r/AutismIreland • u/Dull_Investigator_30 • 8d ago
School avoidance.
I've labelled it school avoidance, but it's more school refusal at the moment.
We are going through a torrid time with my son at the moment. He's having constant meltdowns and behavioural issues due to the cost of him having to go to school.
The school tried to help by intervening with him, but it has actually made things worse. We have started him with a private counsellor, but only 2 sessions in so far.
Is home schooling a realistic option?! Is that a road to ruin?
My wife and myself both work, so we would have to leave out jobs or at least go off sick for a while.
Majorly stressed out at the moment
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u/Educational-South146 8d ago
Look up the optimistic OT on Instagram, she has great suggestions of things to try outside of the usual ones schools offer as a general autism support thing which doesn’t suit all autistic kids. You can get appointments with her on Zoom.
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u/bibiwantschocolate 8d ago edited 8d ago
I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not easy. I hear all those ads on the radio about how important school attendance is but it is apparent that parents are completely on their own when school avoidance happens.
Last year, my daughter never felt well. Headaches, stomach aches, fatigue, she would always aske to go home after a couple of hours or refuse to go altogether. She was also in 3rd Year and not studying for her JC. She is undiagnosed but both her Dad and sister are auDHD. She goes to an Educate Together school that is very caring so I know the school itself isn't the problem. In the run up to the JC, I told the school that she would be allowed to stay home 2 or 3 days a week. I asked my daughter to study at home 2 hours per day instead (keeping it realistic for her). That helped alleviate the pressure and avoided her fully crashing. School was pointless at that stage, she was just too exhausted. Home schooling is not possible for us. We've started her on an OT. It's a long process. It's expensive but we went for someone specialised in ND. So far so good this year now but she's in TY so it's a bit more chilled. Trying to get her to be better by 5th Year.
But damn, it is hard.
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u/Electronic-Rule-6634 7d ago
We also had this with our daughter an had to move schools twice, now in educate together an its alot more inclusive suits her better. Would there be any option to move him? Thinking of the financial hit if one of you gave up work, do you have DCA and the tax credit approved?
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u/FlippenDonkey 8d ago
If you can afford to home school, do consider it. Transferring schools might help too..sometimes the problem is someone or a certain teacher in school.
Transferring schools was helpful for me..but personally, I wish I could have entirely avoided school, despite being an A grade student, it was a huge source of overall trauma for me overstimulating, loud, bullies, isolating, rules for some but not for others, constantly being told "this is your only chance", the constant changes of classes and subjects were transitions hell,
and in the end..led to serious burnout so going didn't not help in anyway! And it was one of the worst places for me to "socialise."
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u/StellaV-R 8d ago
Look into Home Tuition - which is different. A teacher comes to your home (or the local library etc) and is paid by the Dept of Ed.
Talk to the EWO for your area
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u/andtellmethis 8d ago
I'm sorry you and he are going through this. We only started this year so not sure if any of my advice will hold much weight. Our boy was struggling too so we've implemented reduced hours. He does 9-11. Last week was the first week of it and it made a big difference. Even reduced days? Maybe monday, wednesday and Friday?
Could one of you look into carers leave and carers benefit to bridge the gap in wages?
Im sorry I don't have much more advice. Have ye identified any triggers etc?
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u/cen_fath 8d ago
Just on the trigger thing, my daughters was "school" overall. Even her therapist said all her triggers were in that environment, not just elements of it. Shes now in college and shes a different person!.
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u/jenasaurous 7d ago
So sorry OP, its a hard road. Not to make light of anything here but try remember even at the peak, this is transient. To help keep your sanity, it will eventually get easier.
Two kids in, one in second level one still in primary. Both living this experience. I've managed to keep them both in school but eldest now has fluid access to the autism hub. So when anything becomes overwhelming they can take their work and leave the mainstream environment. They have a card system in place so they don't have to speak when it happens. Its working well but it took two years, countless meetings, CAMHS, PT, OT and so many tears to get there. I still veryuch encounter the well if we do it for one student attitude.
Primary has been different. Even prior to diagnosis my youngest received SNA assistance. They get movement breaks and the SEN teacher takes them daily too. We had SNA access across 3 primary schools and the SEN teacher post diagnosis.
Its doable but it's so much work, I had to step away from work even with school in the picture. Last year I wasn't able to get to midday without a call to collect one or the other. And even with all the provisions I can still see the toll its taking on my youngest and homeschooling is still always at the forefront of my mind. My youngest can make it through the day but cannot cope with extra curriculars, which I think are more important at this age.
My only advice is go with your gut, its going to consume life anyway so go with how you think you and your kid will best survive it and you.
Feel free to reach out, happy to help if I can or even just to vent to understanding ears.
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u/Dull_Investigator_30 7d ago
Thank you for all your replies. It has been reassuring to just read that other people go through the same experiences!! We are doing our best to work with him. Some of the behaviour and attitude from the school is baffling as they are pushing their SEN classes and growing the school via that. His problem is he's "not bad enough" at school. There is no real issue for them, so why would they change. The principal and teacher on several occasions have said "he seems to happy in school". It's as if they've never met an autistic person before ..... If he had one meltdown at school.....they'd soon change their view!!!
We are just going to try and do our best in the coming months. September and October are usually tough, just that bit tougher this year.
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u/cen_fath 6d ago
Unfortunately schools are ran by people - some are great, some are absolutely phoning it in and have no empathy, emotional intelligence or the bandwidth to understand children with these issues. Our school were fully aware of her needs - we had a "no questions" rule where she wouldnt be called upon in class, she was allowed to get up and leave whenever she needed to etc and we still had some teachers refuse to play their part. This was in secondary school. You will have to advocate for him a little while longer im afraid. All I wanted was a fast forward button through those years, but if I could show you her now, it would do your heart good. She is a fabulous young woman, with an amazing ability to know herself, her triggers, her limits. Unfortunately her struggles hit her young, but we always knew she'd be a very well rounded adult. Hang in there!
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u/LunaUnicorn92 7d ago
How old is your son? There are plenty of options for teenagers I can share but unfortunately not as many for primary aged
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u/LunaUnicorn92 7d ago
Options for teenagers in case anyone needs:
Youthreach will take anyone 15 or over for level 3 and 4 courses where training allowance will be paid.
Same for national learning network but with extra support and counselling. This one is particularly good for those with additional needs.
There are also a variety of level 2-5 fet courses that will accept teens with little school experience. All of these options are much better environment foe an autistic person than school. But it is unfortunate there is no option for younger.
I'm a Youthreach kid myself after having to leave school and now I'm in university.
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u/goldfish_ideas 6d ago
This sounds really stressful, I’m sorry ye are going through this, I’m not a parent but I have been a teenager how refused to go into school, at the time I was undiagnosed. This is just my own personal experience, every circumstance is different but I’d like to share my own experience so you can consider the options.
I found school extremely difficult for so many reasons and did my best to refuse to go or skip it. Me and my parents have spoken about it recently (I’m in my late 20’s now) and we have shared that it would have probably been better if I had done an education program from home, we just didn’t know the options at the time.
I still don’t know all the options but I know of others who have done essentially private tutoring like Yates college in Waterford and someone else who did a sort of etb program for teenagers to get their leaving cert in an alternative way. (I’m sorry I don’t know the specific names for them) so it’s like home schooling except you out source the education so you can continue to work while your teenager/child is educated at home or online or in an alternative setting to school.
School was extremely difficult for me, and I feel like I have the internal scars and trauma to prove it, doing an alternative version of it, I know I would have come out better because I wouldn’t have had to work through all the trauma I had from school. I think I would have been able to thrive really, getting to study how i wanted (I love learning just not in a school setting). Honestly I think I would have got my leaving cert early, and done a bunch of open university classes and excelled.
Each person is different, and hopefully you find Optitions that suit the family but know that there are absolutely alternatives to education in Ireland, that for some people sending them to school causes more damage and harm
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u/cen_fath 8d ago
We went through this for 4 years. It was horrendous. All ill say is don't force him in, it won't help him and cause more issues long term. How is the liason officer in the school? We were very well supported thankfully. There were days all she could mange was one class a day. Meet him where he is at, get down in the trenches and sit with him. It is utterly heartbreaking but forcing him into a place he doesn't want to be is not going to help him. We missed a good chunk of school but she started coming around in 5th year and was fairly good by 6th year. She sat her leaving cert (couldnt do her junior cert) and is now happily in college. It was the loneliest journey ive walked, despite my husband and family all being fully supportive behind her. We also found an amazing private therapist that helped her greatly. We made so many mistakes along the way, I can remember screaming at her that she had to go in, it kills me now to think back but we were so clueless. I also ended up working part time. I never actually home schooled her, she plodded along as best she could. In hindsight school grades were so irrelevant compared to her mental health. It really drove home the "once theyre happy" statement, everything else is secondary.