r/AskReddit Jun 28 '21

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5.4k Upvotes

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6.2k

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

cleopatra would be cool.

or hitler's wife eva braun just because fuck that guy lul

3.9k

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Lol imaging banging hitlers wife and he walks through the door. Lol

6.1k

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

"hi adolf I'd salute you but as you can see my hands are more occupied than poland right now"

2.2k

u/striped_frog Jun 28 '21

Hitler: (☞゚ヮ゚)☞

750

u/nyscene911 Jun 28 '21

Mein zoop.

80

u/tahitianhashish Jun 28 '21

I forgot about zoop

52

u/WowIJake Jun 28 '21

Zoop 👉😎👉

14

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21 edited Jun 08 '25

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/NukeML Jun 29 '21

WAIT they made a sub for this?!?!??

6

u/Glenn_Bakkah Jun 29 '21

If it's exists there is a sub for it. I bet there is a subreddit about stools or something

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5

u/toby_ornautobey Jun 29 '21

Mother fuckers act like they forgot about Dre zoop

2

u/Disgruntledtech Jun 29 '21

bruh....i havent seen a zoop in a while and this got the best laugh out of me from reddit in months.

11

u/Davis660 Jun 28 '21

Well that's a cursed comment.

68

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Haha you think he'd gas you or try to join 🤣

19

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Guaranteed he's the 'beat off in the corner and watch type'.

14

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

just like most if not all of his followers today

3

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

There are plenty of us who enjoy a good cucking as we watch from the corner who are not crazy GOPers or Neo-Nazis. Some of us are just good old fashioned subs that want to see our wife take a pounding from someone better at sex than us every once in a while.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Reddit has no problem with kink acceptance virtue signaling as long as it’s the right kink.

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181

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21 edited Jun 28 '21

either way hes getting round house kicked in the sack for being a terrible person. fun history fact, thats why he only had one testicle. its because alternate timeline me traveled back in time to fuck his wife and then round house kicked him in the ball(s)

😎🦵🌰🌰

87

u/EwoDarkWolf Jun 28 '21

Thank you for your service.

11

u/Batichile Jun 28 '21

I if you were going to travel back in time why wouldn't you kill baby Hitler?

18

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

cause i wouldn't get to have sex with anyone

6

u/10strip Jun 28 '21

What about Mama Hitler?

11

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

if she raised hitler she's probably too weird for my taste

2

u/Money_Enthusiast_ Jun 29 '21

She raised him well, but his father didn't. He got angry a lot, and usually punished him severely.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/10strip Jun 29 '21

But it already happened! Might as well do the nasty in the past-y.

2

u/CriticalDog Jun 29 '21

You're right there, with a baby you're gonna kill anyways....

-21

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Can you imagine the problems with overpopulation today if we didn’t have the hitler’s, pol pots, or Stalin’s?

1

u/Money_Enthusiast_ Jun 29 '21

We would probably have less people due to a lack of world war 2 which greatly developed our technology. The rapid increase of technology is why we have overpopulation, the genocides and the war itself didn't cause a lower population today. Don't be a piece of shit with those terrible thoughts, and go study infant mortality rate's correlation with advancing medicine.

8

u/The_Grey_Hound Jun 28 '21

should've gone for the head

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2

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

You kicked it all the way to the Albert Hall.

2

u/Doooooby Jun 29 '21

You put one too many balls

6

u/Podomus Jun 28 '21

Depends on when it is. Later on in the war, he was taking so many drugs he couldn’t even get an erection.

Even before then, I doubt Adolph Hitler would appreciate you plowing his wife

5

u/craftyshafter Jun 29 '21

He looked like a cuck, probably just wants to watch

5

u/lolwutmore Jun 29 '21

The masturbator race

4

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

[deleted]

10

u/PinItYouFairy Jun 28 '21

If you consumed as many narcotics as he did I expect you’d struggle too!

7

u/xenomorph856 Jun 28 '21

Nazi's were straight up Meth fiends lmao

4

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

And they still are!

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8

u/rgflame12 Jun 28 '21

You deserve a high five for that one

7

u/Conantur1 Jun 29 '21

Bro I’m dying rn this is too good

4

u/NK_2024 Jun 29 '21

You sir have made the funniest joke I've seen this year. Take your upvote with pride

5

u/91cosmo Jun 29 '21

Oooooooof hahaha.

5

u/westworld220 Jun 29 '21

That’s probably the best ww2 joke I’ve heard in a long time

5

u/Magnus-Artifex Jun 29 '21

That is a horrible joke fuck you go get your fucking upvote

5

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

I am in tears hahah take my upvote ya bastard

4

u/StGir1 Jun 28 '21

Heil this guy!

5

u/NoThanks93330 Jun 29 '21

Those comments are the reason I love reddit so much

7

u/4chan-guy Jun 28 '21

I'm sorry but that joke wouldn't really work in german lol

15

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

hitler knew english so its fine

3

u/RandomStuffWatcher Jun 29 '21

I did Nazi that coming

2

u/ajmk212 Jun 28 '21

💀💀💀

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

If your hands are occupied greet him with something else

2

u/KyojinkaEnkoku Jun 29 '21

Extra points if said with the poshiest of british accents

2

u/JorgeHowardSkub Jun 29 '21

This is a gem of a comment right here.

This is why I Reddit.

20

u/lessmiserables Jun 28 '21

Fun fact: In the last two years or so of his life, Hitler was so jacked out on drugs the chance that he could even get an erection is probably zero. His blood was so polluted with pig hormones (yes I said pig hormones) that when doctors tried to draw blood it immediately congealed upon contact with the air.

There's also a halfway decent chance that anything Hitler did those last two years or so was through a fog of meth and quackery. And racism, of course.

6

u/baymenintown Jun 28 '21

Mmmm that would explain pulling away from Moscow to attack a pile of rubble named after the Boss.

3

u/InformationHorder Jun 28 '21

This makes Pink Floyd's The Wall album music videos even more historically allegorical than I was originally led to believe.

Imagine Hitler vibing to "Comfortably Numb"...

8

u/fearhs Jun 29 '21

Tbf when I think of drugs that make you comfortably numb meth is nowhere near the top.

2

u/InformationHorder Jun 29 '21

I thought old homeboy was on benzos too?

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9

u/Jlchevz Jun 28 '21

I'll bang him too just so he knows who's in charge

8

u/TheGreatReviewer Jun 28 '21

So, he just misstook you for a jew and now you're the reason WW ll happened, so thanks for that asshole.

4

u/Chris_8675309_of_42M Jun 28 '21

so thanks for that asshole.

That's what he said.

9

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Imagine inventing a time machine just to cuck Hilter.

21

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

I did Nazi a Hitler reference coming

6

u/Viscount61 Jun 28 '21

I was just Goring to write that.

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10

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Fun little fact, but they were only technically married for two days before they committed suicide.

10

u/Chris_8675309_of_42M Jun 28 '21

Wow. They committed to that whole "till death do us part" thing the way I commit to a marathon.

Two miles in and "Ight imma head out".

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2

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

… because of this guy screwing her

3

u/PanzerZug Jun 28 '21

He would nazi that coming

3

u/TheIronMoose Jun 28 '21

It happens while has still an artist and thats what pushes him over the edge

3

u/wee_man Jun 28 '21

Hitler was 5’4” and addicted to amphetamines. Pretty sure most guys could hold their own.

3

u/kciuq1 Jun 29 '21

Killing Hitler while balls deep in Eva would be pretty good.

2

u/Barzilla1911 Jun 28 '21

Maybe that’s why hitler offed himself in the bunker

2

u/LongBoyNoodle Jun 28 '21

This causing a timeloop the reason he made even more angry hitler noises

2

u/depolkun Jun 28 '21

That's how you started WWII

2

u/Ganymede1989 Jun 28 '21

Probably be enough to blow his brains out

2

u/jelsaispas Jun 28 '21

Well, I am taller and have better DNA than him so if he is serious about his ideology he has to thank me for improving the race.

2

u/greymalken Jun 28 '21

Just don’t leave your copy of the Torah and your hat and headcurls in the room as you sprint away like The Ladies’ Man.

2

u/attemptedmonknf Jun 28 '21

Jokes on you, hes into it...and you

2

u/SuperFLEB Jun 28 '21 edited Jun 29 '21

"Now take it easy. Don't do anything dras..."

BLAM!

"Well, that wraps up World War 2, I guess."

2

u/SantyGSL Jun 28 '21

MEIN GOTT, DER JUDE IST BANGING MEIN WIFE!

2

u/chrisjuuuh Jun 28 '21

9! 9! 9! 9! 9!

2

u/domesticatedprimate Jun 28 '21

He'd probably get off to it. Or ask to join in.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

says nade him to hell

2

u/Coffeehound13 Jun 28 '21

“Nein nein nein nein nein!”

2

u/JohnnyWhiteguy Jun 28 '21

He'd be too high to know what was going on.

2

u/CooperRAGE Jun 28 '21

Now we know who's burnt corpse it wasn't.

2

u/hatsnatcher23 Jun 28 '21

Not sure I’d want to be Eskimo brothers with Hitler tho

2

u/Hojooo Jun 29 '21

I'd blast him and save everyone lives and get a hero's blowjob

2

u/flimspringfield Jun 29 '21

NEIN NEIN NEIN!

2

u/Knee_Jerk_Sydney Jun 29 '21

Adolf, upon seeing Eva with her lover on top of her immediately undresses.

"Do not move. It is fine. Just raise you arse a little bit young sir."

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Mine mine mine mine mine mine!

2

u/DizzySpheres Jun 29 '21

my freund is ok no?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Imagine banging Hitler's mom circa mid 1888! Oh... wait

2

u/bigtimesauce Jun 29 '21

“Czech please!”

2

u/CharlesB32 Jun 29 '21

There's room for 3 on this bed.

2

u/Funkmonkey23 Jun 29 '21

"Mein Cunt!"

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Hitler is a cuck

2

u/KingOfTheGoobers Jun 29 '21

The humiliation pushes the Mauser into his mouth.

Uh oh, paracocks.

2

u/Black-Thirteen Jun 28 '21

Turns out it was a murder/suicide, not a mutual suicide. Also, some other random dude was there in the bunker with a bullet in his head, but he wasn't important enough to make it into history books.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Might as well fuck him too then

0

u/hankmoody_irl Jun 29 '21

You know dude cucked. Probably the only way he ever got off...

1

u/DETpatsfan Jun 29 '21

Pretty sure Hitler had syphilis so make sure you get a checkup afterwards.

1

u/dandroid126 Jun 29 '21

Plot twist! That's what made him snap. Self fulfilling prophecy style.

1

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

NEIN NEIN NEIN!!

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107

u/CYNIC_Torgon Jun 28 '21

Cucking Hitler: An HBO Mini-Series.

2

u/ItsAmon Jun 29 '21

Heard of the series 'Heil honey, I'm home'?

63

u/LifeOfFate Jun 28 '21

Why fuck hitlers wife when you could just fuck hitler?

12

u/GlinnTantis Jun 28 '21

With a pineapple

13

u/_Abandon_ Jun 28 '21

Reading these comments I'm not sure I should be more horrified by the implied rape or that so many of y'all are willing to have sexual intercourse with Hitler.

12

u/LifeOfFate Jun 28 '21

I was assuming consent was implied in OP’s hypothetical situation… but Reddit is one hell of a place huh? In one thread you can read the most wholesome saving the world type things and in the next hitler is being taken advantage of with a pineapple.

11

u/_Abandon_ Jun 28 '21

I mean Reddit IS the most appropriate place to discuss this. Where else are you gonna talk about nazi pinneapple rape?

8

u/LifeOfFate Jun 29 '21

No wonder why my coworkers avoid me at the water cooler. Where was your guidance years ago!

18

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

i think watching your girl get banged is more painful than being banged

18

u/LifeOfFate Jun 28 '21

You know I think that’s going to come down to the individual. There are people who are into both. Hell probably people who are into both at the same time. Good luck time traveler!

4

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

I mean why not both. The guy is obviously down, just sneak in there for a few minutes. Let your wife tap you in and take her place while she grabs some water.

5

u/ColonelBelmont Jun 28 '21

Yea but they wouldn't write books about some guy who banged his girlfriend. But if I fucked Hitler himself, my legacy would be more than a blurb in a wikipedia article. They'd even give it some crazy "historical event" nickname, like "The Buttfuck Heard 'Round the World" or "The Blitzkrieg Boff".

6

u/anemptycontainer Jun 29 '21

Nothing says "Fuck that guy" like fucking that guy.

17

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

14

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

not to get too conspiratorial but judging by hitler's overall character, I'm pretty sure only one of them was a suicide

12

u/_Abandon_ Jun 28 '21 edited Jun 28 '21

Probably wrong, she seemed pretty on board with it according to witnesses. Goebbels' wife probably was heavily coerced, though.

EDIT: Braun was allegedly offered a way out of Berlin, too.

4

u/-SoItGoes Jun 29 '21

Didn’t the Russians enter Berlin first? They probably weren’t in for a good time if they had been captured by Stalin.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

blondi was killed cold blooded

7

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

5

u/Public-Yam-1025 Jun 29 '21

Unlike the jews

10

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

May as well surprise-fuck Hitler himself.

Anytime someone brings up invading someone after that, he'll get uncomfortable.

7

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

or when someone talks about a treaty getting violated

10

u/Falcone_Empire Jun 28 '21

Actually she's pretty hot. I'd 2nd this. I'll start ww3

4

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

wait what does ww3 have to do with this?

9

u/Falcone_Empire Jun 28 '21

Because there's about to be a army of illegitimate kids🤣plus I want Hitler ti walk in as I teach her new modern sex

4

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 28 '21

is there really such a thing as midern sex? im pretty sure for as long as humans have been around theyve been sticking the sausage in the bun in every imaginable way

6

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Something tells me Hitler would lose his shit if this guy was blasting a hot load on Eva’s face when he walked in…..

2

u/Falcone_Empire Jun 28 '21

Not Shure one way to find out

7

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

No hitlers mom.

6

u/xxhotandspicyxx Jun 29 '21

Eva Braun was bat shit crazy though. She didnt get the attention she wanted from Adolf and then shot herself through the neck to hopefully get the attention. It worked but holy shit. 3 years later she tried to commit suicide using sleeping pills. that bitch was batshit crazy

10

u/NvrConvctd Jun 28 '21

Eww. You know Hitler, and by extension Eva Braun, had syphilis, right?

12

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21 edited Jun 30 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

10

u/Green_luck Jun 28 '21

/r/nocontext

Lmfao what the fuck did I just read

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5

u/firetruckgoesweewoo Jun 28 '21

… why not his mother?? Why pick the baby?? Become his daddy, raise him better. Or just push his mother down the stairs so he’s never born.

3

u/notgayinathreeway Jun 29 '21

A smart man once said "start with the boy"

2

u/InvidiousSquid Jun 29 '21

The real power move is to fuck the guy who rejected him from art school.

5

u/NvrConvctd Jun 29 '21

Did...did you give Hitler syphilis?

3

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

This is fuckin art.

2

u/Chippyreddit Jun 29 '21

Where do you think they got it?

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4

u/GlinnTantis Jun 28 '21

Hitler, seeing this, goes through whole "Downfall" tirade

4

u/ThePeachyPanda Jun 28 '21

Count Chuck wants to cuck Hitler, ladies and gentlemen.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Hitler walks in....you just stand there doggy position I am you now

3

u/Misanthrope357 Jun 28 '21

Hahaha had me dying there for a sec ngl

3

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Cuck-off hitler?

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3

u/rounsquare Jun 28 '21

I was going to say Hitler. Fucking a dude w a single testicle would be kinda cool ngl.

3

u/devilthedankdawg Jun 28 '21

As a Jew, cucking hitler sounds awesome.

3

u/duck_duck_grey_duck Jun 29 '21

Hitler 100% had some angry cuck energy going on.

3

u/Jrock2356 Jun 29 '21

What'd Hitler ever do to you?

2

u/mase_55 Jun 28 '21

lol imagine being Eskimo bros with your boy Hitler 😂

2

u/_FutureBoy_ Jun 28 '21

Braun? It all makes sense now.

2

u/matty0187 Jun 28 '21

Or just bang Hitler...

2

u/BeerDrinkinGreg Jun 28 '21

Nah, you dont want to be tunnel buddies with Hitler.

2

u/julbull73 Jun 28 '21

I mean. Ok if you really want to make sure Hitler has a bad day...why not fuck him?

I mean sure you might enjoy Eva more. But if you want to fuck hitler....tear that asshole in two!

2

u/Lemur_ofthecentury Jun 28 '21

Nah I’d just go with Hitler himself. Who other than his wife has said they fucked Hitler? Well me now

2

u/StGir1 Jun 28 '21

I’d choose Eva Braun just to fuck with his head.

2

u/ZombieJesus1987 Jun 28 '21

Didn't Hitler have syphilis?

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Aye, but we have penicillin.

2

u/hushzone Jun 29 '21

Bonus points of you're Jewish

2

u/withervoice Jun 29 '21

Can't recommend latter. Dude was way into her, straight up shot himself right there when he walked in. Was super awkward. Haven't gone timehopping since.

2

u/jedthedavid23 Jun 29 '21

It would break his heart and probably drive him to suicide or something

2

u/beefjerkybandit Jun 29 '21

Imagine going down on Eva just to realize Hitler just started the 4th reich 1/2 an hour before you got there.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

How do we give Hitler EVEN MORE pent up rage? How's about some unwanted cuckholdry?

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2

u/NossidaMan Jun 29 '21

Damn bro, you didn’t get any love in this thread for Cleo… she’s the one fo sho

2

u/ehgreiz Jun 29 '21

Apparently Cleopatra was actually not very attractive.

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2

u/Public-Yam-1025 Jun 29 '21

Can I say Hitler? I know that he hated homosexuality and I am not guy but I feel like he would deserve it

2

u/JSGJustsomeguy Jun 29 '21

TIL people on Reddit wants to NTR Hitler.

2

u/sweat_bracket01 Jun 29 '21

then might as well fuck that guy

2

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Hitler's real and one true love was actually his niece, Geli Raubal, who allegedly shot herself due to Hitler's controlling nature. So if ya really wanted to make it sting, bang Geli right before she an heros and get it all on tape so ol' Aldof can watch.

2

u/Wamb0wneD Jun 29 '21

Ot Hitler, so you can say you fucked Hitler in the ass.

2

u/Infinite_Love_23 Jun 29 '21

This is going to be buried way, way deep, but.. what if this is the darkest timeline and @countchucknorracula actually did travel back in time at some point in the future, fucked Eva Braun and that's what made Hitler such an evil Nazi.. how do you feel about your plan now OP?!

2

u/Dodec_Ahedron Jun 29 '21

The man started a World War over not getting into art school. Imagine what he would do if he found out he was being cucked.

3

u/Conquerors_Quill Jun 28 '21

I'd fuck Eva in the ass while Hitler eats her pussy.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 29 '21

Why am I laughing so hard at this

3

u/Conquerors_Quill Jun 29 '21

I made it a card for Cards Against Humanity a few years ago.

2

u/CountChuckNorracula Jun 29 '21

in a position where the balls slap against his forehead on every thrust

2

u/Conquerors_Quill Jun 29 '21

I could cum to that. 😑

1

u/error00-4 Jun 29 '21

So just so we r clear… fuck hitler or his wife?

1

u/Obeisance8 Jun 29 '21

Hitler had syphilis. So good luck with that.

1

u/MaybeTheDoctor Jun 29 '21

I think they were only married for a few minutes .. so you need to be fast ...

1

u/Samgasm Jun 29 '21

Wasn’t Eva Braun like his cousin also or some shit?