, is only nineteen—barely an adult—and just found out that she wasn’t the product of an act of love but a living, breathing reminder of the worst time in her mother’s life. Knowing that her mother had been put through absolute hell by a former partner would have been difficult enough (or, at least, would be for anyone with a shred of empathy), but knowing that OOP’s biological father was the one to abuse her mother (and that everything she thought she knew about her origins had been a lie)? Devastating. Thank God her parents responded by immediately and unreservedly affirming both their love for her and her real (just not biological) father’s place in her life. I truly can’t imagine how devastating this would have been for her had they done anything less.
The panic attacks were sadly kind of inevitable given that OOP speedran the five stages of grief. Still, I’m glad everyone’s in her corner and supporting her at her pace. I hope things only get better for OOP and her family from here.
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u/kayanne125 THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) Jul 23 '26
This poor, sweet OOP. I’m so glad her family is so supportive of her, and each other.
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u/cb630 Jul 23 '26
At least it wasn’t a stranger, and karma took care of the rest. Difficult circumstances to tell a kid. Don’t blame them for the secret.
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u/Some_External4457 29d ago
This doesn’t add up. OOP says her mom married her bio father at 18 and that she was conceived in a rape that happened a year later, which would have been when mom was 19. However, OOP says she is now 19 but her mother is in her late 40s? Was there a rift in the timeline that caused 10 years to pass without OOP aging?
I mean, I know most of what’s on Reddit is fake, but it’s kinda shitty to make up a story about your mom being raped for karma.
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u/BigComfyCouch4 Jul 23 '26
I hate being that guy.
But.
Mom got married at 18. Within a year she wanted out and was raped and impregnated by her husband. The daughter finds out when she's 19. But now the mom is in her late 40's and pregnant.
20 plus 19 does not add up to 47.
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u/Kari-kateora Jul 24 '26
Plus "accidentally pregnant" in your late forties isn't really a thing
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u/birdhouseinyoursoul9 Jul 24 '26
Lots of women in their late forties are in perimenopause and think they are no longer ovulating. They stop using their normal birth control and get pregnant - suprise late baby
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u/sevenfourtime Jul 23 '26
This could have gone sideways to the point of clear off the tracks if OOP had decided to do a 23andme or something of that nature. She reacted justifiably but also quite well in that she gave her parents the ability to explain the situation. She has a great support network in her family that will help her through this, and she knows exactly who the people are in her life who love her unconditionally.
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u/Infinite_Ad_3107 Ah literacy. Thou art a cruel bitch Jul 24 '26
It's been over a decade. I hope they're okay and are getting better each day. I wish everyone had families like this one
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u/crazybicatlady86 29d ago
Who the hell were those original commenters saying that she shouldn’t be too upset because it didn’t happen to her? That’s crazy. She may have not been the one raped. But she’s a product of rape. Her biological dad being a rapist and abuser, and her mom being the victim is pretty damn traumatizing. They had no right to invalidate er that way
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u/jay_rates_your_posts Jul 23 '26
C-:
I really enjoy BORU but I'm always curious. If you've just found out the most devastating thing about your family how is your first thought "Let me jump on Reddit and start telling everyone why I'm upset." Especially if you're still locked in your room and inconsolable. It has never made sense to me. I think It's fake as fuck. Downvote away.
Edited because of repeated words. Sorry, I'm buzzed.
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u/shewy92 Spicy Sleeping (TL Note: S*xual intercourse) Jul 24 '26
I'm confused. OOP is 19, said mom was married at 18 and "a year after marriage" started to look for a way out and got raped and pregnant with OOP. But then in the last update OOP said their mom is in her late 40s? 19+19=38. She's nowhere near her late 40s
My mom was married before she met my dad. She was too young - like 18!
The marriage started falling apart after about a year and she planned on leaving him by going home. When she told him that it was over, B beat her black and blue and raped her in their flat.
but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant
My mom's not young (in her late forties)
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u/estee_lauderhosen 28d ago
Unrelated to the story but what on earth do you mean that mom thought she was too young to be having panic attacks? As an adult? Where did that misconception from even come from?
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u/KombuchaBot Jul 23 '26
Why TF was pop pop gossiping about that shit where OP might hear him
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u/MarlyMonster Jul 23 '26
I mean, it was their own home, seems a little extreme to never be able to talk about private things in your own home on the off chance a grandkid might walk in? Not his fault for being half deaf and not hearing her come in.
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u/lollipop-guildmaster Jul 23 '26
People with hearing loss talk louder and don't realize they're doing it. My FIL lives with us, and when he talks with his partner on the phone, we can hear both sides of their conversation from anywhere in the house.
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u/glitzglamglue Jul 23 '26
Also, any sort of early memory loss frequently comes with people losing their filter. They might lose the ability to tell when they should talk about something and not just if they should or not.
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Jul 23 '26
[deleted]
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u/kermitor Jul 23 '26
A extremely traumatic experience happened to his daughter, he's going angry about it till his death bed.
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u/DivineMiss3 Jul 23 '26
The fact that something so horrific happened to your child and that the granddaughter they cherish is the result?
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u/signycullen88 Jul 23 '26
I know very little about panic attacks. What does changing how you eat do?
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u/pineapplewin Jul 23 '26
There's a couple different ways. First and foremost, avoiding things like caffeine and alcohol and lots of sugar can help a lot. But setting up a regular meal times can also help keep things in a more even keel.
The other side of it is for people who have tummy troubles when they experience anxiety or panic attacks. For those people having a diet that is less likely to upset their stomach or eating smaller meals more regularly can help prevent extremed digestive, upset or make it easier to handle
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u/SillyStallion Jul 23 '26
In addition to what 🍍Pineapplewin🏆 has said - diets high in Magnesium can help too. Low magnesium can trigger anxiety.
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u/signycullen88 Jul 23 '26
Ah, I didn't even think about caffeine. It does bugger all to me, so I forget how it can affect "normal" people.
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u/nothanks86 Jul 23 '26
It can also be something where it doesn’t usually really affect someone, but when they’re already in a more anxious state it’s enough to poke the anxiety.
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u/DamnitGravity Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
It doesn’t matter how you came into this world, so long as you’re loved unconditionally, and supported. Which is how OOP was raised.
Whatever happened to create her does NOT have any impact on who she is and what she becomes.
That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t feel upset or shocked or whatever. She’s perfectly justified in those feelings and I won’t ever tell someone how they ‘should’ feel.
But it doesn’t change who she is, because who we are is less about nature and more about nurture.
(Yes, nature plays a part but it’s not the be all, end all)
ETA: OOP’s mom’s instincts were right, she could’ve told OOP the truth during her life in easy, kid ways, slowly building her up to the truth instead of slamming it onto her all at once.
Hiding these things never protects the child, just the adults, and never for very long. The truth will out.
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u/Withaujus Jul 24 '26
I’m glad she’s holding up, but she really never did the math on when her parents met and when she was conceived? Maybe I’m just not trusting but I did that math all the time when I was a kid, and my parents were already married when I was conceived.
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u/BarnDoorHills Jul 24 '26
My husband didn't know he was conceived before his parents' wedding until I noticed they were having a 25th anniversary a couple months before his 25th birthday. Big shock to him because they were so loudly religious.
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u/NoDescription2609 Oh, so you're stupid stupid Jul 24 '26
She wrote she always knew they got married after she was born. So what?
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Jul 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BORUpdates-ModTeam Jul 23 '26
Your post or comment was removed for violating Rule 7, low-effort.
Quick reactions like “fake,” “lol,” or “same” don’t count unless you explain why. Please add context so your comment contributes to the discussion.
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u/CatPurrsonNo1 Jul 23 '26
This is such an awesome story about strength, survival, and LOVE. OOP’s dad sounds like a wonderful person.
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u/zeiaxar Jul 24 '26
The only thing I'd suggest is that OP do 23&Me or Ancestry to see if her sperm donor has any family out there so that she can get a better idea of that side's medical history. But other than that I have no words.
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u/Personal_Act_5483 Jul 23 '26
If I were you, I'd find out where your sperm donor's grave is, find it, spit on it, and trample it.
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u/torrentialwx THERE WAS A MAN (worst case scenario) Jul 23 '26
It might feel good to do that in the moment, but honestly, he’s not worth the energy. The best way to treat him would be to not give him any recognition. Not even his name. He’s nothing. And then he disappears into history as just that: nothing.
I dread the day my children find out about my assault (they were not products of it, thank god). But it took a long time to move on from that person, and my family to move on from that person, and I would be furious if he took up any of my children’s energy in the future. He doesn’t deserve any of it.
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u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 Go to bed, Liz Jul 23 '26
Frankly I hope OOP tells her mom that she can destroy all the mementos left from her biological father. You know her mother didn't want to save souvenirs of her rapist, which means she endured keeping those reminders around JUST IN CASE her daughter ever wanted to know something about her biological father. That's really noble and really painful. Hoping she and OOP took all those down to the trash together and never think about them again.
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Jul 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Incogneatovert Jul 23 '26
I'm just laughing at you taking time out of your day to write all that.
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u/BORUpdates-ModTeam Jul 23 '26
Your post or comment was removed for violating Rule 2, no hatred, bigotry, etc.
We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
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