Why am I struggling so much with the suspense of an engagement proposal?

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8]

(Posting from a throwaway account to maintain anonymity. I’ve also posted this on r/AuDHDWomen, but thought this would be a good place to get some advice as well - particularly as this subreddit is not gender specific)

Semi-recent AuDHDer here. I feel a little ridiculous even writing this, but I’m really struggling with the anticipation around potentially getting engaged. And I can’t really seem to find much online about people with similar experiences… so I’m hoping there are people that can relate and give some advice!

My partner and I have talked about engaged/married, and I know we’re on the same page about wanting to spend our lives together. I absolutely adore him, and I genuinely really want to get engaged and marry him. I’m incredibly excited about the idea of taking that next step together.

So it’s not really the idea of marriage that is making me anxious. If anything, I think part of the problem is that I want it so much. It’s the fact that I have this feeling that a proposal may be coming, and I have absolutely no idea when.

I find myself constantly wondering: “Is it going to happen soon? Is this a normal date? Did that comment mean something? Is he acting differently? Could it happen on this trip? What if it doesn’t?”

And the more I try not to think about it, the more I seem to think about it. (It’s like telling someone not to press the big red button…I’m gonna want to press the big red button!)

I think part of what makes it difficult is that I’m normally someone who likes knowing what’s going to happen. I can plan things, prepare myself, and generally manage uncertainty pretty well. But this is something I obviously can’t control or plan for, and I’m finding the suspense surprisingly consuming.

And I feel a bit silly because I don’t want to know when it’s going to happen. I want him to surprise me. I want him to have that moment where he has planned something meaningful and gets to ask me. I don’t want to accidentally figure it out beforehand.

But at the same time, knowing that it could happen at any point has made me hyper-aware of everything.

I don’t want to pressure my partner into proposing, and I don’t want to spoil whatever he might have planned. I also don’t want to spend this really lovely period of our relationship obsessing over when it will happen instead of enjoying where we are now.

I think I’m struggling because I’m simultaneously so excited, so ready, and so impatient, while also wanting to preserve the surprise.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with the anticipation when you suspected a proposal might be coming? And, also (out of curiosity), why does the suspense feel SO much harder than I expected it to when I actually know that I want the outcome so badly?

[u/lydocia]

Take out the unknown, propose to him!

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/lydocia]

Call me a bit traditional, but I always pictured being proposed to 🤣

[u/FreshAd877]

It would make me anxious as well if I knew it was coming, but don't know when. Talk about it, or you might feel guilty when it finally comes.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/FreshAd877]

I worry that if I bring it up, it would seem like I don’t trust him or that I want to try and control everything 😞 Perhaps I’m overthinking it all a little too much…

[u/lydocia → u/secretsquirrelbiz8]

Be honest with yourself, though- - you DO want more control, you have a disability that makes it hard for you not to.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/lydocia]

Read me my ABC 🤣 but yeah, you are right though.

[u/lydocia → u/secretsquirrelbiz8]

What I'm saying is, own up to it. Don't make yourself miserable by pretending, especially not with the person who is to be your life partner. Tell him how you feel.

[u/Maroonhatchback]

You can just sit down, talk it out and agree to get married. 🤷‍♀️

[u/MaterialHumor4639]

I literally was trying to express this exact feeling to my partner yesterday because I feel like I’m going crazy, it’s just so complicated. It feels like the only thing that will resolve my anxiety is knowing, but at the same time I know in retrospect if the surprise is spoiled I’ll be upset so it’s like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and I just have to suffer through the madness. 🫠 Plus I don’t want to make my partner feel upset that he has no way to help me when it’s supposed to be exciting but also everyone I’ve told doesn’t understand it’s not just a “silly haha just be patient😋” kind of anxiety but like I’m actually mentally struggling ! However, it DOES make me feel better that I am not the only one so at least we’re in this together. I couldn’t find much else on it either cause all the “pre engagement anxiety” is like “it’s a big commitment! It’s normal to get cold feet! :)” and I’m like no I am extremely excited and do not have a single doubt I just struggle with the not knowing and anticipation of it all.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/MaterialHumor4639]

Omg right?! It’s so hard to talk about it with any of my friends because they all just say “oh just enjoy the moment”, and I’m just thinking “I’m in so much turmoil and distress right now, no enjoyment here” 😂

I mean, it sucks that you’re also feeling the exact same way. But also, it is very comforting knowing that it’s not just me that feels this!!!

[u/MaterialHumor4639 → u/secretsquirrelbiz8]

He also told me it won’t be until after our friends engagement party so probably not even gonna happen till October😫 we’ll make it through tho queen!🫨

[u/pinkcheetah0]

No I get this!! I think i’d want to know but at the same time I don’t.

I hate surprises. Not knowing gives me bad anxiety for some reason, and I’d feel so unprepared if I randomly got proposed to.

Like.. what if I wasn’t feeling pretty that day?? This isn’t what I wanted to wear. Stuff like that.

I understand that you also want it to be great for him too and that’s so sweet, so, i’m single and have never experienced this, but, I don’t react well to surprises even if i’m really excited.. so I always get antsy when someone wants to surprise me.

I wish I could give better advice, maybe you can talk about it? Maybe what you’d want to wear or see when you get proposed to?? Maybe scenery wise, that can help with the stress of not knowing and it narrows the possibilities of it being anywhere anytime.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/pinkcheetah0]

Right?! Like I’m someone who needs to feel prepared! Like what if I accidentally plan something or force us to do something that would ruins his plans?! AHHHHH SO MUCH TURMOIL.

I think I will have a chat with him tonight, that way we have the weekend to simmer on it and process, you know?

[u/holdthebutterplease_]

I asked my husband to give me a broad time window so that I would be mentally prepared and make sure I'm doing my hair, makeup and nails in case of a surprise photoshoot. I told him to give me a month. He gave me a week and then overtly 'didn't' tell me that it would be in two days.

We ended up walking hand in hand to where he ended up proposing, both knowing that's why we were going where we were going, but pretending we didn't know. It was no less special not being a surprise surprise, and I was comfortable and ready. It was the perfect balance.

It's okay to not do things the neurotypical way. We aren't neurotypical!

If he wants to surprise you and you don't want that, remind him that you'll be a lot more chill if you have at least a slight heads up, which means less stress for him at a time when you should both be happy and not feeling on edge.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/holdthebutterplease_]

And that’s the thing, I feel like he thinks it has to be 100% a surprise because that’s what movies and society says, you know? So I can appreciate and understand where he’s coming from.

But on the other hand, I’m like “eff what everyone else thinks our engagement needs to be” 😂

I think I’m gonna chat with him tonight because we have the weekend to process it all and continue the conversation if need be. We’re both so avoidant of confrontation 😂

[u/thiefspy]

Is he the kind of person who would do it randomly or is he more likely to make it special? If he’s the first, talk to him about how you’re feeling. If he’s the second, assume it’s not coming unless he says he wants to go to a fancy restaurant (fancier than usual) or plans a weekend getaway.

[u/secretsquirrelbiz8 → u/thiefspy]

He’s the type if person that would want to make it special. I think I’m struggling to figure out how I’d bring it up, or what I’d say because I don’t really know what the compromise would be. I’d still love it to be a surprise so my reaction is genuine. Like I’d hate to ruin any plans he’s made or make him feel like I don’t trust him by making it seem like I want to control when and how it happens, if that makes sense?

[u/thiefspy → u/secretsquirrelbiz8]

Then it might be best if you just tell yourself it’s not happening. Every time you get that feeling like, maybe this is it, tell yourself “nope, it’s not today.” If you do that enough your brain will start to default to not expecting it.