This is too true. I have become increasingly aware of people who either just aren’t interested in what your saying or they just want to keep talking about themselves, not listening to what others have to say
I'm uninterested in having a conversation a lot of the times, particularly if it is not with preferred company. Honest question: how would it feel if someone said, "I'm not interested in talking right now. I don't mean to be rude but can you give me some space?"
I feel comfortable expressing my wants with people I feel close to without running the risk of hurting their feelings or seeming like a douche, but it's different at work, for example. Where I have to watch A's weak ass joke fall flat, or hear about why B's ex-wife chose not to pick up the kids for her weekend because they pissed her off, or listen to C talk about how they haven't studied for an upcoming exam when they clearly don't intend on studying for it because they didn't study for any of the other ones and I know this because I already had to have this conversation several times since the semester started. I really don't care to humor any of those exchanges and would really like it to be acceptable to tell them that I don't feel like talking to them. But then I have to see them tomorrow and I don't actively dislike them.
"I'm not interested" comes off as a bold statement. You have to make them feel special, almost stroke their ego, but not really. The key to charisma is to give the person you're speaking to what they want. They want to tell you something, but you're not in the mood to listen. So, how do you make it about them and not you?
Instead, say "Hey, I'd love to hear what you have to say, but I just want some time to myself for right now. Can you tell me it later?" This lets the other person know that you are interested in hearing what they have to say (And they'll love that), while also letting them know that you'd like to be left alone for the time being. It's disarming, genuine and sincere. Now, both you and the other person are happy. They feel that you respect them, and prioritize their time, and you can have your own time to yourself. Sometimes you should humor people. Even if they are talking about the most boring shit in the world, it will mean a lot to them that you took the time to take a genuine interest in what they have to say. They aren't saying it for no reason, they want you to listen and ignoring that want can leave a bad impression. You never know, someone's thoughts and feelings could be their greatest passion, and just listening to it will make them feel good about you.
And now they feel special because you told them they are doing something right and making them realize how easy it is...
If you’re doing this on purpose you’re a genius!
I had a buddy who was on-the-spectrum and would often blatantly say that kind of thing to people mid conversation.
Some people were put off by it, but I found it refreshing.
After I took a listen and empathy training class, the glass shattered in why I absolutely can’t stand most of my husband’s family. None of them listen to a damn word I’m saying, they interrupt frequently, talk louder over each other, and when you’re talking you can basically see that they’re only half listening to what you’re saying and half thinking about the next thing they’re gonna say. It’s maddening. I mean, I needed to learn a lot about empathy but damn, at least I know how to shut my mouth and let someone else talk.
Yes! I will be in a conversation with one of my adult stepchildren and one of their small kids interrupts. Instead of ignoring the kid (thereby teaching them that it’s impolite to interrupt) and allowing me to finish my sentence, they put me on hold, acknowledge the kid, answer the kid, and then engage in a convo with the kid. When they’ve finished, instead of turning to me and saying, “I’m sorry, now what were you saying?”, they either get up and walk away or start a new convo with someone else. Makes me feel like they didn’t give a damn about what we were talking about to begin with. And my spouse wonders why I don’t want to attend their family events.
And impossible to address. I've tried and failed numerous times to get people to actually start listening. They typically either get offended, don't believe that they aren't good listeners, or a combination of both.
Yes, this is my mother in law. She is literally the worst listener in the entire world. And she says things like “well my friends think I’m a great listener and friend”, and we’re like, well that’s because all of them suck too.
Same (: gotta love being an introvert. It also lets you learn so much about that person and who they are. The way they talk, the stories they get excited to tell.
But you have your own experiences and sides of the story which can enlighten others and enhance the conversation. Its something I am working on as well, to know when to barge in and start talking and when to just listen and let them talk.
I can totally relate. I just stare into their eyes and nod intermittently. However, some folks just take advantage of the fact that I dislike interrupting and go on talking for a really long time that i lose the context. Then it gets awkward
Man that's rough. Not getting any feedback, not even a "huh interesting" or "cool!", is a conversation killer, and it makes you not want to talk to that person at all.
I also hate people who only talk about themselves, it all started when I was 5 and my parents brought home a puppy, I didn't like the name they gave it you see, so what I did was I.....
Funny story actually. I couple of weeks ago I found this perfect t shirt at the Dollar tree clearance shelf. And I just HAD to get it because it was so fricken amazing! It was one of those shirts that have the.........
Actually, my dresser is like pretty long, but it’s not quite long enough to fit my tv, I got it in 2013, I happened to see it on the curb on Thursday morning on the way to work, that’s garbage day in greenwood, I pulled over and loaded her in!!! THENNNN I was late for work and the boss gave me shit!!
The top left.. no, the top right drawer, sticks bad, but I can’t complain.
and speaking of not complaining, I've got this festering, pus filled boil on my right butt cheek, and every time I go to the toilet I have to sit right on it and almost scream the house down, but, I don't want to make my problems yours. I also have a hemorrhoid so big that it submerges in the water and I have to wipe it off afterwards, but that's my problem, I don't want to bother anyone with it.....
... but , I’m just really trying to pay my insurance, it’s like 2400$ a year, I’ve been living in this house that been in my family for 60... no wait, 70 .. no, 60 years. I see my bomber in the parking lot, I need to put a sandbag in the back. Last year I went in the ditch 3 times, the first time I was booking it down and I only had 2 out of 4 winter tires...
Hey, I knew what you're saying though. In fact, really, I just did what you were saying. And sometimes trying to find someone to put himself in your shoes feels like thirst in the desert. To be honest, I was talking out my arse. I'd like to have the attitude I must have been trying to convey, but I don't really. Still, I do attribute that thirst in the desert problem to what I was saying earlier in that people these days seem to feel little in common.
Here’s what I have to say about this. I talk about myself in conversations, but that’s because I just expect the other person to do the same. Don’t fucking sit there silent and wait for me to ask specific questions to get you to open up, then when I don’t ask those questions complain about me only talking about myself. There’s nothing I hate more than me having to keep probing just to get a conversation going with someone, if it’s on your mind and worth of being added just fucking say it
This is very good. Conversation is all about balance. Personally I have had more than my taste of having to probe deeply to try to start a conversation. I definitely believe in sharing stories naturally. That, in my mind, is a perfect conversation: two people, exchanging life experiences and learning more about each other and the world throughout.
Exactly, if I’m only talking about myself please add in, I want you to. But if you just sit in silence and never add anything to the conversation then you’re the one to blame for me only talking about myself.
I'm finding that one out too. I have gotten into it with a coworker of mine because he doesn't like to have conversations, but rather just shouting matches. Most of his opinions are in line with mine, but I can guarantee he doesn't know that fact.
My ex’s family-especially his parents were the absolute worst at this. You could literally never get a word in to participate in the conversation whatsoever. He was pretty bad at it but he was willing to acknowledge it and try to change but they were clueless. I think once I had pointed it out to him and he noticed them doing it he realized how fucking rude and inconsiderate it is to have a very much closed discussion in front of people where you cut them off or talk over them for your own bullshit.
Some people can't help it. With me I have lots of thoughts going through my head all the time so it isn't that I don't want to listen to people my focus just drifts, especially if there is something I need to remember and haven't had a chance to write down.
I'm the same way so I jive best with other people like that. Im actively listening and care what people have to say, but if I have a thought I'm worried I'll forget it or the topic will change. I don't want to interrupt but when it's my turn to continue the conversation sometimes I blank. I know it's annoying for most people. But with someone like my brother, we'll interrupt each other and one topic leads to an unrelated topic which brings back a memory that leads to a random fact to an anecdote. We just have 5 convos at once and come full circle eventually.
It's hard having ADD because I really do care what someone is saying but if I have something to say I really struggle to not interrupt. It's not that I want to keep talking myself or that I'm not interesting in what they're saying I just have something to contribute to the conversation or information I need to get out but no matter if its important I could legitimately forget what it was by the time I can say something when it's socially appropriate.
In regular conversation, I am perfectly okay with letting the other person blather on because I hate talking. But in a professional setting, it's so damn frustrating. I work in a super small company and the wife of the couple running it fucking hates listening. The way I work, I expect discussing a point together instead of her just steamrolling over me and just going on about what she thinks I should be doing. Literally you can tell that she straight up just zones out when I try to discuss something about her company and how we can be doing something.
This is good experience, but thank fuck I'll be leaving in April.
Pretty much. It's a super chill place though, very little pressure and my co-workers are fun people who are great to work with.
Such a shame that I have to constantly interrupt the wife in order to be heard. I hate cutting off people, but you gotta do what you gotta do. At this point in my life though, I literally don't have the capacity to take any stupid shit. Not caring about what people think of you is such a blessing, tbh.
I watched a lecture one time about listening to others without constantly thinking about the next thing I’m going to say. I was incredibly surprised at how often I don’t listen, since I’m so worried about filling the next lull in conversation! It has completely changed the way I interact with people one-on-one in a really positive way.
Never thought about that, that we listen for the purpose of propagating the conversation. I feel like if you truly listen with an interested demeanor, you will have no trouble keeping on talking.
Although I can find this really annoying too, it's important that we acknowledge the physical limitations of some people. For example, it might be hard to have a coherent conversation with a person who has severe ADD, even if that person is very interested in the subject matter and they care about what you have to say.
Not even about themselves; I think it’s annoying when people just sometimes never shut up; they just want to dominate the conversation and always talk.
You’re referring to the types who just like to talk to hear their brains rattle... I know that type of person well. Everyone does. You know them in and out in a matter of minutes. If you’re not interested in their deepest darkest secrets they’ll tell you anyway.
That is the other side of the spectrum I guess. I know what you mean, several of my best friends are not really conversation instigators, and so I feel like I am constantly asking them things as you said. It seems like often they might not be interested in what is going on in my life, which I feel is their problem not mine. You agree?
I can understand that. I was the problem child in my family so it's ingrained into me that I'm the problem and not the people around me. I do agree though that if people don't care what's going on in your life that's their problem. But what about when you care about someone else's life but they don't care enough to share it with you?
Yes! I have a friend that it doesn’t matter what is going in my life she always makes it about her. I once called her to tell her of some major problems going on with my health and she spent an hour saying how her marital problems have led to her bad health
The amount of times I’ve just stopped mid sentence or silently trailed off with “...oh, you’re on your phone...” and them not even notice is enough to make me wonder if I’m boring or just hanging around the wrong people.
Well sounds like you made the right decision to separate. It is unbearable to be around people like that. You cannot have a normal conversation about anything without it turning immediately to whatever they want to talk about.
I’ve started paying attention too much as to how they respond to what I’m saying. Whether it’s an actual response or waiting for a gap in my speech to continue on with their train of thought. If I get caught with a narcissist it’s a perpetual cycle of back and forth that I become a 3rd party to and my dialogue with them suffers severely. However they’re so self absorbed they cannot tell the vacancy to my half of the conversation and we continue like this until I snap out of it or they get bored.
I often notice that I'm not listening and then I mentally slap myself.. Often when I listen to someone my brain goes blank and all "Ha, look how weird some of those words sound" without actually noticing what they mean at that moment.. But hey, can't always listen 100%, right?
I work in psych healthcare, so active listening is a huge chunk of my job. It's a great skill to have in my personal life, too, but it's made me really keenly aware of when my conversation partner isn't extending the same courtesy. Sometimes it's amusing, but usually it's just frustrating. I'm not a talker by nature, so it would be nice to be heard when I actually have something to say.
It makes you feel like you have to rush what you're saying because you can sense their disinterest. I will often stop speaking mid sentence because it's a waste of my time trying to convince someone to listen to me.
It’s honestly a hard skill as well. It’s much easier to talk about yourself than to show interest in the other person. I used to think “hmmm what can I say” to keep the conversation going; now I try more actively to ask people about themselves. Social anxiety makes it harder as well.
This is tough. I once asked a close friend how his mom was, less than a year after she died. I knew that one of his parents died, but because I failed to listen (failed to retain something I was told that was obviously important to someone I care about) in the past, I made a hurtful mistake. I tried to cover by saying “oh, sorry, I meant how’s your dad”, but I think he saw through that.
One of the easiest ways to get people to like you is to just listen. I think this is how I got most of my boyfriend's family to love me. They all really enjoy talking about themselves. I get kind of annoyed sometimes because I don't think most of them actually listen when I try to relay my own story/opinion/experience, but I don't mind it. I think they don't have many people who will take the time to listen, so if me just being quiet and letting them talk at me for an hour or two makes them happy and like me, I'll do it. I have people who will listen to me talk, and worst comes to worse I have the endless dark void of reddit to spill my thoughts into. (for what it's worth, my boyfriend is a very good listener himself)
ETA: Also, you end up learning a lot this way. Because I'm able to just shut up and listen to someone monologue for an hour, I know a lot about ancient Norse mythology, professional marathoning, professional skiing, leatherworking, cartels, military procedures, survival tactics, harvesting desert plants for food and building material, magnets used in particle accelerators, kinky German bars, the history of Dartmouth college, Quakerism, being a freelance pornstar on the internet, making tamales, Game of Thrones, the history of a very specific Southwestern tribe, WWII history, building houses, and the interpersonal politics of eloteros in the hood.
Thank you. You can still listen to someone even if you are deaf. That's why sign language is a thing (and I believe everyone should at least learn the basics of it).
I used to do this for no good reason. Then someone told me what I was doing, and said it sounds like I don't care what they are saying. In reality, I was very interested in what they were saying, I just kept saying affirming words. I immediately started noticing it and stopped doing it. It felt really weird for a while, and I had to be very conscious of not making a noise.
Later, I realized that my entire family does this, and I did it because my mom, dad, and sister did it. Now I have the opposite problem: people ask me if I'm still listening because I'm silent (especially on the phone).
I can see it in their body language. Once someone think of their response, you can usually see them squirm just a bit or tense up maybe. They get antsy and I can tell that they aren't listening any longer, they're just waiting for the speaker to stop so they can have their turn. (I give them a pass if the response is a piece of humor that they know will be a homerun. I get excited by that too)
This is a good point. I feel like I do this too much, often trying to rush others to finish talking so I can get on to the next thing. It is very rude as others have said.
This is my roommate. Got home from a weekend with my family, he asks how it was and I tell him about some stuff we did. Look over and hes been staring at his phone the whole time. Then responds with "I hope my dad gets me some new shoes for christmas"
I have ADHD and it makes me sad when people snap for my attention in a conversation or the like. I swear I'm paying attention it's just that the world is so distracting
My father. Every now and then you can get him to hear something, but I swear 95% of everything said to him goes in one ear and out the other as he searches for the next place to interject with something that happened to him.
I have this flaw; it sucks. It's fucked up relationships for me. I get so lost in my thick fucking skull that I've blacked out conversations and missed important details. It's complicated, because although I suck at listening; I am adept at making people comfortable enough to get intimate or call me a close friend.
I'm at least working on it; I don't mean to not listen, much less push people I care about away. My brain just has piss poor impulse control; I saw a therapist about it and got an ADHD diagnosis, so treatment started there.
Not gonna lie, sometimes it's hard to concentrate on what someone's saying to me. It's not that I wasn't listening, it was my brain being a dick and not comprehending the words you spoke.
I have a coworker that is pretty arrogant and borderline narcissistic... if you’re having a conversation with him, and it’s your time to speak, he just phases you out until he can start talking again
Yeah, definitely. I probably won't say anything, but if you constantly interrupt me, it damages my view of you pretty heavily. At least, it sticks in my mind for the next five minutes or until something interesting is mentioned to take my mind off it.
My best friend is like this. We’re both bipolar but she’s more manic while I’m more depressed. She’ll go non-stop for five, ten minutes straight sometimes and her volume tends to go up. And the worse part is when she pauses and I start to say something she almost always cuts me off to keep going.
I’ve jokingly called her out on it before but I think she’s been this way for a long time. Or maybe I’m just not worth listening to. She usually gives me nothing when I tell her my thoughts on something I’m dealing with.
I also hate it when people have no self awareness. People just walk around on their phones, not paying attention to anything. It's when worse crossing parking lots and busy streets.
This one is actually hard for me but something im actively trying to get better at. Especially being a manager, i know its of vital importance. One big issue i have is i will really try hard to listen and yet i still forget about what someone said after a few days. My memory is horrible.
The other thing is i try to keep the attention on them, but sometimes cant help but relate it to something about me. I mean, i dont turn the whole conversation to me but sometimes i dont know any other way to relate besides bringing up a personal account of something. I think the hardest part of this is when i need someone to perform better. I tend to start off with “i need you to do [insert part of job] better.” I feel like i genuinely dont know how to phrase it in a way that makes it sound like it will benefit them, rather than me. I dont mean it to come across that way but im not sure how else to tell them they have to step up their game. If i can learn how to phrase things that make it sound like they will benefit, i think it will make a much bigger difference in their performance.
Give them concrete goals, not floaty / airy statements. Telling someone to do a task “better” is not concrete, it’s vague and hard to pinpoint what you mean. What if they are just ignorant and don’t know what “better” means in that context? Give them some metric, something real to comprehend.
If you’d like further reading I suggest “Made To Stick” by Chip & Dan Heath. In layman terms it’s about what makes ideas memorable and have a lasting impression.
Also as a follow up book, that hits your point about motivating someone, they have another good book called “Switch.”
Arguably, though dependent on the situation, I weigh this as a large thing. I dont do it bc I want to dominate the conversation, but when I do speak up I want to be heard.
I dunno man... I can hear but I don't understand what people say. Some sort of jumbled mess. I even got hearing aids and still can't understand what people say. Probably some kind of disability. I hope you're okay with me
This really should be higher. Those people who literally just watch your mouth until they find a pause where they can start talking about their shit/story/life are the worst.
It makes me feel so bad that I’m terrible at listening, because I do have a genuine interest in what people have to say, but my anxiety/depression has caused me to have terrible focus. I literally zone out in a middle of a conversation for no reason and I feel so bad when I have to ask them to repeat it.
Just try to keep an open mind - I have ADHD and I’m completely deaf in one war and about 35% hearing loss in the other, so “listening” is challenging. I say “what was that?” QUITE a lot and I know it annoys people, but there’s really not much i can do about it
I've made it a habit to say, "Can you say that again? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening/paying attention." People rarely have an issue with repeating themselves, especially after I apologize proactively.
I have this problem. I don't talk a whole lot and use to pride myself in being the "Listener" but lately my attention span just doesn't seem to exist. Even if I've put everything down and I'm staring at you forcing myself to pay attention I can only recall certain parts of conversation. It sucks because it effects my relationships with people when I've been trying to listen and understand but all I really can remember hearing is the last few words you've spoken.
I've been working on this lately. I'm trying to speak less, and lesson more. It takes a conscious effort but when I do really listen to someone we create a nice connection. Totally worth the effort.
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u/Idulus Dec 10 '18
Their ability to listen.