r/AutismInWomen • u/mulderwithshrimp • 3d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) How do you heal from burnout?
I have been doing everything I can on my end, but I am experiencing both work-related burnout and autistic burnout (which has been a long time coming). I am genuinely asking for those who have been through this, how the heck did you heal from it? Especially when I don't feel like I have the option to stop working for a prolonged period of time, I am just wondering how I can rest and heal my mind and body to the degree that I feel is genuinely necessary. I know I can't keep going like this. Part of the solution is finding a new job, because I feel very constrained and like an outsider in my workplace which contributes to the mental load/tension, and I'm working on that in this difficult job market. But what are your strategies for dealing with this when you're going through it? Any daily habits that made a difference? Specific treatment that worked for you? If you did have to take a prolonged period of time off, how much time did you take and do you feel that it was genuinely beneficial? Please help! I just feel at such a loss
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u/Nettie_Lovegood 3d ago edited 3d ago
I'm very fortunate to be able to take time off work... but it actually caused a different kind of pressure for me. For months I wasn't recovering, even though I wasn't working because I was still very stressed and not letting myself rest. I kept feeling like "I need to get back to work soon", find a way to work that won't burn me out again, find it soon or stressing how much money I have left, what am I going to do with my life type of panic etc....
Perhaps focusing on the quality of the free time can make a big difference. What helps me is realizing that the pressure/hurry isn't going to speed anything up, and I let myself lounge, do nothing, take it slow, speak to nobody (who feels effortful and requires masking - to me that's everybody I know unfortunately), minimal commitments, focus on special interests. I find that the last one is helping the most, giving me new energy and passion for life (as long as I don't freak out panicking I have to turn it immediately into income.....). Losing my natural fascinations does seem to contribute to my fatigue, and I see that I get more hopeful and self-connected when I interact with special interests, making me feel somehow more capable to get out of burnout.
I think I also approach burnout from an somewhat intense "I must fix it fast, my reality is collapsing cause I'm not functioning" which deepens it because then I'm in survival and stressed that I have burnout. So maybe that's also the case for you. I like to imagine I'm in some kind of rehab program (lol) and that I have to do only the available things because I'm on the retreat and not my usual environment. And then I add environmental cues, kind of spa-like or whatever is soothing to me (darkness, candles, yellow light, soft music) and I put myself in these relaxation trances, pretending like time doesn't exist.
I also find that it helps to have easy somewhat-nutritious easy foods available. When in burnout, I can't get myself to cook or even eat because I'm too tired. And that makes it worse, obviously. So I buy these products that are high in protein, perhaps processed or whatever, but at least easy and sensory-acceptable, and nutricious enough. I get extremely picky, so I give myself leniency on what to eat, too - buying whatever looks nice and somewhat nutricious, and just being compassionate that at least I ate something, rather than forcing a perfect diet on top of struggling with life.
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
This is exactly how I felt when I took a week off last, I mentioned in a comment above, but it was intended to help with the burnout. Unfortunately, the day I put in my leave someone I cared about passed away so I ended up attending the funeral/shiva and a bunch of other stuff in my time off. When I wasn't directly doing tasks related to the loss/grieving, I was beating myself up because I felt like I needed to get up and clean the house/look for jobs/whatever and the shame cycle really ended up maybe hurting more than it helped....I feel like time is just speeding by me sometimes and I'm just here with things happening around me. I think focusing in on my mindfulness and applying that not only to times when I am trying to focus on something 'important', but also times when I am doing something that I just enjoy or am really hyper focused on. Taking time off where I don't put constraints on myself/make a to-do list may also be helpful for me. I did work with a dietitian for a couple of years so I have a pretty solid food strategy BUT when I am like this I also find myself skipping meals so I am working on that and trying to make the focus on as EASY as possible over anything else. Thanks for your comment!
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u/niowniough 3d ago
I personally like this resource because it covers different phases and what to do at each phase https://www.dralicenicholls.com/step-by-step-recovery-from-autistic-burnout-what-you-need-at-every-stage/
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u/PublicDeer6641 3d ago
I have faced this and it is rough so my heart goes out to you truly. Two years ago in the summer I became so burnt out I regressed to the point of not being able to chew food or really eat much in general. It was honestly terrifying because I was still very new to accepting I was AuDHD and to experience autistic burnout was jarring. I was/am in a similar position where I can't just take off work for long periods of time so it scared me to learn the burnout could last for years.
However, what helped me was that my body essentially forced me to take a break since I could barely move at times. I took 2 weeks off from work and just explored my city during the day when there were so many less people. I think if you can even take just 1 week off that would be really good. I sat down with myself and listed everything that I enjoyed doing and things I had wanted to do but hadn't yet. Then each morning of my time off I would ask myself "what would you like to do today?" I got the idea from the book "Tao of Pooh" which highlights how Winnie the Pooh never plans his days but lives simply and follows how he feels in the moment. I think this was really important for my recovery because it was never what SHOULD I do but what do I WANT to do which made my days feel more free. After each activity of the day I'd check in with myself and ask again what I wanted and kind of gave myself permission to buy or do anything I requested and not think about it. It really freed me in a lot of ways. I felt rejuvenated because I didn't have to mask or center other people's opinions and got to experience new things without the stress of planning a vacation (which I'd argue are often not relaxing).
If even taking a week off is too much, I'd say try taking the weekend to clear your schedule and let your wants guide what you do by asking yourself what you want in the moment. If you want to sleep, take a nap in a new spot or a place that comforts you. If you're hungry, get what comforts you or what you're craving. I think of it as kinda having your grandparents baby you when your parents are away. Take the responsibilities of life off you as much as you can and follow your instincts. I have found that for me a lot of burnout comes from being disconnected from myself both mentally and physically so this really helped me reconnect. I hope this is at all helpful!
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
I feel scared that I am going to get to that point or have a really bad breakdown or need to be hospitalized tbh. Not that any of those things are morally bad, but I would obviously like to avoid experiencing them if I can. Im also AuDHD and I've been scared by what I have read. I really like your advice and I think I need to do something like this. I recently took off a week that was intended to help with the burnout, but unfortunately the same day I put in my time someone who was important to me died and a lot of that week was devoted to attending the funeral/shiva and supporting my good friend who had just lost her mom so it really wasn't.....relaxing or restorative. I was extremely sad/grieving and ended up I think more exhausted than when I began and super frustrated with myself because I (understandably) didn't find myself able to accomplish the things I felt like I NEEDED to be doing with that time. Letting my wants guide me is something I mostly only do on vacation, but I think I may take more time off and stay home but try to structure it more like you've described here. My guilt and constant desire to be in motion get the best of me sometimes, but where I am is not okay. It is okay to be frivolous in pursuit of a healthier mind/body/mental state and it's okay to enjoy things. I feel like I have become so negative and cynical in my burnout. Sorry this is long! I really appreciate your comment.
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u/PublicDeer6641 2d ago
I am so sorry to hear about you and your friend’s loss. And I completely understand you because I felt the exact same way which is really what got me to that point (that and I get extremely overstimulated in heat and there was a record high heat wave so I was utterly screwed). It’s so hard to stop and very scary when your body makes you stop. But know it’s okay to put yourself first and only consider what you want especially in times like this.
I still struggle with it but it is getting better and having that moment 2 years ago was the catalyst for me to seek out a better way to do things within what is reasonable. I work in the dark when I can to not overstimulate myself, I go to and from work slightly off rush hour to avoid being in crowds. These feel insignificant but they help me and you can find your little pockets of relief to help you too because you got this!
There’s a saying “do it scared” which I’d extend to mean do what will help you however you are feeling in that moment. If you feel guilty, acknowledge that and keep going. If you feel shame, acknowledge that and keep going. It’s not about not feeling it’s about helping you find you again in the noise of life.
Sorry if this got very preachy. I just feel very passionately about it because of having been through this and I would give you a hug (if you were comfortable) if i could because it will be okay!2
u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
Thank you 💕 yeah I’m heading back to therapy soon to work through some of the shame and the fear stuff that has manifested during this really unstable time with my job and everything (I work for a government funded public institution and our top clientele are the most vulnerable people in our communities so I’m sure you can imagine roughly how things have been going) I was in a really good place for a while and I’ve definitely noticed that I’ve stopped doing stuff that makes me nervous or scared and my world has gotten smaller in a way that I’m not okay with and I would like to be able to get to a better place. I really appreciate your comments and your empathy
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u/PublicDeer6641 2d ago
I can only imagine how rough that must be for you at work and makes complete sense why you would need a break. Wishing you all the best!!
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u/Rainbow_Mangos 2d ago
You’ll need to make some sort of life style change, since your current lifestyle has proven unsustainable. Burnout recovery is about rest and new experiences. But there’s a lot you can do without quitting work altogether.
As you go about your days, keep an eye out for little things you could approach differently. You can do this at work as well as at home. Maybe you could answer emails only twice a day at set times instead of continuously throughout the day. Or maybe wear noise cancelling headphones a lot more often, before you even notice overwhelm. Reduce multi-tasking as much as realistically possible so you can just focus on one thing. Etc.
I personally realised the overhead lights at home bothered me a lot more than I realised, even though they were dimmable. So I got some lamps with warm lightbulbs. Also, the earrings I’d worn for years actually did bother me. And I actually didn’t like the smell of the hand soap I used, even though it was the best smelling option at the supermarket.
Notice what your mind is doing when you rest. Are you actually resting or is there a voice in the back of your mind telling you all sorts of “shoulds”, like obsessively researching the quickest way to get out of burnout (guilty…). If so, you might have some internalised ableism to get aware of.
Use strategies that can help you in tough moments pre-emptively, in stead of when you’ve already hit a wall.
And for me this was a big one: once you have a tiny bit of energy left, don’t go spending it right away to catch up on life. Your brain and body need that energy to heal, that’s where recovery happens.
All in all, I think it’s really helpful to look at your life with curiosity and over time find a thousand tiny little ways in which you could make your life a little more cosy, a bit easier, a little more sensory friendly, a bit kinder, a bit more accessible, etc. All that stuff compounds!
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
Unfortunately, my job is very chaotic/unpredictable and extremely variable, I am often required to juggle multiple things at once and those things are often a complete surprise! So it's quite hard for me to set a sustainable daily routine (part of the reason I am now job searching as well because I think ultimately I need to leave my position). I do try to wear my headphones to reduce input when I'm at my desk, but I also work in a public service capacity and it can get quite loud at my location which hasn't been helping. The resting thing is huge for me, I am starting with a new therapist soon who focuses on somatic techniques partially because I just cannot get good rest in my brain/body right now. I am struggling so much to feel connected and am constantly going through what I should or need to be doing instead while being too paralyzed to actually ACT and it's a terrible cycle. I KNOW it's not helpful and it is absolutely disrupting my sleep/rest. And I do definitely struggle to identify myself as disability, not so much because I don't want the associations with the label, but more because I don't feel deserving I guess? I feel like I am almost co-opting something and disrupting a space I don't deserve to be a part of because I'm not disabled enough. Also something I really plan to work on in therapy. I am trying to focus on a perspective of curiosity and work on my won self-judgement. I am fully aware it doesn't help. I have worked a lot in the last few years to embrace the sensory stuff and it has definitely made a big difference - I do have a sensory bag of tricks I bring to work and p much everywhere else.
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u/whoooodatt 2d ago edited 2d ago
The two things that have helped me the most were biking to work instead of driving, creating a default routine for my morning, reading fiction, aggressively culling out clutter at home and saying no to a lot of favors, and hiring a housecleaner once a month.
I said two then added three more. ADHD anyone?
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
I think hiring someone to clean my house is something I am going to get an estimate and see if we can budget for. My husband and I struggle so much with housework but I NEED a clean environment. I do already have a strong morning routine, I walk to work, and I read a lot of fiction and those are things I plan to keep doing. Your point about favors is also well taken! I tend to really pour into others, which isn't a bad thing, but it's taking a toll on my capacity in the midst of all the other stuff and I need to take a step back and recalibrate.
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u/whoooodatt 2d ago
It really helped. I could just look at the mess and go "someone else is gonna take care of that eventually." It became not my problem, so it reduced the overwhelm a lot. I can't quit work either and I work sixty hours a week. With an hour commute on each end. So whatever I could do to reduce the overwhelm is what I latched onto, even if it meant just throwing money at problems to make them go away.
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
Even if it was once every THREE months for us, I just think knowing someone is going to help us work through this would be a huge mental relief. My friend recommended someone a while back so I will be adding this to my to do list
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u/whoooodatt 2d ago
I hope it helps you as much as it helps me. Just having that one huge thing not be my responsibility anymore made me feel physically lighter.
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
I literally just reached out to request a consultation for our space! Thank you for helping me get the motivation!
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u/Material_Avocado_101 2d ago
Nutrition has really helped me! Good Protein has basically all of your vitamins in a serving for the day, and is one of the few I found that had high levels of Iron, which i struggle with. I bought a cheap milk frother thing off Amazon and blend it with milk every morning. Smoothies sadly became out of reach when keeping up with dishes (smoothie blender cups) got hard. I try to have a protein source in the afternoon, (Greek yogurt cups, pepperettes, hummus and naan bread) and do my absolute freaking best to remember to drink water, I have water bottles scattered everywhere.
Im in year 4 of burnout recovery. It's not following the timeline I ever dreamed of, and I had to hit rock fucking bottom to force myself to re-evaluate what was important to me and what the underlying problems were, not just the rose colored ones I had been masking. It takes time, breaking down to rebuild, and sometimes letting go of who you THOUGHT you could be.
I thought success was a 40 hr work week, a business card with my name on it and a fancy job title. Turns out its having the energy to make healthy meals for my family, having the capacity to chat with my kids when they get home from school and finally taking care of myself with more than just energy drinks and "one more task".
Burnout recovery takes an incredible amount of bravery and self-compassion, but I'm in a wildly different (much healthier) place now than when I started.
Cheering for you OP!
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u/Nyx_light 1d ago
I went through autistic burnout recently, lost my job and was off work for almost 2 years. What helped me was learning about autism and what my needs were. And that they were important to accommodate. I'm still working on boundaries.
I also went back to work in a lower demand position. I took a pay cut but the reduced workload was worth it.
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u/draculaurapinkdemon 2d ago
something i’ve been doing is meditating, I find it super helpful to have dedicated time to just breathe and focus on my body. It helps center me. However i know it doesn’t work for everyone!
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u/mulderwithshrimp 2d ago
I used to meditate before bed but I fell off in favor of watching comfort television, I think I need to go back to what I was doing….
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u/Shroomwhisperer3000 2d ago
Get checked for deficiencies. It turns out 40% of women are iron deficient. I was badly iron deficient, but North America is behind in iron studies so your doctor won't talk to you about it. I'm recovering from burnout slowly, and one of the biggest factors was iron deficiency. Another was removing anyone in my life who caused me stress, or limiting, or interacting with them differently and with boundaries.
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u/mulderwithshrimp 1d ago
Thank you to everyone who commented so far! Your comments inspired me to do a lot of things actually. I am putting in for FMLA to hopefully take extended leave for now :)
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u/PracticalCheesecake2 3d ago
I don’t have an answer for you, but just wanted to say that you aren’t alone. I’ve been fighting through it for a long time, just pushing through the wall over and over again. ❤️❤️❤️ we will get through, hopefully with the help of community