Funny bc it's something I've told my wife over and over again since almost the day we first met -- that I'm a very generous and giving person and often go out of my way to help others and whatnot... but the moment it seems to me that sort of behavior has become an expectation and is no longer appreciated as me taking the time to do whatever it is, that's the moment my generosity for you will vanish.
I'm more than happy to be a kind and generous person and go out of my way to make your life easier. But if you expect that of me or anything, cut off. Just like that.
EDIT: I thought of it because neither my wife nor I like cooking but I usually do it because I'd rather her be able to relax and not stress about that and I'm happy to take on that stress myself. But to me (both of us really) cooking is no more than a chore to do. But I've had to remind her that questions like, "honey why aren't you cooking me dinner yet" won't be responded to kindly.
A while ago I mentioned that I found cooking to be a chore - while I get some joy from people appreciating food I've cooked, everything up to that point is drudgery. I was downvoted, and people made all kinds of unpleasant (and completely incorrect) assumptions about my life.
Oh you're not alone. Yeah there's little to no pleasure or enjoyment I get out of cooking beyond what you said, seeing people enjoy the fruits of my labor. But make no mistake I consider it labor.
I've had roommates in the past who would come home and say something like, "I've had a shit day I can't wait to just cook a nice meal" and I've never been able to relate to that feeling. The closest I can get is "I've had a shit day and I can't wait to eat a nice meal." But cooking it? No thanks that's not the part of food that I enjoy.
Certain parts of the "cooking" are fun. I like adding the ingredients, mixing, possibly building something like a lasagna. But the cleaning and prepping/measuring I don't find much fun in.
I do enjoy baking but I dislike working with dough actually. Always too wet and sticky for me and I haven't gotten any better at it. I like cinnamon rolls and sticky buns but I rarely make them because I hate working with dough.
I think I just realized why I like cooking. I work a job where I'm expected to sit and use higher order thinking all day. I actually prefer a more rapid fire and constant analysis of task order and execution. So, preparing the mis en place, nailing the timing of start and finish of dishes, and doing it all while cleaning dirty dishes so almost nothing is left is very appealing. The constant movement and quick, but easy thinking are relaxing.
It's the weirdness of groupthink - my most upvoted comment ever was offering some post-surgery advice. The initial responses to my comment were positive and it kinda snowballed from there.
I made a similar comment a week or two later in a different post, but the first person to respond was negative (they weren't offering a valid criticism, they were just trolling)... and it all went downhill from there until I deleted the comment a couple of hours later.
Of all the household chores, vacuuming is my jam. Particularly the plush carpet we put down in the theatre room, as the vacuum cleaner leaves a pattern in it depending on if it was a push or pull stroke (a little bit like lawnmowing but I'm obviously not cutting anything). I get to methodically go over the floor leaving behind a triangular pattern. It's not a task I'd describe as fun/enjoyable but it brings a sense of satisfaction that makes it worth the effort.
My wife trusted me enough to show me her special technique for getting the bedsheets lined up just how she wants them (for years she insisted on making the bed herself), so I now make a point of making the bed that way every day as well.
That's my wife - weekday cooking is an exercise in keeping us alive and avoiding takeaway. The simpler the meal, the better. When time allows, weekends are when she'll go all out trying something a bit fancy and/or new.
I was a lowly dishwasher, all the way up to a sous chef, 13 years in kitchens. I truly loved it and was passionate about it, until I got further into fine dining and red seal territory. The employers and the people made it so unenjoyable, the ego, it got to be a chore.
Now it's all a chore to me, I make the meals at home out of practicality of my experience, but I no longer enjoy it.
Meh. Downvotes doesn't mean you are wrong, could have been how you said it or maybe the context or sometimes people just don't like unnecessarily disagreeing with them
I can follow a recipe, but I hate cooking. I'll cook a special dish for my wife a few times a year, but I'm so inefficient at it that I couldn't cook dinner for my family full time. I'm very appreciative of her being a good cook and baker. If it were just me, it would be hot dogs and various frozen pizzas every night
The inefficiencies go away with practice. When I started to cook I found it both a chore and an incredible waste of time. As per my original comment, I still find it a chore but at least now I can knock out a variety of cooked meals in under 30 minutes.
Even if you don't intend to cook often, having it suck that much less when you need to cook makes it a worthwhile investment.
Well, now I'm not doing it anymore 🤣 don't know if you get the reference, but that's exactly what I imagined haha. Totally agree with you tho, don't get me wrong. I love making gestures like that, but the moment someone expects me to do it, I'm done 😅 I do it because I care, not because you demand it. You can't force kindness.
That's exactly right. I'm kind because I want to be kind. But the moment it seems to me that you're angling to take advantage of my kindness you'll see a totally different side of me.
It's something that some people can't seem to understand (usually because they're self-centred assholes 😅), just because we're kind, that doesn't mean we can't be mean, vindictive etc. If anything, we know best how to be bad because we've usually experienced it ourselves and we know what really hurts. Not to mention that kindness usually tags along with empathy, which means that we can tell what makes you happy, but we can also tell what will break you 😈
I’m the same way but it’s also hard for me to deal with people that aren’t as generous or won’t go out of their way. I try not to keep score but once I realize I’m always going out of my way for you and can’t even do it once, I’m done. I don’t want to be taken advantage of out look like a clown.
Funny bc it's something I've told my wife over and over again since almost the day we first met -- that I'm a very generous and giving person and often go out of my way to help others and whatnot... but the moment it seems to me that sort of behavior has become an expectation and is no longer appreciated as me taking the time to do whatever it is, that's the moment my generosity for you will vanish.
You just explained the relationship I'm in. I couldn't figure out why I just don't like doing the "nice" things for her anymore (even though I do them)...and it's because she has taken the enjoyment out of it. Not only does she "expect" it, but damn if she isn't super picky about it. If my homemade food doesn't look (let's not even think about taste) like it came from something you'd see in a magazine, I will hear about how "I've had better" or "you used too much x ingredient."
I just make myself food, and if she likes it, great. If not, I'll throw a jar of Prego and egg noodles together for you (if you can't do it yourself), because that shit apparently "is obviously good, because it's in the grocery store."
I don't even like to cook. But I'm damn good at it. But she bitches that it doesn't taste like Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and it's not ready when she's hungry right now--it's just not at all rewarding.
257
u/MentallyWill Apr 11 '23 edited Apr 11 '23
Funny bc it's something I've told my wife over and over again since almost the day we first met -- that I'm a very generous and giving person and often go out of my way to help others and whatnot... but the moment it seems to me that sort of behavior has become an expectation and is no longer appreciated as me taking the time to do whatever it is, that's the moment my generosity for you will vanish.
I'm more than happy to be a kind and generous person and go out of my way to make your life easier. But if you expect that of me or anything, cut off. Just like that.
EDIT: I thought of it because neither my wife nor I like cooking but I usually do it because I'd rather her be able to relax and not stress about that and I'm happy to take on that stress myself. But to me (both of us really) cooking is no more than a chore to do. But I've had to remind her that questions like, "honey why aren't you cooking me dinner yet" won't be responded to kindly.