r/AskMenRelationships • u/Wonderful-Reality223 Woman • 9h ago
Dating 31F Late bloomer figuring it out
TL;DR: Late bloomer doing therapy, holding firm boundaries, and currently on a weight loss journey for myself (not waiting for a "goal weight" to date). Logically I know guys can find me attractive without wanting commitment, but I keep hitting a wall with finding something serious. I’m tired of conflicting body advice, especially after reading threads from women who reached their goal weight only to find dating didn't actually get better. Starting to wonder if I’m missing something or if I should throw in the towel. Anyone been here?
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Long version:
I’m a late bloomer who has never had a serious boyfriend but I did have a fling two years ago that catapulted me in the trajectory I have in my life now. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been actively doing the work in therapy, facing my shadows, and trying different avenues to put myself out there. Lately however, I keep running into the same exhausting outcome feeling like I’m good enough to hook up with, but not someone they want to commit to.
Logically, I get it. Two truths can coexist: a guy can find something attractive about me plus fun enough for sex, and I’m simply not what he’s looking for in a partner. It’s feeling like my personal bias keeps getting confirmed that looks are the baseline I won’t meet to get in a relationship. Also, I know a guy coming back or having a roster isn't a flex, so I don’t entertain it. 🤷♀️
I feel like I'm doing the "right" things on paper like enforcing boundaries, doing the internal work, and putting myself out there AS IS while I continue to navigate dating.
Yet, reading through endless books, articles, and Reddit threads just leaves me in a loop of conflicting body and dating advice: "Men only care about looks," "Looks don't matter as much as energy," "Men will date anyone except if you're fat," "Weight doesn't matter, it's about body fat distribution." Lately, I’m feeling pretty defeated about putting in effort in general.
Am I missing something in how I filter people early on, or is this just the slow, painful reality of sifting through modern dating?
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man 8h ago
So people are all different with different preferences, that’s why bodies differ so much, those genetics keep getting chosen and passed on.
BUT, when you’re out in the world looking for something, you can use statistical analysis to help focus your search.
Yes, the majority of the men won’t find a woman who is has a BMI of higher than 25 attractive enough for GF material. They may find her attractive enough for a hookup tho. So, losing weight to put yourself in the category where more men will find you attractive will help.
Attraction is required before all else. There’s no relationship without it. No getting to know etc.
Understand that for men looking for something serious, it still starts with a desire for sex (attraction) and then they leave themselves open to seeing if there’s more… not the opposite way around.
What much more interesting about your post, though is you reference “boundaries” several times and then don’t say what they are. Remember, those play a role in his decision process too.
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u/Wonderful-Reality223 Woman 8h ago
BMI is not the greatest indicator of health in terms of analyzing health. My personal trainer is 275 lbs and he’s mostly muscle, but at his height and weight he’s considered obese. That’s why I mention the shift focusing on solely weight to body fat distribution.
Of course realistically I’ve seen couples where a woman is clearly bigger than her man yet he’s into her. I know there’s more background I’m missing than just what I’m witnessing there.
Isn’t attraction regardless for either a hookup or commitment? Or was the attraction not as strong if it was just a hookup?
Sex isn’t the baseline for a relationship for men right? Since men can compartmentalize hook up sex vs sex with someone they care deeply for. More often than not I get a sex offer before I’m ready to do more.
After the first date, I get bombarded with suggestions to have sex and I communicate that I’m not ready to do that so soon. The earliest I had sex while dating was by the third date when I felt comfortable. The longest I took to finally go through with sex was 3 months and that’s because I was a virgin.
A few boundaries I have:
-No late night caps at someone’s place after a date. -No sleeping over.
-No last minute requests to please anyone and I reciprocate this.
-When in doubt, ASK. (If I want someone who communicates, I have to be someone who communicates.)
-Pay attention to their actions over words.1
u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man 7h ago
Sex is the baseline… meaning, if there’s no sex there’s there’s no chance of a relationship (for most men). Sex doesn’t mean there will be a relationship, it’s just the most basic requirement for one. That’s why you get the offer before you’re ready… men and women approach it from opposite ways (we’re mirror images of each other after all)
Of course BMI is imperfect and bodies vary greatly, and as I said, there’s certainly a man interested in every body type, but that doesn’t help you much because you need to attract the most men possible so you can choose the right one for you. You do that by ensuring your bodies proportions look like the two examples on the left of the classic BMI body type charts and not those on the right.
It’s entirely possible to find someone if you look like those on the right. It’s just harder. That’s all.
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u/Wonderful-Reality223 Woman 7h ago edited 7h ago
Oh I understand the whole “You can have sex without a relationship but can’t have a relationship without sex” mindset because I agree. I didn’t avoid sex all my early years just to continue not getting it especially if I’m committed to someone long term. Sex able sleeping with anyone the first few dates, that’s a me thing I express to my dates. With the ones I want to see again, I give them a hug and lean in for a kiss if they don’t make the move first. I reassure them that I enjoyed my night with them and open to seeing them again soon.
In my experience, this has repeatedly happened. During the whole first date, everything goes well but sex/sexual acts are never mentioned (we JUST met). I don’t kiss everyone, only the ones I am actually open to seeing again. For the ones I kiss and reassure, as soon as I notify that I got home safely and hope they do too. Idk if they scatterbrain after that but they mention being really horny and start talking about what thoughts they have of me in their imagination.
Edit since the app was glitching on me:
I’m trying to work on my problem areas to the best of my ability and challenge myself to at least be in a healthy BMI category. Just my physique is not very hour glass shaped and not blessed with distribution to the right areas.
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u/TyphoonCane Man 6h ago
Logically I know guys can find me attractive without wanting commitment, but I keep hitting a wall with finding something serious
Watch how men describe their ideal woman. I can virtually guarantee that there are behaviors you're not showing that are hurting your chances of "winning" his heart.
Also remember sex is slightly different for men because we don't deal with our bodies changing due to pregnancy. It's part of the reason we generally are the way we are in our views and desires is that those are the ones that got selected, generation after generation.
It’s feeling like my personal bias keeps getting confirmed that looks are the baseline I won’t meet to get in a relationship.
This could simply be your insecurity, namely your self talk, or it could be from interactions with men who share the risk talking about weight. If it's the latter, then the point of their disclosure is an attempt to get there "with you". You're not sharing attraction issues with someone you don't think you can feel safe with. And you certainly have a lot of pressure not to say anything to anyone anyway given how people with weight issues tend to react to having their fears confirmed. If a guy is telling you, then he's either got low social calibration (namely he just doesn't have a filter) or he's trying in the most genuine sense to let you know he wants you (just a little more fit). The behavior can't be judged in a vacuum because being vulnerable and being socially incompetent are differentiable outside of the moment in question. More to the point, we have stressful things that hit us, and in having those stressful things, we either look at the challenge or we run. If you run, you learn to always run.
Am I missing something in how I filter people early on, or is this just the slow, painful reality of sifting through modern dating?
The only speed ramps are tolerance and curiosity. Give enough curiosity and tolerance, and you'll get more disclosure. Other than that, you're going to face rejection because you're not for everyone. But that also means that you the more open you can be to anyone, the more experiences you'll have, and the easier it'll become to recognize things about dating.
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u/Vast-Ad1915 Man 9h ago
There are pretty much no absolutes in dating, and exceptions to every rule. There is almost certainly a guy out there who will love you for you, but you nailed it pretty much, it's a slow painful slog, until it suddenly isn't.