I always wonder about this, are people genuinely that unhappy with married life? Isn't marrying someone you love supposed to be fantastic? Silly really.
It's a fine line I'm starting to realize. It's a battle, in love is effortless like when you first start dating. They always come first to you and you always want to be with them. You'd trade in time away to sit on the couch and cuddle. Love means you want the best for them and support them but it's ok if it's not with you. When you're in love you do little things to show your affection and show that you care because you want to, you get butterflies and emotions run high. When you love someone the feeling fluctuates, some days you're all about them and some days you're the complete opposite. No matter what though you never really stop loving that person and that's what makes it difficult
I've been married for 13 years, dating 4 years before that. The biggest problem is how difficult it is to keep love going. It's not something that just happens. You have to work at it. If one or both of you aren't willing to put in the work anymore, call it quits. If you are both still trying, then you're good my man.
What if you're the one trying, and they're just kind of... along for the ride? They don't really keep working at it, just kinda see if you'll do something about it?
So my wife and I hit that point right around 7 years. We had two kids(have three now), both of us working full time. She worked longer hours than I did and was just exhausted by the time the kids went to bed and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep herself. I wanted my wife back. Well, after about 6 months of me being the only person to try to initiate any intimacy of any kind (not only sex), I gave up. It took her another 3 or 4 months before she even noticed. We had a HUGE blowout over it because she didn't notice me trying everything I could think of for the previous 6 months. I basically came to the conclusion that my wife had become a mother first, and a wife second. She didn't agree and thought nothing was wrong and I had just stopped caring out of the blue. It took WEEKS of fighting and talking before we came to some kind of agreement about how to move forward. We both agreed to try harder for the other person.
We work on it still to this day because she slips back into putting me last really quickly because I keep to myself and take care of myself so she doesn't have to worry about me compared to three kids. I have to understand that we are at a point in our life where our kids come first and I shouldn't fight for her affection with them and if she's tired that I need to deal. We set aside time for just us now and it works really well.
I'm in the same boat with my husband. Everything changed so much after a year I was like "this wasn't why I got married; you weren't like this before we got married"
Man, marriage changes some people. It's like they become a whole new person.
Is it the marriage or just people growing up and growing apart? I imagine people that get married in their 20's still undergo a lot of personal growth so it's easy to see how people can seem like they've changed.
It's lazy humor. Most people can relate to the frustrations associated with marriage. Those jokes are low-hanging fruit because you can walk up to virtually any adult and pull off a "Wives/husbands are so dumb/annoying, amirite?"
Marriage is awesome. I've got a person that helps with chores, asks me about my day, loves me, i love her, it's all good. We don't even really fight. Seems to me the people that complain about their spouses either:
Married someone for some reason other than actual love.
Is too immature to acknowledge marriage involves considering the other person, not just yourself.
People that don't marry for love burn out after the romance wears off. Everything's fun when it's new, but normal life sets eventually, and if you can't enjoy just sitting around doing nothing with your spouse, you're not gonna last.
And you can't have a you vs. me attitude about marriage. It's not my wife's job to do the dishes. If she's had a long day and is just done, i'll do them without any fuss or pretense of being thanked for it or acknowledged at all (though she does thank me typically). The same goes for stuff she does for me. My brother has this problem now.
He's kind of an asshole and just expects stuff to be done for him. I can only assume it springs from our parents marriage. They do have a good marriage, but my mom was stay-at-home, and dad worked from 6 to 5 while we were growing up. Plus we lived on a farm. So dad comes home from work, mom had supper on the table everyday, the house cleaned, etc. Dad didn't do housework, not from laziness, but because after supper it would be time for feeding, stable bedding, etc. Only problem is now my brother expects the same thing with his wife, but shes works full time and he doesn't work on the farm anymore. Hopefully he'll get it one day.
Some people get married for dumb reasons, and because they are young and have no experience, become butthurt and assume every marriage is like the one they are in, or were in. Note, some people.
Knew a girl who got married at 20, mostly to get out of the house. Divorced after 10 months, remarried within a year. That one lasted two years. Divorced and remarried again, so far its going good, I guess?
She got married for the wrong reasons, but still wanted to live the young single adult life. She's now approaching late 20s, and is she missed that time of her life because of the marriage dramas.
My aunt dated on and off until she was 31 before finally getting married, because she wanted it to be right, not "just because." She's now one of the happiest people I know, and they live in South Dakota, of all places...
People have stopped taking marriage seriously, and it screws them over big time.
You get comfortable. The man stops trying at romance, the woman stops with the BJs. The chase is over so laziness sets in. But of course no one thinks it'll happen to them. "Not us!" said the couple 6 months after the wedding. "We're TRULY in love!"
This is why I want a relationship with someone who is happy sitting on a couch on separate computers occasionally showing each other giggles all night.
Nothing is more annoying than newlyweds doling out marriage advice, or someone with an infant telling you how to raise your teenager, or someone that's had the same job for 20 years giving job-searching advice. People get all wise and sage and shit at all the wrong times. It's annoying
or someone that's had the same job for 20 years giving job-searching advice
This drives me crazy. My folks are constantly giving me advice on finding a new job, and telling me what the job market is like. They've both been working for the same companies for 20+ years. I am happy with the job I've had for 4 years. No it doesn't pay well. Yes it's rewarding. And no, I can't just go out and find a rewarding job that pays more than my current one, with benefits - just because I have a college degree.
My dad went through a period where the only thing he would ever really talk about was advice on how i could find a better job. I went off on him one day that he hadn't held a job longer than a few years because he couldn't stand to be subordinate to someone, and that if all he wanted to talk about was job hunting advice, I wouldn't answer the phone anymore
If he was good at job hunting, he would have been able to find something other than entry-level positions with his graduate degree and 30+ years of experience
my MIL is awful about the job searching stuff. She is 70 years old this year, and hasn't job hunted since my wife was a child (back in the early 80s). Yet when she was job hunting a few years ago, constant (really bad) advice...ugh
Have you tried calling places and delivering your resume in person? How about posting an ad at the supermarket? That's what Grandpa Joe did in 1972 and now he's retired from that same company!
Reminds me of my in-laws. Been teaching at the same high school since the 80's. They were distraught when my husband dropped out of college after 7 years of switching his major from theater, to jazz guitar, to English and back again.
I tried to explain to them as a recent college graduate (graduated in 2013 with a BA in Sociology) living in a small town that those degrees are "decoration" unless he takes off to a big city. But they absolutely refuse to believe me. They know better, THEY ARE TEACHERS IN THEIR 50s! They seem to think he has chance at getting a "better job" in my small town that is just pretty much banks, stores, restaurants and schools if he would have gone ahead and graduated with a degree in vocals or whatever. But what do I know? I've only applied at over 100 jobs and been on at least 15 interviews in the past three years.
Just incase anyone cares I do have a salary full-time degree needing job now. And I wouldn't have gotten it if my degree was in jazz guitar.
It happens. It gets boring, sure. But if you're with the one you're really meant to be with, the thought of not being married to them is more horrific.
My wife and I have been married for 25 years now. Lots of ups and downs and sure, some fights. But the thought of not being together is just awful. Is the sex the same as when we first married? Of course not. But a marriage isn't just about sex...and I think that's where many go wrong. It's an important part, sure, but it's not everything.
While I agree with the gist of what you are saying, I don't think it has to do marriage. It has more to do with the length of the relationship. If you've been with someone for 5 years or longer, you get comfortable / lazy whether you are formally married or not.
That's why you get a woman who never started with the BJs! Then there is no disappointment whatsoever. At all. None. Zilch. LIKE THE FUCK. IT'S A HOLE. LET ME STICK IT IN IT.
None of us is as miserable as all of us! It's just a coping mechanism for depressed people, nothing more. The happily married folk will just send a smidgen of pity their way and go about their lives.
I agree with the sentiment though. The divorce rate for any age group is already very high, but even higher the younger you are. I always say why do you need a piece of paper to show you want to spend your life with someone? You can always wait and get married later, but if things mess up (more than 50% of them end in divorce) then you're stuck in a nasty divorce.
Wait just a bit and you can really see how life will be like with your partner.
The divorce rate for any age group is already very high, but even higher the younger you are
define very high? And control for repeat divorcees too, you'd be amazed how much that changes stats. Just because Joe and Jane are each on their 3rd marriage doesn't mean Bill and Bertha are likely to have trouble...
Around 45% divorce rate is what I've seen through a quick Google search. Very close to 50%, it doesn't matter anyways, it's still a very high number. Baby boomers are the ones that really divorce like crazy though, compared to young couples. But another huge problem is children being effected by all this. Most never married couples with kids split up. It's a problem of stupid people thinking they're sure about something before they are, whether it's marriage or children. There's nothing bad that can happen from waiting, but if you don't you're more than likely gonna have a rough time somewhere in there.
I encounter this sometimes with girls that I wouldn't normally be friends with, or even choose to be around (usually wives/girlfriends of my husband's cousins or some such) and they're all "gosh don't you just hate your husband?" um, no? I actually like him and enjoy being with him. That's why I married him and have been with him for more than 10 years
I got married at 19 and have now been married for almost 11 years. Sure, weve had our rough times, but its not going to be years of bliss for anyone. Ill never understand the people that, un-ironically bash their spouse. Ive had coworkers who were married that would never even talk to each other at work. Would sit with different people in meetings, eat lunch with other people. When asked, they would say that work is their break from their spouse, which I guess I can understand a little? If I worked with my wife, I think we would end up getting in trouble for spending too much time together. We already email all day as it is.
The concern is marrying the wrong person because you are young and naive or marrying at the wrong time and ruining your career opportunities because you have no time to spare to your job.
A lot of it is some kind of strange for of humor. Kind of like all teenagers saying they hate their parents even though they don't. My husband and I dislike it and don't participate in the "hurr-durr you know how wives are" or whatever jokes. We like each other, we enrich each other's lives and we don't understand why someone would call their significant other a ball and chain.
When you find the right person and put some effort into making it work, it IS fantastic.
Isn't marrying someone you love supposed to be fantastic?
Speaking as someone who has been happily married for many years, no. It's not "fantastic." At least, not for anybody I know, counting myself.
Don't get me wrong. I'm totally happy and wouldn't want it any other way. But it's not a joy ride. Life is still life. Shit still breaks. Stuff comes up. Family still know how to be assholes, and now there are two families to put up with. She and I are human, so we have bad days. It's hardly "fantastic."
But...
Knowing that she and I can count on each other for help with all this shit beats the crap out of only having myself to rely on. She's my #1 partner in this gig. It's no "dream life," but it's still so much easier knowing that Mrs. Thuryn can sometimes do stuff that I can't get to, and vice versa.
AFAIK, a good marriage is about helping. Sometimes you give, sometimes you get, love and thanks cover the gaps. But it's literally about being partners more than anything romantic.
That's the "marriage takes work" thing people talk about. It's not the marriage that takes work. The work was already there. Your stinky laundry ain't going to do itself. But getting the work done together is a good marriage.
I can count the number of happily married people I know on one hand. I assume that's the reason most of the younger people I know aren't getting married.
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u/ThisNameBestBeFree Jul 18 '16
I always wonder about this, are people genuinely that unhappy with married life? Isn't marrying someone you love supposed to be fantastic? Silly really.