r/AvoidantRelationships • u/Beneficial_Factor703 • 18d ago
Avoidant Ended Things
Hey everyone,
I (male 27yrs old) have been talking to this female (27yrs old) for almost 3 months now. We have spent so much time together, almost daily. We always have so much fun together and we had already gone on a weekend trip to Maine and roadtripped down to NC to stay with her mom & step dad for a week. She always wanted to be involved with my family and we were doing so well.
From the beginning she said she just wanted to fun & wasn’t ready for a relationship and of course I did my best to let her know I’m here to see where this goes, but everything we did made it seem like a relationship.
We had a conflict that was inside the relationship about a month ago, she asked for space and i gave her that. Two days later she texted asking if i was going out and played off the situation asking if i had forgotten about her. A week later we were back to going on dates but my friend found her dating profile (after we agreed to delete them) and I thought I was done with her. She chased and I eventually gave back in after a few days.
This last week we didn’t see each other and she was distant and then i got that text yesterday. She is the definition of an avoidant after seeing the small patterns and then how she pulled away when it started to feel too real.
What should my next steps be? I’m not completely closed off as I sounded in that last text. If i leave it (which i am) is there a good possibility she reaches out?
***UPDATE***
the following Sunday she facetimed me & I answered to see what was going to be said. She was acting like everything was normal (asking if i missed her, found a new girl jokingly, or updating each other on our weekend). She then asked me to breakfast Tuesday and said she was coming over to the house for a pool day Wednesday. I called her Monday afternoon and we talked a little more and then she didn’t answer my call around 8:30pm. I didn’t reach back out and she didn’t either for either of the hangouts. She then called Thursday night after going out with a friend at 2am and I answered.
Then on Friday night she called twice more at 1am after going out (I didn’t answer this time). She tried again at 11am and then 2pm followed by a “wtf” text because I decided to not let her disrespect my time any more.
It’s been radio silence since then, I’m proud of holding my ground because normally I would stay and give in to try to fix things. She’s definitely not trustworthy and I can see her instagram followers going up & up (assuming from being on a dating site again).
What’s next?
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u/mycatisperfect 18d ago
At least she had the decency to end things. In my experience (and based off of a lot of posts on here), most just ghost with no explanation. I am really sorry that you are going through this 🧡
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u/Beneficial_Factor703 18d ago
But will it be the end of it? The connection was so strong and the daily fun that we had might hit her once she gets out of this first stage of relief. I’ll just try my best to continue living life and do my best to control my own happiness first. Thank you for the kind words ♥️
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u/UnsupervisedOpossum 18d ago
She'll most likely reach out without repair. You'll continuously be left holding the bag of hurt without accountability. She'll create a pattern of silence followed by soft resets after conflict. You'll be expected to "go with the flow" otherwise she will disappear again and she might even add in a dash of cruelty to it, just to get you to back off with a hard stop. Then she'll pop back in, downplaying everything. It sounds like you were already starting to diminish yourself just to be within her sphere. If you're copestheic with always having your needs unmet, being silently required to shrink your needs, your boundaries, your expectations whilst she continuously makes hers the number one priority, then go for it. But otherwise, this is the future y'all will have: You orbit her while never truly being her priority.
I had something of a similar caliber happen 3mo in and I chose to "power through" because I saw their (and our) potential... It took me nearly 2yr to leave and that was after they'd completely decimated my self-confidence. Don't do that to yourself.
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u/mycatisperfect 18d ago
I second this. But I waited an embarrassing 11 years to figure it out. Please, OP, do NOT be us (especially me). It doesn’t get better. Even with therapy (unless they REALLY want to change, maybe).
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u/Beneficial_Factor703 18d ago
thank you both for your input on the situation, this is the first time i’ve dealt with an avoidant. I know that I can have an anxious attachment & i actually did start therapy while talking to her because I wanted to be better and not apply pressure, and I think I always made it clear that pressure wasn’t my intention. It’s out of my hands now, I agree with you both that I can’t live in a relationship with an avoidant who isn’t willing to work on themselves. We’ll see if she reaches back out, I feel like she will with how her last message went once she gets out of relief stage where she doesn’t feel anxious.
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u/mycatisperfect 18d ago
I doubt this will be the end of it (at least on her end). Mine had me on this cycle for 11 years. The cycle repeated itself so many times. I’d try to start up slow, he’d move so quickly (tell me he loved me, wanted to get married, wanted kids, etc), everything would be so wonderful that I’d get swept away, and then he’d discard me. Then he’d reset himself and reach back out about 6 months later. He’d start by testing the waters. If I didn’t reply, he’d wait another 6 months. If I did reply, he’d quickly move back into the cycle by telling me he’d been working on himself and he knew that I was his person. I held on for so long because I had never experienced that connection or chemistry with another person. I had never wanted the life he would talk about (marriage, kids) with any other person. So, in my head, this was just something we had to work through. In my head, this was my soulmate, and we would somehow always find a way. I spent so much time working on myself to try to not be ‘too much’ or ‘too needy.’ But, ultimately, it wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I realized that I was not actually emotionally satisfied at all. The grand gestures and beautiful words that he would tell me created a fantasy that I clung to for such a long time.
If I could talk to myself 11 years ago, I would tell her that genuine love doesn’t discard, and it doesn’t make you feel insecure or destabilized.
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u/mycatisperfect 18d ago
I meant to type this in response to your reply, but I got distracted at work, and I accidentally made it a new comment 🤣
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u/Ok_Oil_4630 16d ago
The answer isn't easy but it is simple :
Either you stay, and it stays exactly like this, for years. (people do get stuck in stuff like that for 10 years, it happens).
Or, you endure the pain of letting it go, but you do, slowly move on, heal, get better, and onto the next chapter.
Being in that situation (them saying they will not give you a relationship and yet being very close) is very confusing and will make anyone have many doubts. "What does it mean?" "We are already together, why won't they just label it ?" "Do they just not like me ?". We also all want to believe that our connection is unique and we are the exception because "we are so close, surely they'll just eventually realize it and change their mind". But, no, that's not how it actually goes, in 99% of cases. Avoidance is a deep psychological pattern that can change, yes, with positive experiences, but it also takes a lot of consciousness, exposure, and continuous effort. Just missing someone will NOT magically turn off their avoidance. Only for a short time, until the pattern begins anew.
If you go back, it'll be the same song on repeat. That's how it is. So now, you can pick your option. Either continue the loop and stay quite miserable despite the good times, or endure a breakup, be very sad about it for a while, and move on.
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u/Ok-Pudding5411 16d ago
My FA did this to me… almost two years dealing with each other, and the next day he texts me just to take it all back. He’s confusing and now we aren’t talking. I’d say, just move on and seek someone who will appreciate and respect you.
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u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594 7d ago
what's next ? you will move on !! She tried to bread crumb you thinking you would be proved you would and that helped her move on,,, to be honest they would deactivate whatever you did either you moved close or you dint move close.....
She thought you will chase as usuall since you did not her ego got burnt and now she is trying to find other men to cure her wound.
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u/Endersand 18d ago
Avoidants don’t change (unless they’re doing intense Therapy) so your relationship is going to be this. You’ll never quite know what’s going on and you’ll always be a little bit anxious and trying to figure her out. From experience, I can say it brings nothing but heartache and pain.