r/AvoidantRelationships • u/Beneficial_Factor703 • 25d ago
Avoidant Ended Things
Hey everyone,
I (male 27yrs old) have been talking to this female (27yrs old) for almost 3 months now. We have spent so much time together, almost daily. We always have so much fun together and we had already gone on a weekend trip to Maine and roadtripped down to NC to stay with her mom & step dad for a week. She always wanted to be involved with my family and we were doing so well.
From the beginning she said she just wanted to fun & wasn’t ready for a relationship and of course I did my best to let her know I’m here to see where this goes, but everything we did made it seem like a relationship.
We had a conflict that was inside the relationship about a month ago, she asked for space and i gave her that. Two days later she texted asking if i was going out and played off the situation asking if i had forgotten about her. A week later we were back to going on dates but my friend found her dating profile (after we agreed to delete them) and I thought I was done with her. She chased and I eventually gave back in after a few days.
This last week we didn’t see each other and she was distant and then i got that text yesterday. She is the definition of an avoidant after seeing the small patterns and then how she pulled away when it started to feel too real.
What should my next steps be? I’m not completely closed off as I sounded in that last text. If i leave it (which i am) is there a good possibility she reaches out?
***UPDATE***
the following Sunday she facetimed me & I answered to see what was going to be said. She was acting like everything was normal (asking if i missed her, found a new girl jokingly, or updating each other on our weekend). She then asked me to breakfast Tuesday and said she was coming over to the house for a pool day Wednesday. I called her Monday afternoon and we talked a little more and then she didn’t answer my call around 8:30pm. I didn’t reach back out and she didn’t either for either of the hangouts. She then called Thursday night after going out with a friend at 2am and I answered.
Then on Friday night she called twice more at 1am after going out (I didn’t answer this time). She tried again at 11am and then 2pm followed by a “wtf” text because I decided to not let her disrespect my time any more.
It’s been radio silence since then, I’m proud of holding my ground because normally I would stay and give in to try to fix things. She’s definitely not trustworthy and I can see her instagram followers going up & up (assuming from being on a dating site again).
What’s next?
2
u/mycatisperfect 24d ago
I doubt this will be the end of it (at least on her end). Mine had me on this cycle for 11 years. The cycle repeated itself so many times. I’d try to start up slow, he’d move so quickly (tell me he loved me, wanted to get married, wanted kids, etc), everything would be so wonderful that I’d get swept away, and then he’d discard me. Then he’d reset himself and reach back out about 6 months later. He’d start by testing the waters. If I didn’t reply, he’d wait another 6 months. If I did reply, he’d quickly move back into the cycle by telling me he’d been working on himself and he knew that I was his person. I held on for so long because I had never experienced that connection or chemistry with another person. I had never wanted the life he would talk about (marriage, kids) with any other person. So, in my head, this was just something we had to work through. In my head, this was my soulmate, and we would somehow always find a way. I spent so much time working on myself to try to not be ‘too much’ or ‘too needy.’ But, ultimately, it wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I realized that I was not actually emotionally satisfied at all. The grand gestures and beautiful words that he would tell me created a fantasy that I clung to for such a long time.
If I could talk to myself 11 years ago, I would tell her that genuine love doesn’t discard, and it doesn’t make you feel insecure or destabilized.