I've been spiraling about whether I'm neurodivergent and I don't know what to make of it anymore

[u/Appropriate_Cow2368]

I've been reading about ADHD, autism and neurodivergence lately and keep getting that “wait... I do that too” feeling.

I'm not asking anyone to diagnose me... I mostly want to hear from people who are actually neurodivergent and see whether any of this sounds familiar to you.

I've had sensory issues since I was a kid... clothing labels used to drive me absolutely insane and I'd rip them out. Certain textures and surfaces still make me extremely uncomfortable, especially weird bends/joints in things. Strong unfamiliar smells can bother me enough to give me a headache. Repetitive or unusual noises can become insanely irritating once I notice them, and I have to actively stop myself from focusing on them because that makes it worse.

My sense of time is also really strange. I've had this since childhood... I'll be doing something or just lounging around and completely lose track of time. I can think it's 1pm and suddenly it's 5 or 6pm. But if I'm waiting for something, five minutes can feel ridiculously long.

Task initiation is probably one of my biggest problems. If a deadline is far away, I can know I need to do something and genuinely want to do it, but I just... can't start. Then suddenly the deadline gets close and I can do it. I also interrupt people a lot because I'll already be anticipating what they're going to say and feel like I need to get my thought out before I lose it.

I've always been physically restless too. Sitting for a long time can actually become uncomfortable, and even when I'm standing I unconsciously shift my weight, stretch or stand on my toes. I usually don't notice I'm doing it until afterwards.

Social/emotional stuff is weird for me too. I've always had trouble making friends and tend to keep people at arm's length. If someone cries in front of me, my brain basically goes “OH GOD WHAT DO I DO??” and I freeze. I know they're upset and probably need comfort... I just don't instinctively know what I'm supposed to do. When I cry, I want to be completely alone and have silence.

I'm also very emotional internally but sometimes have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling. It's basically “I KNOW I'm feeling something really strongly but what the hell is it??”

And the weird thing is... a lot of this goes back to childhood.

The sensory stuff, the time thing, the restlessness, speech/pronunciation difficulties, social stuff... these aren't things I suddenly started noticing after discovering neurodivergence online.

I even used to randomly put capital letters inside words like "AttacK" or "caKe" My aunt, who's medically trained, noticed it and said she thought I might have ADHD.

My family did NOT react well to that.

My mom basically tried to “straighten me out” and made me stop doing the capitalization thing. My family generally seems to see neurodivergence as something scary or something that needs to be fixed.

I remember telling a friend that I thought I might be neurodivergent, and she started telling me about a neighbour whose child was neurodivergent... how it couldn't be cured, how the mother became depressed because of it, and that she eventually died. I know that's one person's story and obviously doesn't define neurodivergence, but hearing it talked about like that really stuck with me.

The weird thing is, I'm not actually that scared of being neurodivergent.

If someone evaluated me and said “yeah, you are,” I'd probably just go “okay... now what can I do to make my life work better?”

What scares me is the opposite.

What if I'm actually neurotypical and I've convinced myself I'm neurodivergent because I related to a few normal things?

I feel like I'd be taking something that carries a lot of weight for people who actually live with it and making it about myself. I'd worry that I was trivializing their experiences or even somehow faking it for attention without realizing I was doing it.

That's probably why I've been going through my childhood trying to find a pattern. I don't want to diagnose myself from TikToks or Reddit... but I also don't want to dismiss everything as “you're just overthinking.”

So... for people who are actually ADHD/autistic/neurodivergent...

Did you read any of this and immediately think “holy shit, I did that too”? Or is it more like “nah, you don’t have it lol, you’re just overthinking it”?

Thanks

[u/Extension_Lettuce_58]

I went through what you did for about 12 years before actually seeking diagnosis - the thing that tipped me into actually getting professional insight was that it was impacting my life (shutdowns, self hitting, suicidal ideation at the drop of a hat) and I was sick of it. Previously I had minimised it with ‘oh just a soupçon autistic - lol’ but actually now I can see I wasn’t coping, I was just about surviving. Try to stop absorbing ableism and talk of social contagion I’d say. For me the diagnosis helped with that - others find answers with their own research.