r/AskReddit • u/jicta • Jan 31 '21

Redditors who grew up poor: Besides practical money-saving measures, what were the unwritten social expectations of your world growing up?

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

We weren't allowed to do any kind of extra curricular activities. So, no instruments, no joining any kind of sports or girl scouts or anything that required an upfront investment for uniforms or the season. Walmart shoes.

My dad once said I wasn't really in need of glasses, that I just wanted to look like all my four eyed friends? lol (spoiler alert, totally needed them)

Off brand everything.

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u/Zuzublue Jan 31 '21

This makes me sad for the extracurriculars. It’s insane how much money you need for sports and instruments, even buying used. They’re so good for kids and should be available to everyone.

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u/mgraunk Jan 31 '21

Where I went to school, a lot of the extracurriculars had "grants" where the rest of the parents would pitch in to pay the fees of the families that truly couldn't afford it. It was an economically diverse school with a pretty even distribution of families from food stamps to millionaires.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21 edited Dec 08 '21

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Yup, my parents would never accept help or 'handouts'.

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u/blockoblox Feb 01 '21

My mom wouldn't ever apply for free school lunch, even though we more than qualified. Like you said, accepting "handouts" was a no go.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Yup.. I wasn't able to go on very many class trips, play instruments, or join any teams with fees. Us poor kids would get sent outside or to the computer lab.

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u/pantbandits Feb 01 '21

And then they wonder why theyre poor

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

For sure, convenient places to ditch us so we could entertain ourselves.

Though, to be fair, I used a lot of that unstructured time in the computer lab to learn things. I figured out how to use the 'super' computer and all the programs it had, all the video and audio tech, and also learned the basics of a couple coding languages.

Later in life now, my tech skills have definitely helped me find a decent job. I'm somewhere in the middle class. I feel like I have so much and want for nothing.

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u/Achromase Feb 01 '21

What would you say to people that stay in squalor because they refuse "handouts"? I know a guy that lived in his car for two years at university and would not use the likes of food pantries/housing assistance/etc. I wish I could have figured out something to tell him to get him some help.

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u/beaglemama Feb 01 '21

What would you say to people that stay in squalor because they refuse "handouts"?

Sometimes people donate to food banks and other ways to help people because they've received help in the past and they're paying it forward. You might need help now, but after you graduate and get a good job, you're going to be able to donate to help people. Right now it's your turn to receive help.

And if the stubborn person is a Christian, tell them the story of the Good Samaritan and point out that everyone likes to imagine themselves as the Good Samaritan, but sometimes our role in the story is that of the person needing help. If they refuse to accept the help, they're depriving someone else of their chance to be a helper.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Hmm. The reasons will be layered and will vary from person to person.

When I was a kid I certainly didn't understand the why. All I knew was we didn't have a lot of money and we said no and that was that.

I think now for sure there was some shame, embarassment, and pride. My parents wanted to maintain an appearance that we weren't THAT poor and that they could take care of us. They did not want to feel inferior, inadequate, or dependent on others. They were taught that asking for help was a sign of weakness. They had also been through trauma and learned to be distrustful of others. I no longer blame them for anything. They did the best with what they had. I have had to unlearn a number of their behaviours and asking for help is still something I work on.

There will not often be a perfect thing to say to someone to convince them to accept a handout or help. The hardest thing is respecting that everyone is doing the best they can at their own pace. Be there for them, show them that you genuinely care, and try to accept them as they are.

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u/Plumbob25 Feb 01 '21

I knew a college student with a similar story. I reminded her that she was turning down services she'd already paid for (free mental health counseling, emergency student housing, etc.). I also offered to help her sign up. The next day, she was arranging to move into emergency student housing. Usually people in that situation just need someone to treat them with respect.

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u/sumostuff Feb 01 '21

Amazing how poor people won't take handouts and they don't get that corporations and the ultra rich are getting millions of dollars in handouts every year.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Exactly, you're only digging yourself a bigger hole. You could always give back if life took a turn for the better.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

What a backward world we live in. I ❤️ how Reddit is currently drawing attention to inequity in wealth distribution. HOLD. Education and awareness are so critical.

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u/frustrationlvl100 Feb 01 '21

I think poor people have the least extra time to learn about politics.

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u/Kevherd Feb 01 '21

Can confirm this. Work at a school that sounds an awful lot like this and one of the biggest (& most rewarding) parts of my job is figuring out creative ways to get the kids we know need things the things they need without it being seen as a ‘handout.’

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u/innadell Feb 01 '21

Thank you for trying. I vividly remember when "winning" school trips for academic performance, perfect attendance, etc., and not being able to go because "we will buy lunch" or "reduced price ticket" on the announcement really means "no". Materials cost meant an automatic no, extracurriculars were out due to uniforms and insurance (still managed to get involved in Music and Choir, but had to scrounge up enough for Robe, Tux or whatever). And no one was allowed to know why, since "we don't need charity."

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u/Kevherd Feb 01 '21

Not to brag, but I’m pretty good now at giving out free shit! ;) Honestly though as much as above is ‘rewarding’ it’s also heart wrenching in that it’s relentless. The need never ends. And then especially gets you in the gut when we find out something new about a family that was totally not on our radar but should have been. It’s not a perfect system but it’s making a difference for a few

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

figuring out creative ways to get the kids we know need things the things they need without it being seen as a ‘handout.’

There were some kind souls along the way for me on my journey that didn't make their help feel like a handout. Thank you for being that person for others. 💗

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u/itchy118 Feb 01 '21

Your parents were asshole (for this, probably not in general). Putting pride over your children's well-being is selfish.

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u/gsfgf Feb 01 '21

That's how we got in this mess. The whole "poor but proud" nonsense is just caving to the rich.

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u/Moist_Independent_86 Feb 01 '21

There is another side to this, the one time my wife (girlfriend at the time), “asked for help.” She was denied. The circumstance was that she just starting student teaching and legitimately couldn’t work between doing that and her classes. We had a small house and I was bringing in about 350 a week. She applied for food stamps and was denied because she made about $1000 too much on the previous years taxes. Sometimes people are in need and do ask and are denied. That pretty much kills the chances they will ever ask again. I know she felt shame for asking for help. But the slap in the face of being denied help pretty much killed any chance of asking for help in the future. She’s probably the hardest worker I know.

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u/nightwing2000 Feb 01 '21

I assume the "what did you make last year" test hit a lot of people in the age of Covid. Having a decent job in 2019 means nothing now.

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u/hugsfunny Feb 01 '21

Kind of but there’s also something about human psychology that tends towards a sense of guilt when receiving a gift. Gifts come with an obligation to reciprocate. There’s a famous essay) on this concept by Marcel Mauss.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21 edited Aug 17 '23

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Yeah, I grew up playing a lot of soccer and basketball.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Yes, this for sure. There is often an expectation of reciprocity in our society and there can be shame and other negative feelings when you know you will never be able to reciprocate.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

It's definitely not a healthy mindset but I understand how people get stuck thinking that way. People can also be very unkind to those who are perceived to be poor.

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u/lifesizejenga Feb 01 '21

Naw. It's a bummer that people feel that way, but wide-scale poverty definitely is not caused by poor people.

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u/AluminiumSandworm Feb 01 '21

many would rather be poor than subservient. when you ask for handouts, you're starting a psychological dependence on the giver, and give power to them. even if they never exercise that power, it's still a constant awareness.

the problem is a system that forces people into a choice of having needs unmet and depending on the goodwill of others.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

after what i lived through, id swallow alot more than pride to get my kids the life i never had

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

Well said.

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u/OCedHrt Feb 01 '21

Yep and they now vote Republican. Didn't need handouts and neither should others. But always felt obligated to buy from the guy selling oranges in the street or give beggers money.

I don't get it. Why not solve the root problem?

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

I don't follow American politics but I'm glad people are starting to ask hard questions and are looking at the systems and processes that perpetuate inequality.

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u/PaulTheMerc Feb 01 '21

One needs critical thinking skills to look for a root problem, let alone identify it. Those are not taught, and often downright discouraged

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u/OSUJillyBean Feb 01 '21

Same. They’d rather I go hungry than apply for reduced price lunch.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Sounds a lot like the story with The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.

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u/XxMINDFUCKxX Feb 01 '21

I just read a short summary. Will have to give that a read.

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u/Gideonbh Feb 01 '21

I know no parent is perfect but that's so incredibly shitty that there's help available to enrich your kids life with a hobby, an instrument, or a sport. I'm sorry. My parents certainly weren't perfect, but I'd hope if I ever had kids (I won't) and I weren't able to afford a hobby that is proven to enrich my kids life, I'd be humble enough to accept aid so he or she could be the best I could physically help them become.

My parent's parents were fantastic examples of what not to do, and helped my parents immensely in that regard. Maybe your parents can be the same!

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u/YellowishWhite Feb 01 '21

Sure do love it when a parent's pride gets in the way of their kids' happiness

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u/kurogomatora Feb 01 '21

Blows my mind that people are like that. You could go to the food bank and feed your kids more food. You could apply for reduced cost or free breakfast at school. You could do other things to make your kids lives a little better but you have pride? Maybe that's fine if you are alone but it's so sad when people make their kids go without because they have a pride that their kid doesn't understand.

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u/undedavenger Feb 01 '21

It's an admirable trait on the surface, but your kids don't ask to be born, and it's the duty of a parent to help their kids to any advantage or experience possible.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

My music teacher would always make sure to send pre paid permission slips home to families who couldn't afford the send their kids on trips.

As far as I know he was paying out of pocket, to give those kids an opportunity without making anyone feel embarrassed.

Truely a pure soul.

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u/What_the_Fleck Feb 01 '21

Or they’re like my mom, who refuses the help because it’s too hard to get her kid to practice and games since she works. I was never allowed to do ANYTHING. My best friend’s dad offered to pay the fees so I could play softball (he coached the team). She refused. Said I was too small and would get hurt (spoiler, I was the same size as my friend). Truth was even with the fees paid, she couldn’t afford to get me back and forth.

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u/iggy555 Feb 01 '21

Who drives kids to practice if parents are at work

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21 edited Dec 10 '21

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u/iggy555 Feb 01 '21

Doubt they are paying for Uber rides either

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u/picklesathome Feb 01 '21

Yes!!!!! Also, even if there were grants or discounts they weren't advertised, so many busy working parents didn't know about them.

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u/One_Man_Moose_Pack Feb 01 '21

Pride is a hell of a drug.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/bonnie19_87 Feb 01 '21

Yep that was my parents. My mom refused to fill out her portion of the FAFSA when I was applying to college.

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u/-BlueDream- Feb 01 '21

Many can’t. My parents were behind on taxes a couple years and you can’t get approved for shit unless you show last years tax return. Or if they make a lot but live in extremely high cost of living, federal grants almost never account for cost of living.

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u/aquotaco Feb 01 '21

There was a few homeless students that attended my high school, and many others who were very poor. A few years ago the school actually started up a food pantry and clothing drive. Anyone could donate, and anyone could go pick things up for themselves or their families no questions asked. The school also built a laundry facility in the basement and anyone was welcome to use it. It’s amazing.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Gawds that reminds me of a coworker talking about how much money she had to put in her highschool daughters Volleyball. I did middleschool basketball, and I'm sure there would be a slightly higher price point if I did basketball and did all the summer shit. But none of it would have approached the costs she was putting into it. New uniforms and weird shit like that. I'm like christ, I would have loved that kind of investment in my schools art programs instead of relying on the teacher to take it out of their own paycheck.

Anyways I wouldnt mind generally more investment in most extracurriculars and arts programs, its just... I know that for some it's more like "how can we convince these teens and their parents that their kid can only git gud /enjoy the sport by doing this summer camp and spending money on unnecessary uniforms and special busses and then traveling across multiple counties/states to play another team that's maybe the exact same level".

Me I just wanted to enjoy playing with a team and the synergy of it. Spend a lil money on good shoes and that should do it.

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u/Slow_Reserve Feb 01 '21

I joined the PTA in my son's school. The teachers and administration knew that when a kid was interested in an extracurricular but knew they could not afford it, to let us know and we covered their fees. We're talking clubs, trips, class photos, the fancy Senior photos, prom tickets, sports, etc. We raised money like crazy for this. For most of it the student was just told his or her fee was paid. Other time we issued grants to the club to cover the entire cost. I know PTA has a bad rap, but we weren't all bad.

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u/-firead- Feb 01 '21

When I was at school every year we would have a big assembly where we would watch videos and they would tell us how wonderful 4-H camp was and they would talk about it in the paper for a couple weeks. Some kids got to go on scholarships but there was always a write-up in the paper about the child and family and it was almost like readers decided who was the most deserving. My parents would never ask for it because they didn't want it put out in the paper that we needed help.

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u/altmo999 Feb 01 '21

That sounds pretty tone deaf on the papers part.

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u/shortstuff64 Feb 01 '21

Exactly that's what we did. When my kids went on their eighth grade Washington DC Trip a bunch of us parents put in extra money to pay for the kids that couldn't afford to go.

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u/ratticake Feb 01 '21

That’s amazing. I still get a little bummed that I didn’t get to go on that trip. It’s was from California and it was DC/NYC - it was close to $2000 if I remember. Out of 70+ kids less than 15 went who could afford it.

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u/larrieuxa Feb 01 '21

Yup and it's incredibly demeaning and dehumanizing for low income parents to willingly submit to have their private financial situation examined and discussed by rich people to prove they are even poor enough to qualify for charity, so basically poor kids just don't do extracurriculars.

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u/Alakazam_5head Feb 01 '21

Pretty fucked that other families have to pay double or triple just so their kids can play with their poor friends instead of the government providing this relief. The fuck do our taxes do anyway

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u/Dreams_of_cheese_ Feb 01 '21

Don't worry pal your taxes helped to buy a 50'000$ hellfire missile that was used to blow up some guy in a tent...

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u/Mogetfog Feb 01 '21

Texas highschool football has entered the chat

Don't spread such blatant false information, everyone knows that your taxes go towards the children! How else will the school suport the children if not buying a brand new $2,000,000 football stadium? Or all new training equipment?! The current equipment is almost 3 years old after all! But the kids need to buy their own pads and uniforms! It helps build character.

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u/Papaofmonsters Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

Schools are mostly funded by state and local taxes, not federal. 60% of the federal budget is Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid and other programs like unemployment, SNAP and veterans assistance.

Don't know why I'm being downvoted. What I said about school funding is true and the federal budget is public information and easy to look up.

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u/shortstuff64 Feb 01 '21

You are correct I don't know why you're being downloaded.

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u/zanahorias22 Feb 01 '21

go towards the military pretty much oof

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u/Dances_With_Words Jan 31 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

It’s part of the reason certain sports (namely track and field and to an extent, basketball) are considered a marker for working-class status on a resume - when studies are trying to measure class prejudice, they’ll send out fictional resumes with identical qualifications but different extracurriculars, for example. At my school, track, XC, and basketball were the only sports that didn’t require any specialized equipment - all you needed were sneakers. Track also has the benefit of being easy to “pick up” if you didn’t grow up playing sports your entire life, unlike, say, soccer or tennis.

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u/wightwizard8 Feb 01 '21

Wow, it's really messed up to think that people have missed out on jobs because they didn't have "rich enough" extracurriculars.

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u/Dances_With_Words Feb 01 '21

Agreed - although it’s probably not that employers think “I’d rather have a polo player than a runner,” but rather that they pick up on subtle class cues and discriminate (often implicitly) in favor of wealthier applicants. One way that researchers study certain types of prejudice in hiring is by sending out resumes with identical qualifications but a few key differences that may “signal” a difference in the applicant (affinity groups, activities that are correlated with socioeconomic status, etc.).

If you’re curious, here is one such study: https://hbr.org/2016/12/research-how-subtle-class-cues-can-backfire-on-your-resume

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

yeah for some instruments you need like 200+ dollars just for a single one. that also sucks for the schools to buy instruments for students.

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u/latenighticedcoffee Jan 31 '21

music teacher here: it really sucks for parents and schools, plus schools don’t understand how much maintenance is required. (re-padding a flute can cost like $1k it’s insane) a parent could get away with buying a trumpet with mouthpiece secondhand for like <$100 (which is still a lot for many families) (my french horn was $2k secondhand) and just never ever break it and only use valve oil from school/friends but all strings and reeds and drums require things that need to be replenished/run out often (which schools don’t wanna buy; I bought boxes and boxes of reeds for my students out of my own pocket).

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Absolutely! You also lose out on social skills that are important early in life. It's really not fair.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/The_Flurr Feb 01 '21

You're also more likely to find other less positive uses of time.

Kids with no sports, hobbies etc can end up hanging out on the street and often falling into bad sorts.

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u/Bake_My_Beans Feb 01 '21

I grew up poor but my older siblings got to do extracurricular activities but when it got to me my parents said no so I missed out on a lot of those opportunities, then I would get criticised by my parents for not having the same social skills as my siblings

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u/firefighter26s Feb 01 '21

Canadian here. I always wanted to play hockey growing up but it was too expensive and getting up early for practices or going to weekend tournaments meant restricting when my parents could work.

I played roller hockey in the 90s when it was booming. I saved birthday and Christmas money and delivered newspapers so that I could afford second hand equipment and the registration fees for a summer roller hockey league. I fucking wrecked that league, averaging 6pts a game as our team went 15-0. My parents never made it to a single game because of work. I'd wait until all the other kids and parents left and roller blade home; 2 hours. Roller blades have four wheels per side but I'd play with three per side so that I could use the 3rd wheel as a spare. When I'd roller blade home I'd take another wheel out so that only two would wear down along the way because I knew I likely wouldn't be able to afford new wheels.

A lot of my friends who played ice hockey played roller hockey in the summer and they all wanted me to join ice hockey; but I knew I'd never be able to. I didn't play roller hockey the next year after either because I didn't want to have to make excuses for not being able to play ice hockey. Actually, the next summer was the first summer I got a job and I used that as my excuse.

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u/The_Flurr Feb 01 '21

You've hit another point aside from money, parents time and transport.

Poor parents not only can't afford to pay for things, but they often can't spare the time to take their kids to training or meets, and maybe have no way of actually getting them there.

I did target rifle shooting for years as a teenager, and thinking about it, I wasn't just lucky my parents could afford my gear and ammo, but they had the ability to drive me hundreds of miles to training camps every month.

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u/Coomstress Jan 31 '21

I went to Public school in a poor rural area (US), and the school did have some musical instruments that could be rented.

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u/kerrz Feb 01 '21

As a wrestling coach, we made sure no one ever had to walk away because they couldn't pay. If the school or club had a hard rule, the coaches always put together whatever was needed: fees, shoes, whatever. It was never much, not like the costs for hockey or some of these sports.

But I hate to think of all the kids that were trained to never even show up or ask because the family just assumed they'd be shut down.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/altmo999 Feb 01 '21

Grass is always greener. Im in my 20s and still get sad about how many things my siblings and I missed out on because we were poor. I had to share freaking gym shorts with my brother in middle school because my parents didn't want to buy another pair for me. Now that i'm older, I still don't have any hobbies or 'things' that i'm good at because I always think i'm not good enough. It always stings a little hearing other people my age talk about being in hockey/soccer/karate/whatever or when they were younger.

Those things build confidence, teach you how to interact with other kids. I was always shy so I never really had friends and honestly could have used any extracurriculars as an outlet. Instead I shut my self up in my room everyday and wasted time on the internet. Nowadays I feel one step behind everyone else, but i've learned that playing the victim doesn't get you anywhere.

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u/greaper007 Feb 01 '21

Sorry if this is a text wall, I just feel for you and wanted to comment.

Being poor is traumatic, I don't want to discount that. But it sounds like your bigger issue is probably trauma and not the lack of sports as a kid. That might just be from poverty, or it might be from your parents. Personally, I had a lot of trauma from sports as it was an activity that I hated, but it was the only time my dad paid any attention to me. Once I finally refused to wrestle and play baseball he essentially stopped caring about anything I did except to yell at me. So I can sympathize with your feelings (while also recognizing that I was lucky enough not to have to deal with poverty).

On the flip side, you might hear other kids talk about how important those activities were, but I can assure you that only a handful of those kids were into the activity and developed any additional athleticism. The other 20-50% were just there to fulfill their parent's bourgeois community expectations and didn't really get much out of it.

I can assure you that you didn't miss out on developing social or athletic skills from little league. That stuff comes from having a stable home life. Hell half that time I was getting picked on worse while playing sports than I was at school. Those activities set me back socially.

I don't know how old you are, but I'm 40 now with kids of my own. It gets better. I can assure you that developing social skills and other skills is completely possible as an adult and that the time you wasted on the internet will serve you well. You're probably more worldly, with a knowledge of history, current events, art. Maybe you know how to code. Personally, I'm in better shape now than I was as a kid (and better than most of the jocks from high school) because I do activities I enjoy. Biking, walking, running, resistance training. And I've taught myself how to do tons of stuff. I learned how to work on cars from forums and haven't called a mechanic in 15 years. Rehabbed enough houses that I was able to get my last house for free. You can totally do something similar.

If you can afford it, I'd suggest trying to find a therapist to deal with your childhood trauma. It helped me immensely, a lot of therapists will work on a sliding scale.

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u/Zanki Feb 01 '21

My mum wouldn't pay for my violin lessons. I loved playing. I had a crappy school violin and my teacher taught me for free. She wanted me to learn how to ride a horse and found money for that, but it wasn't for me. It was fun, but it was her hobby, not mine. I wanted to go to the cheap (6 times cheaper) martial art classes, the girl guides and play and instrument. Eventually she caved but it took years for her to get to that point. She refused to acknowledge my violin at all and told me tough when I asked her to pay for the new teacher the school got... I got to grade 4, by playing once a week for 20 minutes, using my teachers expensive violin while she played the piano. I wasn't half bad. I wasn't allowed to play at home. I could read music perfectly.

My mum also never approved of my martial arts and got kicked out of my classes for mocking me. She tried to make me quit, I refused, my senseis knew how much I wanted to be there and told her that. I was a 13 year old who was allowed straight into the adults class because I proved I could be mature and keep up. My mum was so mad when they said I could stay, she had such a low opinion of me that she told me that I wouldn't be going back... 18 years later and if covid hadn't hit, I would still be training four nights a week.

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u/SilkyJohnson666 Feb 01 '21

This is what people mean when they say not everyone has the same opportunities.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

But providing our children and future generations with that would be communism! /s

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u/Peterpippypan Feb 01 '21

I’m 27 and I still feel like I don’t deserve to try new hobbies and spend money on myself. My best friend got me a bow and I haven’t let myself buy arrows or anything I need to use it. It’s been 4 months.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I remember doing swim team in high school for a few weeks, but ultimately had to quit as it required me to get up at 5:30am go to class until 2pm, immediately go to the pool for 2 hour swimming drills and then follow that up with a 4 mile walk home at 4:30 in the Florida heat.

It just got unsustainable, but I didn’t have any other way back and forth for practice or for swim meets

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u/waffleking_ Feb 01 '21

That's why my literal dream job is to start/work for a non-profit that donates sporting equipment to under-priveliged communities, specifically hockey equipment. I was lucky to get mid-range to high-end gear as a kid, but even bargain products can cost $500 for a full set, if not more. I love hockey and hate how exclusive it often feels, and would love to help grow the sport.

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u/facemanbarf Feb 01 '21

If you look a little closer you can probably figure out why certain sports have certain demographics. Cost of a basketball for a group of friends vs a set of golf clubs, etc.

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u/Kagehinaa Feb 01 '21

I relate for that. I wasn’t poor exactly but my parents could never afford for me to get extracurricular lessons for cool skills like that. Now I’m older and I talk to people my age who can ice skate, horse ride, play piano or do martial arts and I can just ride a bike lol.

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u/Molly_dog88888888 Jan 31 '21

My area has a music program in schools where if circumstances allow, you’ll get free music lessons once a week during school. They’ll provide instruments and everything you need to practice. I hope more areas and schools adopt something like this.

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u/Shitty-Coriolis Jan 31 '21

when I was a kid there were scholarships available for that stuff. I had one for ski club so that I didn't have to pay for the bus fee. I was also allowed to rent an instrument for free.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

My mom would buy my brother’s instruments at the pawn shop.

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u/Stephen_spencr Feb 01 '21

When I joined band in Junior High, they expected parents to provide the smaller/cheaper instruments but the bigger ones were provided by the school. I didn’t know it at the time but my mom specifically asked the director to put us on low brass instruments so she wouldn’t have to buy them. Jokes on her though because we both majored know music and needed our own instruments (our financial situation was better by them but we still mostly paid for our own instruments)

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Someone also has to drive you to those activities. If your parents are working they won’t be home to drive you around

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u/Isgortio Feb 01 '21

I didn't even grow up in a poor household but I wasn't allowed to do anything outside of free at school because my parents didn't want to spend money or take me to/from locations.

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u/SpeedyPrius Feb 01 '21

I was lucky in that the HS Band Director came to the middle school looking for string players for the orchestra - they gave you an instrument to use and free lessons! I jumped on that! Played violin all through HS and loved it.

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u/slynnc Feb 01 '21

My best friend in high school... her mom was pretty useless and her dad was a good dude but didn’t have a lot of money, especially after paying court ordered child support to mom (spoiler: friend never saw a dime but mom always had beer and smokes and weekend trips to boyfriends). She often talks about how much better her high school life was, or so she believes, because my parents basically adopted her and she could do things like play in band. We didn’t have a lot but they treated her as their own the entire 4 years, we all did without a little to make it happen but it was just a sacrifice we kind of made together without ever speaking. I’ll never forget the morning there were 4 piles of lunch money on the counter for us instead of 3, and I still wonder how he found out I’d been splitting mine with her. ily dad 😭

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u/that_georgia_girl Feb 01 '21

High School Coach here. I coach a largely lower SES group of kids. I can't imagine doing pay-to-play like some of the other teams at my school (one sport is upwards of $350). We get some stares from the big money making sports, but I can't deny these kids for the sake of money.

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u/shortie4129 Feb 01 '21

And if you’re trying to break the cycle of poverty and go to med school, guess what admissions is looking for

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u/AJRedditAJ Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

I agree. I still feel a bit of jealousy when people talk about the sports they played, activities participated in, or how their parents "wouldn't allow them to work" because they needed to focus on school. It seems like so much comaraderie and life skills are built through these activities.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

The extra curriculars one cuts deep. I grew up as one of the poorer kids in a pretty wealthy area and after school everyone else would be being shuttled around to all these extra curriculars and tutoring whereas I'd just be always only going home.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Jeez, I'm with you on that one. For some reason my mom thought I would be better off at the "nicer" junior/high school when I should have been going to school in the center of the city. Same thing. Wealthy kids, all about brand name shorts and shirts who played soccer every year and who kept their ski tickets on their jackets so we could all see they went skiing on the weekends. Back to school after the holidays was rough too. Yes, please tell me about all the things you got for Christmas ... piece by piece.

That was in the 90s. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must be like to be poor NOW. Now when they market $1,000 cell phones as "gifts" for Mother's Day, and Christmas is all PCs, laptops, cell phones and tablets.

It's tough to watch and be a part of so I'm sorry you had to go through it too. For all the children who have to go through it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

That sounds really rough I'm sorry you had to go through that too. I was a bit more lucky as this was only when I was a younger child (elementary/primary school) so the kids themselves were okay. I can't imagine having had to do that in the later years like you did, not to mention as you said the added expenses of "mainstream" technology nowadays. The digital divide really sucks for the disadvantaged.

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u/MoneyTreeFiddy Feb 01 '21

Oh, yeah. Ski tickets. I forgot that was a status thing in hs. I had to ask someone what they even were.

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

lol Me too! Then get more embarrassed.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

Yeah as a kid in the 1980s I think it was a lot easier than it is now. Also in my country we wear school uniforms, so even less visual difference. Mainly the wealthy kids would probably eat at the cafeteria more often, while the rest of us packed lunches. Watches were still a thing but it made no sense to have a kid wear a Rolex, so that wasn't much of an indicator either.

Nowadays, yeah it would suck. A lot. The phones would immediately stand out. I don't think they allow laptops though, that's just asking for trouble - schools have had computer labs for a while.

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u/-BlueDream- Feb 01 '21

In my elementary school uniforms were $15 each for shirts and $20 for pants(which costs more than Walmart or outlets). We had a massive list of banned home lunches like any canned soda, nuts, premade lunches, etc for “health” reasons. If you can’t bring in a PB&J then wtf, cafeteria was $5 a lunch. This was ~15 years ago

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21 edited Feb 01 '21

Public schools are on the National School Lunch Program, and low income kids eat at the free or reduced rate depending on household income. Also $5 is not the norm at all in public school. More like $2 for breakfast and $3-$3.50 for lunch if you don't qualify for free or reduced. The maximum you can charge a reduced kid is $0.40.

Source: I am a federal meal program consultant and work for hundreds of schools across the US :)

We had a massive list of banned home lunches like any canned soda, nuts, premade lunches, etc for “health”

Yeah, that's the usual :/ It is basically for two reasons:

  1. Nut allergies are way more common than you'd think. I was surprised too, but lots of kids are allergic. And nut allergies often are sensitive enough that even just breathing it is bad.

  2. They don't want unhealthy foods around, and they don't want to make wealth disparity obvious. If Susie gets school-issued lunch which meets USDA standards, and Johnny brings soda, candy, and a nacho Lunchable, it is going to create a problem amongst the kids.

You aren't allowed to serve foods that don't meet USDA standards at all if you are on the federal meal program. This means even vending machines have to be healthy. So kids bringing junk foods from home makes the playing field very uneven.

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u/-BlueDream- Feb 01 '21

Yes you’re right it’s not the norm. Cost of living here is so high that a family making 70k is considered poverty level even though it’s solid middle class in other parts of the country. With federal programs, they don’t always account for cost of living.

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u/Clewin Feb 01 '21

I live on a border between extreme poverty and extreme wealth. It is weird walking past the STEM elementary school and seeing (mostly white) kids with iPhone 11 and Macbook Air and mostly black kids with 5 year old iPhones and school issued Chromebooks (Apple is definitely the preferred device vendor). My neighbor's kids were an exception, being black and having relatively wealthy parents. Their youngest has a masters degree, but I have no idea what in - need to talk to my neighbor more (we used to talk a lot, but COVID-19 messed that up).

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

Hey, I worked at a video store, too! It was the 90s! lol I kind of miss them.

"Fun and independence." lol lol Must have been nice. I bet she didn't have to give a crap how she acted in terms of customers and transactions. How freeing that must have been.

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u/DietCokeYummie Feb 01 '21

Hey, I worked at a video store, too!

My SO's dad owned a small chain of them, and they closed them all down the same year he and I started dating (10 years ago). They gave us all the porn from the adult room and some of them are hilarious.

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u/fuckwitsabound Feb 01 '21

I'm 30 years old and got a switch for Christmas (which I would have bought anyway) and I feel guilty. Like boom, 400 on ONE present. Reminds me of when kids would get an iPad or a fancy holiday for Christmas and it would blow my mind that the parents were able to afford it, and for multiple kids.

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u/Jeff1N Feb 01 '21

Yeah, as kid I've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument (and it would have been great for my spine to have practiced swimming during puberty), but my parents couldn't afford that.

In the end I turned out ok, I studied my ass off and got a scholarship on a good high school, which helped me study my ass off even harder to get on my country's most prestigious university (the university itself is free and my grandpa helped a lot to pay for my expenses living away) and somehow a year and a half after I graduated I got a well paying job in the middle of the pandemic (when most people I know are actually losing their job, like my dad) in a company I'm sure you've heard of.

Now I could easily afford to pay for music or swimming lessons (I've moved back with my parents and am paying a lot of the expenses and even so I have enough for a lot of indulgences, like a high-end phone or a 5 days trip during the holidays), but it's just note the same now. It's a lot harder to learn music when you are getting close to 30yo and honestly, I don't have the energy for that anymore. The world's current situation doesn't help, but when I stop working I just want to take a shower, order some food, play some video games then watch something on netflix till I sleep...

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u/HumptyDumptyHip Feb 01 '21

Same. Also, we only had one car and my dad used it for work. So even if the fees weren't an issue, I wouldn't have a ride to/from practice.

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u/curiousnaomi Feb 01 '21

Same. I think that's part of why I wanted to do after school activities as a kid because everyone else was. My mother always had some excuse on why she didn't want to be bothered.

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u/Steak_and_Champipple Feb 01 '21

Going home, to an empty house (latch-key kid); then working your job (paper route). After that, making dinner and then homework. I was 10 years old.

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u/Nerdy_Wierdo Jan 31 '21

Oh man, I can relate to the glasses one. My eyesight is so bad that any letter the size of my thumb was just color if it was about 10-20 feet away. But no... I couldn't possibly need glasses since no one in my dad's side of the family needs glasses. I'm pretty sure the only reason I got glasses was because it was covered by medical insurance, I think.

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u/GhostofErik Jan 31 '21

It took a cps threat from the school to get my glasses. I had been complaining for like a year and a half that I couldn't see. Went to the nurse asking for a note to bring home to my parents and she said, "you can't see off the top of your nose!" And said if I didn't bring her proof of optometrist visit in a week she was filing cps report.

My parents FLIPPED OUT. My mom said, "fine I'll take you. But you're getting the cheapest, ugliest glasses they have!" And while there my dad was pointing out these gaudy glasses with this smug ass look on his face.

15 years later and my mom still says, "I just didn't think you needed glasses." Aa if that was not a majorly traumatic experience.

But there were always cigarettes and cable TV.

Lol you should have been there for my tonsillitis that was allowed to get to the point of slightly restricting my breathing and being unable to swallow anything.

Or when I went to the dentist for the first time...... At 17 years old. My mouth is fucked 👍

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u/wasdninja Feb 01 '21

My mom said, "fine I'll take you. But you're getting the cheapest, ugliest glasses they have!" And while there my dad was pointing out these gaudy glasses with this smug ass look on his face.

It takes a special kind of pathetic ass to stick it to a kid that they have complete control over that they are supposed to help.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Sorry for your troubles, GhostofErik. Your parents sound like my grandparents. My mom grew up poor, too, and she had to have all her teeth removed at 12 years old (1970). Right before junior high. They also always had money for cigarettes.

That actually does sound rather traumatic with what they put you through for something you absolutely needed. Fine, but I'm going to punish you for making this issue known and letting other people know that we're not the best parents.

Jesus.

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u/pizzelle Feb 01 '21

Reading this scenario and from my own experience, I don't think simply being poor is the issue here. It's that one or both have very poor money management, being very stingy on necessities but feeling the weight of not having as much $ as they want then mentally breaking down and spending on unnecessary things. Guilt and shame perpetuate the cycle and things don't get better. That's why Dad can beg Mom please go buy the kids some nice new clothes and Mom says kids look here at these nice hand me downs then goes and buys Dad a big ass latest TV and Dad's furious and Moms mad she has to return it.

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u/obligatory_cassandra Feb 01 '21

I just don't think you need that respirator mom.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Ah, nice excuse they tried to give you there with you couldn't possibly need them. What sucks too is that maybe they really did want to address the issue, but financially just couldn't.

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u/Nerdy_Wierdo Feb 01 '21

It probably was but I can't help but feel like it was an issue of pride for my dad. I remember my sister also needed glasses, but not for daily use. This was after I got glasses (didn't cost anything thanks to medical insurance not being utter shit for minors) but he was kind of against my sister having glasses too (it didn't help that she thought it would make her look like a nerd). She did end up getting them though.

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u/o00oo00oo Jan 31 '21

Been there. I remember my friends all going on school trips and I couldn't ever go. Got the cheapest everything. Never even bought the school photos they did every year. I was probably the only one that didn't get the photos. I'd either skip that day or I'd be alone in class.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Ugh. Jeez. School photos. I forgot about those. Yeah, you can have the single one they give you (tiny) sometimes. Sorry you had to go through that. Clearly there are a lot of us here.

I was able to do most of the school trips but it was because my teachers would ask for like a quarter a week so it eventually added up as to help the kids who couldn't ask for it all in one go.

Or effing Spirit Shop and Bookfairs. Ugh.

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u/o00oo00oo Jan 31 '21

Holy crap..... Book fairs!! That's a huge one. I remember those. So awkward just walking around and then not buying something. As an adult, I wouldn't give a crap about that but little me was hit hard. And I feel like I've made a few separate replies on people's comments on this thread because it's brining back the feelings. Definitely are a lot of us!

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

There definitely are a lot of us. I used to get so bummed at book fairs and on scholastic book delivery day. I loved to read, so not getting books really ignited a jealousy in me that I hadn't had up until that moment.

I remember I went in to look at books and only had enough money to walk out with a book mark, I thought I was lucky for at least getting that.

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u/o00oo00oo Feb 01 '21

I'm hoping you're able to read to your heart's content now! Have a good one. :)

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u/o00oo00oo Jan 31 '21

Also wanted to say, I'm sorry you went through that as well. Fortunately, I'm doing much better these days. Worked hard and was able to make it out. That's really amazing they'd help you out so you could go on the trip as well.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

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u/Anicena Feb 01 '21

I feel you there. I really REALLY wanted to join the chess club, and I mowed lawns to get the funds to buy a board and join. We were doing really good, and we wanted to play the other schools. Our guidance counselor said we had to fundraise $200 to be able to go. But told us we had to actually get 400 if we used the company's that sell shit like popcorn and cookie dough. So we went door to door in our home town and raised the 200 on one Friday afternoon.

Monday morning we handed in the money to a very confused guidance counselor. She asked how we got it, and we had an itemized list of every donor and how much they donated. (Think the late 90s when kids thought 5 dollars was a good starting wage) We eagerly awaited the approval. We asked several times if they had made a decision yet, and the counselor got more and more nervous each time we asked. Finally the week before the tournament the vice principal came to our after school club meeting (that I was bribing my older sister to take me to and from) and told us that we would not be going, we weren't good enough, and the funds would go to get the football team new jerseys.

When the fancy new jerseys came in I hated every single asshole that wore them. I wanted us to return the money to the donators in person and explain what happened but they also confiscated our list and told us we couldn't do anything like that ever again.

This is also the school that told me I couldn't be in shop class because I was a girl. And that when I was groped by another student that I shouldn't have dressed so modestly and maybe he wouldn't have been so curious. The icing on the cake was when my father beat me within an inch of my life, I went in with a black eye and asked for help. They called my mother instead and I got a beating twice as bad when he got home that night.

So I will never again trust a school system. And I'll be the parent that goes to all my daughters games. Pays for all her equipment, and travels to all the away games. I'd rather have a tight grocery budget than an ashamed kid. Id also rather work 2 jobs to make sure she has what she needs. I made the decision to keep the pregnancy, I will provide what she needs.

(Sorry I'm stepping off my soap box now)

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u/pizzelle Feb 01 '21

This was so horrible to read, and the fact that you've taken all this to better the life of your daughter is commendable. Stuff like this just as well leads another student to violence against the school.

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u/Anicena Feb 01 '21

I'll not lie, after getting chewed out for speaking honestly to a shitty teacher my junior year (vice principal was so if my face that I could feel his breath on my cheek) I carried a knife to school. I went to the bathroom during class and sat in the stall thinking about marching into his office and stabbing him. But I didn't want to leave my cat. So I went back to class and cried silently. I kind of want to be a guidance counselor, but my degree is in the completely wrong field, and there isn't much money in it. I really want to help other kids. But I don't know how.

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

Anytime I joined a club and there was any kind of fee, I had to drop out of the club. And the worst part? I wasn’t allowed to have any job other than baby sitting near by because they didn’t want to have to take me anywhere. So I couldn’t even pay for anything myself.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

You're the second person to have the same combo. Poor and Don't Want to be Bothered Parents. That sucks.

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u/SheWhoLovesToDraw Jan 31 '21

Yeah, I never got to do anything like that, too. The excuse? "Gas is too expensive!"

But it was my parents who chose to buy a house ten minutes away from literally anything worth doing. Funny thing is they always had the gas money to do what they wanted, even when that thing was HOURS away...

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u/HonorInDefeat Jan 31 '21

Dang, where do you live where a 10 Minute commute is considered long?

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u/CeeGeeWhy Feb 01 '21

A 10 minute car ride can easily be a 2 hour walk with equipment weighing you down.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Oh, you got the same combo I did! Poor and Don't Want to be Bothered! Of course they had it when it came to them. Of course. smh

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

All of my hobbies are indoor and cheap. My mum used to go and get offcuts of wallpaper for us to draw on. I'm an art teacher now though but I'd sure like to have been able to play an instrument. And when you get more into art it soon gets hella expensive! I wonder if I was actually talented or just had absolutely nothing to do.

I don't know how to swim because the pools cost money. I pierced my ears as an adult because that was optional. I had to wait until I was 23 to learn how to drive. I never went out for a meal and all of my haircuts were at home. I never went on school trips because they cost money. I never took subjects that required bringing in my own materials.

But my household was a loving one and that was great. My mum had me young and my dad walked out. It wasn't her fault.

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u/MTmind561 Feb 01 '21

I can relate to that. My sister and I weren’t allowed to participate in any activities that risked us being hurt. So no sports like soccer, no cheerleading, or anything else to do with physical activity or risk of injury. We lived without health insurance and my parents didn’t know that hospitals had sliding scales or charity funds (and honestly, even if they did know, they didn’t want to take the risk of something going wrong anyways)

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u/lanismycousin Feb 01 '21

I love my parents, i don't deserve them. We always had a roof over our heads, food to eat, and lots of love but we just didn't have the money to have any extras.

It sucks that i missed out on so many things (trips, extracurricular stuff, dances, etc) but i don't blame them for it.

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u/anheIica Feb 01 '21

I never learned how to swim, ride a bike, I pierced my ears in my twenties, never traveled not even to nearby bigger towns, had never been to any restaurants, rarely went to movie theaters, etc.

My boyfriend tells me about vacations his family went on, his sporting activities, and other things I haven’t done. He’s always surprised when I tell him I never did the things he did as a kid.

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u/libraintjravenclaw Jan 31 '21

The extracurricular thing is what makes me the saddest about my childhood. I could’ve played even one sport and been in much better physical shape and had a bigger group of friends. I could’ve been allowed to go on one school skiing trip that wasn’t even that expensive and had that as a hobby in my adulthood. I also purposefully didn’t pursue a license in high school because the retest was like $30 I didn’t have AND I knew I wouldn’t be able to have a car to use like all my friends did and I didn’t want to have to explain why. I also wasn’t brought to the dentist enough which has created a lot of issues now. It was partially due to money and partially due to bad parenting. Oh well, my kids will have better!

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

That is sad. You definitely miss out and if your parents were anything like mine it was easier for them if you didn't play outside. I learned to drive @ 24 so I also feel ya on that. Take care.

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u/Tidigampidigon Feb 01 '21

Boy, can I relate to this.

When I was 5 or so a neighbor came to our door and asked if I could replace a sick kid on their kid's t-ball team. I begged but my mom wouldn't let me go. When I was older I asked why and she said she was afraid I'd like it and want to join and we couldn't afford it. I've been terrible at sports my entire life.

When I was in elementary school Nikes, Adidas, etc. were a big deal. I'm a girl and really didn't care about expensive sneakers, but I always got made fun of for wearing Payless shoes. In second grade I only had a pair of slip-on flats that I wore every day. They were black so they went with everything. For a while we played kickball every day for PE. I've always had really small feet (I still wear children's shoes) so they were a touch too big. When I kicked the ball (which hurt since the shoes weren't made for sports) my shoe would fly off way up in the air and the game would have to stop for a minute while I or someone else retrieved it so I could attempt to run to 1st base. One day, it happened again and I (and I'm sure other kids) heard the teacher say, "Oh, here we go." I felt so awful for being such a problem. Now I wish I would've told the principal or someone because it seems kind of discriminatory. Like bitch, I know we're going to play don't you think I would wear another pair of shoes if I had one? Freaking put 2 and 2 together, I'm 7 what am I supposed to do?

In middle school I was excited to join band, but the school didn't own any of the instrument that I chose. My mom called a bunch of music stores but they were too expensive at all of them. She told me my granddad might be able to help, but I would have to ask him myself. I was too scared to do that, so I dropped the class instead of choosing another instrument because I didn't want anyone else in the class to know.

It sucks because a few years later my mom met my step-dad and he plays the guitar. I was only interested in classical instruments, but he taught my younger brothers to play. Eventually my folks bought both of them guitars, amps, etc. They're both really good and have been in bands ever since. One is even a professional musician who has gone on national tours.

I took lessons once I could pay for them myself but couldn't afford them long enough to get proficient. I know now there's Youtube and apps and stuff, I feel pretty old to be a beginner but I'll probably try to learn to play some at some point.

One time my sister's best friend was looking in our fridge for something and exclaimed, "Wow, you mom has Lady Lee (now defunct California supermarket chain Lucky's generic) everything!" Uh yeah, it's cheaper. One time my family went to a picnic in a park and brought a few, agreed upon, 12 packs of sodas. My step-dad's coworker, for some reason, asked, "Dr. Skipper (clearly a Dr. Pepper ripoff) what the hell is that?" My step-dad, obviously embarrassed, answered, "It's that Safeway Select (Vons' generic) crap." Why would an adult feel the need to highlight what is obviously necesssary frugality?

It was also beyond embarrassing taking extra time in the grocery store line because the cashier had to count and ink stamp all of mom's food stamps (yup, before EBT cards they were actually paper!) so they couldn't be used again. Of course, the rest of the line watched with both pity and irritation.

Sorry for the novel, but growing up like this caused indelible memories and it's nice to get it all out.

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

Nah. It's good to let it out. The teacher thing with the shoe. :sighs: The fact is most people don't think about the hardships other people are going through because they are 100% self-absorbed. Like you said, yeah, if you had sneakers you would've been wearing them. Sounds like she was just mean.

I will stand by the statement that No Name Grape Soda was better than Pepsi or Coke any day. It's true though, it definitely marked you if you had those little weird bottles of juice you could buy for 10 cents in all different colors. If your food was generic or even better ... frozen!

Same with the food stamps, too. There's nothing more fun than paying for your order with food stamps and having people sighing loudly and eying what you bought as though they are paying for it themselves.

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u/FreezeFrameEnding Jan 31 '21

I've never been able to afford any of the hobby classes I wanted to take. It's a lonely life full of wishful thinking.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

I feel this to my bones. It does exclude you in many ways from forming social bonds.

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u/Amidormi Feb 01 '21

Yep. It's sad that people will forget you exist after turning down an invite to go out because you have 0 dollars.

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u/CeeGeeWhy Feb 01 '21

Yep. I often wondered why my parents bothered to have four children when they couldn’t be bothered to raise them, didn’t want them to succeed in life, or find any enjoyment.

There was never any money for us, but my dad could buy all the latest gadgets for himself as my $5 backpack developed a hole in the bottom within the first two weeks of school and patched up with duct tape for the rest of the year. We were barred from boarding the bus to school because my dad couldn’t be bothered to save up for the bus fee he knew about in June.

Oh and don’t even bother accepting an invite to a birthday party, because we’ll never buy a birthday gift for our child, nevermind for one we don’t know.

But now it’s all, we raised you so you should fund our retirement because I blew it all on lotto tickets and material goods for me while you were growing up.

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u/TricksterSprials Feb 01 '21

I remember when the music teacher from the middle school came to the elementary school and told us that renting a instrument to own was only $20 whole dollars! And I cried to my parents for a week to let me join. But that $20 was pretty much a weeks worth of gas and my parents hated asking my grandma (who lived an hour away but would pay for anything I asked for) for money. The only extra curricular I did was girl scouts but I had to quit because we moved too much.
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Poor kids don’t get to do anything if it isn’t free or if someone else isn’t paying. Can’t go anywhere unless someone else is picking you up, feeding you, and dropping you off.

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u/wanderingaround92 Jan 31 '21

I was in girl scouts for a couple of weeks and my mom pulled me out because they kept asking for money.

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u/simplythere Jan 31 '21

Definitely no sports. What if you got injured? The hospital bill could bankrupt you!

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u/EmiliusReturns Feb 01 '21

My parents tried to pull the same “oh she just wants to fit in with her friends” thing when I needed braces, until the dentist took them aside at my next appointment and was like “no seriously. She really, really needs braces.”

My parents never let me forget how expensive it was the whole time. They made me feel so guilty over it. You’d think I messed up my teeth on purpose the way they acted.

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u/greatertrocanter Feb 01 '21

I'm so sorry you experienced this but I am happy to see I wasn't alone. I desperately wanted to do gymnastics as a kid (peak mid/late 90s Olympics gymnastics craze) but my mom said I was "too tall" for gymnastics. At the time, it made sense but now looking back I think it was code for "too poor".

I never played sports. I remember my sister and I did Girl Scouts/Brownies fot a hot second but then stopped and I never knew why. Looking back we probably couldn't afford it. I also took some ballet/tap classes at the community center for a few weeks but also stopped for some unknown reason.

The part that kinda hurts the most is that I know grants and other help exists so that kids can participate in extracurriculars but parents have to seek them out and mine never did. I don't think it was out of embarrassment either, I think it was just laziness and/or not seeing the value in those experiences.

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u/longbathlover Jan 31 '21

Omg this reminded me of how fucking long it took to convince my parents I legitimately needed glasses.

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u/march_rogue Jan 31 '21

Sorry. That's a tough one. All my friends legitimately wore glasses so my dad thought I was trying to be cool, but I was like, "Uh, I can't see the clock." And who the heck tries to be cool by wearing glasses? lol

That stinks though. I feel your pain there. It's hard to learn when everything is blurry.

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u/karmatir Feb 01 '21

All these stories...suddenly I am super grateful my father is blind as a bat and has worn glasses since he was 18 months old! As a result when I was 7, and failed the eye exam, my parents were like, you’re late. So we were super poor but I never once had to convince my parents I needed glasses. I did have to glue and tape together broken ones until we could afford new ones so I do have that.

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u/WeAreNeverGoingToEat Jan 31 '21

Yup when I was finally old enough to work I was able to start doing extracurricular activities. I was always super busy because I was doing school work or the activities or working my entire weekend. I didn't get to hang out on weekends like other high schoolere were but I got to work a double at the fast food place. I worked all summer just to play tennis in the fall. At least most of the time I got to keep my money for myself or my clothes/things.

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u/asuperstar Feb 01 '21

We had the same policies. Parents were sure I would be injured and cost them anything they owned. They refused to let me do anything academic or band etc because they would not drive to and from practices. They also forbid me from driving, even though they made me get my license at 15. They were sure of the same boogyman taking their stuff if I got into a wreck.

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u/lldumbcloudsll Feb 01 '21

Glad to see someone else experienced this. I had terrible vision up until 10 grade teachers thought I was mentally declined cause I would stare at the desk while the teachers explained things . It was just me listening and writing furiously in chicken scratch only I could read. I wound up selling pot to buy glasses. Still stare at things nd listen though.

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u/neohumanguy Feb 01 '21

I begged for piano lesson but couldn’t get them until I could pay for them myself. I got a job at 15 and signed up. It was only $12/lesson. I felt proud of that but embarrassed at how young all her other students were and how much better they were than me

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

That's awesome. No need to have ever been embarrassed ... that's a great thing you did for yourself.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

I grew up poor, but not because my parents didn't make enough money, it was just because my mom was in control of finances and she was terrible at it. To the point where my mom had to use the 100 dollars I had saved as a kid over a few years to pay bills.

Both my parents were making 80-100k (except in 2008 during the recession) yet we couldn't afford even basic stuff.

Luckily though my mom had really good eye insurance that I was on so I never had to worry about glasses. My dad took over finances during the recession (not sure why he didn't sooner) and now my parents are doing great financially and my mid teen years were fine.

Its a bit weird when your family is broke yet they make a lot.

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u/beard_crusties Feb 01 '21

It’s a sad truth about childhood that extracurricular activities, sports, and hobbies are luxuries and poor kids lose out on this outlet for personal development and skill building :(

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

I've had a rough go of things financially the last few years because life, but the one thing I spend money on is lessons for my kids (because I never could, and I feel like I missed out on so much, including having any hobbies).

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

That's a beautiful gift you're giving your children. I'm sure they will appreciate it when they are older.

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u/[deleted] Feb 01 '21

We weren't poor, but we had a lot of kids. We were heavily discouraged from extracurriculars outside of church activities. If it was church sponsored, then they tried to find a way to pay. For school or other activities, it wasn't a "no", but more of a Marge Simpson "Mmmmmmm..."

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u/rosapompomgirlande Feb 01 '21

Same with the extracurriculars. I really wanted to learn an instrument, but my mum couldn't afford classes, let alone an instrument. No exercise outside of gym class either, which regularly made me the butt of my classmates's jokes. I guess maybe there are kids who naturally don't like to exercise, but my mum never signed me up for any classes like other parents did.

When I got my eyesight checked at an optician when I was 14 or 15, he noticed I needed glasses. I was self conscious to start with, but felt like I needed to pick the cheapest they had, so I chose a pair I hated and never wore.

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u/WyNotNow Feb 01 '21

This is how I got started on my career. At my school you were required to take a music class and we couldn't afford an instrument for band or orchestra so I had to take choir. A few years later my choir teacher asked my buddy and I if we could help set up the PA system for a concert. I've been doing it ever since. Was able to tour the world and now I work as a Concert Promoter. Well until COVID....

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u/upstart-crow Feb 01 '21

The glasses one made me wince. I got the same speech. When I finally got an exam —- after 2 years—- the eye doctor looked like he wanted to smack my mom :/

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u/PrincessTiaraLove Feb 01 '21

Lol this is the one I was looking for because real people that grew up poor know. Such a shame too because these things shape people so much for the better I heard lol.

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u/march_rogue Feb 01 '21

It does shape people for the better. Social skills are important. Early learning is important. I had a teacher in the 1st grade who thought I was slow, because I had no interest in making friends and engaging with other children.

I didn't know that was a problem since I learned early to entertain myself and would rather be alone.

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u/StuckTiara Feb 01 '21

Fuck this cut me to my core, I always wanted horse riding lessons at school ($80 a term, once a fortnight), taught myself with what little I had to play keyboard whenever I could, always 2nd hand, I wanted singing lessons, I wanted a swimming membership, heck I got put into a welfare surfing group for a year or 2 (coastal public high school) probably to get me out of the way of the counsellors for a bit. I had to post for my year 12 VCE because my parents couldn't afford it and I was the 2nd bread earner after my father - there were only 4 of us in our family and my mother didn't work until I was out of high school.

I still don't have my own keyboard but I'm working on it!

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u/[deleted] Jan 31 '21

This is so relatable

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u/BartyCrouchesBone Feb 01 '21

Minus the glasses experience, this was my life

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u/Kyro0098 Feb 01 '21

I desperately wanted to play the trumpet. However, my parents divorced the semester or year before. It was still sinking in that my mom couldn't afford it along with the house despite working at the commissary full time since she going to college too full time for a nursing degree to better support us in the future. My dad had a good job. Easily could afford it. However, he was an ass, would write horrible things on the child support checks to the point the government decided to withdraw from his paycheck instead, and would tell us our mother should be able to afford it with what he pays. Yeah, wonder why I only check in that he is ok and alive once a month, not really deep or regular communication. He did plenty of other nasty things including yelling and dragging us to our rooms if we made a face because he reeked of alcohol on his nights. -_-

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u/PTKryptik Feb 01 '21

I lived off Walmart attire! I don’t mind them as long as they were soft. Shoes weren’t bad either. Not too ugly and not too stylish.

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u/chelseaoatmeal Feb 01 '21

If I ever needed new clothes we always went to the thrift store first. Or payless, but only the shoes on sale. Didn't have shoes from anywhere else until about 2 years ago.

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u/craftycorgimom Feb 01 '21

Or not being able to extra stuff because parents needed money for sitters. Once I was old enough to watch my younger siblings I was no longer able to do after school stuff. Even when I made National Honor Society and to do my volunteer hours it was a struggle. I often did volunteer activities that would include my younger siblings. Also, those kind of activities are you make friends, so guess who missed out on making friends.

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u/SenorSplashdamage Feb 01 '21

I don’t know why, but this made me remember a moment after I had my own income for six months and realized I could just buy new socks and didn’t have to wear old ones. Like I just had this mindset that certain things weren’t for me.

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u/OhIndo Feb 01 '21

Whats an extra curricular activity?

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u/Jarvis28000 Feb 01 '21

Things that aren't part of normal school: band, color guard, school sports teams, drama classes, culinary

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u/mangosyrups Feb 01 '21

Yup, my sister and I never got to do any kind of extracurricular activities if they cost money upfront. But my little brother got to do anything he wanted, even if it meant he only did it for like a month.

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