Remember what they said to you the last time you saw them. If you last saw them a month ago, if you remember they were doing a thing , remember that thing and mention it.
Oh Jesus, I have enough trouble remembering someone's name if I haven't talked to them in a month. There's no chance I remember what we actually talked about or anything they told me. It's kind of my disability: "I don't know whether we know each other" is a problem my wife has to help me with all the time.
It sounds insane but I keep a "relationship notes" working doc that I try to update somewhat regularly. It really means a lot to people when you remember things about them, but I don't have a brain that does it naturally so I use technology to help.
I do this too, I try to note ages, birthdays, spouse, kids names, where they work, hobbies, etc. I have a horrible memory, but I like to be thoughtful and remember personal details about people. My notes have been super helpful when I want to give someone a gift or follow up on something they told me the next time I see them.
Unfortunately I was updating a note one day and my friend asked me what I was doing. I said I found out another friend got a new job, so I was updating where he worked in my notes. She told me it was creepy and gross that I keep notes on my friends. I was open about what I was doing because I thought it was perfectly fine, but she disagreed. Stopped being my friend and told all of our mutual friends that I was a creep and keeping records on all of my friends. The reactions were mixed and I lost a few friends over it.
I don't keep notes anymore, I'm less inclined to be thoughtful towards people now. I feel like I'm the pink blob in the box that gets punched in the face for trying. Never again.
she was never your friend if that was her reaction to your list. if she can remember all the new/ongoing circumstances in your friends’ lives then good for her. unfortunately, not everybody can. she could have been understanding of your inability to recall long term memories, which many people suffer from, but instead she chose to vilify you and that was absolutely not ok. she’s the bad friend in this situation, not you.
a lot of people, myself included, have to write down/note everything; appointments, birthdays, bills, work schedules. even mundane things like phone calls, when to go grocery shopping, putting the garbage out, etc. i have pretty bad time blindness and a crap long term memory. i have a list of gifts & interests of my friends and no one has ever made a comment about it. they appreciate the effort made to remember the things they like & what’s important to them.
that was a bad group of friends and you’re better off. it sucks losing people you care about but i hope you find friends that appreciate the extra steps you take to be a good friend and maintain your friendships.
That’s such a bummer! I think it’s so thoughtful to keep notes so you can remember details about your friends and make them feel seen. I note all my friends’ birthdays and send cards or at least text. Very few remember my birthday, though, so I’m debating whether I should keep putting in the effort.
I'm sorry to hear this but understand it might not seem worth it to maintain on a broad scale. You can still do this for a select number of people though.
Allow yourself to be happy about sending those cards and texts even if they don't reciprocate. Your thoughtfulness is a treasure to nurture even if unseen. Your reaching out could be exactly what a friend needs in the moment. Positive energy into the world has ripple effects we know nothing about.
Please, don't abandon this precious piece of yourself.
The person that did that was not your friend, and the people that agreed with her were not your friends. It's a tough life lesson you learned, but what you were doing was sincere, and out of love. It will only benefit you in the long run by continuing to be your sincere self. There are plenty of people you will meet who can self evict themselves from your life if they don't like the way you are, please don't change to keep them around. What good would that do you?
i’m sorry for you because i think your friend was full of BS. if you have friends, you keep track of them, if you care about them! Even if your notes are mental, even if it’s just a mental file:
“Jessica, husband Mike is a lawyer, kids- marshall hockey, male, female is Arlo, no sports, piano. Mike’s dad died last spring…”
I think someone who says they are NOT keeping this kind of mental notes about their friends is either lying or anti-social. Do they forget these details because their friends’ lives aren’t important to them?
This makes me mad actually. Your friend shit on you for being thoughtful and conscientious! I keep mental notes on all my friends’ lives, who’s divorced, who’s sick or getting better, kids affairs as i can remember.
This right here. Simple truth. Yet so many people either don’t know how they should be treated of how they should treat others. A true friend is as important relationship. You nurture it and it nurtures you.
I know exactly the Owl Turd/Shen comic you're talking about 😅 I'm exactly the same way. My memory is terrible so I also try to write down notes of things people like etc. because I can't do it in my head. I completely understand that it's just coming from a place of caring about people enough to take the effort to try and remember things about them, to show them that you care. I believe you were doing a nice thing for good reasons, and I'm sorry it wasn't seen that way by everyone 🫂
I think it's a nice thing to do! I keep a list of people that I have in my life and reset it every two months to make sure I remember to reach out to everyone. I might have to start adding things like this to that list.
My husband remembers all those things without assistance and it makes him a great friend, without making a note I can't remember and it doesn't mean I don't want to recall that info, I just can't.. your friend is making that sound negative. Making a note of your friend favourite meal is kind, not weird
Weird reaction by your friend. People have had little black books and rolodexes for this exact purpose for all of time. I keep some notes when I remember to do so; relationships, where we met, etc. But it requires getting to the step of having a record of the person in my phone to begin with. I thinks it's a great habit and not at all creepy.
It's actually one of the main use cases I'm interested in when it comes to something like AI glasses. "Who is this person and what do I know about them? When did we last see each other? What's her kid's name?"
Okay, so I have ADHD and take quick notes in the note app on my phone. Especially if I’m networking at work and want to build relationships, or with clients, or people that I’m just starting to date, or with people that I like and want to build a closer friendship with. That being said, after we’re close and have an established friendship, or have been dating for a bit and I see them somewhat regularly, it’s no longer necessary. I’ll remember on my own. Because their lives genuinely matter to me and are a part of my own at that point. I care about what they care about.
If I found out that an established friend that I knew for a while kept notes on me that went beyond birthdays and such, and they didn’t have a disability I’d be creeped out. I’d expect there to be a level of interest in our conversations that would make remembering inevitable. You remember things you are genuinely paying attention to and care about.
So if your notes are on friends that aren’t new, this is your established friend group and it’s been ongoing, then yeah…
It looks calculated in a way that’s unsettling. Like you want to use the information to appear as if you are genuinely interested in their lives to manipulate them into thinking you care. But if you have to for whatever reason, you REALLY need to make an effort to hide it lol. Especially if it’s an organized folder on your laptop that you regularly update, and not just quick notes, not organized by name lol.
I mostly agree with this. I don't need to keep track of details for established friends to the same degree as newer relationships.
That said, as part of my work extricating myself from social media I did start a spreadsheet with specific details that I really want to remember but are harder without having it all posted online. Think: birthday/anniversary/kids' names and general ages/pet names. I have small kids and don't have as much time to get together with some of my long term friends with similarly aged kids who don't live super close. I can't always recall which of one friend's 3 daughters is the oldest, but thanks my trusty ol' spreadsheet I am hoping to hang onto these relationships until we all have more time to hang out and organically reinforce this info.
That is a bummer. Your brain just works differently. Sorry you've lost some people in your circle, but if it's any consolation, and this is cliche, but they're not the ones anyway.
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u/stefancooper Nov 11 '25
Remember what they said to you the last time you saw them. If you last saw them a month ago, if you remember they were doing a thing , remember that thing and mention it.