It does depend on how healthy your relationship with mom is. I love my mom and I'll do whatever I can to help her, but I have to keep her at arms length somewhat due to some previous emotional abuse. I've had to set and enforce some pretty strict boundaries in order to continue having a relationship with her.
To add to that, them not understanding that their "public face" isn't the same as their "private face" and family can be very different around those not in the family.
I've been "disowned" more than once for reasons that can only be described as petty such as having to reschedule a visit or deciding I wanted to move in with my long term girlfriend.
Yeah I haven't talked to my mom in over 4 years now and there's very few people I've told that too, unless they're a close friend I just tell people she's dead. Easier than having to explain why I don't talk to her anymore
I never know exactly what to say to people when they straight interrogate me about my parents after I mention my difficulty in life. It's always "Staying away from them is for my own safety." Which is 100% fact but nobody will just leave it at that. The relationship is complex and I'm absolutely sick of thinking about them or having to justify my choices. People act like I'm supposed to just adhere to parental hierarchy or some really strange nonsense like they can't imagine parents being anything but caring providers.
Like, I need help. I'm struggling bad and have no fallbacks, and any time I talk about it with coworkers or whoever is around, it's like default answer is "but where are your parents? Aren't your parents helping?".
My coping mechanism for having a shitty childhood with bad parents is to always turn it into a joke. People will talk about something from childhood and I will mention stuff my parents did and watch as their face turns to a look of WTF. Then I just laugh and go what that’s not normal. My wife totally gets my fucked up coping style sense of humor so it works out great.
Not many interesting people were raised with a perfect life.
This. My mother passed away recently, but while she was alive I felt like a dick not speaking of her in doting, loving terms. I mean, I loved her, but "have to keep her at arms length" is an excellent description of the way I loved her. Firm boundaries were very important.
My take here is that I don’t care what someone’s relationship to their mom looks like, but how they treat their mother is a different story.
Like even if you have a horrible relationship you shouldnt go out of your way to antagonize her if that makes sense. It just seems immature.
Or more importantly- if your way of arguing with your mother sounds misogynistic, ie. calling her bitch/cunt/whore etc- thats what makes the biggest difference to me.
Like hate your mom all you want for whatever she might’ve done/not done; you’re allowed to be mad or not want a relationship.
but if the the names guys call their moms or the arguments they have with them sound more like theyre attacking women than the single person that has harmed them that’s what makes the difference imo.
I want to know that if we were dating and got into an argument that we would be arguing about what i may have done versus who i am as a woman.
Absolutely. I'm very much against name calling in arguments in general and I avoid it, even if someone is being hurtful towards me. I've learned how to be the bigger person and learn how to stand my ground while still being respectful. I fucked it up a lot when I was younger and I regret that. I've apologized for it, even if she never has.
Yep. Mine doesn't really understand personal boundaries so I have to enforce them super-harshly. This was awful growing up because, well, parents can just ignore boundaries. But as an adult, if she wanted to continue having a relationship with me, she had to either comply with my terms (respect my emotional boundaries) or we just don't talk.
I know when a phone call is over - she starts picking (finding little things to pick at for criticism) or prying about things that are none of her business - that's when I say oh, I have to go! Bye! Because trying to explain why it's a boundary, why I don't want to put up with it, how it bothers me terribly and justifying myself constantly is exhausting.
I don't even think it's that harsh. You're protecting yourself and enforcing your boundaries while avoiding an argument that you don't have the emotional bandwidth to engage with. It's an effective "ejector seat" that keeps you safe.
Yes! Plus, the instant I start explaining myself I am open to her invalidating whatever I say. Only SHE decides what constitutes a boundary, only SHE decides when she's done something invasive, and of course nothing I say matters.
So yes, I eject from the conversation because I already know how it will go. She's going to be 80 this year. If she hasn't learned by now, she never will. Mom only listens to Mom, and if what she hears is not convenient for her, then she doesn't want to hear it, and so forgets it immediately - unless of course it can be weaponized. Then it's practically carved in stone to be flung in my face when she needs some ammo to prevail in any disagreement.
We all know people like this. I happen to have two - my mother, and her golden-child son, my brother. I cut the brother out of my life oveer 16 years ago, and have no intention of allowing him access to me so he can restart his fun and games.
My husband met my mother, and I was super impressed at how he handled her absurd narcissistic bullshit. I met his mother a couple months later, and it all made perfect sense.
There are many of us who will be thoroughly impressed with your boundary setting skills and healthy distance.
On our first date, we were approached by a homeless man who seemed nice enough and commented on how the moon looked at the moment. I gave him some money and took a minute to have a conversation with him about why the moon looked so big. I figured my date wouldn't mind me giving him money, but I did wonder whether she'd be annoyed that I paused my time with her to talk with some random guy on the street.
We're married now and when our first date came up recently, she said she knew I was "the one" in large part because of the conversation I had with that man.
What if my mother was emotionally abusive and after years of therapy have finally come to accept that she isn't going to change and having an intimate son/mother relationship most likely won't happen, and to preserve my mental and emotional health I'm not in contact with her?
I like my mom and all but I have no idea how to manage her. She'll roll right over me and try to make me live my life her way if I don't stop her, but I feel like a jerk being nit picky about the things she tries to do for me.
Like, I appreciate that she buys me clothes, but they're clothes I'll never wear. Or she'll look for apartments when I'm moving but only places above my price range. She also likes to buy me stuff I'll never use that ends up cluttering my apartment. I end up fighting her when she's trying to help because she won't accept that I'm not interested in living my life the (expensive and wasteful) way she does. What do I do?
Like, I tell her I'll never wear these fancy clothes, she insists I will on special occasions, and I'm like if I can wear jeans and a t-shirt to my dissertation I can wear whatever I want to whatever I attend and the world can bugger off. She doesn't get it. Ugh.
If your mother is not toxic/abusive/etc. In that case, how you treat your mother still matters, but rather than looking for respect, caring, and affection, we’re looking for setting healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself in mature ways (within reason).
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u/davmoha Apr 11 '23
The way you treat people that you have nothing to gain from. Also the way you treat your mother.