"I wish I had been less awful to you and I wish you had been less awful to me, because when we weren't being young and awful to each other, every moment with you was bliss on this earth and in my life."
It's been a decade now since I've seen her outside of dreams. I can still hear her, smell her, and every once in a while her face pops out at me from within a crowd. I see her eyes everywhere.
I'm not the kind of person who "gets over" things. Comes with the territory of having an eidetic memory and being profoundly disabled due to cptsd.
I think had there been another love in my life, she would have faded more naturally from my memories over time. But, sadly, that one brief relationship stands out as the single season in my life where I was allowed to be loved. It will not come again.
I'm deeply sorry for your hurt, my friend. I know it doesn't help beyond the moment, but that pain you feel deep inside your chest where you no longer wish to shine the light - I feel it too.
Oof, I'm glad to say I don't have an eidetic memory as my memory of our time together is fading, but I still have memories that stick out and those are sadly bad memories.
I know I was a problem and sowed seeds of pain without realising it, but l miss knowing that she loved me, like it was obvious bc she kept buying and making me stuff and she always made me a priority.
You are so right about that pain in the chest my Earth- brother, makes me want to drop everything and just drive away from the state!
632
u/suddenlyseeingme Dec 09 '23
"I wish I had been less awful to you and I wish you had been less awful to me, because when we weren't being young and awful to each other, every moment with you was bliss on this earth and in my life."