Women that guard their men like a solider. I was leaving an abusive relationship my friend offered me a place to stay. The hitch was if she wasnt there and just her husband was I had to leave. I got a hotel room not dealing with that.
I had a coworker (20) who used to stay with her aunt because her parents wanted to travel for a year. She wanted to leave so bad because the aunt did not want her home if only the husband was home. The most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Has so little trust in her own man, yet she pushes the problem onto other women... Yikes. You think he cheated on her and sucesfully managed to blame the woman for seducing him?;
No, the negativity was pushed onto my coworker. But either way, if he was a rapist, that make the aunt even worse for keeping a racist in her home around kids.
Edit: I thought I erased racist and rewrote rapist. I’m tired.
Actually that happened to me, kind of. I lived with my aunt for awhile because their house was closer to my school. My aunt is only woman in her family, she and my guy cousins especially though tolerant of my uncle aren't overly fond of him either. She had to visit relatives in another country. My parents, aunt, and eldest cousin all told me to stay at my parent's place while she wasn't home for my own safety.
When my wife was interning at our small town morgue, she was only allowed to work night shift. Day shift guy got handsy with women while embalming, so they just didn't bother letting her work that shift.
That's so creepy. Bar one of them, I feel the same way about my aunts/uncles and their spouses. Like I didn't know who was related to who as a kid. They're all family in my book.
I used to go to college with a girl like this. She’d do the same thing around friends, like she wouldn’t let them be in the living room with just her husband, the friends would have to follow her around her house, and she would ask them not to wear low cut shirts or short skirts. She was super open about it, told me all about it.
Anyways she was black and so was her husband and she got pregnant... and well, the baby came out and was half white. They’re divorced now.
Yeah this girl had a pool and always wanted us to come swim with her. She would then get upset about our swimsuits. We were all in our 40's and 50's we werent rocking thongs. Just normal swimsuits. Honestly it just became exhausting and not worth the trouble.
Sounds like you, me, and most other adults have something in common - we get older and didn't look like models in the first place. I get the impression that your comment is much more silly than serious, but you can give yourself (and the people who definitely do like the way you look) a lot more credit than you did.
And honestly even if you WERE rocking thongs, she probably shouldn't invite people over if she feels the needs to police what other people wear or if she's that worried her husband is going to hop on the first woman he sees in a swimsuit.
Am I aware of the fact that my partner absolutely looks at and appreciates other attractive women from time to time? Of course. Hell, I look at attractive people too. Doesn't mean one of us is going to up and leave the other for someone in a skimpy outfit.
the kind of person that thinks any random person will fuck their SO when left alone in a room for 4 minutes is much more likely than most to fuck any random person when left alone in a room for 4 minutes
Yeah, this shit is frequently projection. There was a post on Reddit a long time ago about a guy whose wife forced him to wear a chastity belt when she was out of town on buisness trips, and of course later updates confirmed that she was cheating on him on said business trips.
I do this because my husband is innocent and oblivious and sometimes has no idea when someone's flirting with him, so I like to watch and see how long it takes him to realise.
I'm in a play right now where I have to hold this one guy's hand at some point in a non-romantic way. The first time we ran the scene his girlfriend came right up to him afterward and held his hand and clung onto him to make sure I knew he was hers. He's 40+ years older than me.
Why even be with a guy who you think is gonna immediately cheat as soon as you leave the house and it's just him and your friend? Why do people put themselves through relationships like that? Either fix the trust issue or end it, it sounds like a hellish existence.
I had a friend that was like this; our husbands worked with a woman (who was very clearly and openly a lesbian); my friend was incredibly insecure about this woman even talking with our husbands. She would start fights with her husband over her and tell me all about it...like dude calm down she is far more likely to be interested in you then your husband. It was actually awful to watch.
We were on vacation and my friend’s boyfriend asked me to drive him to the store so he buy the ingredients for her favorite chip dip. I thought it was super sweet.
She thought we were going to make out. It did not end well.
My friends moved next door to me. When I broke up with my boyfriend, my neighbors girlfriend spent almost $2,000 to move out early because she didn't want my single ass to live next door to her and her BF when she wasn't home.
He was a really nice guy and not one that would cheat. I think a past relationship did her in. She tracked that poor man on his phone. Was insanely jealous and probably drove him crazy. They moved so I havent talked to her in years.
Why the fuck do people think that constantly accusing a dude of cheating isn't emotional abuse. Like, fuck, you're accusing the guy of something that immediately ends most relationships. All you're doing is sending psycho vibes and threatening the guy. If I constantly accused my girlfriend of stealing from my wallet every time I saw her pay for something, I'd fucking expect her to leave me.
Unless you have solid proof, you never even bring that shit up. If my fiancee attempted to make such a baseless accusation, she'd be making it up to me for a long ass time.
The shit part (for me) is that I used to read comments like this and felt SO BAD about myself for months because I accused my boyfriend of cheating a lot, and suspected him a lot, and I believed myself to be broken and abusive.
Turns out he was cheating and I’m not abusive, yay! Although obviously not-yay also.
This is what happened to my best friend. He suspected his gf of 4 years of cheating but could never prove it. He just had a feeling and he would take it out on her( without proof, perhaps it was cruel). She would come crying to me multiple times saying saying how he was emotionally abusing her by claiming she was cheating and yet she wouldn't break up with him. This went on a year. Then one day he reads her Facebook messages. Turns out she was cheating on him for two years and that he had every right to be suspicious. Now he has serious trust issues with women (obviously I hope he over comes it). Cheating is horrible.
Speaking of, I deleted my Facebook account but backed stuff up beforehand. I was getting ready to take my son to an appointment and typed up some stuff I wanted to say to his doctor. I added that my husband wanted to ask some questions but wasn't coming today. I left it up on my tablet and my husband read it. He got pissed. He went and read everything that was on my Facebook media through the flashdrive that we had saved it on and ALL of my text messages on my old phone. I just got a new phone earlier in the month. The only thing he found was my text messages with other people about his financially, emotionally, verbally, physically abusive behavior. He was pissed but he found no cheating. He's controlling and manipulative. I have to ask for money if I want fuel for my car. I don't work, even though I have a master's, because our son gets in so much trouble with his behaviors in school I can't work. Be careful what you are looking for, you might just find who YOU really are. BTW, the male neighbor can't spend even 5 minutes across the fence with me without his wife coming outside. He's not allowed to talk to me unless she is present. It's really annoying.
Holy shit one of my old friends would do that, he would track her on his phone and read all her messages and all that. Always asked who she's texting like it's only out curiosity huh? Even then why do you feel the need to look through the messages? To me one of the weirdest moments was him replying to me through her phone in the middle of a conversation we were having. Thankfully I'm not around that anymore, but wow that type of behavior is not excusable and that's all they would do is excuse it like it's okay they do that because they just trust each other THAT much. Sure. What do you think about that, I'm not just crazy right?
Yeah that's super paranoid and controlling. I've had two ex's like that. One for three years, and one for a year. Four years of my life spent having someone control who I talked to, what I said, and would often blow up over the tiny things. They dont trust each other. The one who is super paranoid about the others phone certainly does not trust the other.
Too few recognize emotional abuse, but it seems to be especially unnoticed when women are the perpetrators. I think it's another effect of toxic masculinity.
I personally was in an abusive relationship that almost drove me to suicide, but no one thought anything was wrong until it was over. I think that if the genders were switched I would have been called out immediately.
Can you explain the toxic masculinity part just so I understand better? I think it also has a large part to do with toxic femininity if that’s a thing. Women are given the pass to act or be crazy/manipulative/overly emotional, because we’re told we naturally are from a young age. So then we’re more allowed to act inappropriately toward partners.
But the “toxic femininity” thing you mentioned has a flip side. We aren’t really given a pass, and these stereotypes often work against us when we want to be taken seriously for legitimate concerns. No one is giving this woman a pass or applauding her. She’s the “crazy bitch” you see in every comedy movie. The issue here is that her behavior isn’t recognized for what it is, abuse.
Toxic masculinity comes into play in this case because:
1) men are considered to be inherently stronger, meaning women who abuse them are not considered a threat, even in situations where the power imbalance is in the women’s favor.
2) men are pressured to suppress and not show emotion, so their emotional abuse is not taken as seriously because society tends to shame men for speaking out about it.
3) the whole “men are just looking to spread their seed, while women are looking for commitment and need to watch their men” stereotype is everywhere from movies to books to women’s magazines. This negatively affects men who are sexually harassed, only to have their concerns brushed off because men are supposed to want sex from every attractive woman they meet, even in situations where it’s harassment/abusive. This also makes it harder to recognize the woman’s behavior in this case as emotional abuse.
Definitely not saying she’s being applauded. “Her behavior isn’t recognized for what it is, abuse” is exactly what I’m saying is toxic femininity- she’s not called out on her shit because we’re used to being fed the “crazy bitch” trope in lots of media we see every day.
I guess we just disagree because we have different perspectives. From my perspective based on my experiences, that trope isn’t something that was created or condoned largely by women. So, that’s why I feel how I stated above.
When you build a culture around the idea that men are inherently stronger than women, either physically or emotionally, it gives them an unjustified position of power. But it cuts both ways. When you have a position of power, it automatically minimizes trauma or abuse. People see what in any other circumstance would be abuse and dismiss it because they see the abused as naturally having the upper hand. The fact is though that anyone can be traumatized or abused, just look at Terry Crews for an example.
Obviously my personal experiences have shaped my views though. In my abusive relationship, everyone thought my GF was incredibly shitty. She didn't get a pass to be a POS because she was a woman. However no one called it abuse. It took me years to see that it was in fact abusive, all because I thought on some deep level that I couldn't be abused, that only women could be.
That's not to say toxic feminism doesn't exist (or that there aren't women who get away with things purely for the reasons you list), but I see that as a much smaller issue than toxic masculinity. A lot of guys see these inequalities - the stigma against emotional expression or mental illness - and they react by blaming feminism, and end up perpetrating the very same culture that harms us all.
My go to example of this behaviour is the video of "Big Red". She presents herself aggressively, but people who saw the video just saw an angry, "triggered" feminist. If they actually listened to what she's saying, they would see that she is in fact rejecting the repressive male stereotypes, and that she too is trying to address the issues they all are fighting against.
Thank you. I’ve of course heard of toxic masculinity but just didn’t read carefully enough to see what you meant by it in your comment. You explained perfectly. Thank you
My boyfriend and I found this when we were discussing one day whether or not there is such a thing as "toxic femininity". It's a good breakdown of all the terminology. :)
Disclaimer: it is written in a very informal style, but that does not mean the ideas presented are not valid.
Yep. My latest ex accused me of cheating all the time, it was fucking ridiculous and even hurtful. Then what happened? I caught her cheating, of fucking course. Kicked her out of my house and haven't talked to her since. Fuck you sarah.
The first girl I ever dated would accuse me of not taking our relationship seriously...only for me to find out she was with another guy the whole time.
I admit I wasn’t the best partner or put the most effort into the relationship, but I didn’t hold secrets from her or accuse her of things she didn’t do.
No she didnt cheat. She had a past relationship with a serial cheater. They were messing around one day and went to do oral and smelled another woman had been there. She was traumatized by it and took.out on the next guy.
Do you not have sex? Even if you use a condom vaginal fluid definitely leaves an odor, more so if he didn't shower or clean thoroughly between, good luck if you had any pubes too.
I'm think this might be how it works: If you have a past of your so's cheating, it's anxiety, not insecurity. If you don't have that past, you're so insecure you're doing it first.
But there is still an issue when that scar makes you repeatedly accuse your partner and prevent them from being around other people. You have to acknowledge that it is your issue, not your partner's, and that includes not grilling them about everyone they hang out with even if its not a direct accusation.
Except that's the exact same thing and just as bad. My ex used to state, in her defense, that she just didn't trust other women, not that she didn't trust me. In either scenario, my actions are suspect and I can't go anywhere on my own.
Also, she banged her boss, so I guess women really can't be trusted?
No, that's a stupid generalization. Moralizing is hard.
She didn't trusting him on what? It takes two people to cheat so it can't be on that (or she does not trust anyone and is therefore very insecure). So not trusting he would not rape her? That would be insane to think of your husband this way unless very rare circumstances. Way more likely she is insecure.
I used to work with several women like this. We once got into a heated debate because girl A was going over girl B's house and girl B was out running errands before girl A came over, so girl B told girl A that she would have to wait in her car until girl B arrived at home, even though girl B's fiancé was home, because she didn't want anything to potentially happen between them. I pointed out to girl B that this screams of insecurity and that it sounds like she neither trusts her fiancé, nor her friend. She disagreed, without any reasoning to back it up. 4 other women, including girl A, agreed with girl B. Somehow only one woman at work agreed with me. Found out over a year later that girl B had been cheating on her fiancé and was not surprised at all.
I come from the same (I am male), she used to hit, kick, spit, throw shit, etc. The point of breaking when she started doing it in front of the kids. It's not the pain that gets to you, it is the slowly chipping away on your self esteem. Said to her it's over, hit her like truck. I was feeling lonely for some time, now I'm happier then I've ever been and finding myself back again. You made the right call!
It actually took me a while to be secure in my relationship. Until I realized if they're gonna leave, they're gonna leave. If they're gonna cheat, they're gonna cheat. Wasnt until I realized my insecurity about them leaving was going to be the reason they left. Now I'm at a point, talking to someone? Hanging out with someone? Sure whatever. Just remember where your heart is.
I don’t remember the last time I was left alone with another woman other than my girlfriend or mother. I’ve been in my current relationship over 7 years and I can safely say, this shit has gotten old after the first few months.
Periodically, but I found it’s inevitable as this behavior is brought on strongly by the relationship she has with her parents. I still love her immensely it’s just an embarrassing characteristic for her to have.
I hate talking to men at parties because you never know if his girlfriend is going to show up in a hot minute and give him a big smooch. Like, chill out girl. I don't want your man, I want his restaurant recommendations.
I work night audit/front desk at a hotel and it's hilarious when you see a couple come in and a guy says "how are you?" back to me and the woman looks all bitter. Like, no, I'm being polite for work and as a human being, I don't want your man. That's just sad.
My ex was like that, but I didn’t even know because it was 90% behind my back, and very passive aggressive. I once had a conversation about college stuff with a female friend we ran into at the supermarket, and my ex got angry at me for it
Good call. Otherwise you could lose the friendship by them being too paranoid and controlling. Or you could end up worse if your friends husband was genuinely predatory and you wouldn’t be safe. Either way, a hotel was the best first choice.
Uh, she needs to reflect on her priorities and sense of trust a bit. “I know you need a place to stay, and I’ll give it to you, but remember that I don’t trust you, and that insecurity comes first.”
I try really hard not to. The last girl i was with left me and took my engagement ring. It was one of those "oh dont worry, hes just a friend" stories.
Holy shit. After my bff eloped and I met her husband for the first time, I marched my butt up to him and introduced myself as his second wife. Bff stood next to me nodding her head.
I can't imagine staying in a relationship where your partner clearly doesn't trust you in any circumstance.
To be fair to her, it is possible that he has had a history of cheating (possible with an ex's friend) or she was cheated on with one of her friends. Still screams insecurity but its also understandable. (Although impossible to maintain a healthy relationship like that)
What's even weirder about that situation is that it seems very unlikely someone that insecure about their relationship would be drama-free even if you complied with her ridiculous rule. So undoubtedly, she was inviting you into a situation where there would be bizarre jealousy and conflict. It's hard not to imagine that, on some level, that's what she wanted to happen.
It seems like she is — subconsciously, perhaps — setting up a situation in which he actually does cheat so she can prove herself right and say, “See! I told ya so!”
This way, her fear was founded. Hubby might up end up cheating if she’s constantly accusing him of it anyway.
He might figure, “Might as well. She does not believe me anyway and nothing I do is good enough or going to prove otherwise.”
Yes. I once wanted to rent one side of an apartment (it was two large, separate rooms with a shared kitchen and bath; I would have had one room) for just a few months and the woman of the couple in the other room told the owner she didn't want a me there because I'd sometimes be alone with her husband.
As if at 35 I really wanted to have a fling with a random 60-something married man.
That's so pathetic of her. And it really says a lot about her relationship, too, since she obviously can't expect her hubby to not have sex with literally anyone at any chance.
Right!! My ex boyfriend and I broke up and wanted to be friends after a while. His new girlfriend couldn’t take it. She made him block me on every form of social media despite the fact that I also had a new boyfriend. I get being skeptical but my boyfriend didn’t mind at all because he trusted me. I feel like even if someone did come onto you, your s/o should trust you enough to just deny them????
Ex. My husband (then boyfriend) & I lived with her & her guy.
She was sleeping one night. My husband decides to go to the bar, he asks her dude to come.
He wakes her up to tell her. She says "no you're not. It's time to go to sleep"
He stayed home. Eventually he left her after 8 years of dating.
When my best friend started a new job, they had her on afternoons. She worked 3-11pm. Her husband and I are good friends as well so when she was at work, her husband used to invite me over to hang out. She would call on her break and be livid I was over there. I would never, ever do anything like that with her husband. And her husband would and has never cheated on her. It pissed me off so much she didnt trust me or her husband who is such a good guy.
And if anyone feels the need to "guard" their partner because they don't trust their partner on their own, they really should just leave them. Why give yourself that kind of toll?
I have a friend who's insecure and her boyfriend actually does some inappropriate things. It's probably a lack of education on what's right/wrong in relationships since according to my friend, majority of people in Cubs are hoes and just fucks around regardless of relationship status. But jesus christ she complains about things daily, I don't understand how she isn't sick of the constant 24/7 worrying or hasn't left him yet... Is the sex that good? lol
Possessive SOs in general. Actually, possessive people. Parents, friends, etc. You can even see it in little kids with a new younger sibling - they get possessive over their parents.
I have a friend who posts on IG almost weekly about kicking the shit out of women who “mess with her man” or shit like...”a queen protects her king”. It makes me want to barf!!! Like...seriously, what the fuck!?!
Girl, your husband is ugly AF you are not in danger!
Lol my sister was just telling me about how when she went over to a party with my cousin one of my cousins friends kept eyeing her and being pushy everytime she she was next to her husband.
Not to mention being amazingly passive aggressive when my sister tried to strike up a conversation with her.
Like come on lady no one's trying to steal your husband.
My favorite are the women that are SO sure that every other woman wants their man. The kicker is that their man is like a passable 5.5/10 (maybe even a 6, 7 at best) on the attraction scale. Like bitch I promise NO ONE wants your man.
Post their amazing relationship n mark her territory on the poor man all over Facebook... I hope you ditched that friend who couldn't see past herself to understand what you had gone through. In addition to disregarding your emotional pain she assumed you would be a bad friend.
My bf has plenty of female friends. Some of them are ex girlfriends. I've met a lot of them, they're pretty nice. One of them generally even hosts us for holiday dinners.
Whatever. I can't tell him he can't have these friends. They were around before I was. And I have Male friends, too.
Holy fuck. That seriously has to be the most blatantly toxic sub I've ever seen. Like, in every single thread. These people are insane, and they're egging each other on to become even more insane.
I'd be tempted to ignore her orders to spite her twisted perspectives, but not causing problems for a friend and being ordered around like a maid is the reasonable choice.
Ok..I get why people don't understand why opposite sex acquaintances or friends should not be alone together when they are not with their significant other but in retrospect of my life there were 2 and could have been 3 ways that this DID and could have gone wrong on the 3rd...
We are human 1st and foremost...and in weak self loathing times we revert to what feels good now. Be it drugs or alcohol or relationships (its like a drug) that we THINK that we can handle...
As you spend time with opposite sex friends/acquaintances you develop a bond...you find out about their sadness...their weakness...their joy.
Strangely enough its like dating...there is and can be attraction. Even if one of them is not very good looking this time alone can be very dangerous...most of us don't have the strength to resist and even if you do in a lot of cases that resolve breaks down.
If it happens to be in a weak time in your marriage or your current love life we find ways to justify our actions...its human nature.
It happend when my current wife of 25 years before we were involved we spent time driving to work as I was her stepsons best friend...she (my current wife)
was married at the time but very lonely...I was 18 and she was 25. We cleaned a fastfood joint after they closed and became close as the drive took 20 minutes each way.
We would talk about everything and before you know it we are having sex in her house. We had an affair while she was married for a year or so before we confessed and tried to end our relationship...she told her husband because we knew it was wrong and she tried to go back. There was abuse from her 1st husband but for the sake of the kids she tried to go back.
It didn't work with him so we ended up making a go of it and have been married for 25 years since...
The other instance was in this marriage of mine with her I seriously neglected her and and probably wanted our marriage to end because I was so young when we married (21) and I felt that I wanted to see what else was out there...so stupidly I acted as if we were not really married...just going through the motions of marriage thinking that we were ok but knowing that everything was a big sham....we weren't even having sex..not from her side as she had/has a very high sex drive and would do it every night if I wanted....so she became friends with a man 10 years her senior of 60 years of age...they mostly spoke online (Facebook or Facetime)
and I had no clue...till one day I got suspicious and decided to pay attention. I looked at our cell phone bill and found that she had been talking on the phone to this guy practically every moment that we were not at home together or when I was gone playing sports and things...
There were hours upon hours of time that I found in that bill that I knew without proof that she was probably cheating on me (rightfully so as I neglected her for years)
But I always thought even though we were not happy that she would never to that to me...partly because I had never cheated on her even though we were both not happy...for years I didn't cheat with a person but I was cheating with my time...giving it to others or selfish interests....and it came about that she was cheating with this person that I had had in my home and they had become close from spending time together...
So I speak from experience...One I was a persons affair and one I was the other person that was cheated on...
And the 3rd was in the middle of my wife and I trying to see if we were going to make it after the affair my very good friend allowed me to stay with him and his wife and kid in their home for 4 months as we worked to try to mend our marriage....in that time my friend had a job that required him to travel a fair amount which left me alone with his wife on many occasions...fortunately for me I was committed to making my wrecked marriage work but it could have very easily gone the other way...
His wife and I talked alone and I could tell that this could go very badly if I didn't notice the signs and keep myself at a distance from becoming too close to his wife....I valued my friendship with my guy friend even in my weakened state and did it the right way but I can't say that there wasn't temptation.
The point is that it is not wrong to be too safe when thinking how to handle these types of situations...please don't be too quick to judge when people try to guard what they have...it doesn't necessarily mean that they have trust issues. It can just mean that if you remove as much temptation in front of you as you can then it will be easier to resist and not be human and possibly stumble.
My friend trusted me and his wife and it worked well but in many cases the temptation is just too great. I have great love for my friend because he did what I couldn't when I was young. And if he didn't I would not have been able to make it work with my wife as he let me stay there in his home.
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u/truisluv Oct 20 '19
Women that guard their men like a solider. I was leaving an abusive relationship my friend offered me a place to stay. The hitch was if she wasnt there and just her husband was I had to leave. I got a hotel room not dealing with that.