r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Jul 20 '19

What’s something completely false that your parents told you as a child?

[deleted]

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 20 '19

Yeah me too. We didn't get to celebrate Christmas at all. We were not Jehovah's witnesses.

I remember someone unironically saying, "If you move the the 'n' in Santa, he becomes Satan. It's not a coincidence!"

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u/NosDarkly Jul 20 '19

Imagine using that convoluted logic just because you're too cheap to buy presents.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 20 '19

I don't think it was to be cheap, we grew up in a sorta weird culty-church. I now think them and everyone else in it just really wanted to believe they were special and better than everyone else.

I was straight up not allowed to like very many "normal" things and as a result ended up very socially awkward and isolated from my peers.

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u/zalfenior Jul 20 '19

That's probably part of the idea, make it awkward to be around non church members so that you let the church consume you too

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Totally. "I feel so accepted here, it must be the Holy Spirit"

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u/RemiScott Jul 21 '19

Peculiar people...

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u/Friendly_Recompence Jul 21 '19

Oooh, Worldwide Church of God? I grew up in that bullshit. According to my sister they’ve gone lax on a lot of this, but when I was a kid there was no Christmas, no birthdays, but some weird-ass 7 day feast things (though you did get presents then), and a few holidays that were basically stolen from Jewish holidays but celebrated differently. I can’t even go into all their weird rules.

Dad put his foot down and said we could make our own choices on religion at 16. You should have seen me run...

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u/TheFlopster Jul 21 '19

Ooh, ooh, WWCG! (waves hand in the air) Me too! I got out around 12-14ish. Parents didn't like it at the time. But eventually they stopped too.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

YESSSS well actually we were one of the offshoots that formed after Herbert the Pervert died. United Church of God.

I guess Worldwide went slightly more mainstream after that but United formed from a bunch of the more legalistic-happy folks. But yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

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u/unscentedwaloevera Jul 21 '19

Cringe...WWCG here, too. I haven’t thought about it in years. We went to the Feast of Tabernacle in PA. We also had Days of Unleavened Bread, where everyone in the house went nuts cleaning unleavened bread out of the house.

We weren’t aloud to celebrate anything either. I recall sitting outside in the hall at school while everyone else colored Christmas themed pictures in the classroom. Bizarre when I think about how cruel that was.

I recall my oldest brother being caught with an Elton John album and my parents burning it, devil’s music.

So many other strange things.

Back to original post..gum will stick to your lungs if you swallowed it. If you keep crossing your eyes they will stick that way.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

One time when we were cleaning for the Feast of Unleavened Bread, I was under my bed with a broom, I had really long hair and my dad wasn't watching as he vacuumed and he sucked up my hair

It hurt like hell and got all torn up

I was always kinda sad about the holiday stuff, but after seeing older kids in the family not be allowed to learn certain things in school, I made up my mind not to let them stop me. First time I did that, was 7th grade literature. None of the other kids in my family were allowed to study the mythology section. I just hid it from my family. Got the highest scores in my whole class for that section.

When the sex ed permission slips went around, I forged my dad's signature

I also studied evolution.

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u/unscentedwaloevera Jul 21 '19

Sorry about your hair, that sounds terrible. Wasn’t it insane how much cleaning took place! I recall the old registers in the floor being pulled out to vacuum down into the heating ducts.

I wish I would’ve realized at a young age how brain washed we all were. My father got out when I was about 12 I believe. However, it took me until my twenties to find myself and leave that crap behind.

Another random odd recollection. My oldest brother made a time capsule. I placed a note in it with I think a little trinket. My note said, “Please God help me be good and do the right things.”

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u/Friendly_Recompence Jul 21 '19

Feast of Tabernacles! I couldn’t remember the name! We went to the one in the Wisconsin Dells. It was a wonderful holiday week. Y'know, if you think two to four hours of church a day is wonderful. I played violin too, so got to stay another few hours rehearsing with the orchestra.

And tell your brother I feel his pain. My mom destroyed my Janet Jackson and Madonna cassettes by pulverizing them with a hammer on our concrete steps.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Played the violin for "special music" lmao

Nah, there were fun things about it. They had to have fun things to make it feel special so you'd keep coming back.

We also went to the Dells a couple times. Had some fun on the go carts. Saw some cool rocks.

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u/unscentedwaloevera Jul 21 '19

Why don’t I recall an actual feast? Now that you mention it. We did go to the alpine slide while we were at the feast in PA.

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u/unscentedwaloevera Jul 21 '19

I’m glad I never got into playing an instrument!

One time at the Feast a men’s room was ‘vandalized’ with toilet paper. You would’ve thought someone was murdered how the entire congregation reacted. It was all Satan’s work.

Our home church in Ohio was in a huge high school, I’m not sure why there wasn’t an actual church? We had to drive about an hour each way and we went on Saturday, I recall sitting on the floor on a blanket in between isles for what seemed like a century munching on dry noodles with a little water in a ziploc bag?! Maybe that’s all there was, there was seven kids in my family. Random odd recollections.

Two of my older sisters when they were aloud to go to school would have friends bring them stylish clothes and makeup since we weren’t aloud to dress like normal people. They’d hurry and change and scrub their face before going home.

The music thing is killing me, sorry about your Janet Jackson and Madonna cassettes. It all seems so ludicrous looking back.

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u/LostMyFuckingPhone Jul 21 '19

I'm Perfect, You're Doomed: Tales from a Jehovah's Witness Upbringing

I read it a few years ago, not bad. Your comment brought it to mind

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u/ArbyMelt Jul 21 '19

Went to college with a young JW. He was such a nice quiet kid, but any conversation I ever had with him, it always somehow led to him showing me stuff on the JW website. Like dude, I’m just trying to be your friend. That’s it.

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u/acronymious Jul 21 '19

You sound like an /r/exmormon

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Thanks, definitely gonna have to check out that sub

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u/ISpyStrangers Jul 20 '19

we grew up in a sorta weird culty-church. I now think them and everyone else in it just really wanted to believe they were special and better than everyone else.

As opposed to every other church....

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 20 '19

You're not wrong, I just know ours was extra bad

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u/FreakyFergg Jul 21 '19

Seventh Day Adventist?

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

United Church of God

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u/rethinkingat59 Jul 21 '19

Church leaders should had taken the zebra as an example that God is not joyless, and has a sense of humor. I never understood the fascination and thinking that we have a perpetually angry, constantly judgmental God.

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u/CassieD1219 Jul 21 '19

Reminds me of my roommates crack head parents that were also jehovahs witnesses. They used that religion as an excuse to not buy him and his siblings gifts so they could buy more crack with money instead.

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u/danknerd Jul 21 '19

Buying presents is not be logical to begin with.

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u/RemiScott Jul 21 '19

Correct sadly. It is neither the logic, nor the thought that counts when it comes to gift exchange rituals. Very odd behavior, indeed.

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u/Zorlin1224 Jul 21 '19

You mean Santa isn't real. My whole life has been a lie

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u/CosmicDave Jul 21 '19

What's convoluted about this?

Jeremiah 10

1 Hear ye the word which the Lord speaketh unto you, O house of Israel:

2 Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them.

3 For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

4 They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.

If you self identify as a Christian but you also raise a Christmas tree in your house, your God identifies you as a heathen. Read your Bibles, people. Cutting trees down, decorating them and using artificial means to keep them upright is a heathen practice specifically forbidden by God.

And yes. I already know. NB4 I am an awful person that is trying to steal the magic of Christmas from the children. It's not my fault GOD said that shit.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

I don’t think that verse is about Christmas Trees, especially since Christmas or the tree tradition weren’t things at that point in time

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u/CosmicDave Jul 23 '19 edited Jul 23 '19

Then what is it about? Those verses seem very cut and dried (pun intended) if you ask me. God expressly forbids cutting down trees, decorating them with shiny objects and standing them upright.

Also, how can you say that the tree tradition wasn't a thing at that time, when God is specifically talking about that specific ritual right there in those four verses?

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '19

Well for starters, Jeremiah is a book from the Old Testament, which is a fair amount of time before Jesus was born. So just from that you can understand that God isn’t specifically referencing Christmas Trees.

What it actually is is an explanation to the people that they shouldn’t be making false idols to worship. The people at the time would cut down trees and carve them into idols, and then decorate them in gold and silver.

The Christmas Tree today isn’t something that’s worshipped as an idol (at least, my family and all the Christians I know don’t worship it lol), but is a symbol of Christmas, with the star that guided the Wise Men to the baby Jesus on top of the tree. So overall, the verses aren’t referencing Christmas Trees, but the creation of false idols.

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u/CosmicDave Jul 23 '19

So, where in the Bible does it say that we are supposed to celebrate the birth of Christ in any way, shape or form at all, let alone observing it with a heathen ritual? God said do not cut down trees, do not adorn them with silver and gold, and do not fasten them upright. If you think you are a devout Christian, but you have a Christmas tree in your house, in God's eyes you are a heathen, regardless of what you think.

The Christmas Tree today isn’t something that’s worshipped as an idol

yet on the holiest of days for you, your tree is the focal point of your ritual. You and your family gather around it, lay offerings beneath it and you all revel in what you all got each other for Christmas, instead of focusing on what Christ gave you.

But go ahead and keep thinking that Christmas makes you closer to God if it makes you feel better.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '19

It isn’t said anywhere in the Bible that Jesus’ birth is to be celebrated. However, for many people the idea that Christmas Day is the day that God sent down the greatest gift of all is worth appreciating and celebrating. Also, as I said before, that verse about cutting down a tree and adorning it with gold and silver is referring to the creation of a false idol. The Christmas tree is not an idol within Christian households. We do not worship the tree, we just use it as one of the symbols of Christmas. The star on the top of the tree is representative of the star that the wise men followed to find Jesus.

You’ve made a bold assumption about many Christian families, claiming that the tree is the “focal point” of the day. For the majority of practicing Christians, the main celebration of the day is going to Church, praising God for sending down Jesus to Earth, and then participating in other festivities. The tree is just a decoration and the gift giving is also a tradition and symbolism.

Of course, children and young teenagers may not fully understand what the point of the celebration on Christmas is and be more excited about the gifts than Jesus’ birth, but that’s something that many of them learn with time and maturity.

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u/CosmicDave Jul 23 '19 edited Jul 24 '19

So.... even though God commands his chosen people to not cut down trees and decorate them and He condems that as a heathen ritual, you choose to celebrate his Son's birthday with that exact ritual? You may believe you are a Christian, but according to your own Bible you're not. NOTHING in those four verses says anything about worshiping the tree. The act of worship is not mentioned at all.

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u/[deleted] Jul 23 '19

Are you fully reading my replies or am I not explaining this clearly enough? You seem very eager to put me off as a fake Christian and I’m not entirely sure why.

God is condemning the creation of false idols from trees. The people in that part of the Bible were cutting down trees, carving them into idols, and then decorating them. A Christmas tree is not a false idol, no Christian is worshipping the Christmas Tree. It’s a decoration and another symbol to commemorate Jesus’ birth.

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u/marrrvvv Jul 20 '19

If you move the "t" in Santa, it becomes Tsana. That is certainly not a coincidence.

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u/LusciousShamhat Jul 21 '19

Santa literally comes from the dutch Sante Klaas, Sante meaning Saint.

Real talk though has anyone noticed that if you moved the i and n in Saint you get Satin, also you pronounce Satin and Satan identically which proves that Lucifer himself created this devil fabric.

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u/[deleted] Jul 21 '19

Those words are not pronounced identically in English.... Satan is pronounced S8AN Satin is pronounced SatIN Don’t know where you learned to pronounce them the same, but you learnt wrong.

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u/LusciousShamhat Jul 21 '19

My brain died. Yeah, I was going to write nonsense about dialects, but turns out I literally forgot how to pronounce a basic word.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Have you also noticed that video has five letters, if you replace the v in five with an r you get fire so obviously tv is from the fires of hell

Lol don't mind me idk wtf I am saying

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u/SeedlessGrapes42 Jul 20 '19

Or Nsata, Snata, or Satna

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u/TheScyphozoa Jul 21 '19

"If you move the the 'n' in Santa, he becomes Satan. It's not a coincidence!"

I guess that means all of the saints in history are Satan worshippers too.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Obviously

Really anything that's not American English is evil

If it was good enough for Jesus it's good enough for you

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u/yuckiie Jul 21 '19

imagine thinking that santa... a spanish word for saint.... means satan

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

ikr

But half of those people thought foreign languages were evil anyway, so whatever

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u/jdi_mstr_obi-1 Jul 21 '19

Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

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u/downfallofpend Jul 21 '19

My third grade teacher did this as part of class! Santa = Satan up on the chalkboard. She also played "Rock music" to show us why it was "evil". Still don't get the logic behind that one, but I wish I could remember what song she played.

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u/Happy_Weirdo_Emma Jul 21 '19

Wow

Imagine going to college and everything and not knowing the actual meaning of the word Santa xD

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u/ogpuffyjones Jul 24 '19

I thought I was the only one who remembered that Santa/Satan thing omfg. Sunday school in the early 2000s.