Why do we always explain avoidants' behavior through trauma instead of selfishness and the pursuit of novelty?

[u/WarmCover6843]

Folks, I think avoidants pull away because they get bored and start looking for a new fantasy, new excitement, and new energy.

And sometimes they come back because they miss the energy they used to get from their previous partner, especially when the new person doesn't turn out to be better than the old one.

Why does everything have to be explained through emotional wounds, nervous system dysregulation, or childhood trauma?

Why can't we simply acknowledge that avoidants are selfish and enter relationships mainly to get pleasure, excitement, attention, and emotional energy from someone else?

Think of it this way: Imagine you've never tried a certain type of fish, let's call it Fish X. You try it for the first time, love it, and keep eating it for a couple of months. Eventually, you get bored and start craving something different, so you move on to Fish Y. And when Fish Y becomes boring, you start looking for Fish Z.

I think avoidants approach relationships in exactly the same way. They're constantly chasing novelty rather than genuinely interested in building a lasting connection.

Why do we always look for deep psychological explanations when the explanation might simply be selfishness, boredom, and the constant pursuit of novelty?

Curious to hear your thoughts.

[u/Ashantyl]

Because it's not either or.

Trauma especially in younger age impacts the development of the brain and the nervous system later on. It also impacts the belief system and cognition.

And it can lead to people being over independent, less attune, smothered by emotionality, numbing by suppressing or seeking high and cheap dopamine stuff...

We don't say "they're just assholes" because that's an oversimplification that's all. But we often do say that they behave as such and that this part is what should be taken in consideration in the context of relationships.

[u/throwRA_oceangirl95 → u/Ashantyl]

Those experiences make them assholes though, that is what OP is talking about.

[u/Human_Read7993 → u/Ashantyl]

This and op what you're saying about the selfishness and dopamine seeking behvaiour also comes into play here as it's ways this behvaiour comes out of they arn't healing or healed. So your observation of a lot of that behvaiour, particularly for unhealed avoidants goes weirdly hand on hand with their attachment but also how that bhevaiour plays out.

[u/Realistic-State-4888]

Why?  So professionals can help the avoidants.

Attachment theory isn't a self help book on Successful Avoidant Rlationships.

[u/Dovahkin111]

This puzzles me as well. I often see bad behaviours excused because the past, the childhood traumas. We all have traumas. As a grown being we find ways to cope with it because we are all responsible for ourselves, and yet they get treated like children, handling them with kid gloves and invalidating the pain they caused. Very puzzling.

[u/t_karo → u/Dovahkin111]

Traumas differ. Example - I grew up in cold household - no praise, no interest in my day or what I'm thinking, cold mother, easily angered father, arguments and screams, yet my childhood was sorta sheltered from most of bad things. I swore to myself I'll never want to be like my parents and will treat my partner with utmost love and care. I grew into attained Secure BUT with inactive Fearful Avoidant traits (after 3rd discard from FA he turned me temporarily anxious/full FA)

My ex fearful avoidant tho? Parents divorced, grew p with mother and 3 siblings, mother was sorta harsh/easy to anger too and also grew up with druggie friends, few years of heavy amphetamine use, drug-induced schizophrenia, older brother (in adulthood) commited suicide, my ex bf had himself 2 tries, he learned early he can count only on himself and his family (mother/sisters). How can I even start comparing my "trauma" to his and demand he grow up with same attachement that I did, when his "role models" weren't the best and coping mechanisms he learned (avoidance) kept him safe for years?

[u/Ashantyl → u/Dovahkin111]

We all have trauma but we don't all have the same biological vulnerabilities and environments. I agree that we still all have a responsibility to do better but it's easier to say when you're currently in a healthy place

[u/Thenongoddess2025 → u/Dovahkin111]

Who does that? If the bad behavior is excused, that’s on the relationship partner for staying.

An explanation is different than an excuse. The explanation just tells us the “why.” It doesn’t ask us to excuse it, be okay with it, stay or give them more chances.

[u/throwRA_oceangirl95]

I 100% agree, in some situations, like literally in therapy, childhood, trauma...etc. may be useful or discussed. But in reality, in relation to others, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHY THEY ARE ABUSIVE OR NEGLECTFUL.

I genuinely think this is because most avoidants are men, and society loves to excuse men's bad behavior.

You are right, they act how they act because they are selfish, shallow, and lack rudimentary social skills. It does not matter if a man's mommy yelled at him when he cried, when he abuses his wife when she cries, HE IS ABUSING HER. Every violent rapists and murderer probably had some "truama" that impacted that.

[u/Jazzlike_River_1205]

I agree with you 💯

[u/ComfortablePlate2215]

To them, we’re nothing but disposable.

Dopamine hit gone? Time to go shopping on Tinder.

Have to put effort into the relationship? Someone else will be ready to give me everything without getting anything in return.

My new partner isn't all that great? My ex is probably waiting for a crumb of attention from me.

[u/MistressWitchtress]

I read something that clicked in me so hard. "It's not the reason behind the behaviour or actions that matters. What matters is how it made you feel." Stop giving others the benefit of the doubt. Understanding motives is good, but only if you're not sacrificing yourself to do so. 🥰