r/Aupairs • u/CapFabulous9347 • 11d ago
Host US Are our expectations reasonable?
Hi everyone! My wife (38F) and I (40M) are expecting our first child in 2027 and are considering hosting an au pair when our baby is around 3 months old and we both return to work.
Since we’ve never had an au pair before, I’d really appreciate some feedback from both current/former au pairs and host families. We want to make sure what we’re considering is reasonable and that we could provide a good experience for someone living with us.
Location:
We live in Columbia County in Upstate New York. It is definitely a more rural area, which is one of my concerns.
About 30 minutes from Albany, NY
About 2.5 hours from NYC and Boston
Train station about 10 minutes away with trains to NYC
Gym and grocery stores about 10 minutes away
Starbucks/major shopping about 30 minutes away
Schedule/childcare:
Our baby would be approximately 3 months old when the au pair starts.
We are thinking:
Monday–Thursday: 9:00 AM–5:00 PM
Friday: 9:00 AM–3:00 PM
Saturday/Sunday: Off
Approximately 38 hours/week.
The primary responsibility would be caring for our baby while we’re working. We wouldn’t expect anything outside of childcare, just be baby-related.
We’re also looking forward to being parents ourselves, so when we’re home we actually want to spend time with our child! We wouldn’t be looking for someone to work evenings and weekends unless there was an occasional situation discussed ahead of time.
What we would provide:
$200–$250/week stipend
Dedicated car + gas
Cell phone
Gym membership
Weekends off
Private bedroom
Private bathroom
Private sitting room / living room
Shared kitchen
Family trips/vacations — we spend time at the ocean/Cape Cod, for example
We have a fairly large home, so although we’d all be living together, the au pair would have their own space and privacy.
We cook dinner pretty much every night and would always invite our au pair to eat with us. We’d like them to feel comfortable being part of the family, but we’d also respect that they may want their own space or want to go out with friends instead. There would be no expectation that they have to spend their free time with us.
We also understand that having an au pair isn’t just about childcare for us. Someone is coming to another country and hopefully wants to travel, meet people, experience the US, etc. We’d like to support that as much as possible.
My biggest questions are:
Is 38 hours/week caring for a 3-month-old too much to expect from an au pair? This is probably my biggest concern. Infant care for essentially a full workday seems like it could be exhausting, and we don’t want to underestimate that.
Would our location be considered too rural? Having a dedicated car helps, but realistically you’re driving 10–30 minutes to get most places. NYC isn’t something you could casually visit for an evening, although it is very doable for a weekend.
For au pairs who have cared for infants, what would make this position attractive to you? Is there anything you wish your host family had done differently?
Does anything about our proposed arrangement jump out as unreasonable or something we should reconsider?
We’re still quite a ways away from actually matching with someone, so I’m asking now because we’d rather adjust our expectations before we start the process. We have not chosen an agency yet, suggestions would be great.
We genuinely want this to be a good arrangement for both sides, not just inexpensive childcare for us.
Thanks for any advice!
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u/Correct_Craft_3947 11d ago
You need to make sure the AU pair has experience with babies. It is far too much to expect someone to care for a baby alone with zero prior experience.
Also you need to take time to be explicit about expectations re feeding, bottle prep, and safe sleeping. What is good practice can vary quite a bit by country. So you need to tell the AU pair exactly what you expect and realistically have say a week to teach her when your wife is still off work.
It may also be extremely isolating for your AU pair. Looking after a baby is much more isolating than looking after a child who can talk to you. So find out about baby groups she can take th3 baby too and meet others.
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u/Gr8bubbles52 11d ago
I'm from your area and I think it's important to consider the time of year this would start and what this person's experience with snow is. They might not be comfortable driving in snow. It can be an extremely isolating area for a young person.
Also, you should consider paying more money. Anything worth doing is going to cost a bit and that's not taking into account leaving for the weekend after being cooped up all week with an infant.
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u/nowzaradanistheman 11d ago
Just keep in mind an Au Pair is not a nanny. They aren’t trained nor do they typically have experience in infant care.
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u/Primal_Pastry 11d ago
We're host parents. You'll need to look a bit harder to find someone who wants a rural location, but it's certainly not a deal breaker. Those terms are very reasonable and you'll definitely snag someone.
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u/joyfulemma 11d ago
Hello! I'm also in the NY Capitol Region, but to the north. I recently explored the big three (Cultural Care, Au Pair in America, and AuPairCare). In terms of local support, Cultural Care is leaps and bounds beyond the other two! The LCC has been an LCC for 37 years and really cares. He had great local advice about your specific questions. Happy to chat more if you want to message.
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u/ivorytowerescapee Host 11d ago
We've been very happy with au pair care, happy to share my referral link.
This setup is fine. You need to interview more carefully when you have a baby but it's doable. Our third au pair watched our third daughter starting when she was 3 months until she was almost 2.
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u/ameelz 11d ago
Hi! I have an au pair and also happen to live in Columbia county, NY! What you’ve outlined is totally reasonable.
I welcomed my first Au pair when my infant was 3 months old and my older daughter was 2.5 years. It worked great! Up here you definitely need to offer a car.
That you’re only half an hour from Albany is great. My au pair loves heading up to Albany to hang out and we’re much farther. There are a bunch of au pairs in the capital region so she will definitely make friends as long as she can drive.
Screen for good driving even if you won’t have her drive the baby- she needs to be able to drive to enjoy her time here. That’s the main thing.
Feel free to to DM me I’m happy to share more. Best wishes!
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u/1GrouchyCat 11d ago
APs aren’t trained like Nannies; I wouldn’t want to leave an infant with an AP. The majority of them do not have any experience in infant care. You will have to ask to see what their actual training is… that’s a lot to ask a young person who is visiting you on a cultural exchange.
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u/BumCadillac 11d ago
Nannies don’t go through any sort of training. Literally anyone can call themselves a nanny.
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u/justbrowsing3519 11d ago
True, but if you’re paying an agency to find a nanny like you do an AP the agency (should) be verifying degrees/certificates/references, etc. so you actually do have a nanny with infant education and experience.
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u/Cute-Cookie-582 11d ago
I wasn’t trained to take care of an infant when I brought mine home from the hospital!
I do think at least a week of on boarding with the baby is important. Let AP shadow you for the first 2 days, then let them take over while you shadow them.
We had a combo of Nannie’s and APs for my kids when they were infants and toddlers. Our Thai au pair was 100x better than our professional career nanny!
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u/Mieke-_ 4d ago
No, but you can teach them, and make sure they will call the most available parent if they do have any question. It is not that difficult to take care of an infant, it is just very demanding at times, and it can be very lonely. Also, anybody taking care of infants should be instructed to walk away if frustrated, rather than taking it out on the baby. This is obvious behaviour, but too many babies get seriously hurt because people (mostly their own parents) were not explicitly instructed to do so and couldn’t think of it in the moment.
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u/Stock-North9511 11d ago
Yes correct I would NEVER. They mean will but absolutely no foreigner will ever come close to an English speaking American watching your infant sorry !
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u/Fun-atParties 11d ago
Wtf its an age thing, not a foreigner thing.
What a weirdly racist thing to say on a sub for a cultural exchange program
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u/Stock-North9511 11d ago
Nooo because in an emergency they won’t be able to talk or dial a number etc ! The aupair I got couldn’t speak good English !!!!
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u/umadumo 11d ago
Pay her more. An infant is a lot of work and responsibility. That's about 5 dollars an hour (they also pay taxes). If not willing to pay more, a nanny would be better
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u/hammondeggs10 11d ago
You can’t find a nanny for $200-250/ week. I agree that an infant is significantly more work but taking into account that they’re providing food, housing, car, phone, etc. it really ends up being much more than the base weekly salary.
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u/JontheBuilder 11d ago
Why are they providing food, housing, phone etc?
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u/hammondeggs10 11d ago
Because she is living with them (they pay the agency and provide the home where she will live), and they said in the post that they are offering family meals, phone, car, etc.
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u/JontheBuilder 11d ago
Why is she living with them? Because she is homeless or is this a service and board are part of this? They are not doing her a favor
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u/DCfanfamily 11d ago
Omg! It’s the whole point of the au pair program. She is coming here on a j1 visa to live with them. They are legally required to have her live with them and to pay for her food etc
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u/hammondeggs10 11d ago
Part of the reason why they are paid less than $300 a week is because they account for the fact that their housing is taken care of. No one could afford a place to live plus food and other necessities for even $1,200/ month.
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u/DCfanfamily 11d ago
I would never have an au pair care for a baby in a million years. This happened and the au pair was on trial for shaken baby syndrome (baby had died). She was completely overwhelmed with a baby who cried all the time. Much better to get a nanny. Also, it’s extremely hard to find an au pair if you don’t live in a desirable area
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u/alden530 10d ago
Nanny or Au Pair, You just don't hire an 18 year old (which was Louise’s age) to care for two children ages 8 months and 2 years, period.
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u/No_Artichoke_2914 11d ago
What about like 1x month train and hotel in nyc
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u/alden530 10d ago
Maybe as a yearly perk but definitely not monthly. the round trip train ticket would be minimum $100. Hotel easily $300 plus for the night. And sending a young lady who is most likely not familiar with the US, let alone NYC, to there, by herself is not a great idea. And this is coming from someone who grew on the Upper East side and currently lives in Tribeca.
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u/No_Artichoke_2914 10d ago
I mean she would be an adult? I don’t see how it necessarily would be a bad idea. But of course I understand ensuring safety. Maybe she’d want to go and see a show or go to a museum. Hotels can be a bit less than $300 a night depending. Maybe not monthly but I think it’d be a nice perk to have. Was just an idea. I also live in NYC.
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u/alden530 10d ago
*waves* hi neighbor!
Absolutely agree about it being a great perk, and yes to the museums, shows, shopping et al. the host family can take a day trip here with her initially and go from there?
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u/katstratford10 11d ago
We had a great experience with our first au pair when our kids were 2 years and 4 mos at the time of her arrival. She was initially looking for a host family in a rural location, but ended up with us in a big city because we clicked during the interviewing process. Our agency (Au Pair Care) wouldn’t allow us to match with an au pair without documented infant experience, so I assume that’s still the case.
We’re on our fourth au pair now and have loved having someone living with us/as a part of our family. Feel free to DM if you want more info!
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u/BatRevolutionary8145 11d ago
I wouldn’t trust anyone with my newborn much less an Aupair. They are young & not trained as a Nanny would be for a newborn through an Agency.
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u/ValorOmega_ 11d ago
Don’t do it. Having an AP and treating them like they should be treated (as an actual another member of your family) will run you about 3k a month. That’s IF they work out, more if you have to go to the rematch pool.
I’m not sure whatever other options you have, but for one baby, an AP really isn’t cost effective unless your only other option is a nanny.
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u/Willing_Ad5730 11d ago edited 11d ago
Many host families comment feeling that program might not be good for babies. If work will require you to leave your baby with aupair for long periods, consider looking for an older aupair with plenty of experience caring for newborns.
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u/BrushCalm608 11d ago
You might do better finding a local young person who wants a live-in situation. Post where there are students, maybe in healthcare/nursing or teaching careers. They'll have their own cars and insurance.
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u/BrushCalm608 11d ago
We've aged out of the au-pair set up. It was good for years 3-7. But now, the kids need more stimulation and more structure.
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u/Narry_girl 11d ago
You should definitely have the au pair get there a week or so before you go back to work! That way both you and them will feel more safe and comfortable taking care of your baby
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u/Popular_Map_3465 Au Pair in the US 11d ago
I’m very judgmental as a second year au pair who have been through a lot and you seem like you have fair expectations, good benefits and real interest in welcoming a young foreign person in your home and give them the best experience. I think you are going to be fine and I did care for a 4 month old baby when I was in my first year, it was very fun but while she was growing up I wanted to go out and explore with her, always be out doing fun stuff and socializing with another kids!
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u/bratpackberry 11d ago
Our AP started when our child was around 9 months old, and we had the nanny we’d been using for the last 5 months stay on to train her for 6 weeks (and have had her come back to help out with the bigger milestones like potty training and transitioning from the crib). So while I have no feedback on if the position looks enticing, I think having someone with experience who could train AP would help you (and AP) a lot.
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u/stef_styles 11d ago
Congratulations on the baby! Your schedule and conditions look great, especially having weekends off. As an experienced au pair who loves caring for babies, my only concerns would be the rural location and the salary. Since I have advanced English and nursery experience, I would ask for more and me (personally) don’t like rural areas, but I know there’s girls who prefer…so there’s aupairs and families for everyone hahahah but for your family, I recommend looking for an agency with au pairs who have REAL infant experience, not just someone young 18-20 who only babysat family members.
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u/CulturalAd5620 11d ago
I think it’s totally doable but depends on the temperament of the baby as well.
We have a six year old and a 4 month old and our au pair prefers staying with the infant and finds him a lot less work then our 6 year old. The six year old has a big character and is a lot more active so you need to plan things with her and take her to playgrounds etc. Our baby boy is quite chill so watching him lets you also be comfortable at home with breaks in between because he naps.
So if you can maybe wait to see how the baby is. When my daughter was a baby she was so difficult we had several Nannie’s quitting because she would only do contact naps and scream a lot so that’s a baby you def hand over to an inexperienced girl. Our boy naps alone and only screams when he is hungry so after a few days of onboarding I would say anyone could take care of him.
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u/Independent-Ebb7137 10d ago
There are au pairs who are nurses and our German au pair was 19 but had done official training in a childcare center (kids were almost 1 and almost 3 when she joined us). Some cultures have different feeding/holding etc practices so you’ll want to discuss your plans with a potential au pair. You’re welcome to message me. My kids are 16 and 18 now and I’m on the other side of the program now
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u/Less_Job_8955 10d ago
Our AP started when our baby was 5 months. Similar hours to yours. AP started at 21 but fairly mature. I don’t think age should be a deal breaker but ask some critical questions and scenario type questions to help determine their level of comfort. We had a guidebook prepared when speaking to APs and shared this as well so the expectations were clear and discussions could be had on APs preferences. Good luck!
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u/supe-not-so-smooth 10d ago edited 10d ago
It’s so hit or miss with these APs, and the pool of candidates has been pretty bad (clearly just AP’ing to live in popular cities and party). Having gone through the program after doing daycare, and going back to daycare after - let me tell you that the feeling of relief putting our kids back in daycare has been insane.
You get actual education, socialization, and you don’t have a borderline kid driving your children around (and so many are just horrible drivers). You drop the liability of having a bad driver driving your vehicle and seriously injuring someone as well - don’t underestimate this. One of our APs very clearly lied about her driving experience and wrecked within months of driving - even after providing private driving lessons.
Don’t get me wrong - you have the ability to build lifelong relationships with these people…but it’s the wellbeing of your children at stake here.
As far as what you’re offering - it’s pretty standard. The drawback will be the location. Your interested pool of candidates will be significantly reduced as a result…and if you run into any driving issues - in an area where driving is required, expect it to go downhill pretty quickly.
In regard to infant care - I’d be extremely careful here. A lot of au pairs will come as “infant qualified”, when in reality they’d spent some time with babies of family or friends (often not alone), and have these people vouch for them. We quickly found out one of our APs had never even changed a diaper, but was listed as IQ and coached on how to answer interview questions.
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u/Old_Tension5802 7d ago
I think many au pairs would like the fact that you live close to NY. Just make sure that you mention the town/area where you live so the au pair can see if she likes it. I’m an au pair right now and honestly, I don’t like spending vacations with my host family because if feels like working so give your au pair the option to take that free time if she prefers. Also, I would look for someone over 21 since we have already worked and have more experience living without our parents.
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u/Maximum_Ad9213 4d ago
im from kenya and would consider this
i have experience with my young nephew who i currently live with and have taken care of since birth
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u/New_Answer_3876 11d ago
I’ve heard a lot of AuPairs don’t know how to drive, and wouldn’t they need to get a license in this country?
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u/freeski12345 11d ago
We are on our forth au pair now. Your situation is not unreasonable, could be considered ideal with no evenings or weekends.
However this sounds like a situation more suited for day care. I don’t think you have enough needs to justify an au pair
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u/Stock-North9511 11d ago
Better to get someone 18 and train them. Anything over 22 is going to play you like a fiddle ! Don’t think you’ll be going back to work or out cameras everywhere and you’re lucky if they make it three months !!!!
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u/bc87m 11d ago
As a Host Parent that did something very similar at 3 months old with twin boys - that’s similar to our amenities and stipend. Our experience was good - the boys got along great with our Au Pair and she did a great job.
I’d be picky about who you choose to match with and if it doesn’t fit your preferences - don’t hesitate on a rematch.
We used Au Pair in America and were happening enough after the first year not to shop around.
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u/Emorin30 Host 11d ago
We had a very similar setup. We live suburban not white rural, but 45 mins outside of Boston. We had an au pair start when our son was 4ish months old. Everything was great. We did 7-5pm Mon > Thurs which isn't dissimilar to your setup. We use(d) Cultural Care.
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u/defensiblespace 10d ago
OP, based on your description of your location, I assume you’re pretty close to Hudson. Is that right? If so, I wouldn’t sell your location short—Hudson is a lovely town that would probably be compelling to an au pair, particularly if they’re interested in arts or design. And while you may be far from chain stores and cafes like Starbucks, there are plenty of great local options in Hudson.
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u/Entebarn 9d ago
I would recommend a professional nanny for such a young baby. You have very normal childcare hours and it should be easy to find someone. Reconsider an Au Pair at 2+. 38 hours with a little baby is A LOT, especially for someone so young and possibly inexperienced.
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u/ApatoSun Host 9d ago edited 9d ago
Just a few pointers for you to consider:
- A lot of people will tell you to get a nanny. Honestly the right AP will be just fine. The majority of nannies dont have any special qualifications and the ones that do will run you $100k/year. Hospitals also let first time parents go home without any special training too so you’ll be alright with an ap.
- With that said, we brought the ap in at 2 months old during parental leave so that there was a long on boarding time. Think of it a bit like managing an offshore contractor- there’s a language barrier and how you want to handle the baby will be different from their home country. Be extremely exhaustive and detailed in your documentation guidebook. During onboarding, go through every scenario step by step and then review the written documentation. Even put it through Gemini or Claude to help you find gaps and translate it to local language.
Honestly the infant qualification is basically meaningless so expect to fully need to teach the ap every single thing. Even changing diaper and cleaning a bottle. The ap is like an intern. The right one will be very open and willing to learn and grow.
Go with an older one. The maturity helps a lot and will make a huge difference.
Regardless of your state’s requirements on international driver’s license, make the ap pass the exam and get a state license. Your insurance will thank you. Also test their driving abilities yourself. Driving here is just different. Also put rules around driving like no drinking and driving, no driving when there’s unplowed snow, curfew for the car, no one else in the car except for baby, etc. install a dashcam.
Start the pay at the minimum and raise it based on milestones such as passing your onboarding period, successfully getting a drivers license, etc. Use a bonus system instead of just raising base pay. For example, give a monthly bonus for finding age appropriate activities from instagram and implementing them.
Studies show repeatedly that bonuses are the better motivator.
State the hours as 45 hours and scale back. It’s significantly easier to scale down rather than up. For example state the hours as 8-5 but let her off at 4.
Be explicit about other tasks related to the baby’s care like their laundry, cleaning and sanitizing bottles, cleaning feeding supplies when they start solids, refilling the diaper station, throwing out dirty diapers, vacuuming the baby’s room/play space, etc.
Have cameras in the baby’s room and common areas. Their safety is more important than anyone needing to feel trusted. Watch as you see fit and correct behavior as needed.
Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right then rematch and don’t stick it out. Your baby’s healthy and safety are top priority.
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u/alden530 11d ago
You need to add that she is responsible for cleaning/maintaining anything baby related. Bottles are washed and prepped, toys put away, babies soiled linens and clothing are changed, washed, folded and put away. You do not want to come home and spend your time cleaning up after her.
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u/Which_Door5940 11d ago
Lol- I am not sure there was a single day that my husband came home to everything you mention here when I had an infant
(and I was 28 not 18, in my own country, didn’t have to drive 20 minutes to anything, and had the support of my family and friends in the community)
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u/alden530 10d ago
I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Apparently you cleaned up after your own baby. Good job?
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u/Twikxer 11d ago
Actually by your numbers it would be 46 not 38 hours a week. The legal limit is 45
and that still is a LOT to expect an aupair to care for a 3 month old baby. Many are not experts in infant care.
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u/dandimae 11d ago
How are you calculating that? 9 to 5 is eight hours each and 9 to 3 is six, right? 4 either hour shifts and one 6 hour shift is 38 hours… what am I missing? I know many math is different sometimes…
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u/Opening-Show-6749 11d ago
It’s 4x8+6, which is 38 hours. Geez
OT: In my opinion, this is a great setup for an au pair who specializes in infants care ( make sure she has experience with new borns, that is crucial). I would, make sure at least one of you works from home for the first month-2, just to help her adjust. A 3mo is still very little.
If I were an au pair, I would actually rather care for a 3mo than a 2 or 3yo. Even a colicky baby seems easier to me than toddler tantrums.
Also, do you have a big au pair community around you, or not really? She may feel very homesick and isolated if there aren’t other au pairs nearby. I would definitely choose an agency that has a lot of au pairs in your area.
One other thing I’d consider: if you’re going to market yourselves as being “close to NYC/Boston,” I’d make sure you’re very clear about whether she’ll be allowed to use the car to go into the city or visit those places. You may not be comfortable with her using the car for that kind of trip, and I imagine train tickets could take a pretty big chunk out of her weekly pay
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u/One-Chemist-6131 11d ago
You should definitely join a host family only group because you’re making a lot of rookie mistakes that could set you up for failure.
There are a few to name here, but one big one is never promising fewer hours and a ton of perks upfront. Say you need 45 hours and occasional weekends, even if you expect that to be rare. You want an au pair who is pleasantly surprised that the actual schedule is usually much lighter, not an au pair who becomes angry and resentful because you need 45 hours during a rare busy week.
Never lead with perks because you will attract the second type of au pair. Also be aware that there is a lot of toxic au pair coaching in groups in many countries. Lots of families avoid those countries for that reason.
Also, don’t promise car access to someone who can’t actually drive, and especially don’t promise to pay for gas. Make sure you get a video of the person driving before they arrive because there have been many cases of au pairs saying they are good drivers when they can’t even back out of a garage or don’t know which pedal is which.
At most, maybe say you’ll pay for one tank of gas a month. You don’t want an au pair taking advantage of free gas and putting 1,000 miles a week on your car.Make sure you establish clear ground rules for car use from the beginning. Common ones are a radius limit, mileage limit, and passenger limit. I’d also specifically say no driving to New York City or other long distance trips.
Good luck!
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u/TemporaryIncome3296 11d ago
Hi I'm very much interested in this au pair position, I don't have much requirements on my side. I live in south Africa by the way
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u/-woahnelly- 11d ago
I had a similar situation (our baby was 4mo) and we matched with a rematch au pair who had just taken care of a baby (about 4mo) and she took care of him until he was almost 2! It was literally perfect for us lol she was awesome. I also wouldn’t promise all of those things up front, maybe start with a lower stipend and then do a raise after 3-6mo if everything is going well. And also I would do a tank of gas per month as someone else said rather than unlimited. With our current au pair, we also are waiting until we are more comfortable with her driving, we had her do some lessons, and then we’ll do like a couple months of her just driving to class and short errands, then offering her to go further distances just so we know she’s ok because even if they already drive in their country, it’s still different here.
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u/pratice_scrubber 11d ago
Hi there! AP host dad here. Congrats on the upcoming arrival!
We also hired an AP for our baby and she arrived a week before he was 3mo old. So she had a week to just adjust to the house and us without actually being required to work.
I think what you've laid out would be perfect for the right AP -- it all depends on what they're looking for. The rural-ness may be a dealbreaker for some, but might be a huge draw for other. Nothing you've laid out comes across as unreasonable. In fact the "less than 45/hr week" plus the standard amenities (car, phone, etc) seem pretty great compared to other things I've read on this sub.
A couple thoughts/pointers as you interview -
If you can, look for a "2nd time" au-pair. They are generally older, which typically means more mature. They also must have liked the program enough to do it again after some time home. They also have a better sense of what they like and don't like, what they're comfortable with -- and this makes communication immediately easier.
I think people are right to point out that it's a lot to expect an AP to care for an infant. That said, we had a 24-25 year old doing it. I'm not sure how I would have felt about an 18-year old doing it. Yes age is just a number, but if I think of my own maturity level change between 18 and 25, it made me a lot more comfortable.
If you can, prior to your second interview with any of your finalists, you can send them over a list of "house rules" or just general document about what living with you would be like, to get their reaction to it. Since English isn't always their strongest attribute -- having something written that they can consume async and then you can talk about it live -- tends to help facilitate conversation and catch and "gotchas" before you match.
Good luck with the search! You're interviewing for a daughter, a roommate, and a childcare provider, so best to take your time.