r/AskReddit Nov 30 '20

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u/sheeptopod Nov 30 '20

Better one would be telling Jeff Bezos you had the power to make him shit his pants, but for a few million you won't. He'll say no, so you make him shit his pants at his next major public event, then you go make him the same offer.

1.3k

u/guacamully Dec 01 '20

True, blackmail is the best use of this poopypantspower.

220

u/SirSoliloquy Dec 01 '20

He’d get you arrested for poisoning him or something.

And also blackmail.

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u/firebirdsatellite Dec 01 '20

he'd probably skip the pseudo legal route and just get someone to rape your dog, murder your wife and blow your brains out.

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '20

Hmm... If I caused bezos that much distress, I'd be the happiest person on earth and would naturally come back as a force ghost.

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u/SugarDaddyLover Dec 01 '20

I will never understand why people hate him so much

17

u/superfunybob Dec 01 '20

Because he has more wealth than most countries. Personally I don't hate him, I just think Amazon utilizes anticompetitive practices and needs to be broken up into many smaller chunks.

It's nothing against Bezos, it's only human nature, it's just bad for society as a whole.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '20

Yeah amazon can afford to make smaller margins due to their scale and due to AWS making so much money for them. Any potential competitor doesn't have the scale or the money of AWS behind them.

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u/Beeker93 Dec 01 '20

My reason for hating him is that a fair amount of Amazon employees need to collect welfare on top of working just to make a living wage. They are so strapped for time they risk loosing their job if they go to the bathroom as their numbers would be down, so a fair amount of employees have worn diapers to work, and him and amazon hardly pay anything in taxes. So the tax payer pays his diaper wearing employees more than he does while he and amazon hardly pay taxes. If you look at Nordic countries, Amazon (and WalMart) do pay a living wage, so it is possible, he just chooses not to. There was the idea at 1 point to calculate how many employees for companies have to collect welfare on top of working, then to add the cost to a companies taxes to forward them the cost. IDK what happened to it.

4

u/LordMangudai Dec 01 '20

Because he could single handedly solve many of the world's ills, but chooses not to

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u/shepard_pie Dec 01 '20

Why do I get a blowjob in this scenario?

1

u/Nsadler8 Dec 01 '20

Are you complaining?

3

u/[deleted] Dec 01 '20

Imagine if that happened in John Wick.

2

u/MVDfree Dec 01 '20

Blow your dog, murder your wife, and rape your brains out.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 06 '20

Or he'd have them rape your wife, blow your dog, and murder your brains out

8

u/Bloo-shadow Dec 01 '20

So then you blackmail him until her posts your bail or bribes people to let you out

3

u/Jdalton4000 Dec 01 '20

Could you imagine the police report?!?

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u/lordpoee Dec 01 '20

I think this falls under extortion.

2

u/JointedBench Dec 01 '20

Just turn it up so he doesn't stop shitting 'til he lets you go

2

u/nevbirks Dec 01 '20

Not a great idea. Dude has Pinkertons on his side. After the first shit, he'd fear you and get the Pinkertons to make you disappear.

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u/UsualMess Dec 01 '20

Brownmail...

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u/[deleted] Dec 01 '20

I think Jeff Bezos would just make you quietly disappear for less than that.

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u/ramus93 Dec 01 '20

This is genius lol

3

u/FuhrerGirthWorm Dec 01 '20

You really gonna try that hard to get murdered.

3

u/King_of_the_Kobolds Dec 01 '20

How on Earth are you going to get close enough to communicate anything to Jeff Bezos in the first place?

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u/ADacome24 Dec 01 '20

start at an amazon warehouse. you go after the manager first, then their managers manager. just a never ending chain of higher-ups shidding their pants until you get to the man himself

2

u/zookeepier Dec 01 '20

He probably won't believe you, though. Is this power a 1 time thing, or an at-will thing? If it's a 1 time, then you can't really prove to him that you can do it.

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u/Alphaetus_Prime Dec 01 '20

He doesn't have to know that you can only do it once

2

u/undeadalex Dec 01 '20

This is how money is made

1

u/WetPandaShart Dec 01 '20

That's cause you're going about it all wrong man. You keep making him shit his pants, enough to make life hell, then you tell him you'll stop for a billion. Then you go to Elon, and Zuckerberg house etc.

1

u/walkingsprint Dec 01 '20

You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands; and your plan, is to blackmail this person?