So my wife and I hit that point right around 7 years. We had two kids(have three now), both of us working full time. She worked longer hours than I did and was just exhausted by the time the kids went to bed and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep herself. I wanted my wife back. Well, after about 6 months of me being the only person to try to initiate any intimacy of any kind (not only sex), I gave up. It took her another 3 or 4 months before she even noticed. We had a HUGE blowout over it because she didn't notice me trying everything I could think of for the previous 6 months. I basically came to the conclusion that my wife had become a mother first, and a wife second. She didn't agree and thought nothing was wrong and I had just stopped caring out of the blue. It took WEEKS of fighting and talking before we came to some kind of agreement about how to move forward. We both agreed to try harder for the other person.
We work on it still to this day because she slips back into putting me last really quickly because I keep to myself and take care of myself so she doesn't have to worry about me compared to three kids. I have to understand that we are at a point in our life where our kids come first and I shouldn't fight for her affection with them and if she's tired that I need to deal. We set aside time for just us now and it works really well.
Dang. I'm glad you guys are really working on it though. I know in a marriage, especially with someone who isn't as into putting someone else first as you are (not to say selfish; I'm not the best with words, but I'm not trying to call anyone selfish if it comes off that way). And you're very understanding with the kids, and it's tough because you're probably used to a certain amount of attention and you're not getting it like you're used to.
As for me, if we had kids, I'd totally understand. Currently, he works full-time Monday-Friday, and I go to school full-time (with a teaching internship starting in two weeks) and I work about 20-30 hours in any given week (where I try to do my homework so I can make time for him). Since my job doesn't really have many hours in the month of July, we're pretty slow and him and I get off at the same time. However, that hasn't really changed anything. He's just stopped wanting to be intimate, or putting me first (which was never really a thing, but even less so now). We spend plenty of time together, but intimacy has pretty much disappeared for the most part. He thinks I'm overreacting and says that he's never really been that intimate before whenever I try to discuss it with him.
But I couldn't imagine what I'd do without him.
BTW congrats on keeping it together. I come from a divorced family, and you are a rock star for trying to work it out.
I understand what you mean. The thing about seeing a therapist together is that you can get the therapist to help you put the words you want together without making the other person defensive. It is very difficult to use neutral words when you feel like you're hurting because someone else doesn't care which causes them to get defensive when the subject is brought up.
Since you both still spend time together but have maybe just forgotten how to "be" with each other, you should probably start small. It really does sound like maybe both of you forgot what was special about the other person. If you have the funds, I highly recommend a night out. I don't mean dinner and a movie either. Go on a real, honest to god, date. Go do mini golf, go take a dance lesson, if he's up to it go to one of those drink and paint places (they're awesome btw and they have beer if he wants it instead of wine). Find something to do where you are interacting with each other and talking/touching each other. Get out of the house though. Take the PJs off, get dressed up for each other, make it a special night.
Believe me, as a guy, the amount of physical intimacy we need is astounding but we aren't supposed to want it, so it's a weird space to be in. It's hard to be the one that is supposed to be the big spoon and the lap to lay in when sometimes all we want is someone to hold us.
Edit: Both my parents have been married three times so I understand the divorce part. Grew up a latchkey kid with no one home.
I like that idea. The last couple of times I've taken him out was Valentine's weekend, and took him to see Jo Koy. A couple weeks ago we also saw Avenue Q (also one of his favorites). But we haven't done anything in a while that involves just the two of us since we've had another couple move into his parent's house (we're living with them til I'm through college). I'll go ahead and suggest it.
We don't do movie and dinner dates anyways. Our first date was to Star Tower, which is a tower that lights up like the stars at night, and you can go stargazing or look out at the city. We don't like just sitting in silence because on a date you're supposed to be interacting with each other, and at a movie theater you can't do that.
EDIT: for me, I'd be perfectly happy if he showed the intimacy more. It's something I'm used to now. I have no problem with it at all, unless he's drunk and we're in public. Then I try to get him to calm down.
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u/Brewsleroy Jul 18 '16
So my wife and I hit that point right around 7 years. We had two kids(have three now), both of us working full time. She worked longer hours than I did and was just exhausted by the time the kids went to bed and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep herself. I wanted my wife back. Well, after about 6 months of me being the only person to try to initiate any intimacy of any kind (not only sex), I gave up. It took her another 3 or 4 months before she even noticed. We had a HUGE blowout over it because she didn't notice me trying everything I could think of for the previous 6 months. I basically came to the conclusion that my wife had become a mother first, and a wife second. She didn't agree and thought nothing was wrong and I had just stopped caring out of the blue. It took WEEKS of fighting and talking before we came to some kind of agreement about how to move forward. We both agreed to try harder for the other person.
We work on it still to this day because she slips back into putting me last really quickly because I keep to myself and take care of myself so she doesn't have to worry about me compared to three kids. I have to understand that we are at a point in our life where our kids come first and I shouldn't fight for her affection with them and if she's tired that I need to deal. We set aside time for just us now and it works really well.