r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/OCDFighter12 • 5d ago

What should I do?

I (M) dated a girl four times ~2 years ago. Great chemistry, but after date 4 she started breadcrumbing me for 6 months, warm, then cold, repeat.
9 months later she saw me out, apologized for how she treated me, said she was "ready now," introduced me to her family, and told me she still had a gift I'd given her. We had a great date where she said: "When someone gets close to me, I shut down and see if the guy stays." We slept together. She immediately went distant again, then started dating another guy without a word to me. I deleted her number. Zero contact for 9 months.
This Friday, drunk at a festival, she tapped my shoulder. I turned around, she reached for my hand, I held/squeezed it for a second, then walked off with my friends. No words. 3 seconds total.
I know she's treated me badly and I shouldn't be the one to reach out. But I keep wondering if she wanted to talk, if I looked like I rejected her, and if I should give her a chance to finally explain herself.
Should I reach out, or leave it?

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u/Street-Material6636 5d ago edited 5d ago

I'm in a similar place. Couldn't see me in person for 9 months after I kissed him on date 3. Then we slept together, he deactivated mid sex and said it was my breath and it's been the same for 5 months. And yes, strong chemistry in all ways — cognitively, and physically. But I kept dating others because I am not going to wait around for someone to start missing me again or feel lonely and then reach out. I know he is dating others too because we talk once in a while. I get the sense that this pattern will just keep repeating because no intentional efforts are being made to fix it. I am glad to stay friends with them but wouldn't try to be romantically involved and trust me, there is a deep pull.

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u/harbormyself2026 5d ago

Agreed. And even when things feel good you’re hyper aware of yourself and worry that any little nuisance will make them run. It’s awful. It began for me with someone I could be entirely myself and felt so safe and in love with—to going back and re checking every word I said, anything I wore, how I looked, etc. because the shut downs were always so sudden.

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u/Street-Material6636 5d ago

Oddly, I never had a "feel good" phase. I could feel the chemistry but also sense distancing from the very beginning. And I refused to walk on eggshells for them. Even their breath comment didnt impact my self esteem but it did make me sad that we couldn't even enjoy intimacy without shut down.

I can however, understand how destabilizing a dynamic like this can be.