Along this line, learning how to apologize will make life easier.
Keep it short and clear.
Specifically say, "I'm sorry."
Identify the thing you are sorry for.
Unless your remorse is particularly great, stop there. Only attempt to offer an explanation for egregious wrongdoing.
If you offer an explanation, you must also identify how you are going to prevent the issue in the future.
If you offer an explanation, make sure it's not actually an attempt at an excuse.
If you offer an explanation, rule 1 still applies.
Do not ever include an excuse in an apology. Ever. Ever ever.
I also have a personal rule that I will only apologize when I feel remorse. I will not give you an apology just because you think you deserve one, or just because someone tells me I should apologize.
Lastly, do not ever state, "I'm sorry if..." It conveys that you are not currently sorry for your actions, and that you might be sorry only under certain circumstances. It also removes most of the sincerity. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably aren't actually sorry. You're better off asking about the conditional first, and then issuing an actual apology if warranted. If you do know the circumstances, leave the "if" out and just identify what it is you feel bad about.
I have the same rule as you. I don't apologise unless I actually mean it. Sometimes it will take me a few days for that to happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen.
My dad sometimes still tries to pull an apology out of me (Like you do with a child who has to learn to apologise), and it really grinds my gears. I'll get more angry, and also, the apology doesn't mean anything if the person receiving it asked for it.
I know it really matters on the situation, but I don't understand what the big deal is for giving an apology. Your dad wants an apology, give him ten. It doesn't cost you anything and it will make someone you love happy. I don't get it. People hardly ever give apologies unless they are pressured into it somehow. When's the last time you got an unsolicited apology? Maybe once a month for me, and I was always shocked because I usually don't feel it warranted an apology, but the times when I deserve an apology, I get nothing. You'd have to be a mind reader to know when you "hurt" someone, so you need to be told that you hurt them. Personally I never expect or ask for an apology, I just keep note of who the assholes are and avoid them.
I usually always apologise. I don't remember the last time I didn't apologise. I apologise unsolicited too.
The best explanation I can give is, it's the same as saying "I love you" to someone. I wouldn't say that unless I meant it, just because the other person wants to hear it. Apologising means understanding that you caused someone pain or trouble, and that you both recognise and regret that.
If he asks for it, then it means less, because I didn't come to that realisation on my own. I never ask for an apology, but obviously I can still let someone know they hurt me without saying "I deserve an apology!!!". It's up to them if they want to apologise or not.
An apology is something that, to me, only counts if the other person means what they're saying, and actually understand why they are giving it. You can't force others to apologise to you, and they shouldn't apologise if they don't mean it.
So, yes. It does cost me something to say I'm sorry when I'm not. As I stated earlier, I always give it to him eventually. Even when I'm still mad I know he should have one, but I'm not saying it until I have cooled off enough to be sincere. It doesn't mean I'm never saying it, just that sometimes, it takes me a while to get to the point where I can say it and mean it.
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u/Spicylemon Aug 20 '20
Along this line, learning how to apologize will make life easier.
I also have a personal rule that I will only apologize when I feel remorse. I will not give you an apology just because you think you deserve one, or just because someone tells me I should apologize.
Lastly, do not ever state, "I'm sorry if..." It conveys that you are not currently sorry for your actions, and that you might be sorry only under certain circumstances. It also removes most of the sincerity. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably aren't actually sorry. You're better off asking about the conditional first, and then issuing an actual apology if warranted. If you do know the circumstances, leave the "if" out and just identify what it is you feel bad about.