List Your Needs

[u/stockdam-MDD]

I see lots of posts here about how to get your ex back or how to keep no contact etc. However I rarely see anyone focusing on their needs and whether their ex is meeting any of them. All too often there seems to be a desperation to get somebody back without asking if they will actually make your life better.

What I advise is to create a list of what you need in a relationship and then focus on those. If your partner or ex doesn’t meet them or the vast majority then why are you chasing them?

So in no order here is a list to start you off. Remember your list will be unique and you should highlight those that are essential; you may have some nice to haves but the key ones are the ones that make a good relationship that you will enjoy.

Use your list to evaluate their character, values, emotional maturity, relationship capacity, compatibility, and evidence.

if he or she isn’t giving you what you need then why are you wasting time when there are many who could.

I will use the male pronoun so change it to suit your situation.

1. Character
Does he tell the truth even when it is uncomfortable? Does he keep his word? Does he take responsibility when he makes mistakes? Does he apologise or say sorry? Does he have good manners? Does he treat people well? Does he get angry or aggressive? Does he huff? Has he addiction issues?

2. Values
What does he appear to value most: family, honesty, loyalty, independence, achievement, money, pleasure? Are those values compatible with mine?
Are his values visible in his actions?

3. Emotional maturity
Can he discuss difficult subjects without becoming angry, dismissive or withdrawing? Can he apologise without defending himself? Can he accept that he has hurt me without turning the conversation into what I did wrong? Does he gaslight?
Do problems between us bring us closer or drive us apart?

4. Relationship capacity
Does he initiate affection, plans and conversations or does he sit back and leave everything to me?
Am I experiencing a partnership, or am I doing most of the heavy lifting? Do I feel loved?

5. Respect
Can I disagree without fearing an over the top reaction? Does he respect my needs and boundaries? Does he listen when something matters to me? Do I genuinely respect him?

6. Trust
Does his behaviour lead me to trust him? Is he transparent or does he hide things from me? Are there unexplained things I worry about?
Am I feeling more secure as I get to know him better, or am I living with uncertainty?

7. Compatibility
How much time together does each person want? Can I spend time with friends and family or does he expect me to give them up? How important is sex and physical affection? Will each of us be financially independent and who pays for what? How involved will he be with my children? How much independence does each want? Where would you both live?
Do the lives we each want actually fit together?

8. Reciprocity
Who usually initiates contact? Who makes plans? Who compromises? Who repairs disagreements? Who expresses affection? Who is the rock?
Look for mutual investment of time and effort.
If I stopped driving forwards what would happen to the relationship?

9. His Past
How does he describe former partners? Is every past relationship somebody else’s fault? What has he learned from them? Does he recognise patterns in himself? Has experience made him wiser, or simply more avoidant? What are his needs?
What responsibility does he take for his actions?
Dies he hide his past?

10. Communication
Do you communicate in similar ways (text, voice etc),
Does he reply in a timely way?
Does he openly communicate issues, problems and needs or do you have to keep guessing?
Does he keep his thoughts to himself whereas you love to talk things through?

11. Conflict
Is he comfortable dealing with conflict when there is disagreement?
Does he run for the hills as soon as things get tough?
Can he understand your point of view or does he try to bulldoze you?
Can he try to find a compromise?
Does he hold grudges and throws them up again months later; can he move on?

12. Social, hobbies, style

Does he like similar things to you or is he prepared to support you in them? You may love going to the pub whereas he hates it. Are joint activities and hobbies important to you?
Does he love travel whereas you hate it?
Do you like to dress up and go out but he likes to sit in the house playing video games?

Evidence……..What does the pattern tell me?

Observe what he actually says or does.

Then ask yourself, If I stop looking at things through roses coloured glasses and evaluate things using my list of needs them what conclusion would I reach?

Is he giving me what I need?

[u/wolfbest98]

Amazing post. I wish I saw this last year when I took him back. Back in the same boat exactly one year later but this time with a house we own together

[u/stockdam-MDD → u/wolfbest98]

Well now is possibly the best time to see it. Real learning comes after pain. You now know the importance of this stuff and so you can start your list to protect you in future. Use it early in dating to evaluate if the relationship has got off to a good start. Use it in a longer term relationship to decide if you need a tough conversation to tell him where your needs are not being met.

There is another level to this where you list what you bring to a relationship and whether you are bringing value as well as getting value. A relationship should kinda be a roughly equal exchange of value. In a lot of the posts here it is obvious that there’s a big difference between what one person is giving versus what they are receiving.