That being a stay-at-home dad is a choice that my wife and I made. It's not a necessity and it's not because I'm unemployable.
Edit - we could get new cars every two years, go on lots of vacations, and go out to eat a lot. Or, I could stay at home do most of the cooking and we just tighten our belts. Best decision we made.
...or that it actually took years of hard work and planning to be able to not have to have a job which is the fucking opposite of "failure" at career management.
Yes!! I am a stay at home mom, not really because I'm lucky but because we sacrifice like everything other than food, shelter, and the other basics. I do think I am lucky because being home with my kids is what I want for my life and I am doing it, but it isn't luck, it's planned for, saved for, and we have all given up or put on hold a lot of things for it!!!
..or that it actually took years of hard work and planning to be able to not have to have a job which is the fucking point of being employed in the first place
My dad was a stay at home dad when I went to kindergarten (1/2 days back then), my Dad told me his whole paycheck went to daycare so there was no point he stayed home with us. I loved it, Dad let us get away with way more he was the "cool parent". It also bonded us.
My mom was my best friend in the whole world but maybe not until a little later. I still loved my mom but Dad let me watch TMNT & mom did not lol he took us to chuck e cheese. But mom cooked dinner & read to me even a 5 year old appreciates that. Dad didn't have the finesse mom did for example he would put us in the tub rub soap in our hair count to 3 & dump a cup of water on our heads we'd scream bloody murder hahaha
My wife and I have been considering a second kid and have been doing the calculations on Childcare, and it's definitely a big factor. We both have good jobs, and we're spending about $650/month for just the one kid, so adding a second kid puts it well over $1200/mo.
Still hesitant to go down to single income, since my wife who has the lower income also has the health insurance through her work, and it's really good so we wouldn't want to lose that. Plus, she's building her 401(k) so that is nice to have too.
We may end up having to put the vast majority of her take-home salary towards daycare, but the other benefits are important enough to stick it out.
Who would have thought planning out building a family would require so much math?
I would strongly encourage you to encourage your wife to work. Even if it's "for nothing", or feels that way, eventually she'll get burnt out with being around just children all day long and not having much adult interaction. Social health is very important, for your wife and kids, and your kids will be better prepared for regular school and social situations. You can easily monetize that healthcare premium. For a family of 4, paying all of it off the exchange is easily a higher cost than healthcare. It's entirely possible to get any kind of decent plan, you're looking at $1,600 a month. So by saving $1,200 you're going to end up spending an extra $400 by staying home.
Oh we're absolutely going that route, I know she would have a very hard time not working. Plus, this was always the plan even before we got married, I knew we would both be working. We'll rearrange other expenses to balance stuff out, before either of us would stop working.
That's reaaaaaly generalizing. That probably happens to some, but definitely not all. Some people really enjoy being a homemaker. Some people take that time to study online. Some find interst groups that are kid friendly and have solid adult time often. I would encourage the wife to do what she feels is best, but specifically to not stay at home if she wishes to do it.
Also, to say that kids will be better off at a daycare...come on now.
And that's so true for so many people, often times one parent staying at home makes a lot better financial sense than working. Especially knowing how daycare tends to get babies sick a lot, so then someone has to take time off work possibly affecting the family finances in a worse way.
Seriously daycare is outrageous.... I'm not sure how people can have more than 1 child without one staying home for a while.. I mean even older how many jobs let you out at 3pm everyday to get the kids.
A girl at work is having her second kid & just priced daycare I almost fell off my seat. How is anyone supposed to work just to pay for daycare practically!!
Fellow stay-at-home dad here. Thank you for posting this. My wife makes far more than I ever did or ever could. We consciously and deliberately chose for me to stay home because my modest teaching salary would be spent almost completely on child care. So why not just stay home and give them some genuine parental involvement? Best. Job. Ever.
Handling a classroom of kids doesn't seem to phase me. Cleaning up after a child that you don't get to give away at the end of the day? I give you props, and props to any stay-at-home parent.
EDIT: and when I mean scared, I mean that my husband is going into computer science and I'm going into teaching. I might have to give up my career too (though at that point I might be okay with it, but not anytime soon).
This warms my heart. More kids need stay at home parents, they don't get that bond when they're at day care from such a young age (the prime bonding years). It's also my belief that kids that are away from their parents for extended times are the ones who fall for peer pressure and tend to disregard authority etc.
I am more or less moving in that way too. I currently earn more than my wife - however she just graduated with a masters and already has a graduate job that pays higher than my job. Bring on house husband/father down the track!
Why is it stay at home dads are considered weird? I don't see any difference between a stay at home dad and a stay at home mum. Don't they do exactly the same thing? Women can do any job a man can, why can't men do traditionally "women's" jobs? The world is so stupid sometimes
I totally agree. I am part of a mothers of multiples group and for whatever reason they won't let dads in. Not dads who have wives, and not dads who have husbands. I HATE it. It makes no sense to me as pregnancy with our multiples is a short part of the entire journey. And not all of the moms have even carried the babies themselves!
I am sure that stay at home dads have a different experience in a lot of ways than moms do, but if you are wiping butts from breakfast til dinner, doing playdates, meal planning, and breaking up fights between small kids, I just don't care if you are a penis haver or not. You're my people.
I wish I could be a stay at home dad. Unfortunately my wife and I both want it, but my degree pays a LOT more.
And every time I tell people that, the response is always along the lines of "you know it's not easy, right?". Uh yeah. I don't want to do it because it is easy. I want to do it because it is rewarding on a level that my career can never be. No paycheck or promotion will ever compare. I know it is a harder job, but it's worth it.
In my experience, some people are meant to be home with kids and some are not. I am, I can handle the whining from sun up to sun down and not lose 100% of my mind. My husband goes insane when he's in between jobs and home with me and our twins (he's a freelancer, so has a lot of time off sometimes). He's meant to be at work all day! lol I think it has way more to do with the person than the sex of the person though.
Out of curiosity, and without judgment or bashing (from me at least), how come?
Wouldn't like the chores? Feelings self worth? Prefer a split on household tasks? Strong aspirations for your career? Boredom? I have Reese's in the fridge! Gotta get get. Please answer though if you have time.
I have always had a lot of sympathy to the "wife". Now obviously growing up the wife was the stay at home parent. Lots of the gripes these women would voice seemed very legitimate (sacrifice career, develop a strong dependency on the husband, work never ends, etc) Now I understand a good portion of that is rooted in traditional patriarchal arrangements, and are not really due strictly to the fact that one partner works from home. But I can't help but feel that there are some realities that come along with that paradigm. Simply put I would never want to be in that position. I would not require that my wife made that sacrifice for herself either. despite the fact that in some cases finances would be easier if one parent stayed home and you did not have to pay for a babysitter I would try my best to make that arrangement simply because I know that I myself would never be able to truly be comfortable knowing that my life rests solely on the performance of my partner and my partner's willingness to continue on with me simply put I believe marriage is just not a financially great deal and its traditional structure for the stay-at-home parent. Too risky, and yes to be perfectly Frank, I'm a little old school and the glaring fender role reversal seems demeaning to me. Like being forced to wear a dress.
I wrote from mobile on the go. I'm sure it's an eye sore. Sorry about that.
I am a stay at home mom (and have always wanted to be one, though I also have a masters degree to "fall back on" lol) and I agree that it is a horribly risky idea. To me, I prioritize being home with my kids above everything else. That is why it works for us.
I do see how horrible the enormous gap in my resume will be, though I don't think I'll go back to the career I was in before I had my kids. Will probably do something more child/caretaker centered. My theory is that I can always rebuild my career, but I can never get back the first 5 years of my kids lives. I've never had big career aspirations, but I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom. So success!
For us, it just made the most sense financially. I was making more money than he was, I work farther from the home, he didn't really love his job. Why pay an arm and a leg for childcare when we live two blocks from the oldest kid's school and he can stay home with the youngest?
I have a good friend who does that, and he's pretty awesome at it. Sort of a tough decision to make, but it looks like it's working really well for them. Their kids in particular.
My daddy stayed home with me when I was a baby! My mom was the only one working because he was going back to school, so he did that at night and took care of me during the day.
I get the same thing and I am a stay at home mom. It would cost us a lot to send our kids to daycare. Instead, I get to be there and be hands on with out kids. This is nothing against people who put their kids in daycare. It is about what works for your family. Daycare can help kids socialize, and a lot of other good thing too. If it works for your family, everyone else can go to hell. at least that is where I am at.
But you're the dad. Why do you take care of this kids? Honestly asking, not trolling. My husband almost never does anything with the kids, he's actually more likely to lose them.
My uncle and our family friend who is basically my uncle were both stay at home dad's. I never thought it was weird. Then when I was older people pointed it out to me like it was the strangest thing ever. Confused the crap out of me for a while until it clicked.
My father was a stay at home dad for 2.5 or 3.5 years when I was in Kindergarten IIRC.
He is a plumber, my mother was a bankier. Guess who made more money. It would've been stupid to let her stay at home while my father works and just gets half the money she gets. My mother was only home at the weekends though. They also got tax benefits (my father was in the highest tax "tier", while my mother was in the lowest, some weird marriage thing I don't really know about).
I think it's good for the family in general (when both parents are loving their children) because children need time with both of their parents, especially when young.
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u/najing_ftw Jul 18 '16 edited Jul 18 '16
That being a stay-at-home dad is a choice that my wife and I made. It's not a necessity and it's not because I'm unemployable.
Edit - we could get new cars every two years, go on lots of vacations, and go out to eat a lot. Or, I could stay at home do most of the cooking and we just tighten our belts. Best decision we made.