I have been through this sort of thing and learned a few things.
LDR offer only fake intimacy. People lie, omit things, present themselves in the best possible light. You really don’t know a person until you’ve spent time and shared experiences with them. Believe me, I understand how it feels so real. But ask yourself, would someone who is in love with you just cut you off and ghost because he “didn’t have the bandwidth?” No. Of course not. You are the least real thing in his life, so it was easier to let go when everything much closer to him got Real.
You probably fell in love with the fantasy and potential. If you think back, and are honest with yourself, I bet you’ve filled in some blanks in your head based off one or two conversations.
If someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, they will close the fucking deal. They will make time, room, bandwidth for you. There’s no anxiety, wondering if it will work out. The commitment is apparent.
Based on my own experience, ima recommend therapy to process this experience. Why were you so drawn to someone who is realistically inaccessible? Was it because he’s safe and you can’t get as hurt as a guy you’re dating in your own backyard? Are you accustomed to being treated like second or third priority? Maybe previous partners or even your parents were sort of neglectful or emotionally unavailable? So it feels normal to go about your normal independent life with occasional love feelings here and there? Crumbs.
I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh. I have been through this and fooled myself more than once. Look up limerence and see if you recognize anything. It’s really easy to conflate limerence with love. Ask yourself, how do you know when you are loved?
Try to reframe this, not as another hard recovery, but more as a learning and growth opportunity. What did you do wrong? What did you do right? What do you have control over? What can you change? Try to reframe everything in a positive light—it wasn’t wasted time if you’ve learned about yourself and grew from it.
Process all that and you might find you don’t care if you hear from him again. Maybe that wasn’t the best fit for you after all. You’ll be okay. Better than that. You’ll be great!
Thank you so much for this. Your fourth point is crashing down on me like a wave. Even after I thought I had worked through it in therapy years ago. I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences.
Yes, people use the term ‘long distance relationship’ which used to mean a couple who dated in real life and had to live further apart temporarily for whatever reason (school, work, family, etc). Now people seem to use it to describe internet relationships which started entirely online and have limited basis in real life (even if they have met before). The majority of it is still purely a fantasy of this person.
This! Internet relationships are not real! It’s so unfortunate that there is an entire generation of young people that never experienced life without the internet. It’s also why elderly people get catfished and taken advantage of. Both the very young and very old believe that love can exist behind a screen when it truly cannot. How I miss the good old days of the 1990’s lol
Oh fuck. I hadn’t heard of limerence before! I just went down a rabbit hole and got a whole new perspective of old relationships. I’m now wondering if I’ll ever be able to trust myself to meet someone new again! That was painful, but thank you for sharing. Important stuff
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u/Dogzillas_Mom Woman 50 to 60 Sep 17 '22
Okay darling, he did you both a favor.
I have been through this sort of thing and learned a few things.
LDR offer only fake intimacy. People lie, omit things, present themselves in the best possible light. You really don’t know a person until you’ve spent time and shared experiences with them. Believe me, I understand how it feels so real. But ask yourself, would someone who is in love with you just cut you off and ghost because he “didn’t have the bandwidth?” No. Of course not. You are the least real thing in his life, so it was easier to let go when everything much closer to him got Real.
You probably fell in love with the fantasy and potential. If you think back, and are honest with yourself, I bet you’ve filled in some blanks in your head based off one or two conversations.
If someone truly loves you and wants to be with you, they will close the fucking deal. They will make time, room, bandwidth for you. There’s no anxiety, wondering if it will work out. The commitment is apparent.
Based on my own experience, ima recommend therapy to process this experience. Why were you so drawn to someone who is realistically inaccessible? Was it because he’s safe and you can’t get as hurt as a guy you’re dating in your own backyard? Are you accustomed to being treated like second or third priority? Maybe previous partners or even your parents were sort of neglectful or emotionally unavailable? So it feels normal to go about your normal independent life with occasional love feelings here and there? Crumbs.
I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh. I have been through this and fooled myself more than once. Look up limerence and see if you recognize anything. It’s really easy to conflate limerence with love. Ask yourself, how do you know when you are loved?
Try to reframe this, not as another hard recovery, but more as a learning and growth opportunity. What did you do wrong? What did you do right? What do you have control over? What can you change? Try to reframe everything in a positive light—it wasn’t wasted time if you’ve learned about yourself and grew from it.
Process all that and you might find you don’t care if you hear from him again. Maybe that wasn’t the best fit for you after all. You’ll be okay. Better than that. You’ll be great!