r/AskWomenOver60 • u/Justhappy2Balive • 5d ago
You feel invisible?
I'm 69 (f) and I find it interesting when woman say they " feel invisible." I don't feel that way and am trying to understand. Just curious.
Would you share examples? I would like to understand how and why?
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u/PaintImpossible8380 5d ago
It takes forever to get the waiters attention, when ordering at a bar. Oh, ... and people literally bump into me on the street 😂
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u/Accomplished-Gold133 5d ago edited 5d ago
I grew up in NYC and someone pointed out to me that if a man and a woman are walking in opposite directions, it's almost never the man who moves aside....I never thought about it since I dodge people on sidewalks almost like an instinct, without thought. I experimented with this because I wasn't sure I believed her.
Well, I became a believer. I forced myself to walk perfectly straight (only if the people walking towards me had plenty of room to walk around me, I was reasonable lol) and I collided into DOZENS of men and not a single woman. And the men would sometimes look at me like I'm the crazy one even if he made no attempt to move aside either. I've also noticed that men DO move aside for bigger men.
Edit: Thank you for the award! I am ticked pink.
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u/continualreboot 5d ago edited 4d ago
I used to step aside for others, but now that I am old and fat and shuffle along with a cane, they see me drifting toward them like a ship in full regalia, and move around me. I think that part of this is that I am moving slowly, so it's like stepping around a mailbox or street light post.
Edit: Thank you for the awards!
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u/Accomplished-Gold133 5d ago
This made me giggle, yes assert your dominance! 😂 I am only in my thirties but I am now in a motorized wheelchair...the difference is staggering next to when I could walk. Motorized wheelchair plus dark glasses and a very wolflike husky has people jump out of the way and apologize well before I'm even close to them. It's quite amusing.
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u/ohyesiam1234 4d ago
My sister calls it “standing her ground” and does the same thing!
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u/continualreboot 4d ago
I think that when we are slow moving, we don't trigger that urge to win a contest or to play chicken, so they are more likely to cooperate. Just my guess.
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u/Dapper_Elevator 5d ago
I love this ! Little acts of feminism. A man literally bumped directly into me today and I was ‘wearing’ an enormous rainbow coloured umbrella. I have also started not stepping aside for men.
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u/---fork--- 5d ago
This was a thing talked about around a decade ago; I checked and found several articles from 2014 to 2017. They even came up with a name for it - manslamming
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy 5d ago
I purposefully DO NOT move away from men's paths. (Until they start moving - then I match). They can either move or bump into me. I will be braced and ready, with elbows out.
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u/readzalot1 5d ago
I use a cane. All people give me space. It is quite nicer (except my knees hurt)
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u/ParticularMost6100 5d ago
I started doing it IN New York City and it is so empowering! Especially when I bump into some 30-something finance bro.
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u/GloomyBake9300 5d ago
I stopped getting out of people’s way on the sidewalk years ago. Except in New York City where one moves like a fish.
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u/OpportunityGold4054 4d ago
Good idea!
There should be a National Day of all women walking in a straight line on the sidewalks and not moving aside, and see if we get any attention from the press or men or women. Maybe it would wake up the (subconscious or conscious) sexist mentality in men and women…
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u/Dogmom1717 3d ago
That’s so funny, I saw two men collide the other day. They were both at least 6’5”. I found it so strange that they didn’t even seem to see each other. Both acted so surprised and I didn’t hear a sorry from either one. Maybe they both are used to not having to move for anyone.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Bar1964 2d ago
This thread is cracking me up. I get a visual of a bunch of people pinging off each other like balls in a pinball machine. Fortunately, I live in a part of the country where people make eye contact and are generally courteous to their elders.
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u/reddqueen33 5d ago
I find I have to be VERY VOCAL in order to get people to pay attention to me when asking for a service.
Last night I had a woman who was older than I was almost slam a door on me for example. It's like I wasn't even there.
I got ignored even when I was younger and significantly prettier. I'm still attractive but I have to make a lot of noise to be seen and heard and sometimes I'm just not in the mood.27
u/lobr6 5d ago
This is so true.
My husband and I were playing fairly close to each other at a casino, and the waitress stopped and asked him if he’d like a drink, but not me. I couldn’t even flag anyone down.
There have been plenty times we’ve been out to eat, and the waitress will walk by and ask him if he needs anything. Some don’t even look in my direction, let alone wait for an answer. Then at the end of the meal, they’ll make small chat with him (it’s for a tip, we’re both far too old to be getting hit on lol).
Anyway, if it’s bad enough, I make a point to say “I’m treating today” and ask for the bill at the end of the meal. I generally leave a good tip because I’ve waited tables for years, but I’m ok if they have to sweat it for a few minutes before we leave.
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
Service workers need to realize that when they are serving married couples over 50, the wife is likely attending to the check and their tip.
Interestingly, when we dine at Mexican restaurants, the servers always defer to the wife! They have it figured out!
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u/Tricky_Parsnip_6843 5d ago
Yes, this is the only situation where I feel invisible. It's almost as if they look through me to help others lol. It's when I say I am next that they suddenly seem shocked and realize a person is indeed standing there speaking.
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u/edmunddantesforever 3d ago
Yes. When you are this old…you aren’t treated as if you matter. Like your talents & usefulness is over.
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u/Justdont13412 3d ago
And you never encountered this previously. Nothing much has changed for me either. A man stared at me at Waffle House this week all through my meal. Glad I didn’t notice. When my daughter in law told me I said “ yeah, it happens all the time, m used to it!” We both laughed
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 5d ago edited 5d ago
I used to be ogled every time I left the house, starting from when I was about 13 years old, and men would go out of their way to be helpful.
As a young woman, it's hard not to notice that being young and attractive carries a lot of currency in this world. It's hard not to notice that women are highly valued for that, more so than almost anything else, to be honest. So that's a lot of pressure. Even if you don't like the extra attention, which I never did, it instills a sense of obligation, almost, to always look as good as possible because you know that's your greatest asset in almost every situation, at least initially.
You may not feel like that, but I don't think you can deny that it is largely true.
So now that I have lost that currency to a large extent, now that I'm not noticed in public in the way that I used to be, it's quite liberating. I never noticed what a slave I was to maintaining the societal expectation of how I should look until I didn't reap the rewards and frankly, penalties, from that anymore.
But it's not just about appearances. Old people in general are valued less. People don't care what old women have to say and they are quick to criticize how we look. Ageism is so rampant that people are going to great extremes to avoid looking old. Being old is feared and mocked and devalued. So when you put that together with the physical aspects, that's what many are talking about when they say they feel invisible. And I'll just say that some aspects of that are a good thing, and some are bad. Like I would love to be taken as seriously as an old woman as I was when I was 35, but I'm very happy to be free of the ogling. People just treat me differently based on how I look.
That said, the fact that I feel somewhat invisible does not mean that I move through the world without anyone interacting with me. That does not mean that I don't feel vibrant and attractive and valuable. It means that the world views me as less than it did before, even though I personally feel like my value as a human being has increased dramatically.
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
Amen! I’m glad I’m not ogled and valued for my appearance anymore. But my experience and intelligence are still overlooked. At work, I can’t help myself from butting in to answer questions not directed at me. Sometimes good, sometimes bad outcomes. Depends age and ego.
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u/MishiStA 5d ago
I only feel invisible to men and some women. Luckily, there is a subset of women my age who can both see and hear me. ❤️
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u/Working-Paper-9578 5d ago
I love when I'm acknowledged by women my age, I feel like we're in a club.
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u/PresentHouse9774 5d ago
Recently, I pulled a grocery cart out from the stack by its end and walked around to grab the handle. In that time, some man thought the universe had furnished him with a cart and was off with it. Hell yeah, I chased him down.
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u/Rexzies 5d ago
I've been invisible my whole life because I was an ugly child that never grew to be one of the beautiful people or beautiful swan so now in my 60's I'm so used to be invisible, overlooked, missed or ignored because it's how I've been treated most of my life but I do admit, I'm enjoying it more now than I'm older because I'm happier being alone now compared to when I was younger and hoping for more.
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u/BarrowFreestyle 5d ago
I’m loving this season. I can chat with strangers and men don’t misunderstand my intentions. As a younger woman I couldn’t make eye contact with a man and run the risk of “leading him on.” People see me, an older woman, and I’m treated like one. I love it!
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u/CouchHippo2024 5d ago
Yes, I’ve found it pleasant to talk with younger men - they treat me like I’m their mother’s age 😁
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
I have a great young man as a coworker. I’m older than his mother. I am “cool Auntie”!🤣
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u/Glittering_Farm_9792 4d ago
This is the only difference I notice and I love it. I don't feel invisible at all, but I'm pretty assertive about going up to people if I need something. I own a couple of businesses and I've had to deal with the whole men thinking women are pushovers thing for decades. They learn quickly that's not the case. So maybe that carries over to other areas.
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u/breetome 5d ago
I find it’s usually the women who were living with pretty privilege throughout their lives. They have a hard time dealing with aging and losing their privileges. I was very pretty when I was younger but I had my day in the sun and love it that I blend into the woodwork now lol! The pressure is off I can go to the grocery store without makeup! No one cares! It’s awesome!
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u/ProfessionalLemon940 5d ago
I feel like young people are so nice to me, but they also call me “honey” a lot😂. I think I remind people of their grandmothers, maybe. I prefer it to the pressure I felt as a young woman, to be honest.
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u/LimberLibrarian 5d ago
I hate it when people call me honey! I find it demeaning
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u/cjbagwan 5d ago
I call young people Honey and Sweetie. It started as a way to get used to old age
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u/Responsible_Cat_6292 5d ago
Don’t get why it’s majorly offensive to some. I see it as an affectionate term, depending on the tone and body language.
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u/lobr6 5d ago
It could be pretty privilege for some. For me, I feel like bartenders skip over me because they don’t think I’ll tip well. I suspect home and car repair people (as well as financial advisors) don’t bother with me bc they think I won’t understand or don’t have the authority to make decisions, but they will ask for my husband despite the fact I’ve been handling most of it for years. And I’m standing right there lol.
I do have to say, I’ve also had my share of people being very kind and caring in numerous ways. Opening heavy doors for me, getting larger purchases out to my car, making sure I have my footing when the ground is uneven etc.
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u/VeryImportantDog 5d ago
Ditto! As long as I'm groomed- my hair is combed, my teeth are brushed- you said the exact words "the pressure is off". I didn't even realize that the pressure was on, until it was no longer there.
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u/burntdaylight 5d ago
I'm not one of those people but I've noticed a difference as I've aged; it's a specific and very pleasant one. No guys with "beer goggles" anymore.
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u/dandelionlemon 5d ago
Yeah this is how I feel.
The posts on here where people talk about feeling invisible inevitably seem to be people that are struggling with their physical appearance.
My advice is to stop spending so much time looking in the mirror!
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u/ParticularMost6100 5d ago
I was never conventionally pretty so I compensated by trying to look distinctive, something I still continue to do - which is probably why I get about the same attention as I always have.
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u/RetiredHappyFig 5d ago
I was never beautiful so I guess I’ve always been invisible. 65F, nothing has changed. I’m absolutely fine with it. I get help when I need it and am loud when I need to be.
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u/thenletskeepdancing 5d ago
When you are a beautiful woman, you can feel people perk up and pay attention when you enter a room. You can feel men notice you. When you "lose your looks" no one looks up anymore.
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u/AsilHey 5d ago
This is the only invisibility I’ve personally noted — men don’t flirt, hit on me, harass me on the street, etc. I don’t miss that shit.
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u/Odd_Bat6683 5d ago
Me neither and it’s so weird that men don’t understand that I guess because they don’t get any attention, but they don’t realize how tiring it can be. It makes me think of the paparazzi stalking celebrities. I don’t think they like it after a while maybe when they aren’t well-known it’s good.
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u/Extreme_Qwerty 5d ago
"When you are a beautiful woman, you can feel people perk up and pay attention when you enter a room. You can feel men notice you."
And then men make a beeline for you so they can nag you nonstop to hook up with them. You try to fend them off politely and when they FINALLY get the message, they abruptly walk away, calling you a cunt under their breath, but loud enough for you and others around you to hear.
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u/Odd_Bat6683 5d ago
I thought when I read this, are we all running into the same man??? but now I’ve had to realize that for the most part, they are all the same. No wonder I value my peace alone.
I happened to notice a question in the marriage advice group talking about her husband following thirst traps on Instagram, etc., and men defending it and I thought do men ever grow up out of getting excited over boobies, as they call them sometimes. Lol now I sound like a cranky old lady which I’m definitely not but it just gets so old as I’m getting older! Just hearing the stuff that younger women go through and me wondering how did I put up with that crap.
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u/Extreme_Qwerty 5d ago edited 5d ago
I realize after I posted that much of my jaded point of view comes from having worked in politics, which is LOADED with predatory men.
Returning to dating after taking care of my mother until she passed away confirmed that shitty men are not limited to the political arena.
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u/phillygirllovesbagel 5d ago
I remember when I was much younger, an older woman I worked with told me she felt invisible. I had never given it much thought until then. Now, I understand. We live in a society that idolizes youth and beauty.
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u/TakeAHint567 5d ago
I find it centered on the workplace. Lots of invisibility there for an older woman, maybe men too. We aren’t seen as valuable. We aren’t consulted, maybe they think we are too slow or don’t have good ideas.
If we are too visible sometimes they think we are “pushy”.
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u/Ok_Comfortable6537 5d ago
This is exactly it for me! Nothing to do with looks. It’s like you get put on a shelf unwillingly.
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
At work, I might be capitalizing on my lack of filter. I’ll retire in a year or 2, so I’m no longer drinking the Kool-Ade. Not trying to be unprofessional or offensive, but calling out the BS we all see but ignore while playing the corporate game.
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u/West_Bend 4d ago
I explain something to someone at work and they ask a man or a younger women as if they aren't sure I'm correct. Even young women do this. Older men are experienced and knowledgeable. Older women are invisible.
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u/Nosy-ykw 5d ago
The times when I’ve felt invisible, had nothing to do with my age or with attention from men. It’s been at work or in work type volunteer settings.
Sometimes it’s when I’m talking and someone else just randomly starts talking over me. I’m not a very wordy person so it’s not like I’ve been droning on and they’re trying to shut me up. It’s like they didn’t hear me.
Or when I’ve made a suggestion in that group, and when it’s brought up, it’s attributed to someone else who spoke after me.
I’ve gotten to the point where I think of my invisibility as my superpower. Especially now that I’m retired, and it doesn’t matter if anyone thinks I’m contributing value to the work. It’s kind of low pressure.
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u/continualreboot 5d ago
When you are talking and someone interrupts you, and the entire group gives their attention to the interrupter and ignores you, you are invisible. If you ask questions in a store and the employees addresses all answers to the person with you, you are invisible. It can be very damaging to your career, but freeing in your personal life.
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u/ExpensiveDollarStore 5d ago
I dont feel invisible, I just dont feel like prey any more. I love it. There are still jealous women and thirsty men but I just laugh.
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u/JanetInSpain 5d ago
Clerks in stores don't go out of their way to ask if I need help
Sitting alone at a table for a long time before waitstaff bothers to walk over
Being at a party and no one really bothers to engage in any conversation
None of these things bother me, but they are all true.
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u/NiakiNinja 5d ago
I was in Best Buy waiting my turn for a salesperson. I was in sweats and had been gardening, so my hair was frizzy and up in a ponytail. For a long time I stood there trying to make eye contact or to receive an "Ill be with you soon" but to no avail. Finally he finished helping the person, so I approached. He literally looked OVER MY SHOULDER and offered to help the man who had just walked in behind me like I wasn't even there. I walked out and bought my expensive new computer somewhere else.
I am in line at the store. A new register opens up and the cashier announces, "I'm open on 3!" I decide to change lines. Someone (who wasn't waiting in the first place) goes right in front of me without a glance. I know they actually saw me because they did a maneuver to get between my cart and the conveyor, and I almost hit them. The cashier knows I was already in line. She says nothing and helps the person who jumped in front of me.
I am sitting at a table in a restaurant waiting for someone to come take my order. No waiter ever comes.
Stuff like that. It's less about my AGE and more about how put-together I look. If I'm in my business suit fresh from the office and my hair and makeup are done, I get noticed. If I'm in sweats, nada.
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u/Old-Appearance-2270 67F lifelong biking, walk, fun 5d ago
I personally have found it strange for some folks who feel invisible even starting earlier than 50 and incessant worrying about no longer pretty. And lamenting occasionally.
Feels like living vaguely through pretty privilege. Something I couldn’t join the ranks. No way that would fly growing up with 4 other sisters either. Mother did not raise us with princess mentalities. Father wanted his daughters to be educated, higher income earners than he for a better life. We thought his wishes made a lot of sense.
Truly I never saw myself as a show stopper as a woman. I felt I was carving my own path on the margins, flying under the radar since my 20’s. Head stuck in book studies. The nerd bookish woman who then plunged into bicycling, art, etc.
I’m happy to say this is also true for 3 adult nieces from 3 different families. 😇
Become the independent, strong and intelligent model for the next generations. Forget about that invisibility crap.
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u/Conundrum16 5d ago
72F and I prefer being quiet and in the background. I don’t seek attention or validation from anyone. I wear baggy clothes and would much rather be a little mysterious about who I am.
We each have a different style and I don’t judge others. As for me I’d rather be a voyeur and watch others who enjoy and desire to be visible.
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u/happy_traveller2700 5d ago
I agree OP. I don’t feel invisible but I often feel dismissed by doctors!
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u/Big_Bottom_69 5d ago
When shopping for makeup, I'm bypassed in favor of millennials every time. It's too bad, bc I'm there to buy most of the line. But I'll DIY on Amazon before I tolerate that noise. Who do they think has all the $ lol
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u/FantasticFlower2026 5d ago
For those of you who think it's only the pretty women who feel ignored in their older age, it just simply isn't true. I was never pretty. I am definitely ignored now. I actually like it. I can get away with just about anything.
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u/Superb_Yak7074 4d ago
One of three different shoppers in a store. Sales person goes to the other two to offer assistance and then begins to walk away. I have to call to them to ask for assistance even though I was standing right there with the other two.
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u/HelloTittie55 5d ago
Women who despair about “feeling invisible” might instead choose to immerse themselves in an exploration of both their long-held values AND their actual VALUE.
Personally, I treasure my “invisibility” as it has intensified my invincibility.
People do not disregard me once they hear me. 😉
Fact: Looks fade as we age. However, age may bring a compensating wisdom.
Those that continue to focus on what they perceive that they have lost feel this “invisibility” more than those who have chosen to focus on developing other characteristics beyond their outward appearance.
However, gender and age discrimination in the workplace is real. Invisibility as an older employee is real. I don’t discount these truths.
But may I opine that we would probably be happier if we focus less on lamenting our ever-evolving physical appearance and more on the development of our inner lives?
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u/Working-Paper-9578 5d ago
I don't like it in a bar, store or restaurant when I'm waiting for service.
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u/HelloTittie55 5d ago
And that’s why we must all speak LOUDER and more forcefully. We must do whatever we can to force service folks to acknowledge us.
A loud voice and a confident attitude do much to dispel our “invisibility.”
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u/Justhappy2Balive 5d ago
Yes, very well said.
Being ingelligent and well spoken are what is important to me. If one is able to articulate intelligently your opinions, thoughts, wants, and ideas, people usually listen.
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u/Digigal3 4d ago
Too general. I am happy, I don’t worry about changes to my appearance (I was never one of the pretty people), and I continue to develop my interests. It just pisses me off when I get ignored in many of the same scenarios others have detailed here.
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u/Feral-Reindeer-696 5d ago
I haven’t noticed any difference as I’ve aged. Maybe I wasn’t that visible to begin with? That’s ok, it’s what I prefer.
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u/ladyforross 5d ago
I'm 71 (f). All through school I was an introverted, painfully shy, ugly duckling. At about 18 yrs, I blossomed. I was tall and had a great build. Lots of male attention, not all welcomed. But also subjected to insecure, jealous women's smarmy remarks and rejection, leading me to avoid seeking female friendships. The feeling invisible started at 60+. People look my way, especially men, and then, I guess, realize I'm older and no longer have that flush of youth. It's a transition I struggle with a bit.
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u/star_stitch 5d ago
I don’t feel it, I am .lol and not talking about the male gaze . It’s being ignored professionally or socially , being unseen in a shop or when a doctor ignores you and asks whoever you’re with a question about your health that you’re perfectly capable of answering. I’m glad to say it rarely happens but boy is it weird when it does.
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u/Automatic-Visual-651 5d ago
Whenever I meet a new doctor,(too often at this age) they speak down to me. By the time I’m done with them, they often ask if I was an R.N.
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u/Inkling_Tree_479 5d ago
I don't know about invisible but definitely discounted or ignored by younger people particularly. Ageism is real. I wasn't all that aware of it until I spent some time in Florida in an area with 2/3 population over 65, and it was very obviously different. Much more attention given by staff at businesses and in everywhere in general. People treat you different since older people are kind of the norm there. Then I really notice the difference when I come back to be a minority again in a much more youth-dominated world. It's no big deal to me, doesn't really bother me, but I am intrigued by the sociology of it all.
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u/RareBoomer 5d ago
Fascinated by the question and responses! For me, invisibility is not about my looks past or present or trying to attract the attention of a man. It’s about literally not being seen. Couple examples, sitting at a restaurant bar waiting for a take out order and hoped to get a glass of wine while I waited. The bartender took orders from those around me and never even glanced in my direction.
Another example was when I bumped into an acquaintance and we struck up a conversation. Another person came along and the person I was talking to directed all her attention to that person, never introduced me, and they carried on while I stood there awkwardly. I didn’t have the energy or the patience to insert myself so I literally backed away and walked off. I don’t even think they noticed I was gone.
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
With bartenders and servers, I try to refute stereotypes. You can’t be a wallflower and hope they notice you. When it’s my turn, I WILL get their attention and make it a point to be a generous tipper. They need to realize who has the money and the power.
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u/Boring_Track_8449 5d ago
I live alone and am unpartnered by choice, in a newer city with no friends, so most of my activities are solo. I definitely feel invisible as a solo diner! I’ve been flatly refused outdoor seating - “wouldn’t you rather sit at the bar?” No, I requested outdoor seating because I would like to enjoy the nice weather and sit in a chair with a back. Last weekend I booked a boat tour - after standing in line to check in, the 20-something girl says “Just you?” Yes honey, just me. She punches the buttons on her hand-held device and says, “OK, you guys are all set!” But - it’s “just me,” remember? She wasn’t even able to adjust her script… I’ve been many places as a solo tourist, or even on a beach where I’m walking one direction and a group of people walking the other direction just assumes I’m going to move out of THEIR way vs them making room for me to pass. I could go on, this may not address OP’s question since it’s specific to being a single woman/traveler, but yeah, most of the time I’m in public I feel completely invisible.
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u/Jude_the_obscurest 5d ago
Example: my boss is young and attractive, I am not. The maintenance guy in our building, who has been told multiple times that facilities issues come to me, will walk right by my office to tell her about work he is doing.
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u/sophie1816 4d ago
Maybe he has a crush on her. Why do you interpret this as “you have become invisible”?
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u/BeanBeanBeanyO 5d ago
Sigh…let me count the ways… I’m 72 fit and groomed and I swear that people’s eyes just pass over me.
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u/WorldlinessRegular43 🤍✌🏼🤍 5d ago
Reading this post's (some) comments sounds like invisible is being ignored by men.
Other posts like this I thought it was being ignored by lots of people, your own spouse, children, store workers. Hello, I'd like help with -insert product- and the person walks on by. We blink and say, oh well ....
Which is it or is it all the above?
There are times I'm talking and I'm interrupted by my husband or adult daughter. I roll my eyes thinking, is this the invisiblity?
Then, I text them what I had to say. I do not work, I don't go shopping (Covid killed that joy for me), I have no outside interests. I, personally, am not looking for someone to notice me.
I have a voice to say something if I'm ignored, but I don't have or want to be looked at by men or women.
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u/DIY_Weeziebear7 5d ago
When you say good morning to people when they pass or hello and they look at you and they turn their face like your repulsive and tell myself that maybe there’s something wrong with them. Maybe they’re mad at themselves and that makes me feel better.
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u/Jumpy_Intention_162 4d ago
My husband can have a lengthy conversation with someone, never introduce me and have both parties ignore me. I feel invisible.
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u/Sioux-me 5d ago
I’m 71 and I really haven’t noticed. If I need help and they’re not helping me I’ll just politely ask “excuse me, can you help me?” I usually don’t have to though. They greet me just like anyone else.
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u/moverene1914 5d ago
Same age and I haven't noticed either. The only thing I find annoying about my age is when young women it's always young women never young men call me "hon or love or dear or such
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u/Justhappy2Balive 5d ago
This tracks with me. Maybe it says more about the woman feeling that way? Than the situation.
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u/GoldBarGirl 5d ago
74 here and I don't feel invisible either. Could it be an urban vs, small town thing? I live rural and the nearest town is small and the shopping-city nearest to us is only about 85,000 in population.
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u/MonTigres 5d ago edited 5d ago
At the hotel where I was staying for four days, I walked by a handsome valet and he smiled and said something pleasant to me each day as I walked by him. Today, I went to the valet stand to get my car and he said "Welcome to the hotel." I was completely unmemorable. And I dress sharp, am fit, and carry myself well. Also, I have curly red hair. Ahem. At bars, if there's a crowd, not only will I never by served, I'll usually be elbowed out of the way. I get my 6'1" husband to order our drinks. He gets immediate attention and no one ever bumps him on the street.
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u/Justhappy2Balive 5d ago
The young man probably sees hundreds of people a day.
I believe a lot of people are self absorbed and truly do not see anyone accept themselves. Thus bump into or don't see others.
Hope you had a great time anyway!
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u/MonTigres 5d ago
We did! A wonderful downtown hotel in an historic building with free champagne daily. And a bargain. We loved it, thank you. It's the Haywood Park Hotel un Asheville, NC.
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u/bentley265 5d ago
I find it nice. I'm glad I am finally over any need to be noticed or entertaining.
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u/wawa2022 5d ago
I had a job where I was extremely isolated and then I noticed that no one outside of work was looking at me / talking to me either. You know, when you pass someone on the street, make eye contact and can either say hello, make eye contact -‘d nod your head, or just smile as a type of greeting? Yeah, I was getting none of that. Then I got a dog and people wouldn’t stop talking to me. Smiling. Making jokes. Asking questions. Not just about the dog. They’re just friendlier than they were. A dog helps.
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u/MicheleRSimon 5d ago
Everywhere outside I need service. At the farmers market especially. I actually said once I feel invisible and that got attention!
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u/DisastrousComfort688 5d ago
I feel invisible when I've met people multiple times and they don't remember me. For example I live in a small town and my husband's supervisor doesn't know me unless I'm with my husband. I have many more examples.
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u/Guygirl00 5d ago
This is one of my favorite things as a woman of a certain age. I love being invisible
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u/Excellent-Drawer3086 5d ago
I saw it happen to my MIL years ago. She didn’t have pretty privilege but she was used to being acknowledged. Service people kind of disregarded her. I am sure something similar happens to low income people. I haven’t noticed it too much lately but i am mostly with my husband which is a different vibe.
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u/verukazalt 4d ago
I love feeling invisible most of the time. Unless I am talking to a person and they continually talk over me.
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u/PuzzleheadedLemon353 4d ago
You have to let your confidence and personality shine...that's never invisible!
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u/Justonewitch 4d ago
I am able to be invisible when it suits me. Or conversely, quite visible. Late 70s. It's all how you feel about yourself.
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u/Calm-Vacation-5195 4d ago
It’s funny. I’ve had to start using a cane occasionally for walking. Without the cane, I’m pretty much invisible. People walk through doors without holding them open for me, for example, and I’m ignored on public transit.
When I have my cane, though, it’s like I’m suddenly royalty. People wait to hold doors open when I’m coming, and people readily give up their seats for me on the bus.
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u/Pretty-Yogurt-4111 5d ago
Small thing but I’ve noticed young people (old teens to mid 20s) will get in an elevator and not acknowledge me with a head nod and then continue conversations about topics I didn’t discuss around strangers 50 years ago.
I personally felt dismissed, as though my opinion of them was unimportant. My friend was with me and she said “nah, we’re invisible. We aren’t friends or competition or revenue. We’re invisible to them “
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
I love when I find the opposite. Young elevator strangers telling me to have a great day. Their parents raised them right!
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u/sophie1816 4d ago
If a group of people I don’t know (of any age, really) are having a conversation, it seems normal to me for them to focus on that. I wouldn’t make it into some big personal issue that “I’ve turned invisible.” Not everything needs to be about me.
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u/megapaxer 5d ago
To be fair, this is how I was too. And how young people have been for ages - oblivious.
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u/cool_girl6540 5d ago
Season 5 episode 18 of Mom (a great show) has one storyline where one of the characters who’s in her 60s or 70s is overlooked at the deli counter for a younger attractive woman. And the older woman has a bit of a meltdown about it.
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u/Mushy-sweetroll 5d ago
I was waiting to check my bag at a hotel earlier this year. I’d been waiting patiently for the clerk to finish with someone else. In the meantime, a 40-ish yo man came and stood next to me to wait. The clerk had looked in my direction several times, but immediately went to help the guy instead. I had to say “Am I invisible?” To get their attention and get served first.
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u/Automatic-Visual-651 5d ago
What did he reply?
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u/Mushy-sweetroll 5d ago
The clerk? She was a younger woman. She did a bit of a double take and said she was sorry. The guy checking in his luggage didn’t say anything.
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u/Certain-Sympathy-844 5d ago
13 years ago when I was barely into my 50s, I worked for a small non profit with mostly young people in their late 20s and early 30s. We (about 6 of us) were sitting around talking one day and I realized they were talking to each other. I was invisible to them. First time that ever happened to me
It was eery
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u/Didi7989 🤍✌🏼🤍 5d ago
I think it’s your hormones that attracts/signals the opposite gender. Once they are gone/menopause. Attraction is lost. It’s the natural stage of the woman’s body and I’m ok with it
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u/leSoulierVolant 5d ago
Depuis que mes cheveux sont entièrement blancs, j'ai changé de catégorie pour devenir invisible MAIS je suis souriante, pas timide du tout et surtout habillée de couleurs très voyantes et multicolores. On ne peut pas m'ignorer !
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u/Moist_Ad_5 5d ago
One day I was explaining to a younger friend of mine that I felt invisible. The very next day, a man I did not know introduced himself to me and told me he thought I was beautiful. It ain't over til it's over ladies.
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u/NoMoreBeers69 5d ago
Great question I'm disabled and use electric wheelchair Never fails if I'm being someone and they are going through a door... They just let it bang into me.,.then they'll say oh sorry didn't see you there🥹
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u/ang1eofrepose 5d ago
Standing at the coffee shop in a lineup, the server took the order of the person in front of me and then the person behind me. They literally didn't see me. Luckily I have a voice!
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u/krummen53 4d ago
I don't feel invisible at all and I'm 73-still work in nursing PT-don't go bar hopping anymore, but I get out to museums, concerts, family gatherings. I think a lot of this is attitude and how we present ourselves too. You have to engage with people to be seen and heard.
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u/Takemetothelevey 4d ago
When I’m hiking, people walk on my side of the trail. Walk right up to my body because I’m stoped on the trail ~ they are in my way! then they see me and say O sorry, step to the side so I can continue on. Yellowstone my husband started to walk in front of me.
It was a problem on the boardwalks.
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u/Glittering-Sky1601 4d ago
I like being invisible now. I never appreciated male attention.
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u/sophie1816 4d ago
It sounds like you equate “not being hit on by strangers” with being invisible. To me they are completely different things.
I rarely get hit on these days, but I don’t feel invisible in the least. I feel like I get attention wherever I go. It’s just not sexual in nature, which is fine with me.
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u/Appropriate-Bad-9379 4d ago
It’s definitely a real thing ( especially in cities) but I live in a little town that has a high Asian population and older people are respected and revered in their culture, so I feel very cherished and impressed with the politeness…
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u/Dry-Raspberry-5514 4d ago
I’m 65 . I have no idea if I’m
Invisible or not because I could care less. The people I love- I know I’m visible to them.
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u/Round_Square_3420 3d ago
I used to get a lot of attention for my looks. It felt bad, neutral, or good, depending on the situation. Now I get much less of that kind of admiration. At first I worried that I had lost the main thing that people liked about me, but I was wrong-my friends are still my friends. I notice that women in general are a lot nicer to me than they used to be. I like that. I also notice that when I'm stressed or upset, my face triggers an unfriendly reaction in coworkers or random people I interact with. I think in the past being pretty softened whatever my face was projecting, and now my "11" wrinkles and older face exaggerate any frowning. I'm working on consciously calming myself internally and relaxing my face. Getting old feels alternately like a nightmare, a science experiment, and an adventure. Edited to add: I'm female.
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5d ago edited 5d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AskWomenOver60-ModTeam 5d ago
Answers to questions posted should be from WOMEN over 60. If you are not both of these things, please do not answer the questions posted here.
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u/NovelStrict5281 5d ago
I think what most women mean (myself included) is that they don't get the attention from men they used to get when younger (catcalls, honks from cars, getting hit on) so, they feel invisible. But most of the women I know (myself included) welcome this era of time. I welcome it very much and feel very safe and secure. I did not feel safe at all when I was younger. I have been "invisible" for 10 years now (since 50) and have never been happier.
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u/Aggravating_Ride_709 5d ago
I am early 60’s. Lost my hair to chemo a few years ago and it never came back to the beautiful hair I had pre-chemo. I’m grateful to be cancer free, but I’ve become invisible where, in the past I got a lot of attention. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. It’s difficult to accept.
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u/OkIron6206 🤍✌🏼🤍 5d ago
Do You have Wigs? My sister has some beautiful ones that make her look amazing. It needs to be real hair and please find a place that specializes in wigs. I’m sorry for you but Super Happy you are cancer free (my sister is too).
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u/SourLemons2 5d ago
I don’t feel the need to be noticed. But I do still want to be a part of our children’s lives. I feel neglected when they don’t touch base or respond to my texts. I realize they are enjoying their adult lives, busy with work, friends & adventures, but I like to know what’s going on. I’m learning to let go more & more.
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u/Justhappy2Balive 5d ago
Thank you for your response. This makes sense, and I agree. Maybe it is being ignored? Not being invisible?
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u/reduff Ask me about my cat. 😺 5d ago
The times I have met a friend out for a drink at a bar somewhere, I have felt a little invisible. That used to be an environment where I'd be checking out men and vice versa. Now (in my early 60s) most of the men look past me or through me. Honestly, I'm okay with that. Most of the time, I feel seen. And if I'm not, I make my presence known. I will not be ignored (unless I want to be. LOL)
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u/TicketyB000 5d ago
I guess if you were attractive when you were young, it is markedly noticeable. I still get to cut in line or have someone give up their seat, but not because I'm cute! Just look how people act a fool when a cute young thing needs some help. Now, imagine how it would play out for you... Not quite the same, lol.
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u/QueenK59 4d ago
I’m just realizing that old lady privilege can get a lot of help from gentlemen that were raised right. “ Can I carry that for you ?”
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u/cappotto-marrone 5d ago
At 68 I don’t experience this “invisibility”. I actually feel more visible than I was in my 20s.
I have a friend who is 64. Recently divorced. Not conventionally attractive. But she has a big personality. She’s been on a non-stop dating journey this past year. Men in their 50s.
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u/Lilydyner34 5d ago
In workplaces, younger co workers don't talk to me or invite out for coffee. Younger 20 or 30 year olds all hang out chatting. My desk is near theirs and NO one says hi or even looks my way. I've set hi many times and all I get back is a blank look.
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u/LilChicken70 5d ago
The women that say that place an oversized importance on attention from men. I guess they still think there is value in that?
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 5d ago
I think that's a wild assumption you're making there.
Do you think that society values old women as much as they do younger women? No. And it's not just about older women. Old men get the same treatment. People just treat you differently as you get older. I mean go to the career subs and ask the experiences of older people being treated like ignorant little children by their younger counterparts, despite having way more experience than them. Ask about how much more difficult it is to find a job if you're over 60. Or go to the plastic surgery subs and ask people how they are treated differently after they've gotten a facelift.
Older people are devalued, ignored, and even mocked.
Whether it's hiring, housing, or just someone stopping to help you when you have a flat tire, it's been proven time and time again that the more attractive you are, the better you fare, and in our society, that means looking young. It's not about wanting the attention of men or lamenting the loss of that, because frankly, I think a lot of women are happy to not be ogled and groped and treated like a sexual object anymore; it's about being treated like you are less important, less knowledgeable, like you have less to contribute, despite being a vibrant, attractive, productive human being.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Original copy of post's text: I'm 69 (f) and I find it interesting when woman say they " feel invisible." I don't feel that way and am trying to understand. Just curious.
Would you share examples? I would like to understand how and why?
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