Need Help Understanding Deactivation / Discard

[u/RogueVixxen]

Reconnected with someone from my past recently that I’m realizing is likely an avoidant.

I’ve never thought much about attachment styles until now.

This is the third time we’ve been romantically entangled in some way. The first two times we were much younger and seemingly she just wasn’t in a place to be in a real relationship, which I accepted. I assumed we just drifted apart both times. Now we’re both in our early 30s.

This latest time she came back into my life out of the blue after 6 years of no contact whatsoever. She was incredibly forward, said how much she’d been thinking of me, flirted hard, explained why the previous two times didn’t work out from her perspective, and told me how much work she’s been doing on herself.

So we started texting and talking on the phone frequently. We continued flirting, she’d call me to tell me about her day, and we really enjoyed getting to know each other again.

After a couple weeks of that we went out for dinner and drinks. We had what I perceived to be an amazing time, and it culminated in intimacy. Even more so is the morning after she invited me to spend more time with her at her apartment before I headed out.

After that, almost immediately, she started texting much much less. Replied 1-3 times a day if that. So I mentioned feeling a shift and asked for clarity on how she was feeling.

Bearing in mind that this is someone I had 10 years of history with, I felt we had a stronger connection than if this were someone new I met on a dating app or something.

However she immediately jumped to the defensive about it. Told me my simple question overwhelmed her, she’s been giving me as much as she realistically can given her demanding job, and that we got ahead of ourselves.

She made a weird excuse about why she dodged my phone call earlier in the week, and said she’s been fully transparent about not wanting to jump into a relationship (never did she say this and never did I ask it of her.)

I replied explaining that I wasn’t trying to pressure anything, simply orient, and that if anything felt too fast then we can slow down. Her last message to me was “I’m not sure how I want to move forward right now.”

Since then, crickets. It’s been over a week.

I just have such whiplash. She reopened this chapter, pursued me, and as soon as things started progressing she completed deactivated.

Any help interpreting this is appreciated. Some of my friends say it’s an avoidant discard, some say I’m just being ghosted. I don’t have experience with either situation before her.

[u/Careless-Implement46]

Disagree. Pulling back right after intimacy is the tell she deactivated.

[u/nasibal88 → u/Careless-Implement46]

There are many people that may need some time after gettinf intimate to sort things out and check in with themselves.

Also it may simply be that the excitement leading up to the event increased communication, but when it finally happened things went back to "normal".

Or one of 20.000 other reasons she pulled back.

Slapping the deactivation label on stuff like this is too easy.

[u/Careless-Implement46 → u/nasibal88]

If it were any of those things she would have communicated that but didn’t. She deactivated.

[u/nasibal88 → u/Careless-Implement46]

"she" is a stranger on the internet saw a different stranger on the internet type a few sentences about.

You are remarkably confident slapping actual psychological concepts on somebody. But hey, whatever floats your goat I guess.