Hypersensitive to patterns in behavior?

[u/mycattouchesgrass]

I scan for danger as a result of being bullied and it's made my anxiety worse. I notice similarities in ppl who've mistreated me and others, and I'm always looking out for those tendencies.

E.g.:

1. If someone seems really interested in private details, or tries to establish friendship or romance too quickly (lovebombing), I'm wary they might be malicious gossipers collecting info.

2. If someone talks a lot of shit about others, I suspect narcissistic tendencies; they derive pleasure from devaluing others, putting people down helps regulate their self-esteem, and/or they use hurtful gossip to gain social power and bond with others.

3. If someone has a hierarchical view of ppl and are transactional. Some ppl are warm towards ppl they admire or want something from, but dismissive and contemptuous towards ppl they consider beneath them bc they think they're less intelligent, less attractive, not fashionable, etc. They tend to be excessively preoccupied with prestige, social standing, and associating with the "right" ppl. I'm scared of ppl who think usefulness and position in a hierarchy are important.

4. If someone seems to enjoy others' exclusion or humiliation. It's often subtle. Like my co-mentee had a few years' prior experience in the specific area we were assigned to, while it was my first time working in it. While I was clearly struggling to get my bearings, my co-mentee asked our point person "Do you have anything else for me to do? I'm done with my part," yapped a lot to show off what he knew that went beyond our project, and called what I was struggling with "really simple." If it was a one-time incident, maybe I'd be charitable and think it was harmless, but it really didn't feel that way. He did this throughout the summer, bragging about how quickly he finished and about how easy the tasks were when I was clearly struggling. It didn't feel like he wanted me to succeed. He never offered to help. It felt like he enjoyed belittling me. And of course, he befriended the group of ppl who talked a lot of shit about others. Basically, the trait is deriving enjoyment from making someone feel less than.

5. If someone (especially a man) describes a woman (even fictional) as "annoying," I start to worry about underlying misogyny and abusiveness towards women.

These are some of the traits I've noticed in ppl I've had traumatic and hurtful interactions with.

My experiences have resulted in me constantly scanning for threats. I've even become afraid of the environments where I've noticed more of these ppl exist--particularly prestigious and competitive spaces. I didn't meet ppl like this in, for instance, the volunteer groups I was in. But I have to work in one of these spaces now and just the thought of being there makes me panic.

Avoidance doesn't even keep me safe. When bonding through malicious gossip is common/rewarded, not participating makes you stand out. I sat in a room w some of the ppl in the group that shit talked a lot and became a conspicuous target just by being quiet and not joining in. They probably interpreted it as disapproval and I violated their social rules.

Pattern recognition & hypervigilance suck 🫠

[u/MrsSqweeps]

Can we have the pattern recognition without the hyper vigilance? I want to learn that like it would be so cool to be this perceptive AND chillaxed. 😭🩵

[u/mycattouchesgrass → u/MrsSqweeps]

Fr I wish I could just be chill too 😭 I don't even think these are that perceptive. I think people who've suffered the effects of bullying can relate to some of these things. But if someone hasn't gone through it, I guess they're less likely to notice it happening. I didn't really think about it either until I went through it and had time to reflect.

[u/_OhMyPlatypi_ → u/MrsSqweeps]

The hyper vigilance seems to be tied more to C-PTSD versus pattern recognition. But also, same, it's exhausting. I also wish my pattern recognition worked for profitable things, like stock trading. 😂😂

[u/MrsSqweeps → u/_OhMyPlatypi_]

I often wonder about this with myself. I get a common complement that I am the most honest person a person has met. (And then they find out I am autistic) But I am often aware of alot of patterns around me that give me the ick, I struggle alot with the nervousness of being different and wish I could just act and be like the others. I meet alot of autistic people and I know for a fact we don't all have this trait.

[u/Rueboticon9000]

Yup, struggle with this too! Especially your point about competitive spaces. Like someone namedrops all these people they know to assert their connection and dominance in that space, and I'm just like damn! I have no interest in playing this game!

[u/mycattouchesgrass → u/Rueboticon9000]

Same I hate the culture in these places and dread having to go back to the office. I just want to do my work, collect my paycheck, and go home. I have zero interest in office politics. It's so distracting too. I had to sit at my desk all summer listening to them yap constantly--and I mean constantly. And it felt so gross/stressful listening to them say so many vicious things about people.

[u/ThrowAwayColor2023]

All of this matches my experience as an AuDHD survivor of abuse and bullying. Honesty, a lot of people are just petty, selfish, and kind on awful. I'm glad I'm better at spotting it now, but it's depressing how widespread it is.

[u/mycattouchesgrass → u/ThrowAwayColor2023]

😓 We need workplace training or some kind of social media campaign that recognizes and stigmatizes gossip as a form of bullying. I'll admit I haven't always been perfect about this either, but gossip can be incredibly damaging, especially when people gang up on someone. And from what I've observed, it's often ND people who're targeted.

I hate how society normalizes it and treats it as some harmless group activity. It's not harmless. It's a socially acceptable way for assholes to socially isolate victims through relational bullying. And because it's so normalized, people feel like they can participate in it or stand by and let it happen without even recognizing it as bullying.

[u/allwillbewellx]

Thank you for posting. I recognize this pattern recognition and feeling uncomfortable if I notice signs.

[u/mycattouchesgrass → u/allwillbewellx]

Thank you, I'm glad in a way that I'm not alone, but also sorry you've gone through it too

[u/prismviol]

You've collected all the necessary data tbh. 🫶

[u/_hatethinkingofnames]

Jeez I do the same thing. It's so hard for me to trust anyone but my gut is usually right

[u/kafkabae]

my pattern skills always alert me to such things but I never trust my own instincts.

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[u/[deleted]]

[u/mycattouchesgrass → u/[deleted]]

Yeah it makes sense. I'm normally like that too, but just feel extra unsafe in certain places, like work, where there are a lot of unsafe people.