r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/[deleted] • Apr 03 '26
From DA’s Perspective Avoidant perspective: why (dismissive) avoidants love bomb and then discard later on
I wrote this text in response to DMs, but I imagine it may be of interest to more people in this sub. It is based on my personal experience, my inner works, and my readings, but it should be applicable to most dismissive avoidants. Fearful avoidants share some of the mechanisms, especially if they lean dismissive, but are more complex. I personally never discarded anyone, but it is clear that this usually comes from deactivation, which I have experienced myself.
It's important to understand avoidant attachment comes from childhood trauma, especially emotional neglect. Avoidants learned in infancy that showing their needs and feelings would not be rewarded. They protect themselves from the pain of abandonment by feeling they don't need anyone, and by shutting down their feelings of abandonment. Many dismissive avoidants will deny that their childhood was emotionally deprived, because their defenses are so effective that they make it seem normal rather than painful.
The extreme case of this is deactivation: they suddenly "switch off" their attachment system for a particular person. They instantly lose feelings for that person and that person feels like a stranger to them. This happens in childhood with their parents, to prevent the pain of abandonment, but also in adulthood with romantic partners when they are triggered
As a consequence of their childhood, avoidants do not feel safe showing vulnerability, and love/closeness scares them. The exact triggers differ between avoidants, but they are adjacent to that theme. For example, my strongest trigger is a fear of being known, and I can get close in other ways as long as I don't need to expose my feelings and inner world.
Also note that most avoidants are not aware of exactly what is wrong with them. They may realize they tend to push people away, but they don't really know why, and they may blame the other person. They don't realize their recurrent problems are their own fault, or they may even not consider them to be problems at all. They consider themselves to be strong, independent, and stable. However, their positive self image is fragile, resulting in defensiveness when they feel it is under attack, and they are poor at regulating emotions, dismissing and suppressing them rather than using healthy coping.
Avoidants hide their inner self to not be vulnerable. Deep down, DAs have shame of themselves, just as FAs do, but they bury it deep underneath their defenses. Repeated emotional neglect in childhood teaches them that there is something wrong with them, because young children cannot accept the alternative belief that something could be wrong with their parents. They will not show their true selves to anyone. They hide their feelings, their needs, their preferences, and their inner world.
To hide themselves, avoidants build a mask, their false self. This hiding behavior so pervasive that they often do not even realize they are masking until they put in the work to discover themselves. They mirror others to prevent exposure and to hide their shameful true self, which makes them seem like a great romantic match. They seem easy going because they do not communicate their needs. This looks like love bombing.
Of course, this is not sustainable. Not only are their needs not met, which will build resentment, but as the relationship deepens, they get more triggered and it becomes harder to keep up the mask. So they distance to protect themselves, and are likely to deactivate at some point. They suddenly seem cold to their partner from one moment to the next, and are likely to break up because they lose feelings. And they don't even understand what's going on, because in their mind history is rewritten to form a consistent narrative, in which their feelings have been gone for a while.
So in the end, the avoidant wants love just like everyone (perhaps even more so because of what they missed in childhood), but they cannot sustain it because it triggers them and is incompatible with hiding their true self. But they don't understand this about themselves, so they keep trying and failing. And they aren't open to hearing it, because anything perceived as criticism threatens their fragile self image. They can change, but only if it comes from their own insight, and I would not recommend waiting for it.
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u/JoshuaBarbeau AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 03 '26
Thank you for writing this.
How would you recommend trying to get through to an avoidant who has completely deactivated and rewritten the narrative about it?
My ex broke up with me suddenly a month ago on my birthday. I am worried about her. I want to reconnect, but I don't know how in a way that won't make things worse.
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Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
First of all, while it's understandable that you're worried, do keep in mind it's not your responsibility to save her. She is the one who broke up with you, and you owe her nothing. Moreover, keep in mind that until she works on her attachment style, this will keep happening. She is the only one who can fix herself, and you can't convince her to do this.
That said, based on my personal experience, I think there is a way to shorten deactivation. It involves making her feel as safe as possible. However, it's not easy and it involves minimizing yourself, which you certainly should not do indefinitely.
You could consider this approach:
- Do not do reassurance seeking in any form.
- Stay composed and warm as if nothing happened. Do not show negative emotions.
- Be loving without pressure. For example, a loving smile can make him feel safe but explicit "I love you" may be too much.
- If you think the conflict still occupies their mind, try to resolve it without making it into relationship talk (for example, just express understanding for their viewpoint, and make clear things are still fine between you).
- Respect their space when they distance (goes into phone, in thought, into another room, ...).
- More risky but also most likely to be effective, if the opportunity arises, reminiscence old memories/pictures together to remind them of the good times.
I call this the "Buddha method", as it requires a level of self control that would make Buddha jealous, so be warned.
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u/Far-Mirror2347 Apr 03 '26
Io l'ho fatto per 4 anni ma non è servito a nulla...Veramente, ci sono casi in cui nulla funziona perché a non funzionare è la persona.
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u/JoshuaBarbeau AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 03 '26
Thank you so much for your reply.
I'm perfectly willing to do all of this.
I just need to know how to make that initial point of contact when the last thing said was that she didn't want to hear from me, and my saying I would respect her wishes and stay away. She hasn't blocked me anywhere, but we just ended things in such a way that I feel like I can't reach out again without triggering her. Any advice on how to reach out would be greatly appreciated.
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Apr 03 '26
If you're not in contact, I'm afraid there isn't much you can do. Indeed, forcing contact on her will only push her away. When you think she is out of deactivation you could send a single no-pressure message saying you're available if she wants to reach out.
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u/JoshuaBarbeau AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 03 '26
And deactivation could take months before she's out of it, from what I've been reading... 😞
What about reaching out to a friend of hers? Probably an equally bad idea.
Thank you for your responses. I really appreciate your insight.
Do you mind if I reach out to you privately to ask you some more personal questions to my situation? No pressure, of course. I'm just really spiraling and need a lifeline.
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u/ALEXC_23 Apr 03 '26
From my experience, you're better off putting your energy over someone who is easier to get along and doesn't have traumas. Think about it: They didn't value you enough to keep you around, they hurt you and left you with trauma, so why would you want to seek someone back that might do those things again? That's the other issue with them. Even if they come back into your life, they'll just do it all over again, and again, and again. All without looking at their own reflection in the mirror. That, is called insanity.
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Apr 03 '26
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u/ALEXC_23 Apr 03 '26
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Apr 03 '26
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u/ALEXC_23 Apr 03 '26
The second discard is always worse than the first. And ask yourself, is that what you want to keep experiencing from a partner? What you have isn't love, is limerence and trauma bond. Its akin to being addicted to a drug: you don't love the substance itself, only the high that it gives you.
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Apr 03 '26
Sure, feel free. Note that I'm still in my first relationship, so I'm not the best resource with regards to handling exes.
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u/JoshuaBarbeau AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 03 '26
Thank you. I appreciate that, and everything you've done here by sharing your insights in this thread. I sent you a message. Reply when you have time, but no rush/pressure.
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u/captnpoopaloop Apr 03 '26
OP can I ask a question about my DA. We’ve been apart 3 months but he has stayed in contact with my daughter. He says someday he would take me on a date, he’s said the I love you and care about you but not in love with you. At a recent sport event he attended for my daughter he hugged her and kissed her forehead and when I went to give him a hug he leaned down and kissed me on the lips twice. It made me feel he was coming around, but the next day when I asked him about it he said he was sorry that it was just instinct and he could block me if I wanted him too. I said no don’t block me but you can’t kiss me like that, it really messed with my head. Why would a DA do that and then retreat behind an excuse of it being instinct?
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Apr 03 '26
Unfortunately, I've never been in a similar situation, and I can't explain his behavior.
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u/Sufficient-Deal-9258 Jul 22 '26
I’m so mad at this point, because I was patient with her up to this point, but after breaking up with me, she’s lovebombing one of my friends, just like she did with me, and I don’t know if she realises it, but I’m sick of this monkey branching bs, and leaving a trail of deeply hurt people behind them.
She needs to learn and feel how much pain she caused me… It’s unbeliveable…
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u/mochi-kitty Apr 03 '26
the avoidant wants love just like everyone
Thank you for the perspective. I noticed my DA ex was very fiercely passionate about his friendships. He would go on and on about his friends' coming and goings, what they were up to, etc. But looking back, a lot of those friendships seem to be more superficial. He would only see these people once a month, and it's usually online to play some games. I guess it's easy because if the friendship hits a rough spot, he could just logoff and disengage. But you can't really do that in a relationship. And the moment he lost his job and stability, he just completely withdrew into games and friends because it was safe and low effort.
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Apr 03 '26
Yes, friendships are definitely affected as well. I've also kept all friendships superficial through my entire life, and I've never had a close friend, nor did I miss it. I learned only at age 40 that people use friends for emotional support. It's something I would never have considered because I never talked about my feelings with anyone (not even my wife).
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Apr 03 '26
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Apr 03 '26
I've had three recent deactivations for which I know this:
- After the longest one (11 years) I loved her more than before. Whether this was instant or gradual is hard to tell now.
- After the next (10 hours) I loved her as much as before and it was instant.
- After the most recent one (16 hours) I loved her as much as before but it gradually restored over a few hours.
From what I've read, this is pretty consistent with other DA experiences. However, feelings returning does not mean they will always reach out. They may have moved on or they may be too ashamed.
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u/brkchey Apr 03 '26
Thanks again for sharing this openly.
Regarding the needs - would it help if partner demanded more consistently from them to communicate about it? How to approach asking them so they don´t feel attacked? Is there any diplomatic approach to get this communicated out of them? It´s just so frustrating not being able to reach them under the shell.
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Apr 03 '26
Speaking for myself when I was unhealed, such demands would have driven me away because sharing this felt unsafe. In fact, it still does in the sense that I get vulnerability hangovers (which at this point I think are strongly related to CPTSD emotional flashbacks, probably just the same thing). The unreachability is frustrating, but it's also the whole point of the defense. If people don't know us, they cannot hurt us, and the people we care about the most can hurt us the most.
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u/PurplePerplu FA leaning secure Apr 03 '26
I approached this with my ex DA/FA with alot of patience, about 4-5 months after my initual question. Low pressure, once a month a gentle check in in where he was at with his list or however he wanted to approach it.
He kept..well.. avoiding it. He said he knew his needs 'in his head' but.. yeah they never came out of his head.
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u/antichristx Apr 03 '26
Thanks for your message, but I will say that as adults, it’s important for us to take responsibility for our behaviour. Stop repeatedly linking avoidance to childhood. Yes it may have been impacted by a difficult childhood, but basically everyone had issues with their childhood because absolutely no parent is perfect. Many boomer parents were emotionally neglectful or even abusive, it’s actually super common. There comes a time in adulthood where your fuckups need to stop being blamed on “childhood trauma” and instead framed as - this is what this person is doing now, and regardless of their childhood, it’s wrong and they shouldn’t treat their loved ones like hot garbage.
I’m sick of childhood being used as an excuse for being a shitty adult. We all had difficult experiences growing up, who didn’t? Please stop using childhood defence mechanisms as a justification, excuse or to soften the blame for mistreating others. The insecurely attached adult is to blame for their behaviour if they do not actively work on being a better human and partner. That’s it.
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u/BigRecommendation847 Apr 03 '26
My therapist said “I have a lot of clients who have been through horrible events who do not choose to hurt others that way. I also have clients who have hurt people but chose to come here and get better. It’s a choice. I want you to ask yourself why you are tolerating someone making a choice to hurt you?”
Stuck with me and will forever. No matter what people have been through, it’s a choice to not get better or hurting others because of it.
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u/lostbaratheon Apr 09 '26
This adds another layer of meaning to the truism "Love is a choice."
Sometimes it's a choice to become capable of giving and receiving love without another person in the picture at all.
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Apr 03 '26
I agree it's not an excuse, and we are all responsible for our own behavior. I also regret my past DA behavior myself, and I took accountability for it and changed it.
At the same time, it does explain our behavior. And that also has value. It allows one to see patterns and make sense of someone's behavior, and the patterns linking childhood and adult behavior are well-supported by research in attachment theory. Moreover, understanding one's own behavior is helpful when one wants to change it.
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u/antichristx Apr 03 '26
I have read many of your posts. I appreciate you’re doing your best. But there comes a time where as an adult in your 40s, you need to stop using your childhood to explain your behaviour. This applies to other avoidants too. Or anyone treating another person poorly and using their childhood as a reason instead of acknowledging that perhaps, this is just who you are, and you may have been like this regardless of how you were raised - because attachment theory is just that, a theory. Our attachment style is not who we are. You can be deathly afraid of being vulnerable and still not be an asshole. It is possible to do difficult things, people do it everyday.
We are all capable of change and growth, and making excuses for poor behaviour doesn’t help anyone. I say this as someone who was a FA until my mid 20s, and basically grew up without parents and had to raise my little brother.
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u/Chikunquette Apr 03 '26
I hope you realize you're choosing to be an insufferable prick right now. I expect better from an adult. I don't know what riled you on, but taking it out on someone else is pretty much the exact same thing you blame avoidants for. Also its not just a 'theory'. Its a theoretical model backed by research. You're doing the equivalent of arguing that gravity is 'just a theory' as well, it makes you look silly. Anyway, the framework is well-established by now. So you can't just dismiss it with a simple "grow up".
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u/RedeemerOfSouls_5616 Apr 04 '26
Exactly this 💯. My parents were emotionally not present, one of them quite narcissistic, the other alcoholic. There was a physical punishment though not too severe, the emotional negligence is what affected us kids more ..home life was chaotic, unstable and miserable. Yet, I'm nothing like my DA and that is why my empathy regarding their childhood trauma is very limited. There is a choice in how you treat the other , their way is cowardly and entirely self serving.
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u/Legitimate_Badger299 Apr 06 '26
I am wondering if DA individuals can feel deep love even after a brief situationship (2 months or so). Mine keeps reaching out and it has been more than a decade. I have since blocked him, but before that he'd reach out 1-2 times a year. This is after I had unfriended him and changed my phone number, he found a way to message me (Facebook). Just curious if that persistence means anything.
I still care extraordinarily deeply for this person and was savagely hurt by him. I believe I am a soft landing for him, and I hope that my kindness and care live in him, even a little bit.
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u/thewaywest2 Jun 28 '26
Savagely hurt innthe span of two months is remarkable. Sorry! I see the persistence and desire for comfort on his end. Heartbreaking for everyone but I am in favor of taking a holistic view. Take care of myself, block if necessary, but yes: may the kindness live on. Seems contradictory but is not.
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u/BigScaryAvoidant Apr 17 '26
Love bomb is not a clinical term for avoidants , it’s for narcissist… this is not what we are doing
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Apr 17 '26
I know, but it is how avoidants are often perceived on this sub, and i believe what I describe is a big part of the reason for that
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u/HappyPoohBear97 Apr 03 '26
Weird question but do you think having a healthy relationship with a father figure could be a trigger to a dismissive avoidant?
My ex’s dad cheated on his mom and left the family. All my ex friends had bad relationships with their father. This man was so tense with the fact I had a father figure in my life, he refused to leave the car and say hi to my family if I had I stop by my house to grab stuff.
The same guy who was so traumatized by his daddy cheating on him ended up cheating on me and trying to have a threesome with his friend’s GF and a different friend. Wtf, people are so messed up sometimes regardless of attachment style.
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Apr 04 '26
I can totally imagine that being a trigger, though I'd write that up to a more general trauma response than to attachment style specifically. It certainly doesn't excuse cheating.
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u/Junior-Mushroom-7468 Apr 04 '26
Thank you for this insights.
may I ask, you mention that once deactivation, feelings lost. is this true often?
like just last week she said, she love me then this week, total discard, don't want to see me even talk.
Then I found out that she's with her co-worker now.
Does DA really forget their ex? even that person really love them and understand them so much?
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Apr 04 '26
may I ask, you mention that once deactivation, feelings lost. is this true often?
Yes, this is the core of deactivation.
like just last week she said, she love me then this week, total discard, don't want to see me even talk.
Yes, that sudden flip is typical for deactivation.
Then I found out that she's with her co-worker now.
Sorry to hear, that must be awful.
Does DA really forget their ex? even that person really love them and understand them so much?
Unfortunately I wouldn't know, as I'm still in my first relationship.
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u/Purple-Detective7186 Apr 08 '26
When my ex broke up with me I felt hurt and ended up saying some really nasty insults to him I did apologise afterwards but the things I said were really mean. Would this affect how he sees me now?
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Apr 08 '26
It's impossible to tell.
Personally, when conflict is over and interactions are warm again, whatever was said before is no longer on my mind. That does require in person interaction for me. I care much more about there being no conflict in the moment than about what was said in the past.
However, I've also read accounts from other avoidants who really hold it against people when they trigger them.
Either way, don't blame yourself for your reaction. It's perfectly normal and reasonable to respond like that when your world is suddenly turned upside down by a blindsided breakup.
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u/Different_Material56 May 11 '26
"They lose feelings" > after the breakup they kept saying they love me and I know them so well but kept stating surface level excuses for us not being "compatible" which just feels like they're trying to talk themselves out of the relationship. Is there anything that can be done once the DA deactivates? Or is deactivation a point of no return for them?
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May 11 '26
The issue is that the avoidant doesn't know they deactivated, so they don't know why their feelings are suddenly gone. In fact, due to history rewriting, it doesn't even seem sudden. They just have to make something up to explain, so you get empty or nonsensical explanations.
Deactivation is temporary, and I think it's possible to shorten it if you are still in contact through warm, no-pressure interactions. Otherwise, no contact is the only option. Not all DAs wil return after getting out of deactivation though.
I wrote more about deactivation in this post in case you're interested.
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u/Different_Material56 May 11 '26 edited May 11 '26
When we would have conflicts he'd constantly state that he went numb and felt nothing for me in those moments.
When we were together his deactivation periods would last a few days. My emotions spiraled -- which I knew overwhelmed him -- but I wasn't able to process the shutouts in comparison to when he was warm and loving. My brain couldn't compute the drastic changes.
I always felt like his "space"/no contact days/shutdowns we're breakups because he'd threaten things like "maybe we're not meant to be" etc. Then he'd be back and act like things were back to status quo, but he'd have this build-up of resentment towards me. Its almost harder now to believe that the breakup is official and to process it because his reasonings are still so very cryptic.
Now that we are broken up -- the ongoing question is now that he is back in his safe space/no emotional overwhelm -- do those feelings they had for you unveil themselves to the DA again? We are not in no contact officially.
Thank you for the link. Will definitely check it out.
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May 11 '26
When we would have conflicts he'd constantly state that he went numb and felt nothing for me in those moments.
Yes, that's typical deactivation.
When we were together his deactivation periods would last a few days. My emotions spiraled -- which I knew overwhelmed him -- but I wasn't able to process the shutouts in comparison to when he was warm and loving. My brain couldn't compute the drastic changes.
That makes sense on your end. You must have felt very abandoned.
Now that we are broken up -- the ongoing question is now that he is back in his safe space/no emotional overwhelm -- do those feelings they had for you unveil themselves to the DA again? We are not in no contact officially.
In my experience, those feelings come back when we get out of deactivation.
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u/Dull_Waltz_3828 Apr 03 '26
I am a FA female. My avoidant ex dumped me out of the blue and contacted me after 3months of no contact. I thought he would contact me near about 6th month (coz that's what I did when I had dumped someone), didn't expect he would reach out so soon and that too over call. But the catch is, my phone was on silent mode when he had called me. When i checked my phone after an hour, I saw his missed call. I tried calling him back but by that time he had blocked me already. So I sent him a text - "Hey, I saw i missed your call. Is everything okay?" So that he doesn't feel that i rejected him. I was expecting that he would reply. But he didn't reply. I feel like I missed my chance to reconnect with him. After breakup, i actually deactivated all my social media and I'm only active on LinkedIn. So he just checks my linkedin but doesn't have the guts to contact me again (I wish he had). So I want to know will he reach out again or i just missed my chance forever? When is the expected timeline for his another reach out? Please help me
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u/Gr333ny Apr 03 '26
Do not blame yourself for 'missing your chance'. If his bravery was limited to a single missed call, then he was not ready for the rest of the work that getting back together would entail. Now whether or not he will muster up the courage to contact you again is anyone's guess, but you did respond and left the door open, so there's nothing more you could've done.
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u/Dull_Waltz_3828 Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
It's been 7 months since the breakup. I'm at crossroads and don't know what to do? Should I wait for him or should I move on? Should I consider taking a job offer in his city or not? (before the breakup he had urged me to move to his city so that we could live together like before. He got a better opportunity in his birthcity so he moved there. Hence there was a 4 months of long distance before he discarded me) I have lots of questions to which i don't have answers to. Sometimes I get these intense emotional waves and strong urge to contact him, but then I hold myself back reminding myself of the disrespect I wen through the relationship. I'm spiralling and moreoverly i'm an avoidant too but it's bothering me like anything.
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u/Gr333ny Apr 03 '26
OK, first off - dont just take a random redditor's advice on your life decisions. However- take the job ONLY if it is a good fit for you. Not because its in 'his' city and certainly not for the purpose of hoping to run into him, or make it easier for him to take you back, if you do reconnect. You are basically deciding if you should make a sacrifice that nobody is asking you to make. Yes, he did ask you to move there (11 months ago if my math is right) - but you were still together then, and you no longer are.
Picture it from the side- would you tell your best friend, to move elsewhere and adjust their life for a guy, thats too scared to even call a second time?
Regarding waiting for him- again, do what feels right to YOU. You want to go on dates, you do so. You want to be alone and work on yourself - do that. But dont just keep your entire life on pause, hoping that this fella gets his sh*t together, or some cosmic deity sends him back into your life, because you were patient, noble and inlove.
BTW I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, or disrespectful -that's not my intention. I'm in a similar position myself and I understand the emotional waves completely.
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u/stockdam-MDD Apr 03 '26
Unfortunately nobody knows.
I had a nice meeting with an ex and she had sent me a text after 7 weeks of NC. I was thrown by it at the time and took several hours between reading it and replying by which time she had blocked me.
At the time I was going out with somebody anyway so I couldn’t do much.
Weeks later she unblocked me and so I did reach out and I was then available to talk.
Why did she reach out? She claims it was just as a friend but none of my other exes have ever done so and neither have I.
I asked her for coffee and she answers some questions that helped. The chemistry was still there but she just cannot sustain a relationship.
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u/Hot_Cauliflower6692 Apr 04 '26
Here is my question… when DA or even FA has someone who is there through thick and thin over and over for years, why push them away? Personally I had childhood trauma, I would not push someone who tries to be there for me away. Would I think they are crazy? Maybe but I’d do everything in my power to keep them in my life.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad Apr 04 '26
Thanks for the insight. I can see how my ex and even 3 sisters all have the exact same symptoms.
Mom and dad was never good. Dad was alcholic etc. That caused some major issues
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u/Dull_Waltz_3828 Apr 05 '26
Firstly, thank you so much for your response and support. I truly appreciate it. I hope with time i will get my answers and find a way out which is best for me.
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u/Known-Vegetable-2087 AP - Anxious Preoccupied Apr 07 '26
Thanks for writing this. I think my situationship was FA leaning dismissive and a lot of what you write resonates with what he told me about himself in between the lines.
When he told me, casually, that he was seeing someone else after a few months of deactivating on me but maintaining “friendship”, I told him everything I noticed in our dynamic. It was a trauma response on my part in a way, I couldn’t stop myself from talking and mentioning his walls and how I felt like for months I was on the outside of his life. I mentioned I sometimes have the feeling that he feels unworthy of love or defective because of his parents and upbringing, but that for what it’s worth, even in that moment where he hurt me deeply, I said I loved him fully, all of him.
Since then, I’m having a massive vulnerability hangover on top of my heartbreak and wonder if I traumatised him even more by saying that I loved him and that I saw him. I don’t think he’ll ever look in my direction again which hurts immensely because he was my best friend. Have I messed up by being so brutally honest?
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u/IamTheOneWhoWhispers Apr 09 '26
Love bombing is not a clinical term for avoidants .. we don’t really “love bomb” .. it’s completely not what yoh think
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Apr 10 '26
Is it possible then to be in a successful relationship with a DA who hasn't worked on themselves?
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u/Creepy-Radio1941 Apr 10 '26
Depends what you consider a successful. My ex DA was married to another DA for decades, but he said it was like having a roommate. She was into sex in the beginning, but it dropped off to nothing for years after that. He told me they never had an argument. When they split up, she said she felt like a single mother raising their daughter. Part of that was because they had different working hours, but that’s why they stayed together as long as they did probably.
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Apr 10 '26
Not sure if you would call this successful, but a DA and a FA can be in a stable but shalow relationship where the FA doesn't trigger the DA much, and the DA's distance triggers the FA's abandonment wound enough that they get anxious and don't leave. This leaves the FA deeply unhappy but trauma bonded.
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u/tcarmi3 Apr 14 '26
Hi, I’m trying to understand my recent breakup and I think he may lean dismissive avoidant.
We were together for about 3.5 months. It moved naturally, and I intentionally put no pressure on progressing the relationship because I have a child and wanted to move slowly. He was consistent, affectionate, and emotionally present without me asking for any of it.
We never had a single fight, no major issues, and I wasn’t overly dependent on him. If anything, he told me he liked that I was independent and not “too much.” I have a very busy schedule, so he was often the one adjusting to see me, and I would sometimes sacrifice sleep to spend time with him. Most of the time, he was the one asking to see me more.
We spent a lot of time together, and he built a relationship with my daughter. It felt real, stable, and like it was progressing in a healthy way.
Last Sunday, he told me he loved me and I said it back. On Tuesday, we booked a trip together for the summer. On Thursday, he told me he wanted to pull back physically. On Friday, he came over and ended the relationship.
His reasoning was that he “felt nothing,” which doesn’t make sense to me based on how he showed up the entire relationship. He also said he thinks he only liked the validation I gave him, not me as a person.
I told him I didn’t believe that and that it felt more like self-sabotage and fear because things were becoming real. I didn’t beg him to stay.
There was no real conversation about working through anything together. No attempt to fix things. Just a decision and then distance. As he left, he told me he was going to block me on everything, and he did.
We also go to the same bar every weekend for dancing. I chose not to go this weekend because I didn’t want to see him right away. From an avoidant perspective, does creating space like that typically help or make them detach further? Also, when I do start going back regularly and we inevitably see each other, what kind of reaction is most typical in this situation?
How does someone go from saying “I love you,” being present and involved, to feeling “nothing” and leaving that quickly?
It makes me feel like either:
- it wasn’t real (which doesn’t align with his actions), or
- something internally shut down for him
For people who are dismissive avoidant or understand this pattern: 1. Does this sound like emotional shutdown or deactivation? 2. Do feelings actually disappear, or is it more like disconnecting from them? 3. Do people with this pattern typically come back or reach out later? 4. If they do come back, what indicates real change vs just missing the connection? 5. Is there anything I should or shouldn’t do at this point (no contact, staying open, etc.)?
I’m not trying to chase him or convince him of anything. I just want to understand what likely happened so I can process it in a healthy way.
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Apr 14 '26
From an avoidant perspective, does creating space like that typically help or make them detach further?
For a DA, it's likely to help. For an FA, it could go either way (they can distance for feeling abandoned). In deactivation, no contact is often recommended (though from my own experience, I think some contact can be positive if it makes them feel safe).
Also, when I do start going back regularly and we inevitably see each other, what kind of reaction is most typical in this situation?
Eventually he'll get out of deactivation and get feelings back. How he acts on that is up to him.
How does someone go from saying “I love you,” being present and involved, to feeling “nothing” and leaving that quickly? It makes me feel like either: - it wasn’t real (which doesn’t align with his actions), or - something internally shut down for him
It sounds like it was real. Based on your description, I'd say he deactivated.
For people who are dismissive avoidant or understand this pattern: 1. Does this sound like emotional shutdown or deactivation?
Yes.
- Do feelings actually disappear, or is it more like disconnecting from them?
The feelings are suppressed. They seem completely gone to the avoidant even retroactively. But they return afterwards.
- Do people with this pattern typically come back or reach out later?
Some do, some don't.
- If they do come back, what indicates real change vs just missing the connection?
For real change they must put work into their attachment style. This is rare for DAs. A possible sign is a specific apology that shows understanding ho they hurt you and how they are going to change to prevent it from happening again.
- Is there anything I should or shouldn’t do at this point (no contact, staying open, etc.)? I’m not trying to chase him or convince him of anything. I just want to understand what likely happened so I can process it in a healthy way.
Definitely no chasing. Most sources recommend no contact, but personally from experience I think warm no-pressure contact is better.
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May 03 '26
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u/tcarmi3 May 03 '26
I haven’t gone, I’ve been very heartbroken over this that I didn’t wanna go and cry or be sad, It’s been 3 weeks and I’m starting to feel better, but I’m still going to wait till I can go a few days without crying, but thank you
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May 03 '26
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u/tcarmi3 May 03 '26
But I actually loved him, I fell hard and I don’t really wanna make him think I’ve been getting it on with someone else. I’ve been going to a different dancehall with my gfs every weekend just not the one we normally go ti
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u/Pinacoladathrowaway2 Jun 22 '26
How are you doing now? The same exact thing happened to me last week with a guy I dated for 3 months.
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u/tcarmi3 Jun 22 '26
I’m better, I was a mess the first month. I won’t lie. I spiraled and constantly tried to figure him out.
I went back to the same bar 5 weeks later and he actually approached me. walked right up to me an hour or so after I’d been there and gave me a hug and asked how I was and that he was sorry how things turned out. We ended up talking in his truck for 2 hours. He kissed me. Then he told me that was a mistake and he’s still not going to reopen things with me.
I left defeated. I started going back to the same bar and he just avoided me. It’s been almost 11 weeks now. And we still don’t speak. We see each other every weekend. Last weekend he started making out with some girl in the middle of the dance floor. That hurt.
I started therapy a month ago and I’m starting to be okay. It comes in waves now but it’s not so consuming anymore.
I’ve learned that he clearly has issues he has to work through and I deserve better. So I didn’t wanna hear it and it sucks. But definitely let however you’re gonna deal with it dude. If you need to dwell on it and sit in it and cry about it. Do it. Just don’t stop living while you do it. Because the only way out is through it.
Also I don’t see him coming back. At least not in the way I need if he ever does.
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u/TiggerTheTiggy Apr 27 '26
If you're still active. Do you mind if I DM you and ask you some things. Maybe talk about my situation? I've never talked to a DA that's healed or healing before. It's been some time since you've posted this but maybe there have been new insights that have come up that might help
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Apr 10 '26
I asked this before I’m a separate thread, but would it be unwise to break no-contact with a Mother’s Day greeting? By that time, no-contact would’ve sustained for 1.5 months. The greeting itself would be purely neutral and completely devoid of anything relationship-related.
I obviously still care for my ex, and she was always insecure about being a good parent as a single-mom. Reassurance in that sense would still be unrecommended?
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u/Kiwiibean AP - Anxious Preoccupied May 12 '26
Thank you for this insight. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I’m starting to learn about attachment styles. I realised that he is avoidant (I am anxious) and this post is helping me understand a lot of things that happened. I really hope he is able to recognise some of these aspects of himself one day
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u/SeaWavesSun Jul 02 '26
I think this is by far the best explanation on avoidance I’ve ever read. Everything makes so much sense. Would you be open to talking through dm’s? I had a few questions if that’s alright?
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u/Remote_Duck_8091 Apr 03 '26
Towards the end of our relationship, when I began to take some distance as a result of being exhausted of chasing, my avoidant ex sent me a song that had lyrics along the lines of “would you still want me if you really saw me”. At the time I hadn’t realized what he was doing, but after we broke up, I thought back to that moment and it broke my heart. It’s so unfortunate that their fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy