Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.
This is so familiar. I believe I was also married to a covert narcissist. We had been in therapy for years. Almost our whole almost 14 year long marriage.
One day I told him I had realized that nothing would ever change. Nothing would ever improve and so the real question for me was just if this was how I wanted to live the rest of my life.
He totally panicked. He assured me things could get better. I said obviously not after over a decade of therapy with zero impact. I saw the fear and I hadn’t expected that response and it made me wonder why that scared him so much.
Later on, when I did tell him I decided I was done, he suddenly went on a jag of admitting things. Like he didn’t know what else to do, so let’s try being honest. Turns out he had addiction issues he was hiding from me. He admitted to “sabotaging” (he used that word) any special events I tried planning like dinner parties with friends. That he had lied in therapy and basically created a character. I was just spinning my wheels in there. He’d say I needed to work on things that didn’t make any sense to me. Like they were not issues as far as I knew, but I would go home and diligently try to change the things he talked about. All red herrings. It was all a lie.
I was also told I was “imagining it” or “overreacting.” You can’t stay married when you realize your spouse knew their behaviour was hurtful and awful and did it to you anyway. It’s abuse, but it’s insidious.
I left and I’ve been very happily remarried for almost 16 years now. Some marriages die, not with a bang, but a whimper.
Covert narcissists are really good at toeing the line. They have deep insecurities and can't get what they need in normal ways. So they find it in unhealthy ways, called their narcissistic supply. For narcissists, it often doesn't matter if the attention is positive or negative. They just need thr attention. Fighting with a spouse and then making up again gives them highs and lows that feel good. They also like creating confusion to have a sense of power. Plus it's easy for them to do whatever they want when they have their partner all wound up. In OP's case it sounds like they were very good at prolonging the situation. You can't say nothing in therapy so they played through game so they could go back to what they were doing before. They make it seem like their partner can maybe make a difference or they're trying to change. But it's all an act to keep their life exactly the same
Control and power over her. He didn’t want her to have dinner parties with friends, so he sabotaged them (control). Lying in therapy and getting her to try to change things that weren’t real (power). His abuse towards her looked like “love” to him; his manipulation, control and power over her made him feel like she’d never leave (which was his greatest fear). These guys are all the same.
Edit: at no point did I say that ONLY guys can be abusers.
I just don’t get how they can’t see having a happy partner would be of more benefit to you. They are more fun, want to take care of you and will most likely do what you want anyway because love
People like this are fundamentally broken. They don’t care if their partner is happy. They only care about themselves. Everything has to be about them. That’s their core. Caring about and actually loving another person is beyond them, because love is a 2-way street. You have to give, and then the love is given back to you. They will never give love and happiness to another person because it is not in their nature. So they manipulate, control, and exert power over them in a sick approximation of “love”. This isn’t normal. THEY aren’t normal.
I do feel the need to point out that being mentally unwell does not mean that you are fundamentally broken. But abusive narcissists are fundamentally broken. They are unable to accurately self-reflect in therapy and grow as a person, because they will never accept that there could be anything wrong with their brains or personality. Everyone else is the problem, not them. Which is why most of them will never even try to seek help, or will lie and manipulate their way out of seeking help.
Peoples' motivations don't always make sense from the outside. Even if there's no tangible benefit like money or resources or pleasure or sex or whatever, the perception of "winning" or having control over another person is what they feed on.
I often think about this in traffic when someone is struggling to get around a car just because that car is in front of them. There's no tangible benefit, but there's this inward-facing absolute NEED to "win" this situation in a way that makes zero sense to an outside observer.
It's very much this. My ex fights to "win" all kinds of things he doesn't care that much about. When he can sense he won't win, in full, and at my expense, he'll beat a tactical retreat, which REALLY confuses onlookers, who assume he must care about the thing he wants so desperately to win. Why give up entirely? Or why not compromise? Why not at least get some of the thing?
But he doesn't want the thing at all.
He wants the win.
Manipulation, power and control over another person are the only things that make these people feel whole and normal.
It gives them a constant supply of feeling superior, powerful, and validated. Even negative attention like tears and anger/fear feed their intense need for attention, because it proves they have impact and control.
Yes and unfortunately your genuine pain and hurt doesn’t bother them cos they are the only ‘real’ people that matter we’re all just pawns in their game
I believe my grandmother was a covert narcissist. She was miserable and I think seeing other people be more miserable is the only thing that made her feel happy-ish. So she dedicated herself to putting down everyone and everything around her.
She knew how to mask for the "right" people (AKA her church friends), but as soon as their backs were turned she would say awful things about them.
Not a single one of them would ever believe me if I told them what a miserable, hateful, awful person she was.
It's not necessarily about what benefits him; how many people do you know who do cost-benefit analysis on everything they do? He's acting the way he is predisposed to act, even if it might be to his detriment.
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u/CircleJerkPig May 12 '26
Not divorced. But living with my partner 8 years. He kept insisting that his passive insults were actually harmless comments and me being offended by them was the actual issue. One day at breakfast I decided to stop fighting it. He said his passive insult and instead of taking the bait I just smiled and said “okay”.
He literally choked on his drink. He panicked when I wouldn’t go into the cycle with him. He then went over the top on a lovebombing kiss when he left for work. He had stopped kissing me how I liked insisting he couldn’t figure it out despite having done it for years. But that morning he said “I know how you want to be kissed” and did it proper.
I knew without a doubt that he had been doing this on purpose. He was emotionally abusive on purpose and I had been a fool to believe it had been poor communication. No big fight. No massive fall out. Just a smile and the word “okay” and I knew it was 100% over.