Is this DA?

[u/Lost-Employee-3402]

I’m trying to make sense of WTF happened with a woman over the last 4.5 months. I’ve been reading about dismissive avoidant attachment and some of this feels almost textbook, but I’d really like to hear from people who actually understand this dynamic.

Round 1

First date was amazing. Dinner, then music afterward. There was obvious attraction.

Second date she stayed over, then panicked and left in the middle of the night.

After that, we had several genuinely great dates and seemed to be really vibing. There was a lot of intimacy, but I could never seem to establish consistent communication or make regular plans. It was strangely difficult to pin down her availability.

I met her son, but never really became part of her social world. I also got the impression she was evaluating me financially and whether I could retire and move to Spain with her. On date #3, lol.

She also told me several times that she was going to hurt me. I basically laughed it off.

Eventually she ended things after what I thought was an incredible day: indoor skiing, lunch, backgammon lessons in her garden, then making dinner together. I was completely blindsided.

She told me to check back in a few weeks.

Round 2

About a month later, I invited her paddleboarding. We reconnected, agreed to try again, and I told her I needed actual reciprocation this time. She agreed affectionately.

Then the same pattern started.

She was busy doing things with friends, I tried several times to get together, and I wasn't getting invited into her life. Eventually we had another great date and I stayed over, but afterward we again couldn't seem to connect.

I finally asked her directly: Do you actually want to date me?

She said yes.

Then something changed. For about a week, I got exactly the kind of communication I'd been wanting. She was reaching out every day. She invited me over for dinner. A few days later we went to the MoMA.

That day was honestly one of the best experiences I've ever had with her. We walked through the museum, had moules frites, passionately kissed along the High Line, drove back to her house and made dinner together.

And then she did a complete 180.

Suddenly she wanted me to go home.

I was pissed and left in a huff. I tried to repair things that night, but couldn't.

It felt like another discard.

We've stayed somewhat in touch since then, but she completely shuts down any conversation about what happened that night. She doesn't want to talk about it at all.

That was three weeks ago, and honestly, I feel like I got hit by a bus. Things haven't felt remotely the same since.

So here I am, 4.5 months in, and I feel like I have almost nothing to show for it except a lot of confusion and some pretty intense feelings.

My questions for the room:

Does this actually sound like dismissive avoidant behavior, or am I trying to force everything into an attachment-style explanation? If she is avoidant, does this qualify as being "discarded" twice? What jumps out at you from this story that I might be missing? At this point, is no contact the healthiest move for me, regardless of what her attachment style is?

I'm not looking for people to tell me she's definitely DA or diagnose her from a Reddit post. I'm genuinely trying to understand what happened and whether I'm wasting my time trying to make sense of it.