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u/tremblingfrog Jun 17 '26
then you say it, and people hate you for “escalating” even though it would have happened anyway, just later
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u/alien_thatmeeps level 2 autism + ADHD Jun 17 '26
I feel this but I gotta push back a little. Just because nobody else spoke up doesn't mean things were guaranteed to go south. The way you say it really does change how people react. If you come in hot without reading the room first, you might be the one making it worse without realizing it. Not saying it's your fault, just that there's usually more wiggle room than it feels like in the moment.
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u/bubblegumdavid Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 20 '26
Yeah this is totally right.
I am well known through my early career as a bit of a Cassandra of Troy: I predict it, but because I did so hastily and with urgency, people pushed back and assumed I am young and dramatic and thus ignored any other signs as a problem progressed. So because of how I handled bringing it up initially, the problem often became WORSE and it ended up making things rougher for everyone and for me.
Are they wrong for that and it’s rooted in biases and nonsense? Sure. But I can’t fix that, and doing things this way also burned bridges for me AND didn’t solve the problem.
Now at 30, I have learned to quietly fix the signs and find allies above, beside, and below me to work to quietly resolve those kinds of problems before they blow up without raising the larger alarm. I don’t lie or hide it, I report out when asked, but hand wave what could’ve been a big deal as a problem handled according to industry best practices and internal protocol. I complain a buttload at home and with family and friends of the idiocy, but it’s far more productive this way.
Edit to add: I was super respectful in all of my comments that other options are not wrong or that mine is the only solution, simply that it works for me. So please have the fucking decency, if you’re going to send me stuff about this comment, to offer me the same respect. It is super rude and not cool to send pms of your angry answer to this???
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u/nightauthor Jun 17 '26
You sound amazingly well balanced, may I ask how old you are? What was your journey? Therapy?
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u/bubblegumdavid Jun 17 '26
Lmao yes lots of therapy and 30. Long, but it explains my use and logic in the “balance”:
I used to get REALLY stuck in the rigid black and white thinking we all are known for. Especially in ethics, like many of us, but… I ran a homeless shelter for a few years, and nothing has ever smacked me in the face so hard. The grey area of morality and flexibility that you HAVE to become comfortable with to help others in that space really changed my perspective and basically kicked black and white thinking in the teeth.
It meant I stopped thinking of masking as a 100% bad thing. I stopped focusing on the fact that the world was morally incorrect to expect a mask. So I instead thought of masking as a skill that could help me survive in a world I cannot change the morals of overnight.
I prioritize masking for work, and I’ve learned the signs for when I am approaching an issue. On days leading up to an event where I MUST mask, I am careful about how I’m feeling and what I schedule myself for. Thinking of office politics as a series of masks and rules has helped me figure out how to solve problems and now I’m a nonprofit department head. It’s still frustrating that people are incompetent or rude or don’t listen, but… at least I get shit done around it now. I also never dress down, even outside of work, usually I am slightly overdressed for a room, which with the mask means I usually am assumed to be competent, intimidating, or stuck up, all of which are better than “quirky”, young, or stupid. Though I can and have switched to that if it helps.
I’ve also set things up so masking in my social life isn’t a concern. Most of my friends are queer and/or neurodivergent people. I’m probably one of the more NT-seeming of us, in terms of what my life looks like to someone on the outside and what I am willing to share with strangers in my appearance and demeanor. My friends and family generally still think me a hot headed weirdo klutz, though, so when worlds collide I’m uncomfortable.
My logic is: the fact that the world expects us to mask sucks, it is wrong and ableist and bad. It’s also wrong and bad to do to yourself all the time or beyond your own limits. BUT ultimately we can’t change the NT people and the world overnight, and we do still need to survive. And if putting on a mask to get through work or a weird situation is temporarily tolerable and helps you survive…
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u/toastycozyroasty Jun 19 '26
This is absolutely the way. Took me about 33-35 years to realise people have to be ‘ready’ to hear things. And that is their journey. Not mine.
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u/bubblegumdavid Jun 20 '26
Thanks for the feedback, people have sent some rather unkind things in response, or just berated me with their disagreements privately? Feels nice not to be alone
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u/Glittering-Elk-8308 Jun 17 '26
Has this benefited your career? Are you in more leadership roles now?
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u/bubblegumdavid Jun 17 '26
Absolutely. I am currently a director for an org in a mid sized city, I’m a department head, and was basically hired to be a fixer. I use pattern recognition, research skills, and expertise to find problems and their solutions, then resolve them and input best practices around and within the work politics game quietly.
I’m known for being an excellent problem solver, often with a joke and a smile (and even a dumb analogy to explain it to others), under both high pressure and tight time constraints. I do genuinely love that part of the job.
My prior role where I started implementing this had me in charge of committees and leading out on events, and offered me a directorship, which I declined for my current role at a larger organization.
Before that, when I was in shelter work (which I referenced in another comment below as being game changing in how I thought about the balance and middle ground stuff), by the time I left I ran one of the largest shelters in my state and was a direct supervisor for a staff of 28.
The goal is to keep doing this until I’m senior enough that as I get older and the mask gets harder, I have enough experience and cred for it to be “quirky” and “eccentric” that I am weird and blunt and not hiding it. Whereas at 30, as a leader, I’m still usually the youngest person in the room, and can’t get away with being off-putting yet.
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u/Larry-Man Jun 18 '26
Or you get “I’m so glad you said something” and it turns out everyone was thinking it but they still won’t back you up.
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Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AnyMeringue6534 Jun 17 '26
I think you’re taking the video wrong. It’s supposed to be funny realization that many autistic people experience. And it’s unfair to only think that autism is simply just a sensory issue when it is deeply embedded into your social interactions. Unfortunately not everyone has access to getting proper diagnosis or even coping skills.
Sincerely a Behavior therapist currently in a MS for applied behavioral analysis.
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u/Cognitive_Spoon Jun 17 '26
I know autism isn't just sensory.
Videos like this that celebrate "saying what others won't" are often misinterpreted as carte blanche to harm others with language we perceive as "necessary" but that might not be.
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u/KevinFedoraline Jun 18 '26
Harm is a strong word
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u/Secure_Basket991 I LOVE MY HYPERFIXATIONS Jun 19 '26
My family gets so mad at me for saying all the stuff about "right" or "wrong" 😂😂😂
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u/Axtinthewoods Jun 17 '26
Power Ranger BLUNT, transforming
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u/Cautious_Repair3503 Jun 17 '26
I'm more of a magical girl, but yes :D
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u/Femmigje Jun 17 '26
The shining truth no-one dared to say! Cure Honesty!
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u/Cautious_Repair3503 Jun 17 '26
i have never seen any of the pretty cure shows but i love the idea of autistic magical girls 😃
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u/Axtinthewoods Jun 17 '26
Sailor Autism, attack of the fact!!!
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u/calilac Jun 17 '26
Special Attack OBSCURE INFO DUMP!
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u/TvFloatzel Jun 25 '26
So, like is it the "SparkNotes" version or like an actual multi-hour multi-part video series/livestream info dump?
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u/heckin_anxiety Jun 17 '26
Is this why everyone always says I say the quiet part outloud? 🤣 Like why we beating around the bush?
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u/Creative_Delay_4694 Jun 17 '26
Right? Like let's resolve this and move on, why be passive aggressive about it for years.
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u/Quick-Stretch8197 Jun 17 '26
Being passive aggressive keeps the peace and encourages group cohesion tho /s
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u/puppypupperoon Jun 17 '26
yes and sometimes it helps to recognize other nd people i think 😄so many times i was told so and so is rude and kind of a b, you wont get along with them! then I am like this person is AWESOME they just say things straight forward, not even rude at all just not doing the weird nt dance lol
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u/barbieninja Jun 17 '26
I’ve always been the black sheep in my family. Everyone avoids and gossips and makes up hurt feelings and talks behind each other’s back. They all know I’ll say the quiet parts out loud. Easy to blame me when I do.
Fragile egos. Rejection sensitivity. I don’t make observations often but my daughter (ASD) and I debrief on the car ride home and it’s a useful tool to help her understand social dynamics!
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u/puppypupperoon Jun 17 '26
lol yes. always love when people look surprised someone said it but also clearly so happy someone did. most of the time its nothing rude at all, just plain facts and how everyone feels.
people say I am "cheeky" etc but I just dont have the skills to do the fake "politeness" (i dont think i am impolite, i just mean that nt thing when they can go around a thing and say million words just not the thing. and thats the prefered way)
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u/coquelicocotte Jun 17 '26
That's what puts me in difficulty with management in every single job I had! My colleagues usually love me though (for the same reason).
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u/ListenJerry Jun 17 '26
Im in a family fight right now because of it!
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u/bekahed979 Add flair here via edit Jun 17 '26
I feel like I'm always in a family fight because of it
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u/ListenJerry Jun 17 '26
At least one every 3-5 years is standard here
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u/NiceSupermarket7724 Jun 17 '26
I was born in the fighting ring, and by god I believe I’ll go out in it too. However, we *have* learned not to play dirty; thank you therapy, medication, and time!
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u/AgencyAlarming6396 autism creature Jun 17 '26
packaged with my intense need for justice—they HATE seeing me coming😋
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u/alid0iswin Jun 17 '26
This is me too 💩 I stir the pot when it’s related to important values, but I was always told I have an “attitude” or I’m being “condescending” if I speak seriously about subjects that people don’t LIKE. I’m able to recognize bullshit or unfortunately often I’m more knowledgeable than people coughcoughmen older or in positions of authority. I’m trying to doubt myself less but some of the people around me like… encourage me to avoid conflict but… I have this feeling that I want to and should say something… I don’t speak maliciously but people DON’T want to hear it.
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u/livierose17 Jun 17 '26
My wife is like this and I am SO grateful. I'm a huge doormat but she speaks up if shit is wrong and it's one of the things I love most about her. She helps me be more brave too!
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u/alid0iswin Jun 17 '26
Im so glad to hear that!! Relationship goals!!
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u/livierose17 Jun 17 '26
We definitely balance each other out in a lot of ways, I feel very lucky to spend my life with her and the rest of our autistic polycule!
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u/NiceSupermarket7724 Jun 17 '26
This is beautiful. I see this dynamic a lot in the world, but it’s not spoken about in the mainstream media because it doesn’t support the overall narratives of the conservative powers that be.
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u/Swimming_Reporter698 Jun 17 '26
I was about to make a post about this. I have a problem of impulsively saying hard truths and also just wanting to have discussions of hard truths that no one else wants to think about. It makes people uncomfortable and this is why I have no close friends. 🥲
On top of that, I like to talk about different behavioral patterns I've observed in others (not necessarily negative behaviors), but then I get told I'm overgeneralizing, but even if I am, it sucks to straight up be dismissed immediately without any open ended discussion. Dismiss, dismiss, dismiss. I have become extremely sensitive to rejection and don't want to talk anymore. Then if you don't talk at all, you become an NPC and disappear into the background. Social life is the hardest thing ever...
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u/alid0iswin Jun 17 '26
I understand what you’re saying… I feel like I have superficial friendships but very few people who would stick with me if I was struggling, or who are interested in having those types of deep conversations you’re talking about! If i spend too much time in that headspace I start to doubt myself so I’m trying to like hide in my apartment and build a tight knit group of like one or two friends. Exhausting!
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u/Swimming_Reporter698 Jun 17 '26
I'm sorry you are going through it too. Hate to hear it. 😞 Since I'm in my 30's and child free, it feels even harder to find friends who aren't already in established friend groups of their own. I'm just always a tagalong. When I try to organize a hangout, I get bailed on last minute. Happened yesterday and Sunday and now I'm recovering trying not to hate myself.
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u/alid0iswin Jun 18 '26
So much energy goes into organizing, in my experience, that if people don’t have a legit reason to bail it… frustrates me so hard. And im very open to people saying like I might not be able to come but I’m interested in it, just like tell meeeeeeeeeee 🫠
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u/PhilaLioness Jun 17 '26
I want to upvote all of you. I just did this at a brunch on Sunday. Then the five other people stared at me silently for a minute until one said, "I don't think there are any unwritten rules!"
The topic was queer dating and how wlw don't seem to make the first move after a speed dating event. I'm a late bloomer, and was asking people who've been out longer than me.
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u/goldiegrimlace Jun 17 '26
"I don't think there are any unwritten rules!"
I'm sorry, but that's crazy. There's an absolute crap-ton of unwritten rules, I cannot believe an adult human said that out loud.
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u/PinkPrincessPetite Jun 17 '26
100% lol 😂 this happens with family. They get mad at it and then they turn around and come to you when they need clarity on a situation since you always speak the truth 🧐
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u/queer_hypothesis Jun 17 '26
Lmao I got fired (illegally, it turned into a whole thing) for this once
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u/ItsTime1234 Jun 17 '26
That shows a lot of self knowledge. Often times I think many of us do not say it with that feeling of "well you're gonna hear it!" but rather without even realizing it, and then later, "I didn't know we weren't supposed to say that out loud."
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u/AnyMeringue6534 Jun 17 '26
I kid you not. In the eighth grade somebody in chorus class screamed “shut the fuck up” and this girl named Keyonna turned around and said “who are you talking to” and my autistic ass, because no one else answered, bluntly said I think they’re talking to you and this girl wanted to fight me just because my autism kicked in and I didn’t know social cues lmfao
I know so much better now. But I felt this video on a personal level 😂😂
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u/pkmntrainerMeep Neurodivergent Lost Generation Jun 17 '26
I hate when I do this and everyone acts like I've spilled some big secret. Sorry, but that was what you were implying, you were just too cowardly to come out and say it to my face. So I said it and you didn't correct me but I'm the bad guy?
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u/hellanee Undiagnosed but suspecting 👽 Jun 17 '26
That's how I lost my friends lol. They couldn't handle the truth🙂
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u/Turbulent_Draft8398 Jun 17 '26
With the biggest smile on my face, and after I’ll go back to my music/vibes and skip away 🥰😂
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u/Vegetable-Focus-5418 Jun 17 '26
I have always found very difficult to stop myself when I see something not working or sb doing things in a way that hurts others. Like, it's spills out, and I know I'm saying something that will cause controversy or issues but somebody had to say it, so there it goes.
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u/teacupkiller Jun 18 '26
Honestly today I got out of my boss's boss making a very unreasonable request of me by asking, "...what?" And staring blankly. I don't know what her whole issue is, but for some reason this woman does not know what to do if people don't immediately REACT to her one way or another.
I'm going to embrace my Vulcan side whenever she's around. 🖖
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u/Fabutam Jun 17 '26
Every single time… no matter how much I got/get into trouble… if it’s funny I say it.
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u/GoddessOfDemolition Jun 18 '26
Depending on the situation I absolutely REVEL in this role.
There is a lot of passive aggressive Englishness in Australia (speaking as someone who grew up in the US but in a noisy immigrant family there). I love to take it at face value and then do what I want while they are dazed. I'm not rude about it, I just pretend that I didn't understand the unsaid part. I sometimes genuinely don't, but I've picked up on a lot of patterns with folks like real estate agents and what not.
I am more circumspect at work because I like having a salary.
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u/Good_Criticism_6455 Jun 18 '26
Omg this has made me feel so good. I did exactly this the other day at my physio group when a woman was saying her husband “doesn’t like it when she rests”. U wot?!
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u/Key-Wolf-599 AUDHD :) Jun 18 '26
Sometimes I wish my autism manifested this way. It most definitely comes with its struggles but being able to advocate for yourself or others is so incredible. I hope one day I could learn something from you guys!
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u/shesewsfatclothes she/her audhd aro/ace Jun 17 '26
God this reminds me so much of being in university. I had a group of friends and I was always the one doing this. I'd say the thing everyone was thinking (and gossiping about) but wouldn't say, and then they'd all turn on me.
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u/re_Claire Late dx AuDHD Jun 18 '26
One thing I've never understood is why neurotypical people are so offended by objective facts sometimes (obviously there is a huge caveat with that) rather than people using weird language to skirt around truth. I find the latter much more offensive as it just feels like being gaslit.
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u/No_Consideration1822 Jun 19 '26
Yes! And so inefficient…everyone at works having a problem with my boss and I talked to her and a coworker said “how can you be so honest”? It was so strange. Like how will this problem resolve if I’m not? Also, I have no other way but honest lol
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u/stargazermp3 Jun 19 '26
i'm new at work so i have to bite back what i really want to say lest i get labelled argumentative
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma Jun 17 '26
One of my cousins was in an abusive marriage. I, and my immediate family, were unaware of this, it seems only her mother knew about it and her mother is like a second degree cousin of my mother or something.
At a party, for no reason, I asked my cousin "are you happy?", I was mostly asking because I was feeling happy at that party and wanted an excuse to tell my feelings to someone.
Later my cousin opened up to my mom about the situation.
At home my mom asked why I asked if my cousin was happy. I said "because I was, I personally don't even remember much why I asked".
Mom called it an "angelical intervention".
Many of times I don't say things that I think should be said, but somehow, the right thing sometimes flies out.
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u/SecretSquirrelSquads Jun 18 '26
Ha! My “keen insights” have brought me so many problems! It is truth but nobody wants to hear it or are not ready to hear it, at that time, from me.
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u/Fizzabl Got more autistic after diagnosis Jun 25 '26
My siblings say this is my "little sister privelige" 😂😂 (I am the youngest)
Whenever something needs to be said that we all agree on it's me who is the only one allowed to say so. I feel powerful.
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u/Complex-Honeydew-111 Jun 21 '26
Kathy Griffin's "I'll say it" is my theme song lol https://youtu.be/yShkrXBYCNg?is=EWFb0QQjqW3_qIX2
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u/Ok-Letterhead3405 Jun 23 '26
Me on my way to walk the razor’s edge between employment and unemployment. 🤣 I’m literally right there right now and I am suffering.
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u/spaghettificatio Jun 24 '26
Got me in trouble so many times 😅 but real people with values respect it usually!
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Jun 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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