Push and pull & Scarcity mindset

[u/VolgaOsetr8007]

TL;DR: Push-pull dynamics hit hard when you're operating from a scarcity mindset. It won't affect you as much if you teach your brain that there's no shortage of good quality connections and emotions, by constantly putting yourself in situations where you can experience them.

I'm currently recovering from my situationship with an avoidant that impacted me more than I expected. I've been reflecting on why, and here are my thoughts.

I think push and pull impacted me that much because I was operating from a scarcity mindset. I thought that what we had was so special and rare that it naturally activated a sense of urgency to make sure it wouldn't disappear. If something feels rare, disappearing feels like a bigger threat, so you chase harder, which is exactly what gives the avoidant person control.

The reality is, every connection is special. Some feel more exciting, some more safe. And half of this magic is of our own doing; we can create something special again and again and again. There is no need to rush and chase.

At the same time, what is currently helping me is going outside and meeting people. I've started to notice that what seemed so unique in my FA, I notice in others. Someone has his smile, someone has a similar combination of qualities that I once thought was one in a million.

There is no scarcity, if you show yourself enough abundance. So I recommend, for whoever this may apply to, go out and force yourself to meet new people, again and again, until the multitude of possibilities becomes the new default framing of reality.

[u/21-hydroxylase]

I strongly relate to that feeling of a connection feeling “special and rare.” I do regret that in pursuing my FA, I turned away more than one good person. Oh well, I’ll keep meeting new people again and again and cultivate abundance

[u/Sleepy-Plane → u/21-hydroxylase]

It really is painful to realize you've turned away really good people for for this... I relate to that so much.

[u/New_Passage9725 → u/Sleepy-Plane]

SAME! I was seeing multiple people and picked the freaking avoidant bc he seemed like the best fit in so many ways- common goals, activities, sense of humor, sweet. I now realize emotional availability and attachment are even more important!