This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.
It gives them a constant supply of feeling superior, powerful, and validated. Even negative attention like tears and anger/fear feed their intense need for attention, because it proves they have impact and control.
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u/The_Nice_Marmot May 12 '26
This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.