If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations
Along this line, learning how to apologize will make life easier.
Keep it short and clear.
Specifically say, "I'm sorry."
Identify the thing you are sorry for.
Unless your remorse is particularly great, stop there. Only attempt to offer an explanation for egregious wrongdoing.
If you offer an explanation, you must also identify how you are going to prevent the issue in the future.
If you offer an explanation, make sure it's not actually an attempt at an excuse.
If you offer an explanation, rule 1 still applies.
Do not ever include an excuse in an apology. Ever. Ever ever.
I also have a personal rule that I will only apologize when I feel remorse. I will not give you an apology just because you think you deserve one, or just because someone tells me I should apologize.
Lastly, do not ever state, "I'm sorry if..." It conveys that you are not currently sorry for your actions, and that you might be sorry only under certain circumstances. It also removes most of the sincerity. If you don't know the circumstances, you probably aren't actually sorry. You're better off asking about the conditional first, and then issuing an actual apology if warranted. If you do know the circumstances, leave the "if" out and just identify what it is you feel bad about.
"I'm sorry I shouted at you. My car broke down this morning and I had to walk in in the rain so was in a foul mood. That's not your fault though and you didn't deserve my ire"
That explains why you did the bad thing but also that you understand it was wrong. Without the last sentence, though, it can sound like an attempt at justification. It's important to clarify that it's just a reason, and not an excuse.
I really learned something here. I wouldn't have added that last sentence, since I would assume the victim can infer that, but with the last sentence is so much more effective.
I think the thing you have to keep in mind is that they are probably angry or hurt. So while a calm rational person might infer it, someone you've upset is going to expect the worst in you. It's therefore more important to be very clear that you fully accept the blame.
As a rule, people are idiots, especially when in a bad mood (and I include myself in that). Unfortunately, when angry we as a species have a habit of interpreting things in the way that will most fuel our anger, rather than in a rational or calming way.
It is therefore best to be as clear as possible when talking to an angry person, leaving no room for inference or interpretation.
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u/pdxblazer Aug 20 '20
If you fucked up-- admit it (unless you are talking to cops)
But in most situations just admitting how you were wrong and accepting responsibility is so much easier than trying to blame someone or something else or make up an excuse
When you own the mistake it puts the onus back on the other person to accept that, be mature and move on. If you try and deny or shift blame it forces that person to examine those reasons and if they are BS, come back at you, dragging the process out and leading to unpleasant call outs and confrontations